Hello Everyone - This is my first post. I have only been married for 6 months or so and I have already caught my wife cheating on me. I'm not sure if it was a physical relationship or just emotional, but I have caught her in a web of deception and lies. The method I used is very stealth and I would like your feedback if it is ok to do.

A little background - Through the time we were engaged (8 months) to very recently I noticed a lot of "warning signs" that my wife was having an affair. She told little lies, hid her phone, had the ringer off, deleted messages, lack of sex and the list goes on and on. These warning signs caused me to be suspicious.

One day I borrowed her phone and took a look at the text messages.....there was one from a man (had no idea that this person even existed) that was very flirtatious. The message was a few weeks old, so she obviously saved it so she could read it over and over again. I said nothing to her at that time. I then proceeded to check her phone bills and saw approximately 50 text messages per month to the same person.....most of them while I was out of town on business. I made copies of the bills, but still said nothing to her.

Now for the good part. Since their time between messages varied (he lives out of town so they probably can't see eachother much)I did a little something to catch her:

The first thing that I did was set up a separate account with a cell phone provider.....one of those small companies that can set up any old phone. I secured a new number from them and while she was in the bathroom, took his number out (she was stupid enough to leave his number in the phone under a girls name)and put my new number in. About 3 days later the texting began! I know that when she texts or receives texts the persons name that is in the address book comes up, not the number so I figured that she wouldn't catch on right away unless he texted her first. She initiated 3 flurries of messages on 3 different days. She sent very emotional messages to him asking what he thought of her and that she wants to have an affair with him! The entire time I was responding back with good answers.

The texting got to be very heated, she told this guy that her relationship with me is still awful and that I was a jealous and insecure person. Then she started talking very flirtatious again.

I figure that she will eventually catch on that she has not been texting him and was texting someone else. These 2 text quite frequently so eventually he will say "what are you talking about, I never said that".

There is much more to this story, but I'll save the part for where I confronted her for later. Total Cheaters Paradox!

Is what I am doing on the up and up?......I just don't want to get in trouble for inproper surveillence tactics, but I needed to know if my intuitions were correct - And they were.

I just posted elsewhere on the same topic. Bottom line, you are responsible for protecting your marriage. Don't accept the guilt that she will undoubtedly throw your way. She is the one who is cheating. Spying is your right and is justified in my opinion. Just make sure you don't abuse it and don't get caught. It sounds like getting caught may be inevitable. The question to ask yourself is this: Will she answer your questions regarding her affair honestly? Then spying is how you get your questions answered. Good luck.

I feel for you Jim. Here's a question: If you switched the boyfriend's number - so his name now matches your temporary phone number - what happens if he calls while you still have that set up? Will his name show up on her phone - or will her phone now just state his phone number because it doesn't correspond with a name anymore?

Jim,

First, kudos to you for taking matters into your own hands. Do NOT feel guilty for doing what you did. You didn't do any of this to be sneaky and malicious. You began to have your suspicions and you gave your situation some thought and went with your gut instincts. Your gut was telling you there was something going on and you took actions to find out the truth. It's not often, actually very rare, that someone will admit to an affair without solid proof. You put her into a situation that she cannot talk her way out of.

Personally I don't see anything good that could come of this relationship if you continue to stay with her. On the other hand, it's hard for me to say because I don't know either of you. But from my own personal experiences, I could never trust her again if I were you. She's said some hurtful awful things in the text messages you received. How can someone who truly loves you do the things she's done and say the things she's said behind your back?

You found the right message board to come to for advice. I hope that you remain strong and get the courage to confront her about her actions and show her the solid proof you have. You will need courage and I'm sure she will become extremely defensive and start blaming you for her actions. She is also certain to try and make you feel guilty for snooping on her. There are no excuses she can give you. If she was not happy in your relationship, she could have talked to you or one of about ten other healthier things. What she did was immature and disrepectful. I think what you did for yourself was the right thing to do. Please don't feel like what you did was inappropriate. You wouldn't have found out any other way. Think about what she has been doing...that is inappropriate.

If you are interested in reading my posts on how snooping saved me from staying in a relationship with my sociopathic ex-boyfriend, you can find it here.

I seriously commend you to trusting your gut instincts. You are intelligent and definitely deserve more respect from your wife. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but a lot of us undertand what you are going through. We are here to help!

Hello, Jim well done big man I have had to do much like this thing is and more but rather than closing I give away finds then she writes them off, thing is I have moved out and you know what relief I now remember I am a man and nott a mat.
Must go I will pick up again as I have much knowledge about who we really are living with.
I am in library and time is up.
I applaud your intuition and desire to know the truth do good always

That is definitly not inappropriate. You had that feeling in your gut that something was wrong and you did the right thing. I was in a similar situation (married for 2 months and found out my wife was involved in an affair starting a month before we got married). I found out by checking her email and seeing nude pictures of her taken by him. I wish I had done more research before confronting her, but I didn't (was just in too much shock at the pictures) and it took me months to find out the truth and I still don't know the whole truth. I can tell you this much though, she had 5000+ text messages between her lover and 400+ picture and video messages in just three months. I'll be interested in knowing what you do. I've tried to work through things with my wife, but we are now seperated and she wants to be back together and is in a very fragile state. I just don't know how someone could start an affair after 5 years together and at such an important time in your life. But, then again my wife has also since gone crazy (shaved her head, paranioa, lost job, moved into parents, ect), which I just found out last week may or may not be related to an addiction to adderal, which was another thing she hid from me, but it only started after she had the affair!