Truth About Deception

I was 15 when I started dating my boyfriend and he was 21. He was okay in the beginning, we loved each other so much and after a couple of months he started to get really jealous for small things and it started getting worse each time. He eventually hit me and started being very violent towards me... this lasted for 4 years. When I turned 19 I almost got killed by him for renting a car.. he was actually looking for his gun which his dad had hidden in a different place.. I found myself shaking and saying to myself.. "wow I'm 19 and I shake like this every single day". I left him right after that.. but I actually left the country and didn't go back for 2 years because he would try to kill me if i went back.. he would say things like "you can't live in the same country as me, I can't see you and know you're not mine because I'll go crazy and do something to you so don't ever come back". I stayed in a different country for 2 years and when I came back he started beating me wherever he would see me in public places.. the police wouldn't do anything about it in my country so I had to put up with it.. I kept going out even though i knew what would happen if i saw him at a bar or at a club, but I didn't want him to know that I was afraid of him.. and eventually it stopped.. but it started again when he found out that I started dating someone he would always get into fights with him and eventually I had to break up with him too. Now I have a boyfriend for almost a year and everything is going good so far. I've put up with so much in my life, and it has made me so much stronger, I really feel sorry for the women that put up with things like these, it will NEVER stop!!! Once they start hitting you and you forgive them.. that's it, it will continue.

In childhood when I was just 8 I used to play sex with my boy cousin.

Thereafter when that relationship was gone I started abusing my 5 year female cousin, I was about 11, I abused her for six years.

When we changed our home and I did not find sex partner I started abusing my younger sister. Feeling of guilt chased me for years but I could not stop. I abused my sister because I could not find girlfriends. Everyone cheated me, I could not find true love ever.

I stopped abusing my sister now and I am doing phone sex with a girl whom I have never met and who says she loves me but I know she cheats me and is having sex relationship with other guys.

Now when I have become impotent, I am afraid I would never find a healthy relationship.

I am 23 years old, currently married and have a great job. From the outside my life seems happy go lucky, but on the inside I feel completely broken and rotten. When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my "uncle" (more like my father's good friend) molested me. I used to wonder what was wrong with me and why I was so curious with people's private parts. I felt truly disgusted with myself, but couldn't help it. I know my uncle molested me more than once. I recall a time when he called me into the room to take a nap with him and so I laid beside him. I remember him putting his hands in my pants and feeling between my legs and telling me to put my hands down his pants. He told me never to tell anyone because then my parents would just get mad and spank me, so I never did. I think it was when I turned 7 or 8 I must have been doing something really sexual that my mom found out about because she pulled me in the room and asked me if anyone ever touched me and I broke down and told her. Apparently nothing happened because my uncle was still able to come over to our house and eat and be merry with our family. None of my family members know this. I think this has caused me to be truly sexual now. I think of sex all the time; however, I get really upset when I see or hear about children getting molested on the t.v or radio or anywhere. I wish I wasn't so sexually active and sexually compulsive. Since I've been married I've cheated on my husband more than 10 times and I've slept with those men on more than one occasion. I'm currently in an affair right now. Even though I feel really bad and guilty for doing this I think the reason I do this is because I want to use those guys the way my uncle used me. I know this behavior is self-destructive, but I can't seem to help this downward spiral I'm spinning myself into. I don't think I want help. It's unreal this double life I live and all the secrets I've kept for so long.

I was molested by my younger brothers best friend. My brother was in the room also, and he didn't even try to stop him. I am too afraid to tell anyone because I think it's my fault that I didn't stop him. Another reason I am afraid to tell others is that I had a boyfriend at the time, who I am still currently with. I feel they will all blame me for it and my boyfriend will leave me. But I haven't been able to get it out of my head for months.

I was molested by my grandfather. My first orgasm was him performing oral sex on me at 4 yrs old. I always new what sex was when the other kids didn't. I was confused for sure. At 11 I made out with my cousin, who is also a female, like me. I think she was abused in her past too because she knew what sex was too. But I never asked. We don't talk in our adult years, I don't think either of us know what to say. I still like females but date males. I am a mom. I am very protective of my kids. People scare me. I wish I had a normal childhood.

