Truth About Deception

In an ugly moment of insecurity and desperation I lied to my boyfriend about being pregnant, and then later lied about have a miscarriage. Every day, I am racked with guilt over this ugly lie. I keep thinking what happened to me? What happened to the good person I thought I was? I want to be better, and I never want to do anything like this again.

For about a month I shared fantasies with a woman online. It was innocent, until my wife went out of town. This woman invited me for drinks with her husband. I knew she was married, but she did not know I was.

We had a fun time, and then talked some more about fantasies. It got hot, and I broke down and made out with her.

I am crushed that I could not see this coming. I cannot tell my wife. The guilt is bad for me, but when you are married to a Bi-polar woman (not manic) you think about how you will hurt them more, and how it will make things worse.

How could I fall for this mistake?

I love this boy and this boy did not even know I existed. I wanted to change that so I saw him at a party. He asked me if i wanted to do something illegal with him. I was so gone, and wanted him to like me so I did it. we were high as kites when he told me he was going to ask this girl he really likes out. I asked who and he said I would not know her because she was ten times hotter than I was and she had "experience". I didn't know how to react. I was speechless. I had really wanted him to like me and I degraded my morals to try and get with him. I realized as I woke up with the worst headache ever the next morning that I was so dumb. He wasn't worth the tears, headache or loss of my morals. But he got his because he ended up getting herpes from the "really hot girl" with "experience."

i had sex with my ex girlfriend two weeks ago and it was amazing.

I did a horrible thing and I am deeply ashamed of it.

I just want to say first of all that I never set out to do this, it was a 'one thing leads to another' situation. I'm not trying to make excuses... what I have done was still wrong and it haunts me but it was not premeditated. It was part of a crazy situation that got out of control one year ago.

So, here is what happened:

I went to a friend's birthday a year ago. She - unlike me - is quite into drugs and she happened to have one pill in her bedroom. I won't say what but it is a drug which is highly disinhibiting and makes it impossible to stop talking as well as (for me) making me feel very sexually charged.

Anyway, she suggested I try it. She wasn't trying to be a bad friend, she just enjoys the experimenting I guess and thought I might. I'm usually quite cautious but, having not been out for a while I had the urge to have a fun and crazy night and see what was so good about this. Before I'd even thought it through I had taken the pill just to be 'blase' in front of her.

What followed was the most bizarre night of my life and is something I still feel terrible about. In the course of the night: - when it first kicked in I thought I was dying. Everything felt unreal and faraway and I had cracks in my vision like crazy paving. I was very frightened. - the next stage, which lasted several hours was basically me being as high as a kite.

I gabbled ON and ON, speaking very fast. I was sexually inappropriate with some guys in the group I did not know well and ended up having sex with one (I am not usually promiscuous). I insulted one of my best friends in front of the group saying that 'she always wore low-cut tops because she didn't believe her face was pretty enough'. I'm HORRIFIED that I could have said something like that, in my defense it was impossible to restrain myself at the time; unsurprisingly our friendship has cooled somewhat since. Worst of all, I started sharing some of my weirdest thoughts and I must admit, I have a slightly warped and complicated mind. I told everyone very dark stuff about my family history, made up that I had been raped at one point, and quite a few other details some of which were true, some exaggerated, but basically I made myself sound like a completely messed up victim OR a huge liar. Obviously this was under the influence but I don't like what that says about me at all.

I still feel so humiliated and regretful about this one night; for about a week afterwards I genuinely wanted to kill myself, I felt as if there was no coming back from this ultimate in social ****-ups, having always been shy and found it difficult to fit into a friendship group, I was hoping to have put that behind me but instead I made myself 'that girl'. I pictured people I used to know talking about my behavior that night and thinking how pathetic I was.

I suppose with time I am getting over it more. Things naturally fade into the background and I try to be optimistic about finding new friends and making my way in life, etc. Deep down though I am really traumatized.

But that is is part 1 of the story, part 2 is where it gets yet more complicated (THANK YOU if you have even read this far!!).

At the time, there was a guy I really liked at work and he was very easy to talk to. The kind of person who doesn't say very much but just listens without judgement and who you feel would keep your secrets. I was suffering a deep depression over what I had done and I ended up telling him about that night. I tried to get across how bad it had been by referring to the way I told people EVERYTHING about myself. To stress my point I said that I talked about 'tabboo' things. After this point we talked in code almost because I was embarrassed, but at the same time wanted to share it. I wanted him to somehow make me feel better about what had happened. What I essentially ended up telling him....

