AM I sick? Last time I wrote I was feeling guilty...but then after awhile I just wrote it off as a bad dream. Here I am. New story. New guy! AM I at an age where I am feeling powerless to my own desires? I have children, so does he. We have BOTH been married for 10 plus years. We graduated in the same class. I never knew him back then, but he seems to have known me and had a thing. STILL has a thing for me and drove on his day off 50 miles to see me on his bike. It was just silly...but soon we ended up in the bedroom and things unfolded quickly. I was flattered I suppose..we have both stayed in a great shape and we behaved like silly teenagers. Now..this seems to be evolving into a full blown affair (the last time was a regretful accident and I felt SO guilty but buried it so deeply that it seems to not have ever occurred). Weird but possible. I never fessed up, I just washed my hands free of it...even treated the bandboy with complete disregard and completely disassociated myself from him. But now..things are different. My lust and desire is at full force! I want to do this again and again...not bury it! We are planning a weekend away...and then a longer escape after that. I told him today that we should maybe stop while we're ahead and he got enraged. He's a motorcycle cop and my dad always warned me that they had tempers. I have no idea but it turned me on majorly. I guess I wonder if I'm cold and calculating and cruel. I wonder if I simply have no conscious to carry on like this. Three weeks ago my meek, and loving husband begs me, "never leave me, or you will destroy me". He does NOT deserve someone like me. He deserves someone who will be loyal...like how I was for 12 years. WHAT happened? I don't know. We are still very active sexually...it's just I can't help wanting something different. ANd not a wimpy bandboy either(THAT was a mistake)! This one...oh boy...this one is big and strong and powerful. I've never been with anyone like this before. What a whore! What a total complete ungrateful slut who has lost her mind. Or...or...maybe I just want to feel alive again. I have been robbed of my ambitions and my fuel for inspiration has evaporated with a marriage where I never seem good enough to my in-laws. I've never even become the success I thought I was bound for. I have become useless. But no...I have found a NEW way to dream and THIS makes me feel ALIVE...
You are right! I am...but I am powerless to stop it. He is too, which makes this a two-way street that he initiated again and again. Where does one get help for this? I don't want to destroy anyone...that's why I've kept it a secret. I don't lie...I just don't talk about it or make things obvious. The signs for infidelity were useful for me as well. I studied them well just to be sure I didn't do anything that would put up red flags. I am somewhat irked about the wrongness...that's why I need someone to tell me! Believe me your words hit me like a hot wave. But then a moment later that feeling was gone. So here I blink with no conscious. A clear lack of remorse. Where do I start? Where do I go? If anyone is listening please tell me...
Go and seek out a psychologist that can do an evaluation of what you are describing. A sex addict (which I've had to become a quick learner on) would feel remorse, guilt, shame. It doesn't sound as if you feel any of those things which leads me to thinking there is more of a personality disorder involved that you might want to look into and get an evaluation for. What you are describing is a very narcassistic type of behavior, and even though you are crying out for help to stop this behavior, that alone will not stop the destructive behavior. You can choose. You can either live with the cut and keep putting a band aide on it OR you can get stiches to heal the wound. You choose, it's your call. A message board isn't the place to find that remedy. If you are really acknowledging to yourself that you have a destructive problem, not only to yourself but to others then you need to go where the problem can be solved for you, but first you have to find out what the problem is and it sounds like it is more complex than can be addressed here. Wish it was that simple. Good luck, M
WOW - I think I self cured myself! It IS possible. Things can stop cold turkey! I just made a declaration to myself that I will never ever speak to the MM I became involved with! It is THAT easy! I no longer have an urge or desire! I KNOW what I have done is wrong! Very wrong and I DO NOT want to destroy either of our families!!!
It might have helped that we met up on saturday night and became intimate over and over. It was a pornographic marathon! I kept wanting it and he kept delivering it, but somehow I was never satisfied. He just couldn't do it for me although it seemed enjoyable at the time. It was the action I wanted. However, the novelty wore off with each time. I could clearly see that he was in it for his ego. For someone who he carried a secret torch for all these years...wanting him SO bad over and over again. It is what it is....meaningless and void. I'm hoping that the feeling is mutual...i really don't want to deal with a psycho. Our texting has mellowed out significantly. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by cutting it off immediately after...so we exchanged some sweet nothings yesterday and today. I emailed his account at work today and in the nicest way told him that I like him too much so I needed to take a break. And that if days and weeks go by...he should know that he's in my thoughts. However, he is NOT there anymore and I figured this would be the best way. Time should wear it off...hopefully a month or so. Does he deserve any better? I don't think so.
SO here I am. Blinking the reality of a complete void. I'd like to fill it with something more spectacular than a meaningless affair. THAT is OVER! I think whatever I had to do was like a cure. I don't feel ANY sexual desires. NONE. I share this story on this platform to not only get it off my chest, but to give others an insight into what goes on in an adulterous persons head. I LOVE my husband and my family. I will not destroy it. This shall be tucked away like a bookmark in a book I lost interest in. There a more important things in life to dwell on than inconsequential blips in relationships. Let's say I'm a narcissist...what better way to be done with it. I will NEVER walk this path again. I know it.
I hope it is true. That's what my fiance tells me too.
never again... it is very hard for us to believe you.
You and my fiance both need to do the same thing... find the root of the problem. What is there in your life that has made you need to get this "self worship" feeling that you get by cheating? Were you a lonely, ignored child?
I don't think you will quit until you get counseling and make yourself a whole and healthy person. It is not normal to leave your family and do what you have done. You didn't think about anyone else for such a long period of time. You aren't even thinking about this guy. You just think about how much he wants you, you, you, you, you.
