Really at this point the state is the one that is going to decide all of this for you. Start documenting times that she is gone. Start documenting the dates that she is drunk or whatever. But I can tell you that she will throw the lies at the judge about you. So you will have to pay childsupport even if you dont want to, you will have to split custody even if you dont want to. You dont have a say in the matter. This is what you will have to do if you want to split from her.

You have to ask yourself this, would you rather stay with this women for the rest of your life, be miserable just for the sake of your children. Who by the way see and hear everything and it will rub off on them.You will be teaching them that this is how a relationship is and they will end up in the same kind of relationship when they get older. OR would you rather be happy in life and be able to give your children a happy father apart from your wife.

You know in your heart that she isnt doing what is right for you or your kids but you cannot stop her. So at this point you need to split from her. Both of you will be happier apart. With both of you being happier your kids will be happier. I know most people think that having the parents together is what makes the kids happy but I believe that having 2 parents happy APART is better than having 2 miserable parents together.

My state doesnt recognize cheating either but it will still work out.
Do whats rigth for you and the kids.

HTL,

I would not throw in the towel yet about not having a leg to stand on with the divorce issue, should that be the route you are going to take. She has been cheating. She has behaved as an unfit parent. Perhaps, and I'm not incinuating this, but perhaps put them in harms way while you are at work...who knows. All I'm saying is there may be other avenues for you to work with for your own protection and that of your children...which would be my first line of thought. M

I re-read my post and realize that I said - she has been cheating...no duh...what I mean to say is she had been drinking, excessively. I know this isn't right to do, but if you want to protect your kids than I would collect what ever evidence and proof you can that she is not in a fit state of mind to care for the kids. I would say maybe you should get custody of them. I don't know that much about the law where you are, but here it is a no-fault law, however, I can file a fault law suit in my situation if i want to..Will cost more, but I have that option. M

I agree with both of you. I can never trust her again.. she lies, cheats, and steals.. wow.. I sure pick em don't I? At this point the best thing to do is let her self destruct and collect the evidence. Fortunately, I've already been doing an okay job of documenting her recent habits. And making me stay home from work is completely irresponsible.

But, got a confession from her.. I told her I knew she was cheating.. she kept asking "where'd you get your info" being very evasive.. So I tried a different tact that worked. She was always saying she was afraid to tell me the truth because I always get mad.. so I decided, okay I won't get mad (at least not with her on the phone).. and I told her, I wouldn't promise that I wouldn't be angry, but I could promise I wouldn't explode or start screaming or anything like that. And she said "you really want to know the truth? Will is my boyfriend, we've been going out a week". They had sex, then she got really drunk and was puking all night. I explained to her some of the things I'd been reading online (divorcing and going with the cheater is great at first but reality sinks in quick). She claims I drove her to cheat, but I don't believe that for a second. She makes her own decisions. Obviously I can't force her to do anything, or she wouldn't be doing what she is doing.

Also, her dad did the same thing. He decided to go off and get a prostitute in Korea while stationed there, and has cheated on both his wives. He would lie to get his way. He would steal money from the kids.. they had to hide it. Her mom had 6 kids at home, and he abandoned her, going off truck driving, cheating etc. She had an emotional breakdown and still is not really recovered. The kids ended up in foster care or group homes. All because of his selfishness. I was naive to think she would turn out differently.. but I was a trusting person. The first danger sign was her stealing money. (Damn I wish I would have got out then, there were no kids involved). Anyhow, so I confront her with the similarities. I knew she wouldn't see it or accept it, but I wanted to plant the seed. She is doing the same thing to her family that she hated her father for doing to her and her brothers and sisters.

Her mom is coming over. Despite her mental illness which comes and goes, she has always tried her best to be a good mom, and friendly to me. It'll be good because if she gets here first she can be a witness that Robin is gone. Yeah, she "needed a nap"... whatever.. It will work to my advantage hopefully at least in a small way.

She has no job, been drinking, acting irresponsible. If I'm really lucky then maybe I can get sole custody and she can get visitation. Then I wouldn't have to pay child support. Am I dreaming?

Well, I'm sorry to hear all that you have on your plate, but what is real is real. There's some comfort in knowing what you have to do. Are you dreaming? I don't think so, doesn't sound like it, but I'm not a lawyer or judge.

It sounds like the best avenue you can take at this point is to do what you can to preserve the safety and wellbeing of your children and yourself. You can't control her behavior. It's neither your job or your responsibility. That job is left up to her. Your job is to yourself and your kids. Stay in that mind frame if you can. Try hard not to react with anger, it will get you no where but more anger stuffed down your throat by her denial. Her behavior is not your fault...not the drinking and not the cheating. People have choices in life. Sometimes they choose wrongly because of things that have happened to them in their life that steers them down the wrong path. But, in the end, we all have a choice which road we take. We can say what caused us to do things that we do, but we can't put the blame for our choices on anything or anyone else. That's called not taking responsibility for our actios...which obviously she hasn't done and doesn't sound like she is going to do in the near future anyway.

Maybe if she hits bottom she will see, but for now, those kids of yours as well as yourself deserve to have some sort of normalcy in your life and you are the commander of that ship right now...not her.

Do what's right. Do what's fair without anger. Be realistic even when there's plenty of hurt and resentment to go around. If you realize that you can't fix her and therefore she can't be a part of fixing the problem I believe you will find it easier to cope with all this crap.

In a way I feel sad for people who have lived their lives this way...what a waste...but then I pull myself back to reality and know, it's there choice.

Somebody's always around here if you need to vent. None of use have all the answers, heck half the time we can't even answer our own questions, but if you need to vent, somebody will listen. Good luck and take care of yourself and those kids. And, btw, don't disregard the thought that seeing a counselor for yourself would probably be a really good idea so you can keep your head screwed on straight with all this. Can't hurt. M