Ok, here it goes. I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years. I never really stopped loving him, we tried to get together last year but that didn't work out well.

Next thing you know he is calling me a year later to tell me about his love problems. Apparently he was seeing a married woman for 6 months and she returned to her abusive husband.

He keeps saying he doesn't want to bother me with his problems, but he has nowhere else to go.

As sick as it sounds, I listen and sympathize with him, and have slept with him, just because I can still have a part of him.

He has expressed how he just can't get her out of his head and how sad he is but it seems to me that it's soon after we have been together.

I am trying to understand why he misses someone who was so self-destructing. She tried to do herself in with an OD.

We were married 5 years together 10 years. I am nothing like this person; I am self supporting strong, independent, 51 and damn good looking – LOL.

My head knows that we come from two different worlds and want different things, but my heart wants him to want me.

Help....

Response:

Relationships are complicated because they are driven by very fundamental and sometimes competing emotions.

From your question, it sounds like you are attracted to your ex-husband, who loves another woman, but she is still attached to her husband.

Life would be so much easier for everyone involved if our feelings of desire, love and attachment were reciprocated. But more often than not, these basic emotions do not align themselves that way (see, differences between attraction, love and attachment).

If you are still attracted to and in love with your ex-husband, but he has similar feelings for someone else, then little good will come of this situation.

Essentially, you are investing in someone who is trying to invest in someone else.

So while sharing physical and emotional intimacy with your ex-husband creates feelings of closeness and connection for you, to him it probably serves a different function: it simply fills a void – he has no one else to turn to.

Or think of it this way: If his love interest showed him any attention, you'd be in his shoes right now – desperate for someone to provide you with comfort and understanding.

And while this may sound somewhat harsh, it is meant to be helpful: To an outsider, it looks like there is more than just one self-destructive individual involved in this situation.

So, how do you break this pattern and behave in a way that is in your own best interest?

To begin with, you cannot control who you are attracted to or who you love (see, interpersonal attraction).

But, you can control how you invest your time, energy and resources.

The best way to break this self-destructive pattern is to force yourself to meet new people, do new things, and get involved in new activities. By doing so, you'll increase the odds of meeting someone who you are attracted to and who feels the same way about you.

Relationship work best when they are based on mutual feelings of love, respect and kindness (see, healthy relationships).

Investing your time and energy in someone, who loves someone else, will ultimately prevent you from receiving the love you want in return.

Hope this helps somehow.

Comments (20)

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written by vhrs , 04 March, 2009

gr8 response

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written by s.m. c , 23 June, 2009

i am also the fool. I had to get divorced as my husband announced he had someone else. After he left i found out he slept with all my friends. I still cant move on, 3 years later im still in love with my ex. I would take him back in a heartbeat. Was with my ex for 22 years. Im a fool but i love him so much no man will ever match him

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written by SHANIA , 03 July, 2009

GET OVER IT

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written by Kepi , 11 July, 2009

I was so completely in love with my Ex when I divorced him (alcohol, drugs leading to sex with someone else-deal breaker for me). He was destroying himself, me and our life together. I stuffed it all away and did move on... even remarried and divorced again. We just spent 2 weekends together recently after 13 years apart (in a professional capacity) and just had an amazing time together. We are both older and wiser now and talked about EVERYTHING. A ton of healing took place, we both asked for and received forgiveness for the things we said and did to hurt each other so and we both realized how very much we do still love each other. I am currently single/dating-just-a-bit and he has had a girlfriend for 7 years. He said he cares deeply for her, she has really been there for him but he's not in love with her . I asked why he hadn't married her and he said he didn't have the heart to marry anyone after losing me. It's complicated but the bottom line is, I have never been in love with anyone in the way I have loved this man and I know the same is very true for him. I really did try to NOT be in love with him; to NOT miss him; to NOT think about him but he has always been there... saved deep in a my heart. Not sure what's next. I do know I will not be involved with him at all while he is still entangled with her... couldn't do that to another woman! Been there and it's hell on earth...

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written by tnit , 23 August, 2009

I was in an abusive relation ship with my ex for over ten years. He has made me cry more than I probably did as an infant. I asked God to help me get away from him. but the second I left him I started to remember the good times we shared and most of my friends are in his family. we have children and all of my memories as an adult include him. he has remarried and he still tries to sleep with me. when ever I see him I cant stand him but, when I am at home alone in the night all I do is think of him, miss the good times we shared, think of how all of my plans for the future included him. it hurts me to see him with some one else I know he would take me back in a min but I also know that he will never change because he thinks nothing is wrong with his behavior. the problem is when I am with some one else I cant love them no matter how hard I try My hart is with my ex and he in no way deserves it.

