I have this incredible husband. I love him more than I could ever begin to say. Our lives, like everyone's, are not without stress or problems, but we consider ourselves pretty lucky.

His sister (and often his mom) can not stop lying. She will lie anything, especially about lying. We often catch her in her lies and confront her (you don't have a job... I went there to see you, you can't be tired from making a huge dinner... I saw you at McDonald's, your son wasn't pottie trained at 8 months old... he wasn't even walking yet, you never worked 3 jobs to support your children when you were my age... I knew you then) but it was always just more annoying than anything else for us.

The last time I confronted his sister about a lie, she involved my best friend of 10 years, saying my friend was lying, not her. (It was a pretty vicious lie, that would have destroyed our friendship if it were true) As always, I not only knew who was doing the lying, there were witnesses to what was said, and of course, she said the witnesses were lying as well. Still not her. Never her.

I told my husband, I would not allow his sister in my house, while I was present, until she admitted that she was lying and apologized to me and my friend for her behavior. He wasn't happy about it, because he knew it would never happen. I held fast to my position because it involved someone who was literally an innocent bystander. I have not spoken to or of her since the night of the pool party where it got ugly. That was 11 months ago. At one point that night she walked out to all of MY friends and announced that she was going to "beat my ass" because I needed it. She has sinced denied that ever happened. The 7 witnesses are all lying to make her look bad.

Tonight his drunk cousin was at his sister's house and she called screaming and cursing and threatening my best friend for trying to come between the family. My best friend has never even met this woman. I've met her maybe 5 times in 8 years. My husband had to finally go to his sister's house and explain that if the phone calls didn't stop, the police would be involved.

My problem is, I feel horrible. I don't want this kind of heartache for my husband. He loves us both. He is beyond the breaking point with her lies. He told her tonight that he will not speak to her until she stops lying. She said she doesn't lie. I know, this will last a short time, because he will feel bad that they aren't close enough. He's good and sweet. He's also one to get over something in time.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I could go about bridging this rift in the family? I love my sister-in-law but don't know what to do to repair our relationship. I miss family parties and vacations. We used to hang out all of the time, but once she started involving my friends, I had to put my foot down. Should I pick it back up? Any ideas? How do I help my husband through this? Is there an intervention for liars?

Please!!!! Does anyone have any suggestions?

By the sounds of it, it reeks of control. You may mean well for all parties involved - your husband, your friends, your family members - but it sounds like you want to be the camp counselor and control everyones behavior so they can all place nice and get along, trust each other and accept/ignore bad behavior. That is not healthy for you nor is it productive for all parties involved. And it will not net you the result you are hoping to achieve.

Create your own boundaries. They belong to you, they are neither right or wrong...they are simply your boundaries of what is acceptable behavior and what is not and you own the right to have them. Let no one tell you and make you feel for having them.

Stand firm to your convictions and step back without intervention and let everyone play in their own muckity muck. If what you observe from stepping beck is not acceptable to you then it might be time re-evaluate your husbands honor system and perhaps time for your husband to do the same. Perhaps his honor system of loyalty is not what you would like it to be. As partners, he should be guarding your boundaries, even if he doesn't think the same way you do. M

Wow. Thanks Marie. I have never looked at it as controlling on my part, but you're right. I do want them all to get along in the ways I think are right. I want what I view as healthy relationships for them. Maybe they are happier in the way they live. It's always been their way of life.

I have totally stepped away from that side of the family out of self-preservation. I guess the hardest part now, is staying away. I need to stop trying to expect them to behave any differently than they are.

My husband has been fully supportive. When they all go off, it just seems to wash off his back like water on a duck. I guess that comes from years of practice. He has put a stop to the threatening calls. He hasn't spoken to them in weeks. I do feel bad for him that he doesn't have his family around (he's devistatingly sick with kidney failure and dialysis) but at least he's at some peace. I don't know that they'll be able to say the same if he doen't make it through this. Then again, maybe they will.

I have suggested some family counseling to work toward resolution, but it hasn't been received well, outside of my husband. I guess this is the part where I do what is completely unnatural to me and just leave them be without me or my husband.

The sort of behaviour you have described often is learned from within the family. Your sister-in-paw acts like her mum. It seems as though your husband escaped the effect, thankfully or was influenced by another who did not lie or exaggerate.
If your Mother in Law's stories do not affect you directly or come between you and your husband, it might be wiser to let it go.
As long as any accusations come to nothing,they are likely to fizzle out. They are after your attention and a reaction from you as their reward, don't give them the satisfaction.

Funny you would pick up on how different my husband is. He was raised (thankfully) by his father's parents. I still haven't spoken to his sister. She wants to be part of my life again, but has no intentions of taking any steps toward resolution. She just wants everyone to pretend it never happened. I only wish I knew how to do that!