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Hi,
I've been married 4 years, we have 2 kids, 3 (almost) and 1 1/2. She is a stay at home mom. Now, going into this post, I realize we have some serious communication issues, which I'm trying to get us counseling for, more details later. I decided to make a list of the things I could think of that have been making me crazy lately. I feel like I am married to a stranger. Sorry if my thoughts are disorganized, it's after 2 am.. My wife is at someone else's place, drunk, she claims it's her brother (that was the cover for her going out), but I could not confirm it. I have to work tomorrow (well, today), but I'm so messed up with what I've been through lately I'm starting to not care about life sometimes. These are roughly chronological:
* We had an agreement that we consider together any large purchases. So I find out that she is spending money without telling me, then then lies about it. Says it's because she already knows I wouldn't have agreed with the spending, so she had to lie. Of course this is only after she gets caught. For example, I come home and the house is REALLY clean. But the cleaning agent smells different. I ask point blank if she hired a maid. She says no. Later I find out she actually did because she can't account for over $60 in cash that was withdrawn (after I exhausted a few really badly concocted lies about what the money was for). She finally comes out with the truth. This is supposed to somehow make everything better, and I'm not allowed to ever bring it up again.. for instance when she pulls the exact same thing again.
* We left the Mormon church together. I keep telling myself this is the reason for everything, that she is just exploring life, but this is making me crazy. And of course I've made all the mistakes of asking the "paranoid" questions. I've flat out told her I don't trust her anymore because of all the lies I've caught her in (she at least confesses when I catch her in a lie). Of course now I realize that I've been making some big mistakes because she knows I am on to her and I don't have hard evidence.
* She started obsessing about her weight, has lost something like 40 lbs now... still working on more. I never commented on her weight because honestly it's not a factor at all to me.
* Changed her entire wardrobe.. she wears "tank top" shirts, and skimpy shorts now.. they look so bad to me, but maybe that's because I've been used to her dressing modestly? Says it's because she felt confined by the old clothes.
* Sets up a webcam and starts chatting with a guy.. with me right next to her (we have two computers). So, I give her the benefit of the doubt, after all she didn't try to hide anything, right? But the dude creeps me out because he is always in the shadows.
* Guess I shouldn't have been so trusting. I caught her flirting with the guy over the IM. She denies it. I check her IM logs (I felt bad, but after what I found I did not anymore). She lied. It wasn't just flirting, it was full on cyber sex. I never actually found the log with the cyber sex (argh), but just her talking about it with her friends and wishing she could meet him. Of course, like a fool I confronted her and she played the "you give me no privacy" card, so now I was the bad guy. I deleted the logs (or so she thinks). Like an idiot, I showed her how to disable logging.. I thought I was making a gesture of good will for her privacy thing. I've recently turned her logging back on. More on that later. She still won't tell me who she did it with or the real details. Claims it was nothing and no fun, which is a lie otherwise she wouldn't have been bragging about it to her friend.
* After that, she would turn her monitor so I could not see, because I was "spying". In reality I was so sick by what she was doing I wouldn't even look at her monitor.. It was somehow easier believing everything was ok.
* Gave me a "I want a divorce" letter (I'm too controlling, no privacy, etc etc). I called her and talked her out of it. Honestly, mostly for selfish reasons.. it's not like I want a divorce, far from it.. but if she is going to divorce me, I want sole custody the kids, and so I would need dirt on her. I don't want to pay child support so she can go live with someone else, and on top of that not be able to see my kids all the time, and know that lies would be fed to them constantly about how I'm a bad person. So, she claimed to want to do counseling. I let her know my fear that if I was in charge of setting of the counseling she would judge any delays as me not being serious about it. She still have not set up the appointments even with frequent reminders, even hourly.
* Cannot be seen in public or even visitors without an extensive makeup routine (usually takes upwards of an hour). Sure she used to do makeup, but it is now extreme.
* Shaves her pubes.. Why? "for myself"
* Going out running frequently in the evenings, this is part of her weight loss routine. She has always hated exercise before.
* Along with the exercise, she stops over down the street to hang out, often there until after midnight. Often drunk on return. There are a bunch of guys there. She claims girls too and that the guys are old. Of course I can't be sure because I'm watching the kids and usually 1 or 2 are in bed, so I'd have to abandon them to find out the truth. I can't see these guys giving her free beer night after night without something in return. Not sure what that something is.
* Resents being home with the kids all day (even though being a stay at home mom was what she wanted when we were dating, getting married, etc). Now uses it as an excuse to spend evenings away, with me watching the kids (mom's night out). Or down the street drinking. It's not that I mind watching the kids, on the contrary, I love spending time with my boys. It's the manipulation factor that gets me, that somehow I'm to blame. And also, it means between work and her going out all the time we hardly see each other, except dinner time (because I got sick of her leaving with the kids starving), and weekends (kinda). Any other time she is constantly on the IM, on the phone, or watching TV. Now is doing it on weekends too.
* Got angry because I opened her drawer to put some piece of clothing back that the kids had gotten out. It's not like I was snooping around.. but even still, seems way too paranoid.
* Showers (after getting drunk and supposedly staying over at her gf's house) came home after 7 am. "They were smoking and I smelled". Won't tell me the phone number or address of her friend. I get the phone number when she forgets to delete it once. Why do I want the number? So I can actually contact her in case of an emergency, since the cell phone is nearly always off when she is out.
* Closes IMs when I even enter the room.
* Takes sexy pictures of herself and uses one of them as her Facebook profile picture.
* Goes outside to talk on the phone. Deletes numbers of people she calls from the redial. Tons of "out of area" calls received. When I come outside while she is on the phone, there is nearly always a comment like "yeah he is outside now".
* Only in the mood for sex when its really late and I'm completely exhausted / half asleep, or after we'd had an emotionally draining argument. Then complains that we never have sex anymore. When I try at other more logical times, she is never willing.
* The things we have are never good enough anymore. The house we bought barely a year ago, the minivan that is like 2 years old, the bed isn't big enough, etc etc.
* Claims she is talking to her friend, but caught her in a lie on that today. It disconnected accidentally, and I heard the calling card thing asking if she wanted to make another call. she denied it, and I said, look, I know you were not talking to your friend because she is not long distance (I took the phone and showed her the calling card number), so tell me who you were actually talking to. She admitted that it was a guy, but of course they were only friends. I asked where he lives, she claimed at first she didn't know, but after pressing her on it to the point of anger (yeah retarded on my part, but I was pissed) she said maybe in town. Claims she has only been chatting for less than a week, and they have never met. Calls him right in front of me to let me know that I know about them chatting. She tells me he said he was gay (I didn't want to talk to the dude), but when I heard that I had to call BS, loudly. I check the received calls, and the "out of area" calls go back almost a month (but probably more because the phone only keeps so many). Another lie, but I haven't revealed that one to her.
Sorry that was so long. I guess it was mostly for me to vent.. but any comments are certainly welcome.
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