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written by tamara :) , 28 January, 2010

My husband and I dont have much left to carry out with our divorce. we are both in relationships but are both still very much in love with each other. I think i've liked the idea of letting him go but truth is, im so in love with him.. i've kept my distance and have shown him that im still here for him. he called me and expressed to me how he's been feeling about now being able to wake up to me and his children like he used to. i have been going on dates with him and we've had the greatest times. i think that now our love is more appreciated by one another. i feel the need to let my current boy friend go simply because i am very much in love with my ex... so confused..

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written by moud , 03 February, 2010

hi ... i am in the same situation, after i married my wife who has three girls, i felt soon that her heart is not for me but i refused this idea and when i checked things like mails and her phone i found a disaster she still loves him though he did horrible things to her, loved on her slept with another lady and refused to give her any rights and still plays mind games on her and she is silly and naive enough to believe him again and again... i got a chance to marry another lady who loves me and who wants to make up for me but i found myself refusing her as i love my wife and i love her kids, but i am in pain, i offered her ex husband to return to her he excused.... if he really wants her back he would seize that golden chance i gave to him... i faced her with that she confessed but asked for another chance i agreed as i know she is deceived but her feelings fail her , do really ladies love the kind of men who lie on them, control and use them? , do ladies hate kind and devoted men?i love her but i decided to give her time if she will still love him not me i am going to leave her and put my heart under my feet

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written by you , 23 February, 2010

i still love my ex and he cheated on me and is having a baby with another woman. all i can remember are the good times when i am wallowing in my self pity. i take responsibility for my part and wonder -- what could we have done to save the marriage? how did we get here? i should have done things differently....i miss him -- rather, i miss what we had when it was good.
but... there is no going back now. and based on my read of the above situations... there is no going back now. we just have to shake it off. and, as for me... i just pray i can love again like i did before and that i can find love again. we'll see. best of luck...

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written by GWilly , 13 March, 2010

Hubby and I were married 13 years, 2 kids and roller coaster relationship...lots and lots of great times but also lots of trauma...separated 2003 for 6 months, he dated someone for 3 months of that time, I convinced him to come back and forgave him. Things were really good, then I got breast cancer....things went down hill after that. I shut him out and he stopped trying. I left house and started dating an old friend from high school....he thinks I left him for this man...he moved in with a woman too. This has been all in the span of one year...I split up with this man about a month ago after I realized that I still love my ex. Now he is having problems with his girlfriend and I think she is moving out....he's told me that he loves her but he's also told me in the last few weeks that I was his best friend and the only person he's ever trusted. He's adamant that there is no chance of him coming back to me this time but I still feel like he does love me but that he's just deeply hurt. Am I crazy?? Does anyone think I still have a chance? How do I get him back? He tells me he misses his family, he's told me he's scared, but he won't give me any hope...I don't know whether I'm just fooling myself....

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written by joyous julie , 09 April, 2010

I have been through the same thing. My husband left me and said he was stressed and sick and needed space & the whole time he was seeing another woman and still sleeping with me.
He said he never wanted to leave me but when I found out he went to the other woman & ended up staying with her. He has now left the other woman and wants to come back to me but I do not trust him. Any advise would be appreciated.

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written by sue 1971 , 24 April, 2010

My ex partner and I have been split for a year now, we were together for 17 years and have 2 children together we always remained friends. 2 months ago I found out that he had been living with another woman for 6 months and kept it secret from me and the kids. I was devastated as he always told me he still loved me. Since I found out we have been sleeping together and he's stayed over once, he also takes me out for a drink regularly. We've talked about getting back together, I want to and he said he does to but wants to take it slowly, he refuses to come home, wants us to move somewhere else and make a fresh start yet he still lives with this other woman whom I think he was cheating with when we were together. He says there is nothing going on between them but it's killing me knowing he goes back to her every night. I constantly cry, I can't eat or sleep, I don't know if he's just keeping me sweet so I don't tell her. When I ask when is he leaving her he says soon as I've sorted things out. He says he doesn't love her so whats the problem. I'm so confused and heartbroken.

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written by Dad. , 26 April, 2010

I have read the about posts. I am too in a quagmire but perhaps my experience can give some insight onto what a ex dad feels. And help you identify.
I am going to admit some things here.

My wife, soon to be ex had been married 10 years. and I carried on with a deal breaker. Drugs, drink, and cheating. Till she got fed up. We have two children, a girl and a boy, who love daddy and miss him very miss; and I them. I regret that in my behavior I did what I did to the woman I love. I was selfish. But the marriage is over. And for the sake of the kids perhaps there will be a friendship down the line. Because of a no direct and indirect no contact order it makes it difficult for her and I to talk. She says she is not bitter. I do love her. she is the woman I had kids with and I trusted her. But I do know why she cannot trust me.

She thinks I am with the mistress and no one else is telling her different. Well I am not and I applied myself to change.

