You have given some very insightful advice and I thought mayeb seeing that you have been in a situation with a married man, that you might help me.

I was dating a married man for 9 months. Well, he didn't get married until we had been together for 7...to make a long story short, he found out he was a dad from a previous relationship. She took him back and he married her...BUT, even though I am heartbroken and have asked him to not contact me (changed phone numbers, job, even moved...) he finds way of doing it. I am in love with him and recently he has told me he feels the same. And, I know what you will all say. but I can see it in his eyes. and I have given in to him once in a while. He is genuinely hurt that he is not with me...but he did not want his daughter to be fatherless (she is 2) and he cannot seem to understand that being a good father entails more than being there physically. I know he cares for her, but seeing that he contacts me a lot and still wants to see me every second he is "free", I feel bad for her. I would say that if he was not seeing me, he would find someone else, but I know him better...he will just stay unhappily married to "save face".

I really want her to know. Actually, I found out he was getting married because I met her a few weeks before the wedding...I told her about him and I but she chose to believe his lies. she had tried to contact me early on, (I was in no mood to talk) but I have not seen her since. But, he says she makes up stories about seeing me etc... I feel like I cannot tell her myself because she will not even listen to me. BUT, I was in her position many years ago, and because of the stories she tells I think she knows but is not listening to her heart. I need to let her know so that this whole mess will go away. If she finds out, i am sure he will stop contacting me just to save his life with his daughter. Yes, I know she will take him back...but only is she finds out the truth.

Any advice?

ps...i have no email, or address or phone number anyhow...we have a large group of mutual friends though (all keeping quiet...i wish someone would gossip for once-lol)

Yes I have been there and done that. Let me start by saying that part of the reason you want to tell her is because you want her to leave him...you do.. be honest. I've been there. You feel like if you tell her then that might be the final straw for her. We have a funny way of justifying things in our head. Yes I believe you want him to stop contacting you but you do love him. Guess what...He does love you, I really believe that and he loves his wife, I believe that. The problem is he doesn't know what real love is so he is loving you and her the only way he knows how and that's his own selfish love. Love is not selfish, it's not proud, Love is kind. Are his actions kind to you or her? I know you want to tell her but she does know and she is dealing with it the best way she knows how...denial. Such a small word (denial) but it has great power. Please don't fool yourself...this woman is not happy but she is dealing with her situation. I also wanted to strike out at the other party and let them know but most of it was because i didn't want him to be happy or for that matter her...Guess what? Neither of them are happy and if it's not you honey he will live in a marriage where he is not happy but he WILL find someone else. He has to feed the selfish monster that lives in him. If you loved hamburgers yet someone took them away would you live a live a life without something you loved or would you find a replacement. Take away your kids favorite toy and they find a new one that works just as well. Life will not be kind to him so don't get involved. She is hurt enough so don't add insult to injury. She might even be a member of this site for all you know.
Does this help?...

It does. Funny thing is he even admits to being selfish. And you are right, even though I don't want him to contact me...I always see him when he does. I hope that soon, I can find the strength to change that. I do want him to be unhappy, he hurt me more than I can ever even admit to...dragged me on and on rather than telling me the truth (which I would have understood...we all make mistakes after all). But, after reading your post, I do know they are unhappy. If they were then she would not be suspicious and he would not want to be with me. I guess if I disappear than he is left to face himself and his wife. Thank you. I cannot wait until I have the strength to run from all of this and start my life over.

You're welcome. Just let me clear something up. He deserves to be unhappy...the wife does not. Read some of these post, read the wives tale. If you see their side you will see that they hurt just like we did/do and they deserve to be happy and have the strength to start all over again. Don't worry dear...The guy I was seeing that I thought I wanted to kill myself over...here we are 5yrs down the line and I'm happy. He goes to my gym and he is still cheating...sad thing is he has moved onto guys and his wife is still at home believing his lies. Not all of the wives will hang on for that long...there are some pretty strong women on this site.

Good Luck, keep reading...it will make you strong