Hi,
Here is some history real quick. I am a mother of three young children. My 6 year old son has ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism) so my life is pretty hectic dealing with my son's many needs not to mention my two daughters as well. My mother is a pathological liar and has been since I was very little. She lies about everything, even lying about what she had for lunch. She lies about big things as well. When I was 17 she told me my father was not my real father. That same day (while my dad was on a business trip) she said she was taking me to meet my real father at a restaurant. I didn't know what to think, I must have been in shock. She actually took me to the restaurant and we sat there for a long time. Of course no one showed and we finally went home. She didn't say much about it after that. I waited until my father got back and asked him about it in front of my mother and he just looked at her and shook his head. It was around that time that my entire family let me in on that mom lied about everything. My parents live in a different city now so I don't see her on a regular basis but she has alienated herself from everyone because she lies to everyone. She is constantly calling me several times a day and trying to convince anyone who will listen that she has: fibromyalgia, lupus, sjongrens syndrome, and many other things that would get her attention. She is actually going to doctors and they tell her nothing is wrong but she will bug the crap out of all the doctors that they just run a bunch of expensive tests. They never find anything wrong with her. I have confronted my mother when she lies and asked her why she lies and she will deny, deny, deny. She will change the subject or just hang up on you. Then several days later calls and acts as if nothing happened. My dad has been living with this for so long that he is actually defending her. If anyone questions why she lies he will immediately say I am not going to let you upset your mother. A few years ago when my son was diagnosed I was so enranged at her I though I was going to hit her. She tried to convince me that I have ADHD and Autistic and that I was on medication when I was a child. I had never heard anything about this ever. I went and got copies of my medical records and took them and threw them in her face. I asked her why she told me that I was ADHD and Autistic and she said I don't know what you are talking about. I am sorry this is so long but I don't know what to do. Should I cut off contact with her. This causes so much unneeded stress on myself and my husband and our children. My oldest daughter is already questioning why grandma said this and it was a lie. How can I explain this to my children? I don't want them to have to deal with a crazy grandmother. I hated growing up in that house it was horrible being a child and knowing what your mother is telling someone is a lie but you can't say anything because your only 12 years old. Any suggestions on how to deal with a mother like this. Any suggestions would be appreciated. My apology for this post being so long. I had a lot to get off my chest. Thanks

Even though my mother had a different problem (I believe she has borderline personality disorder), she also lied and exaggerated a lot, so I can relate to some of your frustration. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother threw my father out of the house during one of her many angry tirades.My father finally got smart and decided to stay away. Then she told everyone that he left her!It has taken me many, many years to be rid of the pain, resentment and anger, not to mention extreme sadness of not having a normal mother. I left home at soon as I turned 18. I have only visited a few times and she has only seen one of my daughters, a long time ago. I've explained to my kids about my mother's problems and since we live far away, they've accepted not having a grandmother. I no longer have any resentment, but I also feel there is no point to trying to have a relationship with her.She hasn't even bothered to try to find out why I don't see her.

Kids are pretty good at accepting the truth if you just explain it kindly to them. I would just tell them (in terms they will understand depending upon their ages) that their grandmother has a psychological/mental disorder and that is why she lies.Let them know it's not right to lie, but that your mother can't help herself. Tell them she may even believe her lies, so it's best for them not to say anything to her about it. You might even want to have a child psychologist explain it to them.

As for yourself, you have to come to the same understanding.No one can help her if she doesn't recognize or care that she has a problem with telling the truth.That doesn't mean you have to pretend there is nothing wrong.If she is the type that gets angry if challenged or questioned about her lies, I wouldn't get too confrontational with her. However, if she thinks you believe her lies and does NOT get angry, then I would say something like, "I don't think I believe that" or "I don't see it that way or don't agree". It's a way to let her know you don't believe her without coming right out and calling her a liar.

She does have a mental disorder and if she won't get help, then just consider the source and don't take it personaly. It's called learning to detach yourself from HER problem. Hope this helps. Live your own life and find peace there.Best to you.

Hi there, sorry to hear about your problem .

I realise that it will obviously be difficult to detach yourself from your mother's problems, especially because you have so many issues to deal with in your own children's lives . From what you say it seems to be that your mother is suffering some severe health issues that are in effect mental problems which have manifested themselves in the way you describe .

Have you ever wondered why ? Of course you have . Perhaps the best thing to do would be to sit down with your mother and thrash it out with her . She needs medical attention and once you accept that these issues are not her fault ie that she does have severe medical issues that cause her to behave in this way you will be able to accept her for who she is : your mother.

Love should always be unconditional in this type of relationship and I know there are complex layers of years of mis communication and misery to get through but do you really want your children to miss out on their grandmother's relationship.

Take care and think through it .

I dont think hashing it out with her is going to change or fix anything. I think that this is who she is and she will forever be this way.

Now you have decide what you want. Do you want a relationship with your mother even if you know that every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie? Or do you want to just forget all about her and never have to hear her lies? You have to make that choice because there is nothing that you can do to fix her.

Just think really hard about what your doing because in the end you might regret your choice. My mother in-law passed away last year and it was extremely hard on all of us kids. But the hardest was on my sister in-law. She had stopped all contact with her for over 10 years. She never called, never stopped to see her and I understand why but when mom passed away she was the one that held all the guilt, shame, resentment, & regret. She was the worst out of all of us and for that reason a lone I would caution you on cutting her off. Regardless of what she says she is still your mother and will you be able to go to her funeral with a clear concious?

It only takes 1 person to be the bigger person & that could be you. You could just take her lies in stride, knowing that what she is saying isnt true but at least she knows that you love her and she loves you.

Maybe you should just keep the kids away, if you feel like its damaging them in some way. Talk to your mom and the phone or whatever. I just dont think its fair to cut all ties with her, she is your mother after all. I dont know why people lie that way but in the end family is still family.

You never know whats going to happen today, you never know who you will never see again. So always make sure that the last words you say to someone when they leave is something that you can bare for the rest of your life. Make sure that you leave on good terms because when they leave you may never see then again. Dont bare the cross of resentment.