I have been reading these boards since Sat. I am now posting because I do not know where else to turn and didn't even know that lying was an "illness" I have been with my husband for 10 years. Everyday is a lie. It all started out with a lie. Anywhere from how much he spent at the store to who he was with. Not only am I dealing with the compulsive lying, I am also dealing with a bad temper and an alcoholic. He keeps making promises and gets my hopes up for change and then tears me down again. He joined the Army 6 years ago because he couldn't or wouldn't keep a job in the "real world", had cheated on me, got DUIs etc...He promises that joining the Army would be a better life and a time of change and new beginnings. I have moved to my home state due to his drinking and temper. So 2 months ago he totals our car while drinking. He then promised to NEVER drink again and went to counseling and AA...Things were going good. Or so I THOUGHT...Wed he said he couldn't come home this weekend. He had to work. Friday he called me DRUNK. I cried and begged him to stop. He first insisted he was in the barracks alone. He yelled at me for not TRUSTING him turning it all on me for being upset when he wasn't doing anything wrong...Not only was he drunk but he cursed me and degraded me and even let his buddies and their wives on the phone to disrespect me and humiliate me. He finally admitted that THEY came to his barracks and he "slipped" but was still hateful with me. When I told him to make them leave and think of his family he told me "They are my family you are nothing" Well I refused any calls from him on Sat. So of course he shows up at the door Sat begging for forgiveness. Well he isn't good at remembering what lies he has told (especially when he had been drinking) and I found out Sunday that he was never at the barracks, he went to them...The has NEVER gone to counseling or AA that he only told me what I wanted to hear...We have a divorce pending. I put an extension on it in December. He admitted he has drinking and lying issues and says he wants to change. I just can't believe him anymore. I am out of hope...
I told him that I no longer care. I told him he could visit on the weekends or stay there. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I told him he can do whatever he wants, just don't bring it home and don't tell me about it. I am distant. He says he wants a real marriage with love and trust and respect. Well that is all I ever wanted and I am the only one who has tried. I am tried out. For now on, I just sit back and see what happens. I have 2 kids and can not afford (emotionally) to get wrapped up anymore. I can't force him to change. I just don't know what to do anymore.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your pain. I came to this place for answers too and found out that I knew the answer all along and it was within me. It sounds like you have a plan and if you are like me you desperately hold out for that dream to come true, of course we want to believe them when they lie and tell us they want to change - we want that with all our heart. I'm sorry your dream is dying. I found a website for hurting women regarding lies called purelifeministries.org and there is letter there that really touched me titled "I feel like I'm losing my mind". You are not alone!
I hope your path becomes clear.

Thanks for your reply. I will check out that site. I am just so torn right now. I have already forgiven so much. It's not just one night of pain he has caused me. I use to be the only one who worked and would come home to my new appliances gone (sold) and it would be for beer. He joined the Army. I would beg and plead for him to think of his family. I would even compromise and tell him he could do what he wanted anytime he wanted as long as he would give me and the kids Sundays. He just lies about his schedule, who he is with and about drinking. I feel hopeless. I left him before and went back to him. We went to DEERS to get my ID card only for me to find out that he was married to another woman. It took him a year to resolve that issue and was angry with me for being hurt. BTW I was the 1st wife. He is just a liar. He has hurt our credit. Now everything is in my name and I pray to God he doesn't hurt mine now.
I understand that lying might be an illness or a way of life, but what I don't understand is how a person can LOVE you and choose others over you? How he can be so selfish? Why he can't hear or see my pain? How am I suppose to believe that he cares when he has never proven it. He is really good and loyal about 3 months out of the year and then he "slips" again. I feel like if I stay I will be lying to myself. I am so damaged right now that leaving isn't an option either. I guess I stay but I will never put my hope and trust in him again. It hurts so bad when he lets me down again and again. I am also hurting because not only was he rude to me Friday but he let his "buddies" be rude to me too. Then he brushes it off as "It was just one night, excuse me" It's not one night...It's 10 years of this crap. Every night just adds up. How am I ever suppose to heal if he keeps sticking the knife in deep??? BTW he is 34 years old...Not some kid or young man who may not know better...He needs to be a husband and a father FIRST and think less of what he wants. I just can't believe he was with those guys after what they did to us last year...I just can't believe that he would pick that life knowing that his son can't stand him due to drinking... When I am crying he tells me I am crazy and I need to just drop it...Thing is I do drop it and then weeks later he does something else. How can I forget and forgive? I can't!!! he won't let me!!!

Hey,
It's not our fault that they keep lying, hating us, hurting us, blaming us. Being trapped in the lie of an addiction confuses everything. He won't change until he wants to and the reason he has an addiction is because he can't deal with the realities and pain of life...so of course he will keep applying the pressure to you to do what he wants and keep you where he wants you..under his control. Right now in his life, you are what he can control. He can't control himself so he uses dominance, verbal abuse, shame, manipulation to loop you into doing his bidding. Staying and providing for him...if you left he would have to face the realities of his life...he wants to avoid that at all costs. So they use whatever means available to protect themselves. They care more for themselves than anyone else- no matter what they say. I'm a military wife as well...my story is in is there any hope. I've been married 18 years and it hasn't changed- the thing that is changing now is me. That is where your change will come too. Daily I ask myself...OK, I don't like this and I wish it was different but it isn't so what do I need to do for myself today so I don't stay in this place. Try to think of yourself and get your mind off of him and the abuse he blows out...what can you do for yourself apart from him and his behavior to make your life better? What can you do today to make a better life for your kids? See yourself where you want to be in 5 years - just you- whether he sobers up or not- where do you want to find yourself? Tough questions, I know!
I know what you mean by it not being one night or one moment. It's so many moments piled on top of each other you suffocate because he never stops to look at you or think of you..just keeps blaming you. That's the trick right there that hooks us...we didn't do enough. Take a look again what have you done and know it was enough. Take a look at what he's done...is it enough?
No matter how much we do..it will never be enough for them, because an addict cannot be satisfied. He's never had a big enough binge on alcohol to make it enough that he doesn't want it anymore and you'll never be able to "do" enough to get him to want to stop. He has to want it. You have to take care of yourself and let him start to learn to take care of himself. He can't love you or take care of you until he can do that for himself. You are enough. You have done enough. Break the cycle and step out of the loop. Take back your life-it's yours to live.
I'm speaking it loud because these are the words I wish someone had said to me at 10 years of marriage and then I wouldnt have wasted 8 more. Take care.