Truth About Deception

I never meant to but started seeing my driving instructor, he pursued me relentlessly and said it was my fault too but I don't see how it was because he kept saying I was playing hard to get so I don't know how that's the same as pursuing him. I'm so upset because he keeps saying he can't see me and then contacting me or not ignoring when I contact him. I'm falling apart because I can't tell anyone because we're both in relationships and I don't even know how this happened because I thought I was happy and I've never done this before and the guilt and heartache and anger are actually making me have a breakdown. I'm so afraid I'm gonna do something stupid like tell his wife, when I'm upset, but I don't and never did want to hurt anyone. I've lost control

I'm a young Asian woman that has been married for two years. I don't have feelings or love my husband as it is a arranged marriage. I got married to please my dear grandfather. Now I regret it. Lately for the past three months I've had a crush on a co-worker, who the past couple of weeks has returned that interest even though he knows I'm married. The guy makes me smile, I can have a laugh generally be relaxed around him but he also creates excitement through my body when he's around me. Lately we've gone further after my full on admission that I really wanted him and it's just been oral, though he hasn't gone further due to him doubting if it is the right or wrong thing to do due to me being married. I want it to go further! He's so physically satisfying that I can't help but want him. Another thing my husband is hundreds of miles away while I'm studying in the UK. I don't feel guilty.

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for almost a year and a half. During this past summer we were not together for about 2 months. During our break I started to see someone else and we were only intimate one time while we were seeing each other. Towards the end of seeing the new guy I was reconnecting with my boyfriend. I lied to by boyfriend and told him that I had not moved on and I had not been with anyone at any time during our separation. There was a point that I was telling my boyfriend that there was no one else besides him that I could ever be with at the same time that I was with the new guy. On the 4th of July when my boyfriend was being clear that he wanted to be together again and I was telling him that I felt the same way I was got intimate with the new guy. At this point I did not want to be with the new guy anymore but I am really bad at telling people things when I know they will be hurt by it. Within the week after the 4th the new guy and I broke things off and I have never been so committed to my boyfriend. Our relationship is better than it has ever been and we both want to commit to each other for life. I told my boyfriend that I was seeing the new guy and was intimate with him once, but it wasn't until months after my boyfriend and I were back together and I didn't tell him the whole truth the first time. First I told him that I had just kissed a random guy when I was drunk, he was so upset that he broke up with me but by the next day we were back together. Then the next day I told him who the guy was and he got really upset and broke up with me again for less than 24 hours. Finally a month later I told by boyfriend that I had been seeing the guy and that we had been intimate once. Again he was so upset that he broke up with me for a day. He wasn't so much upset with the fact that I was with another guy just that I lied about it. But my conscience is still not clean. When he was upset he yelled and was so upset with me that I became defensive. Instead of being completely honest I told him that as soon and we started talking again I broke things off with the new guy. He doesn't know that I was with both of them at the same time. I do not believe this is cheating, when my boyfriend and I started talking again it wasn't set in stone that we were going to be getting back together. My boyfriend wasn't sure if he could deal with our relationship again and I was still skeptical about whether or not I wanted him back.

Hannah, I think I love you. Every time I see you, I become that frightened little 10th grader who you got to come out of his shell. You and I never really had a chance, I suppose. You had a lot of shit going on, and I was a clingy little loser. Yeah, I didn't have to do too much during Drama today when you had me be a clingy mama's boy in The Dating Game. And no matter what I think about, for the past few months, I just can't get you out of my head, you or what happened that January day. You were the first girl who really broke my heart, you know. The first and so far only girl I've ever cried over. And I just couldn't help but think "maybe if I had done something different, if I had been there for you, all this wouldn't have happened, you would have been all right and not have had to go to the hospital. If I hadn't been at the sound effect table, or if I had realized what happened... no, I did realize what happened. I knew you fell. I should have known you fainted, though. I don't know why I didn't react. I wish I could have been there to catch you, or help you up, or just... hell. Hell, I just want to know that you're okay. I see you and you look so sad. Then you look happy, and that makes me happy. But when I talk to you, your smile seems to fade a bit. You seem to... you seem to not want to be around me. I feel like I'm a cockroach when that happens, like I'm a dogturd or that sticky stuff that forms around your mouth when you get thirsty. I miss the days where we sat on the bench, my arm around your shoulder and we just talked about stuff, or you took a nap. I miss you. I miss you, my friend, the girl who I could talk to about music I had never heard of, or Zelda, or freaky geometry. Klein bottles. I mean, that one you brought in was cool. Technically no volume! And you were the Inspector, and I was the private detective, and at the bows, I grabbed your hand and squeezed it, and you squeezed back. And I gave you that note in your notebook, and you said thank you. It was true, you did look beautiful that night, even with that sack dress. You made that dress look good. And you kicked my ass at gin rummy, which I still never win at, and it's still one of my favorite games. I can go back through all the good times we had, Hannah. And on one hand, it's a blessing; I can relive those moments and appreciate them like I never could at the moment, but I hate it, at the same time. I see you, have these memories, these shades to taunt me. "Look at what will never happen again, Tom!" And I know it's true. You like other, less awkward, more likable dudes. It'd be unreasonable of me to think otherwise. I still hate when I see you and feel the regret wash over me, though. Happiest moment of 10th grade? Halloween dance. You were a fairy in blue denim. I was Arthur Dent (it was a bathrobe, laziest costume ever). We were dancing and dancing and dancing and I told you the truth, that I had never met a girl like you. And you kissed me. Not too much, it was on the neck, and it was quick. But it was the first time I had ever been kissed at all, really. I was the happiest man in the world. I excused myself and ran up and down the connector shouting for joy. I miss that. That unbridled feeling of joy. Maybe I could feel it if I could... just... show you what I have. Within me.

