My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Over those years, I have discovered many postings on various websites of him trying to "meet" women. He travels often, and after having reading various emails of him trying to make connections where he is traveling, I approached him. He claims it was all talk, that he had no intention of meeting anyone.

In that same year, I discovered a card that someone had sent to him at his office address saying how much he means to her and how much she loves him. He claimed it was from someone he met online - and that she was nuts. Interesting that she had his NEW work address . . .

I've approached him about his activities off and on for years, but the reponse is always laced with anger, that I am paranoid and insecure, etc. He criticizes me and calls me names and tries to reduce me to nothing.

While traveling again two weeks ago, I received a call from a women with whom he has been having an affair for a little over a year. She had found postings on websites with him trying to meet people while he is currently traveling and was pretty mad - thus the call to me. At first he seemed upset when I confronted him, but I doubt everything has stopped, even though he assures me it has. His track record on honesty isn't great.

Four years ago, I had a brief (5 weeks) affair with a man I worked with. He was in the same boat as me -- his wife was doing what my husband was doing and over time we became friends - and we wanted them to feel our pain. We hardly had a sexual relationship -neither conscience would allow us that - and we were ready to call it off when my husband hired a PI. He wanted evidence, I guess in case I came forward with everything I had on him over the years and tried to run away with this guy and take our daughter with me.

The part that I have the most difficulty dealing with -- he is upstanding in our community - holding a somewhat public position, everyone looks at him as a pillar -- as someone that is professional, a great family man and someone to look up to. They are always telling me what a great person he is and how proud I should be. We are a professional couple that has the life that "everyone" wants, but me!

I'm really not sure where to go from here. It is like he is two people. There is a part of him that is truly a wonderful person. It is that dark side that I can't take. I feel like I am cheating myself by staying with this incurable cheat.

One day,

It seems to me that there is a particular kind of cheater that I've noticed. I suppose that is true because there are so many different stories told here on the board. But the type of cheater you are describing sounds like this category of cheater that I cannot name or put a finger on. Since that's not my area of expertise, I can only say that I've recognized similarities and differences.

At any rate, I guess we gotta acknolwedge the elephant in the room, that being you cheated. Okay, you did that, you didn't really say what ammends or recovery process was taken when he discovered this, if there was any. Or if you did any soul searching within yourself to discover why you cheated. I understand you saying you felt unloved (my words), but what was it that gave you the permission to cheat within yourself? I'm not critisizing..just wondering.

On to this cheating episode. Two wrongs don't make a right, as you know, so that's not an excusable reason for his infidelity. I appologize, I'm not in the right head space these past few days to give you much constructive suggestions, but I just wanted to say that I relate to this type of person - upstanding, pillar of morals, family man - all that, because I too have a husband who by all presentations of his character and personality would rob a bank before he would cheat, he is a professional, I was until I chose to work from home for a while. There just seems to me that there is more to this type of cheater, and what we have discovered in this process of recovery is that he is a sex addict in addition to other issues that brought this all on.

No, it wasn't me, it's not your fault or my fault that they choose this way of acting out for whatever their reasons are, that's one thing I know firmly. But what is at the crux of their issues that brings them to do this is yet to really be fully understood, atleast by me, and if anyone has the answers to these questions, please stand up!!! M

When cheaters are caught it is normal to lash out and degrade or insult the person catching them. They want it to be such a horrible ugly situation that you don't WANT to call them on things because you know what a mess THEY will cause. It's a tactic that they may not even realize they are doing. Also, when someone has some decent morals, and they are cheating, they KNOW what they are doing is wrong, so they tell themselves, and the other person how bad their mate is so that they feel justified in their actions. Afterall, if you live with an abusive ogre that you are only staying with because he/she would take the kids, it would be less offensive and almost understandable to find love in the arms of some other caring person.
You may notice the cheater starting fights or getting mad at you for no real reason or blowing up and blaming you for little things that normally would be no big deal.

That said, you owe it to yourself to love and be loved by someone that wants to be with you and only you. Anything less is settling for "the best you can get".
If you have caught him red handed like you have said, I would print out and file away all the evidence and names etc and present to him an ultimatum, he either stops talking to and seeing other women, or you leave, take half his shit and make all the evidence of his transgressions VERY public and if Adultery is illegal in your state it is a crime and you may be able to prosecute him and THAT will be on his public record. I know that may feel kind of brutal but some people don't HEAR you unless you talk in a language they understand and tell them you WILL hit them where it hurts, then you will have their attention. Up till now, his only repercussions for doing these things is a couple minutes/hours of you yelling at him, so if you want him to take you seriously, give him something to think about.

Thank you for the message. You are right about the reactions of being caught - anger and lashing out - denial, telling you that YOU have the problem . . .

I found an ad he had posted on an adult website, looking for women for "fun" when his OW called me to tell me about their affair -- she had found the posting -- Just yesterday, I found a new "posting" that was created the same day he deleted the other posting -- after being busted by me. Can you believe that? I know, yes you can.

I was recently reading articles about narcissism and boy was that describing him. The humble narcissist -- which camoflauges the typical symptoms of narcissism -- and how a narcissist can be so charming . . .

I'm not sure where I am going from here. But I am definitely working on me. I feel as though a cloud has lifted and I can see so much more clearly.

This forum has helped so much. I know that I am not alone out there!