Hi. I just came across this website and this board today, and wow! I can't believe how many other people are feeling my same pain! I am attempting to rebuild some recent damage done to my already not so stable relationship. I have been with my fiance for two years now, we have been engaged for over one year and are planning on getting married June 2009.

From the not long after the beginning, I have known that my fiance has had "issues" you could say. Emotional / mental issues. At first he was sweet and nice and just the guy I was looking for. But then as things got more serious and deeper, and when nasty stuff - such as financial issues - would come up, he would get defensive and angry and we would fight. He doesn't like to talk about any of that stuff, and does not like to admit that he may be wrong or may have made a mistake. Anyway, I have since then taken full responsibility for all the finanical affairs, but we still fight about things he sees are little things - such as stupid incidental lies. But see, I see them as a much larger problem. If you can lie about stupid little things, what else bigger and worse can you, or are you lying about? He can even fabricate stories of conversations that never took place just to avoid confrontation on something that he should have done or taken care of, that he has not.

He does not like confrontation at all, and seems to do whatever it takes to avoid it, and at times will try to run from it - aka - run from me! Anyway, he always seems to get caught in his lies, and of course when confronted, he gets angry and defensive and normally tries to turn it around on me. That I am controlling, which I am to a point, and that I would flip out if he were to have told me. I have tried explaining over and over to him, just as I do with my daughter, that the truth is always better up front because I will be way less upset about something if I hear it from him, than to find out later that he had been lying. But it just does not seem to be sinking in. He seems to always be trying to keep things from me.

Then the **** hit the fan two weeks ago. I just happened to log on to his myspace account and I happened to come accross messages that he had been sending back and forth to a girl in another state. These messages contained comments such as I miss you, and even I love you. There was nothing really sexually explicit about them, but there were comments that were degrading about me and were not even true - ie, he would tell her stuff that he had said to me about her that never happened! I only saw a glimpse of what had all transpired because it appears they were communicating via IM, text messages, and on the phone.

He had originally met this girl on myspace, by her sending a message to him at random, and then they found out that her "boyfriend" was a guy that he knew from a neighboring fire department. She would send him messages always asking my fiance if he has seen this boyfriend of hers or talked to him because of course he was blowing her off - because she is PSYCHO!!! Anyway, that guy dumped her and then of course she felt she needed someone to talk to and she turned to my fiance. They had innocent conversations for the most part, since last September approximately. Then they had a questionable conversation in March of this year. She sits there and tells him how horrible I am to him, and that I don't deserve him, etc, and how he should not marry me. She obviously does not know me or us very well because the mistreatment is more so on his side to me!

Then they did not communicate again until the end of April. They had only been talking for a little over a week when they got busted. I confronted him about it, not by exploding or yelling or screaming, like I normally do which just sets him off even more, because I was more upset and hurt than angry. And after him being defensive and telling me at first that I was being unreasonable, we were able to talk things through. He stated that he did not mean it in any way other than a friendship, and that it appears that she has taken things too far. I did reread the stuff later from a different point of view, and I can see his side in the words. He said that he would not talk to her anymore. He went on and deleted his myspace account. But, of course there are many other forms of commincation possible. And now here I sit obsessively checking up on him constantly, which I know does not help matters!

He said he was sorry, and that it went too far, but that he loves me and wants to be with me, and wants to marry me, and that if he didn't want to be with me and wanted to leave, that not the money or anything would keep him - he would be long gone. So, I of course had to send her a few nasty messages and told her to go away. She tried to claim she was just being a "friend". I said whatever, friends don't try to get their friends to leave their fiances! She's got to live with that though. She also lied and said that he said he didn't want to stop talking to her, when he had not even spoke to her that day - I know because I had his phone!

I then proceeded to delete her number off of his phone, and I know that he does not know it because hell - he doesn't even know his own cell phone number. He was also communicating via facebook, but we have deactivated that as well. So, moving forward. I want to believe him that he loves me and wants to be with no one but me, but I am having a very hard time. We have started making wedding plans again, but in the back of my mind, I am skeptical. I love him very much - good and bad, and have made the decision that I want to stick by him and us, and things have been going pretty well for us since - it is almost like our love was brought back to life and rekindled. But I still feel he is being secretive and I never quite beleive him 100%. He is going to be going in for counseling, which he definitely needs. I already am getting counseling on my own, and I think we may look into some couples counseling. I know he wants to be with me, but I just can't live me life in doubt, and I need him to be 100% honest with me, so that I can rebuild trust in him.

Any suggestions? Sorry this is so long.

I see some of my relationship in what you write, not the lying so much. But my husband has a short fuse and almost anything could set him off, money for sure will set him off. BUT, I am not so sure that you should be so quick to just move forward. If you are going to go through with this wedding you need to make sure that you will be able to deal with him and his lies for the rest of your life. You dont want to spend your whole life wondering if he is telling you the truth, do you? I would maybe give yourself some more time to just make sure that he is being honest and faithful. If you read those messages & you said that he was saying not so nice things about you what did he say to that? Why did he say those things about you? Have you ever thought that maybe if you didnt try to control (your words) him then maybe (I said maybe) he wouldnt lie about the little things. Men and women are different in so many ways and some people lie to protect themselves or to skate around the issues, where as some people have a serious problem.

You need to think about yourself & your child first, and then worry about him. Are you ready to spend the rest of your life with him, just how he is? You cant change him, never gonna happen. So If you decided to stay and get married you better perpair yourself for a life time of this. I am not coming down on you, like I said my husband is quick to react and not so quick to think. He never says sorry or even acknowldges that he was wrong, so I understand that. But before we got married I asked myself if I could picture being with him when I am old and gray and if I could handle is attitude. I sat down and wrote a list of all the pros and cons of our relationship and my pros out weighed my cons.

