My Attempt to Confront A Compulsive Liar

Please take a look at two different viewers' attempts to deal with a compulsive liar. These strategies may not work for everyone, but hopefully they give people some options and ideas about how to cope with a compulsive liar.

And if you have any successful strategies that have worked for you, please feel free to share them with us so that other people might benefit from your experience. Thanks!

One viewer's attempt

Here's how I tried to get my boyfriend to stop lying:

It is possible to get a compulsive liar to change, but he's going to have to be confronted over and over with the truth of his lying ways, and it's going to be a long, systematic, and strategic process. I've been systematically exposing my boyfriend's lying ways over the last few months. I learned to do my research up front when something looked/seemed suspicious. After my suspicions were confirmed, I'd ask him about what he said, giving him an opportunity to come clean. Once he didn't, I'd present the indisputable evidence.

At that point he would simply be silent. That was the only admission of guilt I would get, but I accepted it. The point was that he knew that I knew. So after I developed a pattern of confronting him with evidence, it became harder for him to automatically offer a lie as an explanation because there was a risk that I had done/would do more research to confirm the truth. So at least at that point he would second guess his decision to just make something up. At this point the habit gets disrupted, maybe not broken, but at least disrupted.

From there I began to weave into conversations (in appropriate contexts) that he has a demonstrated history of not telling the truth, just to reinforce that I don't automatically buy everything he says now. No matter how hard he tries to argue against that, I stick to my guns and restate that the past history of lies speaks for itself. I've also made it clear that we are the process of rebuilding trust as a natural consequence of his deception (this is when he asks when I'm ever going to trust him again. It's also been good to ask him to really reflect on whether he's worthy of trust at this point).

I still do my research, but now when he lies about things I don't have to present the evidence in order for him to admit the truth. When I call him on a lie, he may try to deny it at first or shade things a little or offer a perfectly understandable explanation. But I just tell him I know that's not the exact truth. He has started now to abandon his need to convince me of the truth with his words. In fact he understands his words are ineffective with me, and for good reason. So a little bit more of the habit has been shaken up.

Another viewer's response

The writer above comes to no conclusion as to the results of this strategy. I think that the strategy is typical of anyone that gets involved with a lying person (addict of any sort.)

My own observations is that the liar will come clean when it serves their purpose and return to lying when it serves their purpose. In the meantime, the person confronting and attempting to change this behavior becomes increasingly co-dependent through focusing such effort into changing another's behavior. Eventually the confronter will become very sick through their confronting, while the liar will move on with little or no scars from the interaction.

Another viewer's attempt

From experience, there is a lot to think about when your boyfriend lies to you. Some will lie be be purposely malicious, but others do it to gain some self serving purpose or esteem. As for my boyfriend, I tried to confront him by telling him that lying will eventually make you lose trust and respect from others around you. This may seem really ridiculous, but he took some good whacks from me.

Afterward, I explained that truth and honesty will earn him respect and that I would not want to be with anyone that was not willing to confront such an issue as lying. From then on, I encourage him every time he tells the truth about anything. He is gradually telling more truths lately, and I am encouraged by this. I see other wonderful sides of him as well, and try to see him as a patient going through healing.

However, not all cases of lying may be the same, so it depends on the guy you may be involved with. You should know if the guy does not mean harm deep down...so it could just take a lot of patience and forgiveness for a while. After all, isn't part of love being forgiving and patient?

Another viewer's solution

My only tip to being with a compulsive liar is to leave them. I was engaged up until this week and I had confronted him on a number of occasions on the tiniest of lies, but it didn't stop him lying to me. In fact, he tried to justify lying by wanting 'an easy life.' In the end I was more insulted that he thought I was so stupid to believe the most incredible lies. The time and effort I invested in trying to catch him lying actually killed all my feelings for him. How could I be with someone I couldn't even trust?

Sure I am disappointed, but now I'm just relieved that I don't have to read into everything and wonder if its actually true. No more Inspector Clueso for me!

Another viewer's experience

I married a sociopath. Of course, I didn't realize that there were those types of human beings in existance. Near the end of our 2 yr. marriage is when I started realizing she had been lying to me & her co-workers (destroying my character) so that she could attempt to have me arrested on false DV charges. Imagine the realization of this from your spouse. I guess she was through with me, so this was her way of disposing of me. I found out later after meeting her ex that she had succeeded in having him arrested on false DV charges (they didn't stick, because, well, they were false!) He is a really nice man.

