I had a relapse last week. It wasn't suppose to happen but he took a day off work just to "talk" and 30 minutes before he left...it happened again! I felt cheap afterward and angry at myself. We haven't communicated since last friday. I told him NO MORE texting or calling on my phone! I just want time to pass and the incriminating pages of text messaging we did to be buried in the past. I don't want to be caught! Today I got a weird hangup call from a blocked number. I feel so unhappy and used and cheap. I really wanted it to stop! But do I? I must be pathetic and weak. SO is he...so is he! HE pursued this so heavily and just would not stop until I saw his charms. ANd he's just loaded with them. Now what? I went out today and but a pre-paid phone...I haven't activated it yet..but I thought it would be safer to switch phones in the meantime. I don't feel like this is over yet. I feel like I am being robbed. Of what? Not only self-esteem but of any remnants of moral fiber I have left. Perhaps integrity. I know...I suck. ANd I hate myself and I even have thoughts of suicide as a punishment. But then THAT ends up punishing others. That's not a solution. I have been slaving myself around the house (cleaning, cooking, hosting, chaffeuring, nurturing) without complaint. My husband thinks I've been the perfect wife and he is very happy these days. But I am the worst. I am a fake and a hypocrit and I am a monster!

speechless

BEE, in the first place, I have to compliment you on your writing style and method! You're an awesome writer! Perhaps that's your calling! You are obviously an intelligent woman, who can easily express her experiences and feelings on "paper!" Maybe you should pursue a writing career! I am "anal" when it comes to grammar, writing style, and all that being a good writer entails, kudos!
NOW, on to the problem...
In the past, I have been in the same shoes you're in, and although it's exciting with the thought of getting away with this scandalous secret, and that I am DESIRED by this big-tough man, is enticing, IT IS WRONG ON MANY LEVELS, and very selfish.
Your husband, your children, YOU! Although your husband told you that if you ever left him, he would be destroyed, he wouldn't...life would move forward for him, and he would get over it eventually, but you would hurt him tremendously! YOUR CHILDREN...these are the ones that suffer when we do stupid things like this. They have no blame whatsoever in our adulterous affairs, but they are along for the roller coaster ride of consequences. They love you, and they treasure and see their parent's marriage as sacred. They depend on you to be there for them...their counselor, their guide in life! Don't blow that! Don't make them change their opinion of, "MOM IS THE BEST!"
You made 2 mistakes...now STOP! GET HELP! LIGHT THE FIRE OF ROMANCE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. GO AWAY FOR A WEEKEND TO A ROMANTIC PLACE, AND LET YOUR DESIRE FROM WITHIN BE EXPRESSED PRIVATELY BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BELOVED. Let him know that you love him, you're in love with him, and that you desire him ONLY! BUT ALSO, let him know that you need to feel like a desired woman too. They can't read our minds. Men are clueless when it comes to romance. Give him ideas as to what you want! Tell him to surprise you with a getaway, sexy lingerie or SOMETHING! Think of things! Marriage takes work and much personal sacrifice, and sometimes it's too easy just to give up and give in to infidelity!
I'M WITH YOU GIRL, AND I'M PRAYING FOR YOUR CHILDREN, YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE. DO THE RIGHT THING!

BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOURS!

Bee,

You need to seek counseling and you need to do it NOW. You are exhibiting narcissist personality disorder, by the most plain and simple definition. You CRAVED the attention from the MM, so much so that you "did it again" with him. That in and of itself is such a selfish act. An act from someone who doesn't care who or how many they hurt, as long as they are the "center of attention". You repeat the very same scenario by posting in here.

First you cheated then posted. Then you were "cured" and you posted. Now you've done it again and you've posted. All in an effort to keep yourself in the spotlight. Your posts are dripping with "I" and "me". A most telling sign was when you said you were never "good enough" for your in-laws. Are you truly not "good enough" or have they grown weary of your constant need for attention, with no regards for how that attention is gained?

Someone here stated what a wonderful writer you might make. Another sign of a narcissist. By asking for help in the manner you do, with such "drama" and flair with the pen, gives one a strong reason to believe that you are very "practiced" at the art of narcissism.

Nothing I've said here was done with a malicious tone. You need to get help before you destroy your husband's life and crush your marriage.

Besides, if you continue with an affair, what better way to prove that your in-laws were right?

Trying so hard is pretty spot on. Bee, what you are doing is wrong and it's obvious that you know it's wrong. By saying you wanted the texting and communications to stop because - you didn't want to get caught - is a really insightful example of how your mind thinks. You didn't say/think you wanted the communication to stop because you simply wanted it to stop OR because it was wrong, your thinking is you didn't want to get caught. Soooo, you go buy a paid phone...so you dont' get caught. What's that saying? Buying a paid phone just says that you are trying another way to feed your compulsion and not get caught.

You are truly, truly fooling yourself if you think you are the invincible liar and concealer. You aren't, it's simply a facade you are conjuring up in your mind to enable yourself to continue on the path you are on. You will get caught, eventually. It may take years, but you will get caught, that is inevitiable.

This behavior that you are describing is insistent self-destruction and it's obvious to the outsiders eye. When you are in the middle of it and consummed by it, there's no way you will be able to see it objectively. You have become so passionate about your behavior most likely you will become defensive about the comments made here throughout these posts.

The only constructive thing I think you should take away with you is that you cannot trust yourself OR your judgement on any of this. You can't see it when you are in the midst of it. For sure you need to see a therapist, long term, a psychologist, not just a counselor. And even with that, you will not get the help you need to overcome this unless you are able to be honest with yourself and with them. Personally, I think this is a cry out for help, because I think what you really want to happen is to actually get caught and are caught up in the compulsion of it. If you continue on with what you are doing, you will certainly get caught, no doubt about that, but at who's expense?

Pretty much most of us have been around the block a few times on the receiving end of what you are doing, we know much of this behavior you are doing like the back of our hand. Get help and let a professional give you the guidance to correct the underlying problem, but first you have to admit that you are powerless over this and do what you absolutely have to do, not only for yourself but for those around you. M

I sincerely thank everyone who had something to advise or blatantly say. I felt so lost and needed anything! I came with an armload of stones. HOPING to get stoned. Hoping to feel pain and punishment. To feel HUMAN.

The narcissist reproach sounds about right. The in-laws. Oh I have some rotten ones. But that can be saved for another platform altogether. Oddly, they are on their BEST behavior these days or months that is. Maybe they finally sense something different from me? Maybe I just don't care anymore and ALL of my perfection with the household and family on the surface these days is just pleasing to them. Who cares though. Right?

In conclusion, I have decided to pour my heart into the church. My children, I have decide will never ever know about this. My husband, when the time is right, I will tell him. In the meantime, I have already sought counsel from a church pastor and he is helping me. Next week we will start couples counseling at the church my husband has been encouraging me to attend with him. In time, God will forgive me as I will forgive myself. I will work on my narcissism, because believe me, I am aware of what I have done is wrong and incredibly selfish. In every effort, I will seek to correct it. Afterall, we are not perfect, but we can strive to be.

-Bee