I believe I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have never had any problems with previous boyfriends, and the only possible physical abuse I've encountered in my life was when a was almost raped by my second cousin - we were interrupted - at 9 or 10 years old (he was 15). My family never dealt with the matter. I was just not allowed to see him for several years. When it comes to relationships, I have always followed my brain over my heart - I always made friends with the individual before I dated them and have always been true to my feelings. I have never left my family out of the loop of my relationships either (By that, I mean lie to them about my relationships). Then I met my current boyfriend. There is a 12-13 year age gap between us, but I was just swept off my feet. For once I let my heart lead, and now I regret it heavily. He has dates many many times in comparison to me, and nearly all the women he has dated have 'wronged' him, either my cheating or going out doing drugs behind his back, etc. This has caused him to be a very insecure, jealous person in his relationships, and I feel that he is completely manipulative most of the time. Simply put: I can't wear the clothes I want to wear - not even small v-necks or shorts unless I am with him at home. I can't go places out of town with my family for more than a few hours and he has to know every detail of the trip. I have to call him from college inbetween every class and detail if any men have spoken to me - including teachers. I am not allowed to have any male friends or speak to guys - this includes people at church (with limited talk with my own pastor), my best friend who was gay, older men at my father's work that have known me my entire life, teachers and counselors at college, and especially any one close to my age - this also includes girls because may want me to talk to some people they know or put me in a 'difficult' situation. Basically - no friends or acquaintances at all.

Continued... This is just the top of the iceberg. What makes it worse is that I can't handle this at all - I can't happily be in that type of relationship. Why not leave? I care too much. I have been with him through his battle with bladder and prostate cancer, have been with him through his resulting personal battle with impotency, and have encouraged him to undertake online college which he would no doubt quit if our relationship ended because "I'm the only reason he is going through with it - for us." He also pressures me about having children at a specific time - if it were up to him, I would be living with him, working some mediocre job to get by, and be pregnant.

I can't live like this, but I can't bring myself to leave him either - It also seems like I deserve it sometimes because I let my guard down and followed my heart even when my head said to stay away. Now I am compulsively lying to him - I have both male and female friends at college, I rant to my friends about our problems, I wear what I want at college and when he's not around and lie like a dog when he questions me. We are both hurting eachother so much, but I can't seem to overcome it. I wish I knew what was going to happen.

When I was 8, my father left for a pack of cigarettes and never returned. I kept wondering what I had done to make him leave. Years later my mother remarried. Both my step brother and my step father sexually molested me. I did not tell my mother because I was scared she'd blame me. My mother is not a demonstrative person and has never told me she loved me. I thought it was just my imagination but my best friends have acknowledged this to me. I have never been in a relationship where I have not been cheated on. I am a very successful professional who put herself through college. After 6 years of purposely not being romantically attached to anyone, I met and fell in love with a man. I have dated him 1 1/2 yrs. I lied to him when he asked me if I'd been touched against my will. I've never told anyone what happened to me. I just learned he is cheating and lies to me frequently. I am so full of pain and despair. I am so filled with shame for my life. I'm afraid I will never have a normal, healthy relationship.

