Truth About Deception

What we say isn't always what we mean to say. The responsibility of clear communication lies on both ends of the line - the sender and the receiver - but that isn't always possible when emotions are running high and we are uncertain precisely what those emotions are or how to convey those thoughts or emotions accurately.

Mixed messages and mis-communication causes confusion and frustration on both the sender and receivers end.

What's the translation of the dialogue between what your cheating partner says to you AND what's the translation of what you say to your cheating partner?

I say: I’m so tired I don’t know how much more I stress can stand.
He hears: You are leaving me
I say: I need a little time to myself
He hears: You are leaving me
I say: I’d like to discuss something
He hears: You are leaving me
I say: I am sad today
He hears: You are leaving me
I say: I’d like to discuss your party next week
He hears: You are leaving me – right after the party next week
Suzie

Suzie:

What does he say if you say you are leaving him?

I think you two sound like the perfect example of what I was talking about. He thinks everything is about the relationship. You are still dealing with deep feelings about the affair.

It's like if you could say..."I need to talk to you about my feelings. This has nothing to do with our relationship. Just about my feelings.".... "OK, now we can talk about us and our relationship."....if he'd getthe difference, I think it would be better for you guys.

Maybe make two signs:The Affair and Our Relationship. Hand him the sign which represents what you want to discuss. Shoot I don't know?

It's funny you should say that DT. Last night I came home from seeing my personal counselor - it was a good session and suggested some coping mechanisms to get through a big event we have coming up. Hubby asked and I told him it was a good session. We sat down to dinner and I said, I'd like to talk after dinner.... he froze. I said, you are not in trouble, it's not about your affair, it's about your upcoming party. Then he could finish dinenr. Later he confessed that he thought I was going to leave him after the party.

It's so funny because I am ready to start talking about the relationship, but the affair is still in the way. How do we get passed it? How do I get over it.

Suzie

Suzie:

I just had a great idea (at least in my own mind ).

Try visual aids, guys do better with spatial things than language. Ask him what his hopes and wishes for the relationship look like, then tell him yours (I bet they overlap) and draw something symbolic of this ideal. Then draw where you are, and draw a path. Ask him, how do we get there?

Then draw the word AFFAIR on the path and explain that you still need his help moving the affair of of the path so you can both get to your desired destination. Just nudge it enough so there is a way "through" and remind him that this is all you are asking. And, show him again that you are both trying to get to the same place, that you are not trying to find a way to leave him.

Couldn't hurt could it?

DT

DT,

I like your idea. He is definitely a 'visual' learner. This might be fun to try. I will print your response and take it home.

Suzie