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I hope that I can help some of you by sharing my past pain and experiences. I'm married now 15 years and with my husband for 21 in total.
He had just broken off with a girlfriend of 6 months when we first met. His wife of 12 years left him and took their 3 year old adopted daughter. He was devastated.
Then he met me and I thought fell in love. I know I did and I fell very hard.
In our first months the ex-girlfriend chased him and tried to win him back. He and I hit if off and had a lot of fun and enjoyed each other a lot. He never seemed to have any money though and could never pay for anything.
After several months I didn't like the way he was treating me, and we had a fight. I broke it off with him, but the next day, I felt I made a mistake. But for him, he said no and he was gone.
For a year I was very sad he was gone and suffered immeasurably from the loss. I wrote him and begged him to come back, but he never once called.
Then, on one fateful Friday night, he happened to be in the same place as me and he asked to speak with me. He begged me to come back to him and I was so happy I quickly agreed.
I did ask if he had been involved with the old exgirlfriend during our separation, and he said no.
That Christmas, about 9 months later, he took me to his home in Alabama and his grandmother asked him if "I was the one he brought the last time?" Of course that was the exgirlfriend and that was during the year we were broken up.
He insisted his aging grandmother was confused as she had Alzheimers.
After many months of pushing, he finally admitted he had taken her, but that it was "just for the ride" because his car (the one I gave him as my old vehicle) couldn't make the trip. He insisted they had no intimate relationship ever since they broke up before he knew me.
In fact, he insisted he had no intimate relationship with anyone during our breakup.
The next few years were OK, but we fought over the lies. Also, we fought over his ex-wife and how she was treating him regarding visitation with his daughter. I was working in his favor insisting that he was entitled to better and fair treatment, but he let her take extreme advantage of him because he was afraid of her.
Then one day, I began to have a sense of "danger". I can't tell you why, I just did. I asked him if he had seen his exgirlfriend or heard from her, he insisted no, not since that Christmas when he took her to Alabama 3 years ago.
The sense I had was overwhelming. I really can't explain why. About at this time we began seeing a counselor to help us with the ex-wife issues. During our visits I confronted the issue about the lies regarding the exgirlfriend.
I told the counselor that I thought for some reason that he was in contact with the exgirlfriend, although I no reason to think so.
It occurred to me one day to find her phone number and call it. I don't know why. You won't believe what happened. Her tape said "Hi (by now live-in boyfriend's name). Call me after 5:00 this afternoon."
I confronted him with this and he said he didn't know why her tape would have his name (an unusual one so I knew it was about him).
We discussed this with the counselor and he still wouldn't admit what was going on.
One morning, early, around 5:30, he woke up and said he had to leave early for work. He didn't know it, but I had found out her address. So shortly after he left, I got in the car, drove to her apartment, and found his car parked right outside in front.
I banged on the door, but no one answered. I called the number from my home (this was before the days of cell phones) and left a message.
Shortly after I got home, I called the police and said I wanted them to come over, because I knew he would come back to my house and I wanted him to pack his things and leave.
They did and he did come shortly thereafter and got his things.
That night, he spent at the ex-girlfriends apartment (although he parked in an entirely different area of the apartment complex, so I wouldn't know he was there).
The next day we did talk and he insisted he was not having an affair. He said he needed someone to talk to about our problems and the problems with his ex-wife and the exgirlfriend was the right choice for him.
I decided to stay with him because I remembered the hurt of being without him that one year and I couldn't bear it again.
We got married about 6 months later.
During the next 15 years, he virtually refused to talk about what happened, and we never resolved it. I have suffered immeasurably as a result. Recently I've demanded we talk about it or I was leaving because anything is better than this emotional pain.
He has admitted that he went there about 6 times. In the a.m. because that way in didn't interfere with our time together. He says he always went to the back door of her apartment and always sat on the porch, never inside. He says he never stayed more than 10-15 minutes.
Oh, I forgot one thing, right after it happened, she left a card for him on the door of where he worked, which was his boss' house. It said "I'll miss our mornings together, you holding me in your arms."
Also, by the way, she got married 3 weeks before we did. I didn't find this out until about a month ago, (15 years later) through an Internet search I did.
That really freaked me out. Why was the timing the same??????
Well, here we are, we have a beautiful 11 year old son. I still love my husband beyond words. I always have. I treasure him and have never been unfaithful. In fact I've never been unfaithful to anyone.
All these years later, he has never been particularly unselfish. He is rather selfish and still never pays for anything. Most of what we have, I've worked for. We have a lot of fun, and enjoy each other's company a lot. We have a very healthy sex life. In general, you would say we have many positive aspects to our relationship.
But I am so hurt, so confused. I know he cheated, I'll just never know why, or what specifically happened. I also think that because he won't ever admit what he did, that I'm really at risk for him to do it again.
With an 11 year old son, I can't break it off. And don't know that I can live without my husband either way. Perhaps when my son is of age, we'll want to separate. It is very likely I will then.
We're 13 years apart, and his age is showing. He'll be 60 this year and doesn't have all the trappings he had then. But to me he is still adorable and the cutest guy on earth. So who knows what the future will bring.
So to all of you out there who wonder, should you stay with someone who has cheated.....
Wow, it's hard to say yes or no. I'm devastated still and I think had I broken it off then, I would have had a chance at a less stressful life financially. I also would have had a chance at a relationship that wasn't founded on lies and infidelity.
But, on the other hand, so many men cheat, and lie. Who knows, it could have gone quite the same way with someone else.
Here is my advice to you in finding the right person and the right life.
Choose a person that you have a great deal in common with.
Choose someone who wants the same things in life as you, for example children a home, close family, things, etc.
They should be generous and capable of earning a living.
They should be eager to take care of you and nurturing.
Choose someone whose family you like and who treats their mother very well.
He should have strong beliefs around fidelity and should not have evidenced lying, or other deceitful behaviors.
With these ingredients, you will likely have a long and very happy life together.
If you choose someone with less than these qualities, you can still love them hopelessly, like I love my husband. But you will always hurt, feel less than fulfilled, and suffer pain throughout your life as I do.
I hope this has been helpful to you. Best
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