When I was back in high school my best friend stole my Gf and because me and him used to mast together I knew he was BIG.

But that was just the start. For some reason other guys have been hitting on my girlfriends for years. How do I know? Some gf tells me, sometimes I see or hear them flirting. One time I had this buddy who was working on a college project with her - he and I got REALLY drunk then, for no particular reason, he comes right out and says "Is it ok if I fck M's azz?"

Go forward a few years and now tell girlfriends how hot it would be if they did it with another guy. Most times she accuses me of making up an excuse TO CHEAT ON HER but after I keep asking, often she goes for it. Sometimes I've even told other guys to flirt with her and I've hid in the shadows to see what happened. (and I've seen, heard lots. It's always fun to see her minutes after she's just done it with a guy that I set up because she doesn't know THAT I KNOW - she acts sooo normal).  I am just so used to girlfriends doing it with other guys that it's almost acceptable.

After almost 2 years I am still not over my relationship. I am still hanging out with my ex, basically an open relationship with no title and no future. I felt like if I could let things go on my own terms and work him out of my life slowly everything would work out fine. The problem is he still acts the same, lies and all. I'm slowly realizing that I was only hurting myself by entering into this and I feel like I'm stuck in a hole that is much too deep for me to climb out of. Even though I know when things do change for the better it is only temporary, I still can't seem to let go. I feel completely pathetic and I wish i could find my old strength and move on for good.

My friend J talks to me about racism and things on his mind, but he so often tells me afterward that I'd "better not tell anyone about this" and stuff like "Don't tell anyone I'm this and this, I'm in jail....if you do, I will know"

This is hurtful to me and to my heart because I don't have a strong sense of wanting or needing to keep things from people. I am at a time in my life where I want things to flow, my thoughts feelings and ideas to flow, to live in the spontaneity of the moment and to trust and love everything and everyone.

When he tells me things like that I feel pent up and depressed, as if I have this pain on my chest I cannot get off.

It is not my pain - it is his, so why do I feel this way?

Because I am being asked to be as paranoid as he is, for him.

What can I do? I just want to tell people and talk to people honestly and with love, and trust my human family.

I've been with my boyfriend about five years. He doesn't turn me on. I hate that he's 44yrs old and can hardly read and doesn't seem to care. I am not in love with him. I wish I could get up the courage to leave him. I've cheated on him for a year or so and everything I did with the other guy felt so right, and so good. I don't kiss or hug my boyfriend. He's immature and doesn't take initiative. He hangs out with people younger than himself and pretty much all his close friends are losers. I am not happy in this mundane relationship.

I have been thinking about cheating lately. Found out my husband was having an affair on facebook. He said it was only a game and they never met, but the messages I saw will be forever ingrained in my mind.  A friend who knows my husband but doesn't know about his emotional affair started texting me good morning every once in a while.  It has gradually escalated into around 50 texts a day.  Some of them are becoming inappropriate.  He is married as well. I try to tell myself we are just having fun but I'm beginning to depend on his texts as the highlight of my day.  I think my feelings are becoming too involved.  I miss him and think about him constantly.  I feel guilty because of his wife but I think it is more like revenge for my husband.  One thing I know for sure is I will never trust my husband again--even if my marriage survives.  He fell far off a pedestal.