My Story:

I've been with my husband for 8 years. We have been married for 5 years. I'm 29 years old. My husband is the only man I have ever been with. He is the only man I have ever kissed or been sexually active with. I love him.... But, I'm not sure if i'm in love with him. We have been through so much. We have had many financial troubles and marital troubles. 2 years ago my husband had an emotional affair. He said he never slept with her. Anyway... I thought I was over it. We talked about and all was forgiven. A year later, my husband started going out again. I became very jealous and suspicious. I never use to be that way. I accused him of cheating and he stopped. While this was going on... I felt so alone. That I started chatting with someone online. My intentions where never to cheat or get back at my husband. I just needed someone to talk to and who understood what I was going through. Last week, me and this person decided to meet. He was not what I expected. i felt so comfortable with him ... something I never felt with my husband. I am so confused. I want to keep seeing this man. We have so much in common. He is divorced and thinks that I am divorced as well. So, I'm lying to both of these guys and I don't know how to tell them the truth. I don't know what to do!I don't want to make a mistake and choose the wrong guy. My husband suspects my infidelity. Please help.... I don't have any friends that i can talk to about this.

Patty, since your husband had an emotional affair and you are now, what sounds like, having an emotional affair, doesn't that kinda sound like you are both lacking something in the relationship, equally? These are pretty obvious red flags, I'm sure even to you.

Here's what I would do, not that it's the same as you would do, but it just seems to be the most honest way to handle this to all three people involved.

First, I'd go see a counselor for yourself a couple/few times to see what's really going on with your emotions. I would level with the couselor completely and tell it all. If you hold back anything, they cannot help you.

Then I would ask the counselor if they would be the mediator between you and your husband and tell him what's been going on in their presence, to create a safe place in which you can feel comfortable in telling him the truth. For now though it would be a good idea to let this other person you have begun a connection with go. It's wrong and you know it which is only going to add yet another emotion into the picture, that being guilt, both of lying to him and lying to your husband. You can't possibly make honest decisions based on dis-honesty. You are caught in a triangle of lies - to your husband, your new connection and a lie within yourself. How can you see honesty within yourself with this set up? Can't do it...too much fog. Too much confusion as you have said.

You may find that either your husband has the same emptiness in your relationship that you have but hasn't been able to address it either OR you may find out this new connection is just a bandaid for issues you and your husband need to work out. Really bad badaid for that sort of problem, but nonetheless it is the solution you erroneously looked for.

You will eventually get caught, guarantee. People who cheat con themselves into believing that they won't get caught in order to do what they want for themselves. It's completely self-centered..the rest of the world doesn't exist. You already know what would likely happen if you did get caught, so why go there. I know that if I step out into the path of oncoming cars I will likely get smashed. Is that really the end result you want?

Do this the right way and preserve your own personal integrity and you will find the right answer. The way you are doing it, chances are any decision you make will always haunt you and you will always wonder. M

Thank you for your input. I was thinking the same thing this morning. I can't keep lying and I think that me and my spouse need counseling. I'm going to come clean this weekend to both. I am going to let go of my new connection. He's a great guy and deserves to be with an honest woman.