here it goes....firstly, i'll start by saying that i found out about a month ago that my wife cheated on me when we first started dating.

when my wife and i started dating, she had just broken up with her ex (boyfriend). we dated for about 9 months, and moved in together. got married about 9 months after that. i depolyed to Iraq (for nearly 8 months), and got sent home early becuase my wife nearly died and was in the hospital (she's doing much beter, but still has some recovery to go). anyway, i was moving some furniture around when i got back to make it easier for her to get around, and i found an old diary (it fell out of a dresser). i picked it up and looked at it, and saw in the first page i saw that she had slept with me and her ex in the same day, about 4 months after we started dating!

i have since confronted her about this, and she continually lied about it and until i flat-out told her all that i knew. she admitted that she was sleeping with him for about 8 months (of the begininng of the relationship). she said it stopped afer we movd in together,and i really have no idea to believe otherwise.

one thing that was in her diary was her "list" of the people she's been with, chronlogically....a little more information than i think anone really wants.

here are some of my issues:
-she cheated on me for 8 months!
-she cheated on her ex several times
-she kinda used her ex to support her when we first started dating (but has notdone that with me)
-she's been with about 35-40 guys...kind of a lot (i've been with abut 25 girls, btw she's 31 and i'm 30)
-she refers to hanging witha "bad crowd" growing up
-she doesn't know about 10 of the guys' names that she's slept with
-she slept with about 5 married guys when she was single

here's how i feel:
-she is not able to take care of herself right now (and might never be), so i ABSOLUTLEY WILL NOT LEAVE HER in her time of need.
-i still love her deeply, and if i didn't know she cheated on me, would be completley and totally happy.
-i have had many people cheat on me in the past (military deplyments), so this hurts me so much worse, since it happened again
-we are planning on going to marriage counseling
-i'm worried that cheating is a "habit" or instinct for her. she says that the near-death experience, and with me being gone has changed her, but i'm unsure that i'll ever be able to trust her.

anyone have any advice, comments, etc???

thanks.

gosh- i really admire your ability to stay with your wife thick and thin- u reallly can't hold her prior relationships against her (before u were married)- Not sure what to say but i hope tht marriage counseling helps.

pitt,

i agree with you....unfortunately,i read that diary and know pretty much ALL of her past, which i did not want to know. i'm just struggling to put that information aside, espcailly with her history of cheating (with several married gys, cheating on her ex AND on me)....

she and i are both trying very hard to talk openly about this stuff...i don't want a divorce and netiehr does she. one of my concerns is that i won't forgive her, and hold this against for the duration of the relationship and never trust her again.

i guess this will just take time, and may or may not happen...

It is unfortunate that you found your wife's diary, if you hadn't then you could have spared yourself thie pain you must now feel.
Don't forget you are both still very young and when we are young we make all kinds of silly mistakes. People who are insecure use all sort of props to make them feel good. Some people eat a lot, some drink too much and some people might use sex as a way to make them feel wanted and good about themselves. What you need to look at is the person who stands before you now. As you say, you have slept with other women so you can understand why you did that. The fact that it happened when you were together is different, but then the relationship was new and she might have been confused.
Try to put this behind you and move forward. If she needs your help be there for her. Most of all, if you feel good about helping her then don't let what happened in the past cloud your judgement. Sometimes "reading" something that someone else has written can sound different to how it actually was.
My best wishes for a speedy recovery and a bright future for you both.

Nancy,

thanks for your input....that's the type of advice i need. i do love my wife, and we want to stay together. there are times that i know if i never found the diary, i would be soooo happy. but at the same time, if i found it later, or i found out some other way, i don't know how i would react. also, i feel that information is neccessary for the relationship...

my wife is doing a much better job at being thruthful with me, and we are working very hard at communicating. unfortunately, i have a hard time letting things go, and the things i've read tend to "flood my mind' sometimes and i get really angry.

i am looking forward to counseling (this week), since i hope they can help me in dealing with this, and help her to realize the issues that she needs to work on.

she had said that she had low self esteem, and was in a somewhat abusive relationship (the ex that she cheated on me with), but places too much blame on that. i told er that she made those choices, and needs to accept that she did it regardless of her reasons. one of my concerns is that she seemed to cheat in her past to lash out on her ex, or slept with a lot of guys when her first marriage went bad.

i do wish she was more truthful before, because there are times when i genuinely wonder what is really the truth in our relationship...the big issue here is that i need to learn to trust her again and forgive her for her mistakes.

I am glad that you are moving forward with this. It is not going to be easy I know, but you CAN get over it if you WANT to. Sometimes unpleasant thoughts will invade your head and they will hurt, but you can quickly send them away. The important thing is that you both work together and try to resolve these issues. Don't make her feel bad about it and show her that you trust her. My guess is that we will never again completely trust someone who has let us down, it must be something to do with self preservation I suppose, we will look that little harder for signs of deceipt. Gone are forever the days when we completely trusted that person, but that is not necessarily such a bad thing. It just serves to identify that none of use are infallible and we can all make mistakes. Good luck with counselling.