Was that my father had sexually abused me.

It came out bit by bit, but that was what I told him.

There are two problems with this: 1) it's not true. So, I have told a truly evil lie about someone who is close to me. In my defense my dad had behaved very badly when I was a teenager - he had an anger problem and could be very scary and verbally abusive. He called me a tart and other things when he found that at seventeen I had lost my virginity. He was also sexually... insensitive, I guess. The most I could say is that he wasn't as respectful of my privacy as he could have been, barging into my room a few times in a way that felt invasive and uncomfortable. He once asked to see some bras that I had bought and had in a bag and said they were nice, and while driving me to school he used to squeeze my thigh while I was wearing my skirt and tights. But that was the extent of it and looking back I can't call that sexual abuse, more a lack of boundaries and awareness. I made out that it was a lot worse than that and I feel truly sorry, especially as my dad's behavior is so much better now.

2) this guy is now my boyfriend. It's serious and I am very much in love with him but i can NEVER, NEVER tell him that I lied. The relationship would be over and I couldn't bear that, not to mention that I wouldn't have the strength to tell him. So now I just have to hope that my boyfriend keeps his promise to never tell a soul and just gets along with my family in a 'surface' way without making a big deal about what I have told him. We're thinking of moving in together, thinking of having children one day, but I live with the shadow of fear over all those hopes. What if having kids opened a can of worms with him refusing to let my dad have a relationship with them, leading to an exposure of what I told him? What if one day he gets drunk and says more than he should? What if he decides that, despite his promise, he has a duty to say something? What if he goes behind my back? At that point, my life would basically be over - he would hate me and so would my family. I don't want to lose this man but I am so guilty and afraid.

Why did I do it? i don't know. I never meant to tell that lie but once it came out of my mouth it took on a life of its own.

I'm so very sorry....

I have been in a long term relationship with a man I love and who adores me. I was at a party, drank too much, and allowed another guy to kiss me. It lasted seconds and I stopped it and left. I feel overwhelmed with guilt and I'm sick about it. It is not an option to tell him because I know he will leave me. This was the most selfish thing I've ever done and I can't forgive myself. I'm so scared.

I love my boyfriend very much.... but have a sorted past with another. Went out for drinks last night with the old flame, knowing full well I couldn't resist him. I am lonely, my love has been hundreds of miles away for a job and will not return for months. I did not have sex with my old lover, not even a kiss. But we did hug, snuggle, talk.... dirty at times, alone in his hotel room. Very hard to refuse him, but I'm repulsed at how far it went and the fact that I wanted him so badly. I've been completely honest with my partner, but this little incident will go in the vault. Also, I will not allow myself in a situation with this old flame again. The fire is too hot and somebody always gets burned.

I don't want to lose respect from anyone, and I'm very embarrassed that I was drunk and made out with another man. Although I stopped him from going any further, being drunk is no excuse. Its worse that I know him and he is in a relationship, as am I.  I feel very guilty for what I've done.  Mostly because it would hurt others deeply if they knew.

I didn't show up for work 3 weeks ago, and have lost my job, but still tell my parents and boyfriend that I am working! I feel so ashamed of myself, but more than that, it is really starting to depress me. My family knows something is wrong, but still I say, "Oops, gotta go to work today, see ya later!" And I go work out at the club, (exercise) or drive around like a moron. Really, I am not sure what is worse, my confession and how it will affect me by tearing down the walls of deceit I've built around myself, leaving me exposed and vulnerable, or the judgment I'll get from others. My fear is that everyone will think what I did was dumb, (it was) and judge me on it, putting me down and making me feel worse. Well, I hate this, and I am going to fess up today! (God willing) It does feel so much better, all around to be honest. Cause right now I feel like a pile of crap and with such a negative self-image as what I already have, it is myself that is making it worse! On the bright side, when I do tell the truth, there is the open door to something new, and different. I am keeping myself stuck in this rut, in a cycle of do nothing/go nowhere, because all my doors are shut, locked, hidden away. Wow, I do feel better, thanks Website-now please let me submit this without the rigamarole of having to type codes, my email, register, blah blah.