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[b]Anon wrote:[/b]
[quote]I would really like to get all of your thoughts on the following information. It’s long but please stick with me as I find it quite strange.

My wife, to my knowledge, has never cheated on me sexually, although she did admit, without warning, to kissing one of her girlfriend’s male friends at a night out. This happened about four years ago when my wife, who was at that point, my fiancée and I were not in a good place. I think this happened because I had formed an emotional attachment with a work colleague. Although I never had sexual contact with this female, I did kiss her. I was weak, I was foolish and I was profoundly sorry. I thought what my wife then did was simple tit-for-tat, so we let it go, we resolved our issues and got married.

The problem is that, since that time, I have caught my wife telling me lies on a number of occasions. She knows that this damages me psychologically yet she still does it. When she is caught, she uses me as the reason for the lie – “You seemed stressed by work and I wanted to protect you”, “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you would believe me” (!?!), etc. On one occasion, she even swore on her mother and brother’s lives that she was telling me the truth when I knew for a fact that she was lying.

When I know that she’s lying, I give her numerous opportunities to come clean before I confront her with what I know. She will only tell me the truth when she knows she’s cornered. When I then ask her questions about why she has lied and what really happened, she thinks for inordinate amounts of time before responding.

Last week she took me to a coffee shop because she told me there was something she wanted to discuss with me. Once there, she told me that she had had to tackle a female work colleague who had made and insinuation about my wife and a male work colleague. This is what she told me:

Last Wednesday, my wife’s male work colleague, with whom she has “a good working relationship”, told her that a female in the office had made an insinuation at a work night out four weeks ago. The insinuation was that if something was not happening between my wife and that male colleague already it soon would be. Apparently the male colleague hummed and hawed about telling my wife this, and only finally discussed it after four weeks because my wife mentioned that he seemed quiet and distracted. As soon as told my wife, she then tackled the female colleague in an angry way, telling her that she was “questioning the integrity of two peoples’ marriage”. She pointed out also that her male colleague had just become a dad and these rumours could be damages. It turned out though that the female colleague already knew this conversation was going to take place because the male colleague tipped her off. Why would he do that if her comment had caused him so much concern?

I could not understand why I was being told this and it certainly didn’t ring true. I got her to tell me the story again four days later and it was exactly the same. I still felt I was being misled. So I bluffed it and told her I didn’t believe her. After much humming and hawing, she finally admitted that the male colleague had actually told my wife about the comment more or less as soon as it happened, and had not in fact waited four weeks.

I asked my wife why she felt the need to lie to me about this one fact? As usual, she deflected the responsibility for this to me, saying that she felt I had been under some considerable stress at work and did not want to worry me. I asked her why she felt it pertinent to then tell me four weeks later, when I was under no more or no less stress than I was before. Again, after much silence, followed by humming and hawing, she told me that she didn’t want me finding out this had been said. When I pointed out that we work for two different organisations, she said that they were near each other and that everybody knows somebody. I asked her why it was important that to her that I know. She said that if I found out from someone else, which is ridiculously unlikely, that this insinuation had been made, I may not believe her point of view, or form a belief myself that something untoward was happening.

I then asked my wife if she had had any contact with this man outside of work. She said no. She then eventually told me that they had contact in relation to work tasks they were involved with. Then, following further denials, she eventually told me that they contact via text outside work about the comments that had been made but that there was definitely nothing else. I asked her what had happened or been done that someone in her work place felt that something might be happening. My wife denied any knowledge of anything she could have done to instigate the comment.

I know the lie seems very small for me to get hot about but it’s just such a strange lie, so utterly bizarre, that it intrigues me – especially given my wife’s history for bizarre lies. In their entirety, she makes me feel like a stupid idiot with her lies and she is undermining my trust in her and our relationship. Sometime I look into her eyes and feel profoundly apprehensive because I just don’t know exactly what I am looking at.

Finally, and this is eating away at me, if my wife is prepared to lie about something as bizarre is this, and it takes me this amount of effort to establish the lie in the first place, what else is she telling me that’s not true?

What do all of you think?

Other stuff you need to know:

1) We have been together for fourteen years, although married only for one.
2) I have felt for a while that something is not right.
3) She has two mobiles – one for personal use and one for work use, the latter of which I only found out about because I happened to notice it in her bag.
4) Although I have felt that all is not right, I have come home early on a number of occasions and returned unexpectedly from business trips and never found anything untoward.
5) There have been occasions where she has answered the house ‘phone sounding breathless, but puts this down to having to run to get the ‘phone.
6) I am almost always able to contact her on her private mobile.
7) Weirdly, I sometimes smell a smell in my home that I just do not recognise. Not aftershave, or perfume, or deodorant – just something ‘different’.
8) She has recently started to take on some overtime, although does some of this at home (while I am at work).
9) We are childhood sweat-hearts and have never had other sexual relationships (not to my knowledge).

Thank you![/quote]

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