I found out some incredulous lies, some just downright crazy, and some directed solely to destroy my character. When I confronted her with several of these lies she would lie again to cover, or simply state "you weren't there", etc. The problem is that I spoke with people who were there in the certain instances. My take on it is that one could confront a person such as my ex (who is a validated sociopath ~ by way of psychological testing) until one's death and not accomplish anything positive. I'll agree with the one thing that another person stated: When confronted with the truth, there is a long silence.

I have to deal with this person with outrageously horrible behavior because I had children by her. The interesting thing is that she didn't really "target to destroy" me until she was underway with the second pregnancy. Once I got my feet under me, and started investigating I uncovered lie after lie concerning her parents, my parents, me, my friends, you name it. Nothing was sacred from being destroyed by her lying. I uncovered an affair she had also.

From this experience I may be an incurable cynic on the topic of rehabilitation from chronic lying.
Truth and trust are missing from a liar's dictionary, and it can't be penciled in later. My ex uses lies to manipulate people into believing a certain thing or making people act (usually it's for punitive control, getting what she wants regardless of others, etc.).

Another viewer's perspective

Is it worth it to keep or build a relationship with a compulsive liar? NO.

It doesn't matter if he or she is a compulsive liar CL or pathological liar PL there's no way to keep a healthy relationship when there's no trust. At first a CL or PL looks and acts like normal people and you will buy anything that person tells you. In time, however, you'll find some incongruencies in their stories, excuses to show you a home-made recent picture, excuses to avoid a date or meeting, a list of reasons why you can’t meet their family or friends. Eventually, he or she will be forced to present extraordinary excuses. Compulsive liars offer nothing but lies after lies. And when you confront a compulsive liar with the facts they'll act defensive or they'll act like the victim of someone who doesn’t trust them.

Is it worth it?

No. Move away. Everyone deserves better.

From someone who has learned to live with a compulsive liar

I have been married to a compulsive liar for more than 25 years. The lies ranged from simple ones that had no apparent point, to very complex deceptions made to achieve a goal. When confronted, she would deny lying, adroitly misdirect the conversation, verbally attack me, and try every approach imaginable to avoid the truth. If pursued long enough, she may tell the truth, but with a great deal of resentment.

This problem was not apparent when we first married, but became more apparent as the responsibilities of a relationship and parenthood arrived.

It was just two days ago that I told her I thought she was a compulsive liar. We went to the internet and looked up some definitions. I left, she took some tests and read some more, then walked to where I was and announced that she was a compulsive liar. I asked if she was kidding - she said she was not. She said she read it can be caused by traumatic events occurring as a child, and she has, reportedly, had those. But I am not too sure about her past, since her recounting of past events has been shown to change.

I don't think I will ever really know what her life was before I met her. I don't think she can be counted on to not lie, but she is not so bad that she can't be counted on as a life partner. I love her and don't wish to leave. The kids are grown and know that mom sometimes has a hard time telling the truth. She tells me she does not know why she lies.

Another person's take on the issue

I was dating someone for almost a year until I finally wised up and broke up with them two weeks ago because I was tired of his lying. He doesn't think that he does anything wrong, he cannot even talk about problems because he would always push them under the rug.

When I met him he had recently lost his wife, I wanted to just be friends, but he insisted on being ready to date. Honesty and trust are essential for any type of relationship to grow. This past year has been one of great stress and I will never stay with someone who lies to me because one lie seems to lead to another lie.

Life is tough enough, and each and every one of us has our share of quirks, but when you are fortunate in this life to find someone who really cares for you, that's something special in this day and age.

It is still hard to deal with what happened, but time heals everything.

From a compulsive liar

I understand compulsive liars, because I am in fact one myself. My habits are not as bad as when I was younger, but I still lie to protect myself, my past and my truth and I would come up with anything to protect me... I used to take habit in faking people and identities to try and protect myself. What saved me was actually meeting another compulsive liar... We both clocked on to it because we were both doing the exact same thing, we had the same techniques, so one night I confronted her, telling her I understand exactly why she is the way she is, because I am myself. It was such a relief to find someone who had the exact same problem as me, we both gave each other confidence and hope, and we went counseling together and group therapies.... Dealing with the truth IS scary, especially when you deeply hate the person you are and not who you're making everyone believe you are.. but we're getting there.

