I wan to give you a little back ground. I was married for 4 years and I have beautiful 2 yr old son. Shortly after my son was born unbeknownst to me my wife carried on a relationship with a man from work for 6 months. I found out when she got pregnant and had to tell me she didn't know who the father was. Long story short for my son and for the possibility this one was mine I stuck around. The child was not mine. I left nearly three months after he was born. I am now going through a divorce.

About 2 weeks after I left I began dating this wonderful girl I worked with. We have been together for ten months and living together for 7. we no longer work together. She works at a restaurant now and I in a new office. Her car broke down and I drive her to work or she takes my car everyday. She rarely goes out with out me and is with me just about all the time. I don't think she is cheating but she is a self proclaimed cheater but says she has never had the urge to do so with me. In fact she wants to get married and have kids and prior to our relationship had very prominantly declared that she wanted neither. We did have one incident where we were fighting and she had gone out with some friends from work she came home that night late and we discussed the issue to resolution. The next day she was still in bed because we had been up very late and I had laid in bed with her and my son to take a nap. Her cell phone was under my pillow and buzzing in my ear so I picked it up to shut it off and noticed it was a text msg from a guy she worked with apparently they had kissed that night at the party she was at. I confronted her about it she said she didn't want it. He was drunk and basically attacked her. I took her word for and I have been a little leary ever since. This was in february. Since as I said we are together constantly so no reason to really suspect her.

Her ex called her and said he wanted to hang out just as friends. She asked me about it and I told her she could go if she wanted but I expressed that I was not comfortable about it. I would never tell her what to do I want her to do what she wants and if we don't work out so be it as long as it is her choice you know. So she did not go out with him as to my knowledge and a few weeks ago she told me she told him not to call her anymore because I did not like it which I thought was great. Not that she was cutting him out because I didn't expect that but that she did it on her own to benefit me.

So now we finally get to the incident and the question. Last Wednesday he texted her "I know I said I would leave you alone but I have one question for you" at 10pm and she showed me the msg and made it clear she was not going to respond but she wondered what he had to ask. I told her not to worry he will persist with the question even if she doesn't respond. I have proven to her time and time again that I am not wrong when it comes to men and their actions she is rather oblivious as to when men are interested and are hitting on her and I have proven right on numerous occasions. So the next day I asked her if she heard from him and she said no but did it in a very dismissive way. Which is unlike her she likes to talk things to death. So the next day since we have a shared cell bill in my name I looked at the account and he hadn't texted her. She texted him. and they went back and forth for an hour. I didn't bring it we had gotten into a fight because the night before she wanted to get laid and I fell asleep. No biggie resolved in a day and I appologized and I again discussed the ex with her and how he bothered me and again asked her if she heard from him. She said no. So I thought just because we got over a fight she didn't want to get back into it. That was thursday night. I waited until saturday and we were talking and I asked her again she still said no and I said that It was just me being paranopid and crazy and I told her that I even expected her of lying about talking to him. She went on this long heart felt speach about how she would never hide anything from me that we were best friends and soulmates and she wouldn't want to screw this up and I let it go at that.

My question is how do I tell her I know she is lying with out divulging I invaded her privacy. Should I suspect her of cheating with this guy she has told me if we didn't work out she would probably marry him. What should I do to confront her but keep the focus on her. She always has a way of turning things around on me?

Hi, Dan.

You said yourself that she was lying. Basically, by most people's definition of cheating, she is already doing it, even if she hasn't been physical with her ex, although she probably has.

So the bigger question is; why do you want to be with her? What is so special about her that you would want to keep a self proclaimed cheater? Do you think you are going to reform her?

Dump and run, no drama, no warning, just tell her it's over when she walks in and discovers you packing your bags. There are lots of fish in the sea, and you will never be able to trust this one.

old_player

when someones is a cheater or a liar and usually both. they ALWAYS find a way to turn things around on you. THAT IS THERE WAY OF RIDDING themselves of their own guilt. If they get you onthe defensive defending yourself then you stop throwing the spot light on them which is what they are doing by turning things on you. If the fight focusses on the way she views your handling things you will be defending your actions instead of discussing hers. And WHAT does it matter how you got the information. Its a cell phone for gods sake. Its not her wallet its not her diary. You have a joint account and Every right to know as a committed couple who she speaks to and text messages. I went thru my husbands phone and that is how i found out the things i did. Oh he ranted and raved about locking his phone and blah blah I said well if your gonna lock your phone then you must be cheating and lying to meabout things. So you are guilty of what your accused then. Screw worry over how you know. Realize the fact that You know is Your a step ahead of her and can decide what you want to do. Explain there is nothing you cant work thru tell her you only want her to feel she can be completely honest with you and ask her the question again. and if she lies. then you know she has no respect for you or herself and you dont want to start a committment or a family with someone who will start a life based on nothing but lies.

This exact thing happened to me. I suspected her of lying about things and went out of my way to find the truth by getting her cell phone and texting her password to it while she was in the shower. I knew for three weeks, she also gave me the whole heart felt speech. I asked her off and on for those three weeks until I had taken enough, at some point you need to stick up for yourself in a relationship. I confronted her with the truth and she persisted in lying to me even after I told her I knew. Finally I showed her her own cell phone bill on the internet and she admitted. I stayed with her for another month but never believed another word that came out of her mouth. See how long she will lie to you, then tell her you know, if she has the least bit of respect for you and wants your relationship to be as she said than she will come clean. It's up to you from there, but if she lies leave and don not look back.

everyone lies, in every relationship there is lies. there is two questions that you need to ask yourself:
#1 is your daily life better because she is in your life?
#2 would she bail you out of jail no matter what you did to get there?

if your answer is yes to both of these than all you can do is wow her on a daily basis so she has no reason to look else where to fulfill her needs. also confidence is sexy and if you keep accusing her of cheating, she will be cheating. if you are confident in yourself and you make her feel special everyday there will be no reason for her to stray.

i've had a similar issue to this bf talking to ex's. my bf is basically they type of person that has to be there for his ex girlfriends.
he'll talk to them and leave me in the dark about it. i dont mind if he talks to them, but i do mind if he leaves me in the dark about it. especially if she posts messages on his myspace, telling him how much she loves him, and to come see her, and messages like, whatever happens ill always be there for you, or i love you messages. come on people, this is beyond disrespectful on her half, you dont talk to an ex like that, especially if there is another girl on the picture.
oh yeah, my bf, fought with me about this, when i tried to tell him how i feel.
another ex of his, he supported her, or had to support her when she had to go get ther tattoo. but you know what's ironic, he wont let me go with him to the tatoo place, so i can support him, but he had to be there for her.