Marie H,

Thank you for taking the time to respond, i have been for a long walk, i never even knew it was raining, i am totaly lost and have no idea where to turn, i hurt so bad, maybe thats a good thing because if i did not love her so much i could not hurt so badly as i do.

I hate the thoughts running through my head, i keep asking myself where i went wrong, how can i forgive her how can i ever trust her again, how can i live with the pain i feel. i cant shut my eyes without picturing her with him and what they were doing, why did this happen to me.

I always thought i was a good man, her children have never wanted for anything, she has never had to work, i have never questioned the money she has spent, i just do not know where to turn or who to talk too, i feel so alone, I work from home so i do not even have collegues who i can turn to, i know so few people and the one person i trusted was the cause of this, i dont know who to trust i dont know who to turn too, i just hurt so bad, i realy dont know what to do.

I just asked myself how can i be sat here talking to strangers about something i hold so close to my heart, what can i gain from telling someone i do not know and will never meet how i feel,

Life seems to have no meaning, time seems to have stood still, nothing has prepaired me for how i feel, i always thought i could handle everything life had to throw at me, but nothing has ever come close to what is going through me now. i need to know how to cope with this my thoughts are so confused, one moment i am so angry that i can actualy see myself hurting her, i know in my heart i could never do this but why do i feel that i could.

Then i can not stop crying, and i feel so hollow inside, what is there left for me, i can not hold a tangable thought together for more than a few moments before, hate, anger, and love flow through me all at the same time.

I do not think i can stand another night alone, i dont think i am strong enough to deal with this, and thats stupid i am not a young boy, i am a mature sencible adult, i should not feel the way i do, but i can not seem to help it.

i just do not know how to deal with this anymore.

Paul, let me know when you have read all the posts I have put up. M

Paul please listen to Marie, she is smart and she really does make sense.

I understand you are in a lot of pain and dont know what to do. Your right you dont know us, you will never meet us. But believe it or not the site has provided me, Marie and a lot of others with a lot of support. We are here for you! We will be here for you to cry, to yell, to scream.

LET IT OUT PAUL!

Paul please I can feel your pain in your words and I am worried.

Please respond to us so we know your ok.

@ M

I read your replies, but everything is so hard to take in at the moment, i have so many conflicting thoughts going through my head, How the hell does any one come to terms with something like this, how do you stop the pain inside

While this may not be the best time i keep reading the email she sent to him that i found with e blaster i dont know if it will help you understand how i am feeling but i have copyed it below. she sent him this on Thursday of last week.

Hi you,

just a quick one, this adress is strictly online email addy and I'm not even writing from my laptop.
But since I can't even leave you letters at your house safely anymore I'll get in touch this way. So you can actually answer me cause I can only read here when I login. And just in case I won't do that from my laptop either. I just don't know when I'll get the chance to check mails. have to

I never said thank you for all the compliments you paid me last time :-D. So: thank you very much .

Maybe I should have dragged you into the bedroom straight away but I thought I'd better get some of the windows done from the outside as well just in case someone drove by and noticed they hadn't been done and I wasn't around .
But in retrospect it was a good idea that I didn't since you had an unexpected visitor :-D.

Will we ever get there again? I hope so!

Right, I'll leave you here for now, got to be quick.

Have a really good day
love
M

Paul, you can do one of two things. You can keep reading it over and over and over until you become numb to it, or you can put it away somwhere for safekeeping and read it when you feel it is time to visit this again. Everyone deals with this differently, but you will do what you will do and that is OK. No matter what you do with the letter though, it isn't going to take away the hurt.

You cannot MAKE this pain go away. I know you want to, we all wanted to MAKE the pain go away. The only thing you CAN do with the pain is work with it, but making it just go away isn't something that is possible. Maybe if you stop trying to accomplish something that is impossible to do you may be better able to accept it. This sounds harsh, but it is the real deal.