From another compulsive liar

I can also understand why a compulsive liar lies. Mainly because I have recently discovered I am one. I truly don't know why I lie, but I have read the symptoms and I concur that I lie to protect myself. I grew up in a middle class family. I was basically the star student in my earlier grades (1st through 3rd) and mt parents never really let me forget it. I actually began to slack in school a bit, and thats my fault. But as soon as I received my first B my parents grounded me for a long time. (I do remember this.) And from there on they continued to make sure my homework was always done and would never let me leave the house until it was done.

I think that's when it all started...I began to lie to my parents and tell them my homework was done so I could go play with friends sooner. I'm not sure how but, I as time went on I lied more and more. I, actually to the point where I can lie to myself and believe in false things. I tell my parents that they tell me things, or that they don't tell me things to get out of a sticky situation so I'm not punished. I do it to everyone now because I'm always afraid of the punishment. I am currently in a great relationship that is slowly slipping away. I truly mean no harm to anyone but my girlfriend is amazing...I don't know how she puts up with me. I lie about the littlest things. Their family is on vacation and I forgot to mow their lawn...and I was talking to her, I told her that I mowed it...when I didn't yet, but she didn't even come home for another week so there was not point in lying.

I am currently seeing help and I advise all those that know a compulsive liar to help them. Because its hard and self-confusing. It's instinct to lie for us, and it feels weird when I tell the truth...

A friend's perspective

About a year ago, I discovered that my best friend is a compulsive liar. She had made up an ex-boyfriend, who contacted all of her friends through msn and through emails. Her lies were so deep, and she brought this ex-boyfriend up daily, sometimes crying over fights they got into. Finally, I confronted her, and she denied everything. I lost a few other friends, because she convinced them I was a bad person. Recently, a friend and I went to her parents, because we're still relatively young, and believe there may be hope for her. But the more we speak to her parents or other friends, we see that she didn't only lie about this boy. Simple things, like teaching kids on weekends, and her financial situation. It helps to know I'm not alone in being hurt, but my friend just will not ever admit defeat, or concede that she ever lied. I now fear the only thing to do is walk away, and hope that she can get professional help. I too have become cynical at this tender age.

From a victim of a compulsive liar

Anyone who has been shocked or devastated by the actions of a adept liar knows the shame that follows. You are outraged, but deep inside you feel stupid and naive for having misjudged someone's character so profoundly. Compulsive liars shake off the chaos, confusion, damage they inflict on others much like the snake who sheds his skin. They may be agitated while wriggling out of a lie, but once this accomplished, they move on; smarter and smoother from the experience. I sleep with one eye open after a brief affair 10 years ago. I ended up pregnant after 3 months of dating this man I had met at work. After seeing the positive sign on the test strip he proved how a con man only yells the truth when it is less problematic than a lie. He quickly told me his real name, what he really did for a living, his family lived only a few miles away, made a hasty exit. He turns up now and again to terrorize me and my daughter. He occasionally ends up in jail. But I always have to move far away. A good rule to remember is that all the power in any relationship lies in hands of the person who cares the least. It seems dark-hearted and wrong, but it is the truth.

Another story

I was married to a compulsive liar for three years; we dated for one year before we married. He was the most charming man I'd ever met, and I believe now it was because he knew about his lying problem. Also, his lying worked to hook me because he told me what he knew I wanted to hear. The lies ranged from tiny, silly things to very important issues. My trust in him was ultimately destroyed, and that is when I decided I needed to leave. I confronted him several (and several more) times, but he always denied that he was lying and became angry with me. Having no trust in him and being verbally and emotionally attacked by him was not worth all the great things about him, and there were many. I believe much of love is made up of trust. I have always wished him well since I left him, but I know he's still at it. I received a call recently from a woman who found our divorce papers in the trunk of his car when he sent her there for one of his sweaters - he told her he had never been married. She was crying her heart out to me. I told her to run, especially since I found out he had been divorced in the same manner - I found his first divorce papers in the trunk of his car, where he had sent me to find his sweater. Ha ha. Go figure!

Do you have your own ideas you'd like to share?
If so, please send them to us.

Additional Information:

• success stories about dealing with compulsive lying?
• forum for people involved with a compulsive liar
  
  
• how to confront a lying partner