My secret is that I was cheated on by an ex, as soon as I broke up w/him I met someone on myspace which I have never done before. He seemed perfect. He swept me off of my feet and told me that my ex was so stupid for losing me because I was such a wonderful woman. We moved fast, we were living together after 2 months. Everything was fine, after being together for 5 months I found out I was pregnant. It was not planned and I was contemplating having the baby, the night we found out he had made plans already to go out with his boys. I told him to still go out and I stayed home, thinking about the fact that I was pregnant. The next day I looked in his phone and found a girl’s name he just put in from the night before, when I confronted him he choked me and gagged me with the other hand, threw me on the floor kicked me and choked me again I could not believe he did this when I just found out I was pregnant. He never put hands on me before. Then later I read abuse often times starts during pregnancy or after something that ties you together and makes it hard for you to leave. After that about every 2-3 months he would choke me. It got over more and more stupid things like just not liking the tone of my voice if I was questioning him about something. Then, when he would get really mad at me he would rape me sometimes. He is Mr. Perfect to everyone else, great job, athletic, friendly and social, very intelligent, etc. I think that is why I could not believe what was happening he was so manipulating that even I didn’t see him for who he really was. I did lots of research on abuse; one thing it said was they almost are always also cheating. I just did not think he would ever do that, he rarely went out without me and when he did I was usually invited and just didn't want to go. I finally ended things when I got suspicious he was going to bars by himself during the work week all of a sudden staying out really late. I looked in his phone, called a number and it was an escort! There was another girl he met and took to dinner who I also talked to. I made the decision to leave him that second. For some reason even though he physically, emotionally and sexually abused me, it took finding out he cheated to leave him. I excused everything else like "well at least he doesn't cheat, at least he has a job, etc. at least I like his family," but when I found out that my fiancé whom I was having unprotected sex with since we were living together and engaged put me at risk for stds I was DONE! I am actually happy I found out he cheated because I should have left him over the abuse, he choked me about 15 times in three years, locked me out of our home in the middle of the night in the winter, I had to hide keys outside incase he did that again, which he did. He would take my car and leave me places and I would have to walk home. I just adapted to this life and tried to not make him mad. I was miserable, yet ok with it. It has been 4 months now that we have been broken up, we owned a house together and it took the whole last 4 months to remove him from the house, so of course even though we were broken up he still mentally abused me and knew I was living in fear that he still had rights to where I was living. Now that he is off my house I feel so much safer. I am almost 28 and it is hard being single when I thought I would have a family by now, but I cried almost every day with him and almost zero since I left him. So that says something. I am so much happier and it was the hardest thing I went through in my life breaking it off with him (he made it very hard of course) but I am so glad I did. I am completely traumatized from him and have major trust issues so I am not getting in another relationship for awhile. I just spend lots of time with family and friends and they make me feel safe and loved. I am telling my secret because it feels good to get out all the disgusting things he did that I can’t tell my friends, and I want people reading this to know that if you are being abused, it will be the hardest and scariest thing you do leaving him, but you will also be the happiest you have ever been and you will take back your power he took away. If you can leave even if you will be broke or sleeping on a friend’s couch, if you have kids, etc. still leave. NO one deserves the stuff I endured and many other women endure every day. I thought it was my fault for a long time, now I know he was just a sick person and I almost feel sorry for him. It does get better, it does get easier, and I can sleep at night peacefully now without being scared I will get raped or choked. I could not be happier now. Plus, I know the warning signs and will never let a man treat me this way again. Ladies be strong, use your friends and family, I truly think he would have choked me for too long one time, and killed me whether it be by mistake or on purpose, I almost gave up and just took him back during the 4 months of getting him off my house because him, the bank everyone and everything was working against me. I am so much happier, I am proof you can leave someone you love so much that abuses you. I really loved him and wanted to be with him forever, but crying yourself to sleep every night is a pretty good sign you need to get out! I still have sadness of missing him sometimes, you know these relationships are confusing because they are not bad all the time, you can have a wonderful time together, but the next day get beat up or choked or threatened. Real men do not do that. Men that are insecure and need to manipulate women to feel good are who do that. If you are being abused and you are unhappy- LEAVE!!!! It will be your first step to happiness. You will feel empowered. I now have all of the power, he begs for me back and I get to say HELL NO! And I can say that because now I don’t live with him and he has no rights to my home. I am so proud of myself for doing it. I never wanted to; my best friend had to beg me for almost the whole time I was with him (which actually made me want to just prove them wrong so I tried to stay with him even harder). Men have the choice to walk away, leave the house, etc. They have the choice to abuse you or treat you right. If you are with someone who chooses to abuse you, you have the right to leave! Stay strong ladies and you are not to blame and you are not alone. Good luck to anyone reading this.