A few of my well respected friends say I should just forgive my wife for having an affair and let it go. Forget about getting her to answer my questions. She continues to lie to me about things that I have asked her. I don't really care about the details, but I do have questions that I think I deserve to know answers to. She claims to want to work it out, but doesn't want to do her part to give me what I need to move on. Anyone else dealing with this?

If she isnt willing to give you what you need to forgive then maybe you should rethink the marriage. She should want to give you everything that you need & she should kiss your feet for wanting to stay with her. She should be thankful that she has a man that loves her that way. On the other hand maybe she doesnt want to keep reliving her pain. I would tell her that inorder for you two to have a future you need to get this in the open & then it will be droped. By the way couples counseling is worth it, every dime!

My wife is the same exact way. She has never told me the truth about everything that happened and she does not answer my questions honestly. Always rediverts with statements like "what's important is us now and that you trust me, ect...". Her view is that if I want to make it work I have to drop it and my view is the opposite that if she wants to work things out she needs to answer my questions honestly and straightfoward without telling me what she thinks I want to hear. We have been stuck in this pattern since Oct and I'm about to give up on our marriage. I gave her about 20 oppurtunities to "come clean" and be honest with me, but she never does and gets mad whenever I ask a question. How she expects me to ever trust her again and to beleive her when she says she loves me, when she won't even answer my questions is beyond me. She just says she can't talk about it as it's to hurtfull and she's to ashamed and she's even told me things like I just want more information to tell to other people and that she can't trust me! Why I put up with it I don't know. I just want back my wife that I was the happiest man in the world with and very excited to start a family with and spend the rest of my life with. I often think about just leaving at this point as I still always feel like I want back whatever part of it is that she took away from me.

Both of you have been hurt deeply. Your wives need to let you guys ask the questions so that you can move on. I feel bad for both of you. I understand not wanting to relive the pain that they have caused themselves and you but these women need to be less selfish and understand that its not just there pain its yours to. They need to understand to rebuilt trust you have to give everything and live your life as an open book. They have to be willing to do whatever it is that you want them to do (within reason, no crazy damaging stuff) If your wives dont want to make this step for you guys then I hate to say it but they are not willing to make the sacrifies for you. Get out and move on, they did!

Yeah I agree with you more and more. I tried to have a conversation with my wife on the phone last night, where I told her that if she really wants to come back home I would like her to apologize to my parents who are obviously very concerned about me at this point and of course she gets angry at that as if I'm trying to "punish her". I just thought it would be nice if she could sincerly say to them "I'm sorry for hurting your son, I love him very much and will never hurt him again in this way again.". This way my parents could forgive them. I also brought up how she has never told me the truth about what happened still and I would like to know it to move foward and then she gets all crazy starts yelling that she doesn't have to tell me anything else and only is willing to talk about us and her, but that she can't talk about the affair as it hurts her too much. Of course she's at her parents house, who at this point here the conversation interviene and make her hang up. I'm sure that I will be getting a phone call from her father today telling me how I have to drop things if I want them to work out. I'm getting tired of this as she's been home since Oct with her parents and doesn't seemed to have changed a thing despite 4 sessions in therapy a week. Just confuses me.

Mark,

Personally if I was to ever make a mistake like that I would bend over backwards, sideways whatever way my husband wanted me to just to save my marriage. I would do anything to keep my husband as I love him with all of my heart. I dont understand why she isnt willing to take the steps forward to rebuild your relationship, you may want to rethink this marriage. I understand that you are going to couseling, are you doing this together? I feel for you and I can imagin how this is hurting you but if you are going to couseling together and you are talking to her about what you need from her and she still isnt willing to do it then maybe this is your time to be alone and focus on yourself. Dont let her drag you down, focus on making yourself happy because the only one that can do that is you. It sounds like there is little hope left for you to and you need to just move on. I am sorry to hear that things are not getting any better, just love yourself and time will heal the pain that you feel.