Children and LyingMost parents like to think their children are special. So, it can come as a surprise when parents discover the extent to which their children are telling lies. But, research shows that lying, even to one’s parents, is a natural part of growing up. In fact, research shows that infants start misleading their parents very early in life. Infants mislead their parents through fake cries, concealing mistakes, and pretending to be injured, just to name a few (see, report on research and infants). Between the ages of three to five, children get quite adept at being able to successfully lie to others (see, Lewis). Not only are children predisposed to using deception, but more often than not, children learn this behavior at home. Children watch their parents lie (see, Saxe) and they are explicitly taught to lie by their parents (see, Ekman). What parent has not lied to a child in order to prevent him (or her) from knowing an unpleasant truth (“everything will be ok”), or taught their children to lie to someone they love (“tell grandma how much you love the gift”) or instructed a child to lie on their behalf (“tell them I’m too busy right now”)? For better or worse, parents teach their children how to lie and then get upset when their children use deception for their own purposes. In fact, children are quick to learn that lying can be useful when trying to avoid punishment, create a better image, influence other’s behavior, or form their own identity. Children, with higher IQs, who are more socially outgoing, or who are raised in a controlling family environment are more likely to use deception. Unfortunately, deceptive behavior tends to increase over time, especially during the teenage years, when children are trying to assert their independence. And to make matters more complicated, teenagers tend to put rewards ahead of risks, causing them to act more carelessly (and often more deceptively) than parents would like. The challenge parents face is how to sets limits without creating a hostile, controlling environment – an environment where deception is more likely to be used (see, how to get others to be honest). Using a severe style of parenting, by overreacting (nonverbally) and dishing out harsh punishments, tends to be counterproductive. Children lie to avoid the consequences of their actions; so raising the stakes typically leads to more deceptive behavior. If you discover your child is lying, it helps if you can remain calm. And it helps to focus on the underlying issue. What issue is your child lying about? Try to talk to your child about the issue at hand and make an attempt to understand his (or her) point of view. After you have tried to see the situation from his (or her) point of view, make your own point of view clear in a nonaggressive way (see, talk about problems). Focusing on a child’s use of deception, rather than focusing on the underlying issue, often diverts time and energy from addressing the real problem – only making it more likely that the deceptive behavior will happen again. It also helps to remind your children that it is your responsibility as a parent to provide structure by setting rules and limits on what is acceptable. And it helps to tell your kids that you value honesty in your relationship with them. While this method is far from full proof, if used consistently, it often leads to better outcomes in the long run. But, if you are dealing with a child who lies even when there is no reason to lie (see, compulsive lying), or a child, who is constantly putting themselves at risk, seeking out professional help may be the wisest course of action. More Resources: Truth About Deception - back to our homepage. Comments
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written by andovermom , 29 November, 2011
How do you deal with a 16 year old who lies about everything. I dont believe anything she says. To look at her she is a great kid, she doesnt stay out late, hang with boys, cuss, and she gets good grades. I deal with this daily and I feel completely defeated. There is no punishment that will work. She just shrugs it off. I feel this is a clinical matter. I just dont know what to call it. Anybody else deal with this?
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written by in the same boat , 29 November, 2011
Yes! I am dealing with the same issues with my 17 year old daughter. I am trying to find my way around this and help her to understand that the truth is the best way and that I'd rather hear the truth than find out a lie. In a strange way I am comforted by your post,it makes me realize that part of this may just be the age.
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Right now I am taking it one day at a time. I am in touch with her school on a regular basis, and I am still following through with consequences to the lies even tho I feel like at times just giving up and saying "Do what ever you want." Parenting at this age is very hard because we never will know the whole story. Good Luck I'll be praying for you and your daughter. report abuse
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written by Jagdeep k , 01 December, 2011
Hey i lie about everything . i tended to recently lied about having a child and im 13 i dont know how to control myself cause everything i do is a lie .. i need mental help and i need it now !
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written by Jessica Miller , 12 January, 2012
I am sick of lying. I really wish I could stop. My parents are such lovely people and sometimes right after I lie to them, I want them to yell at the top of their lungs at me and tell me how much of a liar I am. I only see it getting worse day after day, and I feel more and more guilty. I'm 13 and I don't want people to see me as "that girl that can't be trusted" or "that crazy chick who has a shrink." I honestly can't handle that right now.
