So my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me the other day because I lied to her. When we started dating I would dip (tobacco). Last year I survived 2 different cancers not tobacco related and she was at my side through it all. I promised her last year that I would not dip anymore and I held my promise for about 8 months. Then i started dipping again occassionally. I hid it from her until someone told her that I was dipping again. I completely understand where she come from by not wanting to date a liar. Our relationship was great too. I want to get her back to prove to her that she can trust me this time. I can quit dipping since I don't do it that much. I just don't want to smother her and push her away but I don't want to give too much space acting like I don't care. what should I do?

Richardson, I think probably the best way to regain her trust in you would be to be just a little bit more honest than you are. You're probably thinking...well, I have been honest and I told her I am not going to dip anymore, therefore I am not going to lie to you. I don't think it translates the same for her. What I mean is, just because you say you aren't going to chew tabacco and then you really don't chew tobacco, that doesn't mean to her that you can be trusted. It might mean you won't do the chewing thing anymore, okay, but it still doesn't mean you won't lie about something else. There's more...

See, maybe she's thinking the same way. She might be thinking...hmmm, he won't chew tobacco anymore, but he just might lie about something else. When you come down to it Richardson, it isn't about the tobacco at all.

It's about being honest with yourself and THEN to her. If I could just offer you this to chew on (sorry for the pun). How about if you were to say to yourself (and then to her) - Richardson my friend, you WANTED to quit chewing tobacco because you know, you fool you, that you already had a brush with cancer, so how damn stupid can you be to be chewing tobacco, taking that risk again? How could you do this, knowing what you put your girlfriend through the other two cancer scares. Why would you want to put her through that again.

Then, admit to yourself that you are not so tough to be able to NOT chew that tobacco. It's okay to NOT be that strong. It's okay to be weak. It's okay. We are human, we make mistakes, we slip up. Sometimes we can't keep the promises we make to ourselves no matter how much we mean to keep them. (Trust me, I've been dipping into the Dark Chocolate Bar in my pantry, even though I swear I am on a diet.) But be honest about who you are, not only to her, but more importantly to yourself. When we can admit our weaknesses, our faults, our battles within, we begin to regain trust from others because that tells other people we are NOT going to pretend we are something that we are not. It tells other people - hey, I'm human, I'm not perfect, but I am REAL. That, Richardson, is how you regain trust from a person you have lied to.

Admit to her that you lied to her because you were in denial within yourself...that you are NOT able to make promises to her (about the tobacco) that you can't fully commit to yourself, just because that's what she wants to hear. She may not like that thought, but ya know what? It will be honest. She either wants honesty or control. Can't have both. M

thanks, I've already admitted to her that I'm an idiot and apologized for ruining everything and hurting her. I know it isn't about the dip, its that how easy it was for me to lie. There's not a doubt in my mind that I can't stop dipping. I hardly do it anyway. I don't do anything else that would cause her not to trust me. What should I do from here? I want to give it a little time so that she can start to miss me (easier said than done) rather than kiss her butt because I screwed up. Then she will get annoyed with me. I'm not a bad guy, I just screwed up.

If she broke up with you because she said she doesn't trust you because of this dipping slip up, then it's either one of two things.

Either you have given her reason to not trust by other things you may have said or done...OR...the lie, the slip up, the screw up, whatever you want to call it, to her is just another thing that she's not happy about. It it's true what you say, that this all occured because of a little slip up, then there's more to the story somewhere. M

I told her last year that I wasn't going to dip anymore. This was a big thing to her since I had cancers. Then I did, so that caused the break up. It was the dipping (because of my health) but it was the lie that ended it. She even told me mom that I was dipping. I'm 26! So now family and my gf are disappointed in my decision making. I'm not mad though, it will end up helping me in the long run with my health but I just want to put this behind us and move forward.

Sorry Richardson, I'm not buying that the lie about the dipping caused the break up and that was the only reason. If in fact that is the ONLY reason she has given you as to why she's gone bye bye in the relationshp, then she probably isn't telling you the whole story for her ending it. A lie about dipping isn't a justified reason enough to up and end a relationship if you've made ammends and have been honest with her and up front about your feelings. I'll bet if you got into a discussion with her about this exact thing she will get defensive, not accept what you have to say and eventually, if pressed, more will come out that she isn't too happy about. That's my take, because if it doesn't make sense, then it just DOESN'T make sense. M