I just found out that my boyfriend of almost 6 years has been cheating on me with a 21 year old girl he met online.

He told me that he took a job in Michigan for the opportunity (we lived in NC) and in reality he moved there to be with this girl. When the girl broke it off with him he apparently harassed her. He still lives in MI and I was just up there visiting thinking nothing was wrong.

He pretended everything was fine; he got up for work everyday. I found a suspicious email address in his computer where he was pretending to be his fictional female best friend trying to convince the 21 year old girl to take him back. He has always been a liar, but I only ever caught him lying about stupid things like that he did go to prom when he didn’t.

I told his mother what I found out and she told me that she and her husband are getting divorced because he has been cheating with someone from online too. This is like a nightmare. I know this guy is obviously a loser and has a lot of issues and possibly a mental problem, but I keep thinking of the guy I have loved for more than 5 years and don’t understand how he could do this to me.

What is wrong with him?

Please help me understand.

Response:

Unfortunately, your boyfriend was probably lying to you about serious issues from the start, you just didn’t see it.

And it doesn’t help to blame yourself – that is the nature of love – love makes people blind to the truth. Most people have a difficult time seeing a lover's lies (see, catching lovers lying). Furthermore, online affairs can be very easy to hide (see, online affairs).

And why did he do this to you? It can be difficult to accept, but not everyone views love the same way. For some people, love is a game – a game where individuals try to manipulate other people (see, ludus).

Because people are so different from each other in a lot of important ways, we encourage couples to go slow at the start of a relationship – limit sexual activity and emotional involvement as much as possible.

Once you become emotionally and sexually involved, it can be very difficult to see things clearly – and this is how people make mistakes when it comes to love and romance - moving too fast early on (see, romantic attachments).

Hope this helps make sense of what happened to you and how you can prevent it from happening again in the future.

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Why do men toy with our emotions?
written by Guest , 14 July, 2006

Every male I know has cheated or is cheating on their partners. Its so hard to try and understand. Why? Then when you catch them, first they're saying no. It's not true. You're crazy. You don't trust me. Next the switch happens. Now he's mad at me for always accusing him and I'm all this and that, and then it's you can just leave. With the most angry voice: I hate you, f-leave. Lastly when I decide to leave. He's like I'm sorry, don't go. He's all sweet and nice, until the next time I catch him, lying. So do I leave, because I am past the trust. I have zero trust in him. All I do is trust he'll hurt me again, and send me packing.

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breanna
written by Guest , 14 July, 2006

My ex boyfriend keeps on getting mad every time he hears I talk to someone else. What should I do? He says he loves and trusts me, but I don't believe him.

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written by mrs dumbfounded , 13 August, 2009

8 yrs three kids later and beautiful kisses every morning. then i found his blackberry. chats dirty with at least two grls and tells them he loves them.they live in different states and says it meant nothing. one grl hes talked to for 2 yrs! he says hes glad he got caught and that he has struggled w this fantasy world.he says never again and so sorry. i try to forgive him, then i throw it in his face a day or two later cause i am so disgusted about his two yr deceit. i am still with him because i do love him,called him my soulmate.guess we will see how it goes

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written by I wished.. , 17 November, 2009

I wished that we could just tell our boyfriend straight up about how we feel when he lies and cheats. Sadly, us women are too sunk into a relationship and its too hard to say anything. He tells you he loves you with all his heart and you accept it, you love that warm fuzzy feeling inside, its almost like a drug you must take and you can't help but be loved. This is something that occurs in almost 90% of relationships and its something hard to get rid of. You just need Trusting towards each other. (Very hard.)

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written by Caroline B. , 14 June, 2010

i met this man online (which i guess should have been my first clue) but he lived 900+ miles away... he came up to visit me, meet my family and after only six months, i decided to move to his state to be with him. now he's cheating online all the time, i catch him with a new person every week it feels like... we never have sex, and i have a big appetite. he's not affectionate anymore, he's always moody and literally says he doesn't like being touched; whether it be sex, holdings hands or even being brushed up against. what pissed me off most, is that he tells this girls that i never touch him and we never have sex, and more specific sexual things but i either do all these things or ask him to, and i am always shot down. now i'm 900 miles away from my family and everyone i know, and i think it could be the biggest mistake i've ever made. i love him so much, but everything is a lie. after i talked to his father and mother, most of what he said about his past was bullshit. BE CAREFUL ladies!!!! i'm still with him because right now i'm just too weak to make a change, but i know i must. you're not alone, and don't feel foolish because you followed your heart!!

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