As brutally painful as this is right now, please try to absorb the real truth in the fact that you are NOT going to feel this way forever. You won't. People said this to me on my day of discovery and I thought and felt for sure they had no idea what they were talking about. I insisted I would feel just as beat up inside for the rest of my life as I did on that day. In time, and it took a long time, I did actually feel some relief and little by little the deep down aching pain that rattles every bone in your body will let up. That too is something that our bodies do to help us survive. You are going to feel really, really awful for a while. That is a fact and there is no way around that.

Sometimes it helps to know what to expect. No one that I knew in my circle of friends/relatives had a clue what I could expect for me, but had they been able to let me know at that time what I was in for I probably would have been better able to be okay with it. I'll share with you some of what I felt at that time. Maybe other people here will also share what they experienced so you will know that the feelings and reactions you experience are normal and are part of the process of dealing with this.

My first reaction wavered between denial and mental/emotional exhaustion. I was out of sorts and spacey for quite a few weeks. Could not sleep, could not grasp reality, could not eat. I couldn't focus on anything without a memory or an extreme emotion invading my head. I cried, endlessly and without warning. I was angry at times, VERY angry, and then I would cry some more. I morned our past together. I hated him and loved him deeply at the same time. I wanted to strike back and at the same time I wanted to be near him. I wanted to leave him as far away as I could get and then in an instant I wanted to be home. Nothing mattered, not my family (all grown adults), not my job, not my personal appearance, not my hygiene, not my bills or income...nothing mattered. Every day felt like the same day over again. I felt hopless, weak. I felt like my life was forever over. Sometimes I still do and it's been almost 2 years.

Sometimes I wanted to take the blame for what happened. I wanted it to just be over no matter what it cost me. I was shattered, distraught, confused and wanted to know everything. I was the super slueth of slueths.

Everyone goes through a different process of surviving this, but it seems like one of the thinks that's common is we don't know what to do. You feel helpless. In an instant your entire world was turned upside down and you just can't get the weight off of you. Fact is Paul, this is exactly what happened and you simply cannot carry the weight by yourself. It's too much, too overwhelming.

You said you had no support system. If that is so, this can be a support for you. Many of us here have been on this board from day one and watched as each of us have healed to a degree, watched our journey unfold. Some are new with this, some are in the middle and some are way passed the shock stage. Everyone has something valuable to offer that you can draw on. We take and give. Believe it or not you are helping someone, somplace right now who may be going through what you are going through.

You can put out what you need to vent here and no one will criticize you. You may not agree with what everyone says, but that's the beauty of the computer. You get to read what you want and disregard what doesn't work.

I wish there was more to offer you Paul, but the bottom line is there is nothing more to help you through this than to talk about it, get it out, say what you gotta say, force yourself to do every day no matter what it is and hang on for a bit. It will get better in time. It really will. Believe that. M

Well its been just over a week now since i found out, it does not seem to be getting any easer however much i try to tell myself that it is, i have had a chance over the past week to reflect on what has happend, i dont know if i am more hurt that it happend or the lies that went into trying to hide it from me.

In my heart i want to forgive and forget but i am having a real hard time coming to terms with what happened, i have asked her why it happened but her answers are hard for me to comprehend, this guy who was a so called friend of mine had recently split up with his wife, she says he was going on about how bad he felt and he was paying her complements and she felt flatterd and one thing led to another and once it happened she felt some form of excitment, that i can not seem to understand, she says she loves me and that it would not happen again, but how do i know i can trust her, how do i know she is just not taking advantage of me.

I wanted to hurt this guy so badly, but what would that have acheved, very little, yes i may have felt good for a short time, but it still happend and that will not go away, and i have never been a physicaly violent person anyway so would most likely have come out of it the looser.

I do not know if i love my partner enough to risk taking her back, i know how bad i felt about all this and how close i came to ending my life, in fact i was so close when i think about it, it actualy scares me that i coudl have been so low as to have considderd it, again what would it have acheived.

Is it possible to get back together with her in the same way we were ? can i take the chance that she is not going to do it again with someone else ? she says she would not but after so many lies what do you believe.