Hi,
I am 23 and for the better part of the last 16 years plus I have been a pathological and compulsive liar. And I am so sorry that I have caused these feelings of desperation you all speak of in the people I love and care about.
I feel like I am being told things that were said and done by me and to me for the very first time and I feel like there is nothing i can say or do that will ever be enough to make a menz to what i have done. My lying was as compulsive as saying I had brushed my teeth when I hadnt to telling people I had cancer, when I didnt. I cannot answer for myself or others just why I did these things (yet), I can tell them though that once I realised my actions I have felt so angry and hurt(at myself), confussed and embaressed, discusted and worthless and so deperatly sorry for how I have effected people. I am more determined than anything ever before in my life to change and be a better person. The hardest thing I am facing is that no one truly believes my change yet (how can I blame them), words cannot describe just how hard it is to watch someone you love and adore, continue to hurt and question you, and 'do their heads in' from being paranoid, when you know in the deepest part of your heart and soul that something that once so horribly came with ease, is no longer a part of who you are and they dont in any way have to feel like that or be afraid they might feel like that anymore. I couldnt allow it. My best friend/soul mate says to me is it not a case of 'if', it is a case of 'when' i will lie again. I wish I could put my whole life out in the open, no part of me hidden, every lie, every indiscretion, just so they can see that there is no need for their continued hurt, only time for healing from the past. Thanks for listening, I am truly sorry for the hurt you feel

I can say that I have dated a young woman just like you. There was always another emergency. There was always the medical problems. I don't know how many times she has told me that she is going to "have a lump removed" or that she had some sort of test. I often wonder if any part of it is even true.

The reason for my reply is I can certainly speak as to what your "soul mate" feels like. I often question my own thoughts. You circle around with thinking that you are crazy... or is it her that is crazy. I would want so badly to believe but deep down I never really believed anything that she said. I always questioned it.

I don't think I will ever get past that with her. I might even carry that on to another relationship in the future. It just constantly leaves you doubting reality even the stuff that is true!

Main

You have a long way to go - and it's good that you realize it.
My recommendations:
It is hard to offer any kind of responsibility to someone who has let you down - so I recommend that you take the initiative to create situations where you show that you can be depended on.
It is often seen as selfishness to lie and bring everyone's attention to yourself by creating drama - so I'd recommend showing some humility.
When your actions don't reflect the opinions that you've expressed, your lies look manipulative. So I recommend that if anyone is still talking to you, that you explain to them your motivations for things you say, ways you might word things, decisions you might make.
By declaring your intentions aloud, the people around you will hold you accountable to them - let people know what your priorities really are.
Finally, if you're feeling worthless, which is bound to happen while you're still rebuilding trust - create some self-worth by creating some positive karma for yourself - volunteer for something - a shelter, a church, whatever cause sparks your interest, or help the elderly mow lawns and shovel driveways. And reliably!

This may sound heavy-handed, but 1) you asked and 2) I'm still bitter! - I'm working on it.