Hello, Iam new to this site and am having a real hard time overcoming the fact that my husband had an affair. He did some really terrible things to me. The first time he crossed the line I was in the hostipal and he left me there alone so that he could have is fun in MY home, My Room. That is the night the other women claims she concieved. The baby is due in Jan. At this point I am trying to work on my marriage, but at the same time I know I'm holding back and we can never work through this as long as there is the looming threat of his child with another women. I have asked myself over and over if I could be a mother to it and the answer is NO. NO I can't, so when the DNA test come back, I may be forced to leave. But the thing is and I don't know why, but I love this man with all my heart and can't picture my life with out him. I'm so confused as how to handle all of this. HE did it, not me, but yet I have to pay.

wow!

you mean you would be willing to mother this child as an attempt to mend your marriage? would you care enough for it - without becoming resentful and taking your stress out on it?

how long have you been married?

No, I could not bring myself to mother that child. I would leave for the good of the child. I have been married for almost 5 years, but together for 7 years.

I am sorry for your situation. I too am in that same situation. We have been together for 10 years and now I found out he has a 1 year old with someone else. It has not been easy to deal with because the mother calls all the time to talk to him, "about the child" but I can hear the conversations so i know that is not true. I have made it very clear that I cannot be a mother to this child (we have 1 together and he has 3 older children who live with us as well) so he goes and spends the day at the mothers house on Sunday's so he can spend time with this child. The other children don't go with him usually just the one daughter on occasion. Sorry to ramble. My recommendation for you is to find out what your husband's intentions are to do. I think that I am working it out in my own mind now as long as the child is not part of my household but it is hard and he doesn't understand what the problem is. Really it comes down to if your husband respects your feelings on this situation. Maybe in time you can accept this child but at this point it is unresonable to think you can, as well as it is not fair to the child to be subjected to those feelings. Good luck.

Big red,

R u sure you want to leave your husband all by his self with this other woman on sunday?

For the sake of your relationship, you should really allow the child to come see his dad, not the other way round.

how do you know they are not having sex? your husband needs to put more effort in, i.e. cut conversations, limit time spent with woman on sunday by allowing child to come. if he really wanted to go, you should in theory accompany him, why not both go visit his son?

just saying, cause slowly but surely, you could loose your husband, or he is showing like he doesnt really want to try to work things out.

sorry.

Amethyst, I had a couple thoughts on your post. Only you know how they fit with your way of thinking, but I'll offer them as food for thought just the same. You do what you want with them.

Would you possibly be considering raising this child, your husband's child (the child of your husband and the other woman) thinking that this will show him just how much you love him and shut the other woman out of your relationship by kinda taking control sort of? Like stepping in and putting the value of this other woman on a lower level than yourself in your husband's eyes?

If this is so, you are probably thinking in a very unrealistic way. You will never, ever be this child's mother. You can try to be the mommy, which is different, but you will never be the mother no matter how many diapers you change or how many sick pediatrician visits you take that child to in the middle of the night. This child will always be your husband's and the other woman's child. He will always have an attachment with this child that you can't possibly join him in. Can you live with that reality?

If this woman is going to sign the child over to you and your husband and you are going to adopt it legally then maybe you can, to a degree, live peacefully with all this. That can happen, but the reality will always be there. You and your husband did not make this child.

My only concern about this is that you are doing it for the right reasons and not reasons that will put you in the driver's seat...because if that's the reason you are considering being it's mother/mommy you are grasping at straws. It won't work for you and it would be very detrimental for the child. Eventually it will all fall apart and that innocent child will have grown attached to you and perhaps be ripped away from you if he decides to up an leave down the road. Any good you may have done for this child will have ended up causing more harm and damage for it in the end. And for that you would be held accountable. Think about it. M