I've had a problem with lying as long as I can remember and I joined this website so I can try to stop feeling like I’m a monster because of it...my boyfriend and my family tell me that I’m not a monster and that I’ve just made “mistakes like everyone else”, and I’d love to know that they are right.

Anyways, I guess my lying might've been a result of the fact that I haven't had the greatest life.

For one thing, I've gotten teased every year in school so far (I'm going to be a senior in high school this year, for those wondering) and I was once sexually harrassed by this, excuse my language, asshole who slapped my butt and told me he has a small...yeah (he did this because three girls who were picking on me at the time set him up to it)...and some of my so-called "friends" in middle school took advantage of me and my far-too-nice personality. All of it made me so unable to trust people that I didn't have a single true friend until tenth grade because I refused to let people in enough to ever hang out with other kids until I was a sophomore and I've come to hate a lot of people, even when they've done nothing except be nice to me, and I know that isn't good. And I'm pretty sure why this is why I've lied to my friends, my boyfriend and even my own family about myself (for example, I've told a few of people that I can play the guitar when I pretty much cant)...I lie to impress people, for the most part. I'm scared that once they find out who I really am, they won't like me anymore because I'm different...because instead of having a happy childhood, I was so lonely from getting bullied all the time and never having a single true friend until high school that almost everyday was terrible.

I also lie because when I'm really angry about someone and I want revenge on them...and while one of these lies was about my uncle, are mainly taken out on my father, who I've said abuses me to a few people. Now, me and my father don't get along very well at all and he took his stress out on me for many years and called me names like "bitch" and "asshole", but there were a lot of times when I deserved it and there were also a lot of times when I didn't, so it's not abuse...it's just not a very great relationship (although it's getting better)...and I ended up resenting him for it for a long time. I felt like he only took his stress out on me because he didn't love me and, in turn, I became nasty to him and have lied to a couple of my friends that he was abusive towards me...and he eventually caught me lying to a friend of mine about it and he was really angry at me too. While he has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself for lying about him, or lying about anything else really, at all. As I said before, I think I am a terrible person because of it and I often beat myself up inside about it because I feel like I deserve to feel the pain I’ve inflicted on others, although everyone tells me that I haven’t "committed a horrendous crime” and that I "am still a wonderful person"...so I'd really like to get help to think differently of myself (my psychologist is no help because I only see him once a month or so for forty five minutes and we're just starting to get into my self-esteem problems...).

Besides my family, three of my friends from back when I used to live in New York (I live in Florida now) and my boyfriend all know I have a lying problem and that I've lied to them. My family and my boyfriend accepted that that I'm a liar and forgave me for all those lies I've told them, no matter what they were about...in fact, my boyfriend, who I've only been with for nearly six months, by the way, said that he now understands me better because I've admitted to him that I'm a liar and that he still loves me just as much as he always did...and that he understands me better now...and I guess that's true, since we still hang out just about every day, but I was worried for a while that he would end up leaving me because of it. He is the most wonderful guy I ever met and part of me still can't believe I'm so lucky to have someone who really does except everything about me, good or bad. As for my three old friends from when I used to live in New York, they didn't take the fact that I lied to them so well and all three of them stopped being friends with me for a while...but then they forgave me, although they would remind me of it whenever I made them angry afterwards, and I can't say I blame them for it either.

Well, that's my story. I am not looking for anyones pity/sympathy. All I want is advice...ANY advice...of what I could do to stop thinking that I am a monster besides talking to my psychologist about it...I'm going to do that, but I want to know if there's any other way I could possibly make me feel better about myself. If there is any other way, please tell me.