I can't keep my head in the sand on this but have no idea how to move forward.

Backround: my boyfriend of 9 months had a years long "fling" type relationship that was extremely unhealthy before he met me. On our first date, he talked about needing to move from his current residence because he knew he'd never get in a healthy relationship (which he wanted) with her nearby --obviously she lived in the same complex. So he moved but there was contact that remained. It was a big sore spot for me. I ended up snooping on his cell phone one night and they'd been talking quite a bit. She was leaving nasty messages about him and me yet he was still talking to her. When confronted, of course the issue became about me invading his privacy (which I don't deny is an issue) and how it was hard to just cut her off cold turkey.

I decided to let it go as I didn't think he was seeing her but just disengaging in his own way. We hardly talked about it anymore for months. He did mention she called here and there, claiming she'd gone off to Vegas and gotten married (lie), that she was suicidal another time, and in the last few weeks that she called just to say "I've never loved anyone like I loved you" which he thought was strange because he never felt this was a "love" relationship.

I just decided to let it go and not see her as a threat and move forward.

Cut to now. Last week was his Bd...things have been going great between us for weeks now...minimal conflicts, spending time w/ his family, hanging out all the time, etc. He gets to my house for his BD dinner and tells me immediately about who he'd just run in to at the store en route. An ex girlfriend who'd demolished his heart a year before he met me. He told me the whole thing blow by blow including how he'd given her a hug and she kissed his neck. (I asked if she'd acted amorous to him which he replied yes and told me that).

Now this particular ex had been sleeping with her married boss for years when they met so I know the type..a man is way more attractive if he's taken.

Well she asked him to go out for a drink that night but he said he was headed to "my girlfriend's house who's making me dinner" and apparently that was that.

The next night, he brought her up again wondering who'd called him multiple times a few nights prior. So it sparked a conversation about how he felt seeing her, how he would deal with it should she call him now after seeing each other etc. His response was NOT what I would hope or expect from a boyfriend of 9 months talking about marriage.

He sort of shrugged saying "well we didn't end things on a bad note..she's not a bad person..she's alot of fun..maybe I'd meet her for a beer". I was trying not to over react but was incredibly disappointed. I jsut said "that's not the answer I was hoping for" and we sort of laughed it off.

That led to me asking him how he'd feel if I met casually for a drink an ex who'd broken my heart and who was showing amorous feelings toward me. He responded "I feel totally secure with our relationship because you make me feel that way". Which is true. Then he asked if I felt the same and I said "unfortunately, I can't say you engender those same feelings for me". That hit me like a ton of bricks. Because it's true.

I laid in bed that night tossing and turning. And for months I'd not done this but I was obsessing so I got up and checked his phone.

What I found is he is still keeping in fairly close contact with the OTHER ex . And he has her number listed under a fake male name. I was wondering who was calling him early in the morning and later in the evening under this male name repeatedly. And who he'd called several times. I clicked on the name and there was her number.

I just think I can't take any more of this.

I left out of town for business for 4 days and said nothing other than I had alot on my mind, was needing some space to think about things and we'd talk when I get home. he of course has no idea I'm feeling any of this.

If I mention what I found on the cell phone, the issue of course becomes about me snooping again.

I just don't know what to bring up, how to bring it up or simply to just walk away from this man at this point.

Sorry so long winded...just up late at night and my mind is going round and round..

Reading this I have noticed good and bad things. First the good; it seems that you guys are able to talk to eachother, which is a big thing that a lot of the people on this board are unable to do. It seems that he is pretty honest with you and doesnt really leave you in the dark. However the girls number on his phone under a mans name is a red flag to me. If he is honest with you about seeing someone or talking to them why does he hide her name? I wonder if he is or planning on seeing what is left in that relationship. Or maybe he didnt want to hurt you by talking to her. I feel that if you guys are talking about marriage he has to understand your feelings and fears. Talking to an Ex on a regular bases while talking to you about marriage is wrong. Its a good thing that he told her that he was going to see his Girlfriend, so that is a +. I have to say that you have a hard situation because he is honest with you about somethings and lies about others. I wouldnt give up yet I would probably tell him that his friendship with his ex hurts you and makes you feel insecure. If he really wants to be with you and marry you he will cut all ties with them. Otherwise find another man that isnt so hung up on past relationships.