Thanks. We tried counseling together for a while and we have since stopped that and been seperated for a while and just been going to our own counseling (I'm in NYC working and she is at home with her parents in KC on a leave of absence and I don't see her as ever returning to her job). She had a lot of issues after this to work through (drug addicition, self mutilation, paranioa, phycosis, ect...). Why somone would self destruct I don't know and in my opinion she doesn't know how to deal with emotions and is confused about who she is herself and even with all the therapy she has done on her own it doesn't seem to me like she has really changed (big red flag). I wasn't against couples counseling at all, but my wife seems to think that is all that can save our marriage. In my opinion it didn't work, because she continued to tell flat out lies in therapy and if she can't tell the truth there then when can she ever. Plus I already spent over $2.5K on couples therapy and I don't want to spend another $2.5K on it as it's just not worth it at this point as I saw little improvement after going and that is a lot of money for me. I would like her to try and work on things with me, but she says she can't without a therapist in the room, which really annoyes me as well as she won't even try. Once we have worked on things on our own and if we have irreconcible differences that would be the point at which I would like to go to therapy together again. It's also reached the point where she wants to return home and know I still want to be in the marriage and I do want to see her in my heart, but my mind tells me it's a mistake and I'm worried about hurting her at this point, (despite the pain she caused me to suffer) because she feels very vulerable (lost her job, shaved her head, turning 30 in a couple of months, ect...). I do realize at the same time that if I do leave her she has her family, her hair will grow back, and she will find another job. Also, she is very attractive and has a lot of good qualities to offer and will have no problem meeting someone again (I will have a harder time then her meeting somone just because she is so beatifull and guys tend to flock to her). She's even had one guy come up to her in a bar once and tell her that he didn't see why she was with me (of course he new nothing about me or us). Anyways it all comes down to one thing, which is my wife cnn't change her lieing ways and she can't open up and tell me the truth about what happened and that is what has me stuck with moving on with her as I don't see her as ever changing at this point. I just don't think she knows how or she doesn't want to change.

Its good that you know all of this about her that way you can make a choice to be with her or not. If you can still love her despite all of her flaws then thats true love. But Love is not all that is needed in a relationship and without the other key parts i.e. communication, trust, respect and honesty then you have nothing left other than your love. Your relationship will not survive without all the other pieces that are part of the puzzle. As far as her not having a hard time finding someone else, you to will find someone else. You have to heal from this and work on you for awhile but when the time is right you will find love again. There are 6 billion people in this world, 1 of them is waiting to meet a guy like you. I really hope that things work out for you guys but at this point, from what you have written, it doesnt sound like things are going to get any better. For right now work on you and only time will tell what the future holds for you. Good luck

I agree totally. If your ladies truly want to move forward, they have to be totally and utterly frank with you about everything.
It may be that they are scared that the whole truth may be too painful for you to deal with and that they are scared you may not want to keep trying.
As hard as it is, when you are the ones that are hurting, it may need you to be the 'big' person and tell them that not knowing the truth is actually worse than the truth itself - and that your imagination can give you a version of what has hppened WAY worse than actually did, and without knowing the facts you only have your imagination to fall back on.
If you love them, keep trying. Promise to listen, not judge and not shout. And then, decide where to go from there.
I wosh you all the luck in the world.