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The person that commented before me (the other 13 year old) kind of makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. Thank you. You may have given me the littlest bit of confidence to tell them now. I genuinely hope things work out for you. report abuse
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written by Monique1 , 14 January, 2012
Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. Girls, you should be proud of yourselves for your honesty describing your situations. You are not alone. My 16 year old son keeps lying to me so he won't get in trouble. In the past year he was expelled from school for fighting and sent away to a boot camp for 7 months. He came out saying all the right things about learning from his mistake but lately his behavior and lying has escalated to no end! Its gotten him in more trouble and its getting worse. He's in counseling so I'm hoping eventually he'll learn the importance of telling the truth. Its so frustrating not being able to believe or trust him. If its a phase he's going through, I wish it would end and he would start being the respectable young man he was raised to be. I just can't take the chaos anymore.
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written by mlarae , 15 January, 2012
I'm a single mother of 5 beautiful children everything was great up till about 2 years ago. She was 13 at the time when it all started she ran away from home, because she wanted to go hang out with her boy friends and drink and do drugs. I reported her in they caught her at school the next morning,then it happened again this time I didn't find her for almost a week. I figured being in JDC she would snap out of it,but it didn't. she got worse she then started telling lies to everyone just because she wanted to go live with her dad. So I constantly have social serves coming to my house because she keeps telling them that I beat her up. I told her probation officers that I was scared of my own daughter,because she is trying to put me in prison that's what is so scary. she wants to go live with her dad so she can go run around and do what she wants,because she can't do it with me. Then it came down to Ya why can't she go live with her dad the courts asked. I'm thinking to my self ok what did I do so bad that you don't think that I can raise my daughter by my self until she is 18? I am the only 1 that took care of her for this long now you just want me to give her up? Never received a dime in child support. The father only came around to see her when he wanted. Then I turned to them and ask would you want your child to go live with a rapist he has charges currently on him. A parent cries out for help for their child nobody listens,but when the child cries out they are at your front door within seconds. What is a parent supposed to do?
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written by notknow what to do , 15 January, 2012
I'm reading these stories and thinking wow. I'm dealing with a 13 year old stepson whose mother raised him to lie about everything. He is a compulsive liar. He lies even when there is no reason to do so. As far as some of the parents, these kids need to journal (written or video) about why they lie. As far as the child who wants to live with dad, get her to write down what she wants and if that is what she wants, let her go. But have her recognize that she is accountable for her choices and thinking errors. At 17, they think they know it all and all we can do is explain to them possible outcomes and consequences.
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written by I dont know what to do , 19 January, 2012
My children are in their 30s and they lie lie lie. I don't to even want talk to them because who knows if it is going to be true or not! How does one keep a relationship yet distance themselves from the lies?
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written by Sadteen , 05 February, 2012
I lie. And I realized today that I can't control it, big or small, to get myself out of trouble.... I am a 16 year old male, and I feel horrible for lying but I don't know how to stop
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written by confusedteen , 07 February, 2012
I realized recently that I lie about almost everything... mostly to get myself out of trouble but I end up just digging myself deeper. I want my parents to be able to trust me again but I don't know how to stop myself from lying it's like an addiction. I feel like I can't trust anyone with the truth so lies would somehow be better. I want to be an honest person but I feel so vulnerable when i'm 100% honest.
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written by Rk , 14 February, 2012
I too have an almost 20 yr. old Daughter who lies to me about mostly everything! The only time she's truthful,is when she tells me how terrible I am. I sent her to her Dads to live at 18 because she was causing such a rift in my and my current Husbands relationship. The drug paraphernalia I'd found in my home told me why the day I took her to her Dads to stay she got in my face and called me a "B&@ch" A year went by, nothing from her,she comes now, however there are always these "limitations"as to how much time I'm allowed, and sits here bragging about how her Dad allows her to smoke pot in the house and her boyfriend lives there and sleeps right across the hall in a 978 square foot home from her Dads room. My problem is her Father has told her HORRIBLE STORIES about me, and none are true. I hurt so bad, but only can love her and I have to stop trying to be part of her life. She has to want that, all I can do is Love her.She wants to believe these horrible stories about Me, and it's put a terrible strain in our relationship. I pray for her and wish her well and hopefully someday when she has kids of her own,she'll wake up. Her lying is so bad, she can't keep things straight, and when you call her on it, she gets ENRAGED! Please Pray for her she's a Sociopath liar, charming, and doesn't think twice about hurting others for personal gain. And yes we've had counseling, she fooled even one of the best psychologist in our state!
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