You also made a comment about an already unstable relationship. If you guys have been together for only 2 years and are having problems, which you classify as unstable do you really think this is in the best interest for you or your child? I dont want to come down on you or tell you to leave him. My point is that if you already know about his "issues" and your relationship is "unstable" I think that you really need to take a look at the realtionship. The worst thing you could do is bring your child into a situation like this. How old is your child? Everyone deserves happiness, if your not happy then take a second look.


Good Luck

If you can predict future hindsight and make corrective actions in the present, you may prove to yourself that you are able to change your future to fulfill your innate desire for happiness.

My 2 cents.

I do want to move on. He is definitely one of the ones that is lying to protect himself - from my wrath, as he calls it - and to skate around hot issues that he sees as confrontational. He doesn't lie to purposely hurt me, he says he is just afraid of my reaction.

The not so nice things - those are the same things that he says to me in person. That is part of his mental / emotional issues that he is trying to get help with. He previously had been diagnosed with what they call intermittent explosive disorder several years back. So what that does for him is that is causes him to react in the moment, and not think before he acts or speaks. And then it is also hard for him to difuse anger afterwards. This happens in heated situations, as well as normal interactions.

It also refers him with a problem with respectfulness, but a lot of that comes from his family as well - they are all pretty much the same way. They do it in a jokingly fashion, but for those who were not brought up that way, it is not funny. His dad has a lot of the same issues that he does. Anyway, he is sorry and knows he was wrong after he says or does nasty things, but it is diffucult for him to admit to this. He will say he is sorry though, and eventually admit wrong doing, but it takes a while, maybe a day or so after the incident. He knows he is an ass sometimes.

He is taking medication right now, but I just don't think it is exactly what he needs to be taking. It was prescribed just by his physician and it is just an anti-depressant, and I think he needs a little more than that for the mood swings. I almost think he may have a slight bought of bi-polar as well.

He had made an appointment with a social worker, but then after thinking about what I had said, had decided to see a psychologist instead. He said he wanted to talk to someone who would be able to really get in his head and figure out what his problem is, and to help him change to be better. When he told me this, I wasn't quite sure who I was talking to, but I think it is great! Unfortunately he is not able to get in to see a pscyhologist until the end of July. Also with the medicine, it needs to have a constant source of medication in his system to help, so if he misses or skips a day at all, you can definitely see the effects!

So, all of this is why our relationship was unstable to begin with - because he has a mental ailment that he has not been able to get proper treatment for yet because of not having consistent health insurance. I do believe that he can be the person that both he and I want him to be with proper medication and counseling. He has a chemical imbalance. I don't think it is appropriate for me to ditch him because of that. Just like I would not ditch him if he had a physical ailment. I am willing to work through this with him for us. He wants to work on it.

I have tried to be less controlling to attempt to lessen the lies, but this is difficult for me, and is something that I am working on with my counselor. I am a perfectionist, am very neat, organized, and anal. So, relinquishing control, or having things be not quite the way that I want or expect them to be is difficult for me. So, I am not completely innocent either in our "troubles".

When we have a disagreement, or a fight, about something, he is always the one trying to just drop it, or walk away to let things cool down more, and I am always the one pursuing things to the breaking point because I don't know how to walk away from a confrontation. I need resolution, and I need it now! That is another matter I am working on with my psychologist.

So, we both have our issues, and I think if we both work on our individual issues and then work together on our relationship also, we can work through them to get back to the happy relationship we once had; of course not all of the time, because I know that is not possible, but more happy than not would be great! Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy, I just know things can be better between us. And they've been heading in that direction, at least when he continues to take his medicine!

By the way, my daughter is going to be nine in September.

I just wanted to give a little update. Even though he still does not understand why it is so important to me for him to be a completely open book right now...

I got the proof I had been looking for that he has stopped talking to her. I had noticed her myspace page had said she was now in a nearby city. This made both of us quite nervous. We were afraid that she was going to try to come looking for him and show up at our door.

So, I had actually saved her cell phone number in a safe place, and I sent her a message yesterday, asking why her myspace profile said she was in this town. It was sent anynomously, but of course, there are not too many people it could be from our area code - she lives in a different part of the country. I got a response back asking who this was. I wouldn't tell her, so she responded back that she wouldn't answer the question then.

Later that evening, my fiance was outside mowing the lawn, and I was in doing a puzzle with my daughter, when his cell phone started vibrating for an incoming text message. It was her. She was asking why I was texting her. Well, my hands were shaking, but I managed to respond thinking this would be quite a neat game to play considering she thinks she is talking to him. Anyway, I just asked, she is? And she responded back saying, we are not talking anymore, so what should she be texting me for. Hearing that was such a relief!

Also, the night before, he had a phone call in the evening on his cell phone from a restricted number who did not leave a message. At the time, of course I had assumed it was her. And I also had been having a tough time of things lately because see he is done with work every day by 11am or so, and I don't get home until around 6pm. And most days, it is a challenge for me to try to get a hold of him during the day. He states he is sleeping, which he probably is because he does not get much at night, but of course my mind thinks the worst when I cannot get a hold of him!

But anyway, I proceeded to have quite a bit of back and forth conversation with her, and she never once asked if it was not him. So, I had told her it was all a big mistake talking to her, and that it never should have happened, etc, etc. By the way, I did inform Joe of what was going on with me and her and his phone, and he was not mad. But, she said she did not call him, and is not by us.

In the end, I said goodbye forever to her! He stated he is going to let me know if she tries to send a message again, and if so, we are going to change his cell phone number! So, there has been a plus in the notch of trust rebuilding in our home! He confirms on a daily basis that he is totally committed to me and only me, and that he is not interested in anyone else.