I have hope and a deep sense that she and I were meant to be together. It is hard on adults as it is emotionally on children.

Those that say "get over it" too readily will be jaded and really did not have the deepest sense of attachment to that person in the first place. At some point an open mind has to be established before communication.

Do we as men regret our behaviors? Can we change? Some say yes. I know this writer truly does. I had to figure out what it taught our children. And then looked deep within myself. Truly is this the woman in my life I have hurt almost beyond repair. The one I truly want?

Perhaps I am the hopeless romantic. Perhaps I want my kids not to be a statistic. Perhaps that through all the turmoil and trauma I believe that if it was worked out together and unresolved issues can be brought. There will be a basis for trust. It is harder to work it out apart from one another, and move on that nagging unresolved issue will still be there. When do people stop running away? When do they stop being a coward and masking the feelings and emotions and substitute it with something or someone else? When do we say stop. Lets resolve this and figure out before we make a call on relationship. Trust.. well... at some point we have to stop hiding and trust and open ourselves to trust them again if we do indeed love them.

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written by Marie08 , 24 May, 2010

I divorced my husband after 24 years. He's made me cry more than smile. I still love him and always will.

I just don't want to cry anymore...I'm moving on because I deserve to be happy!

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written by helpp , 02 June, 2010

I'm in so much pain right now...I met my husband over 13 years ago and this year would have been our 10th anniversary. I left (with our 4 year old son) over 1 year ago because of verbal abuse on his part. We both made mistakes, but at the time, I was stay-at-home Mom and knew I couldn't take it anymore.
I moved into apt w/ our son, went back to work and got thru it all. I saw changes in my husband and we started "dating" again. I fell in love all over again and last week he called to say he didn't want this life anymore - please proceed with divorce.

I am DEVASTATED. He loves our son and spends time with him (for which I am thankful) but we were spending time as a family and making plans as a family. I am so broken that I feel like I can't go on...if it weren't for my son, I don't think I could go on.

this sounds "pitiful" but it really hurts.

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written by wofchub , 24 June, 2010

I filed for separation & divorce back in October 2009. I moved out of our house on Oct 27. I could not go through a divorce and live together any longer. I have been with my husband for over 13 years & we have 2 young children together. He started dating in Dec 2009. I tried to date but found myself very unhappy and uncomfortable doing that. I found out that my husband was dating someone from his work in Feb and I became very upset, angry and helpless. He came to my house one day in February and asked to be together physically and as much as I wanted to I just could not. He was seeing someone else (maybe even sleeping with her). That made me very sick to my stomach. He moved his girlfriend and her son into "our" house in March. We share custody of our 2 children and on April 4 he introduced her and her son to my girls. This was so confusing for my girls. My youngest became withdrawn. I was so angry with my husband to not even see what he had done to his children by doing this so quickly. In May our youngest became very sick and had to be in the hospital for many days. It was not until then that my husband I were able to talk and realize that everything we had gone through was dictated by other people other than us. We cried and told each other that we love each other. We even made love that night. Two days later our daughter was released to go home. Although I was very happy my daughter was feeling better my heart was in my throat because my husband was going home to someone else. It has been 39 days since we talked in the hospital and we have talked about getting back together. I am 150% sure I want to work on our marriage. I am in counseling and support group at church. However, my husband said that he is scared that we will end up like we were. I know that can not happen if we want to make this work. We have been physical 5 times, kissing, and tell each other we love one another each time we see each other. Yet his girlfriend has no clue what is going on. She even has his name tattooed on her low back (she is 47 with 2 grown kids,a teenager & 8 year old> who does that and why? I want to tell her that my husband and I have been physical and talk everyday. My husband said that he is in limbo and wants to work on our marriage but what if it does not workout between us....his girlfriend has done nothing to him to let her go. He said I am pushing too fast and we need to slow down. I can not think of anything else...what do I do?

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written by Ironman , 30 June, 2010

I have read like all these post here. For the ones that are in some really weird ones, I know it sucks when people say that you need to move on. But in truth you have to, you don't really need to move on with someone else, just move on with yourself. That's what I've had to do. Strangely, my separated wife still loves me and misses me, though she still wants to see this divorce through. God women are crazy sometimes. You either want me or not. I don't think she knows how good she had it. She had a good hard working husband that never was abusive in any way, was faithful, took care of the kids and even cleaned around the house, not to mention blowing her socks off when it came to sexy time. Only reason we're apart is because we hardly saw each other. Maybe I was too good of a husband.

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written by miserable only for now , 06 July, 2010

this is for all you women who take back or still love a man even though you know he is not good for you. my ex would pick fights w me so he could do whatever he wanted and to get his way. The next days following he would beg forgiveness give me flowers, write me letters. I would feel bad, remember the good times how we laughed or fun things we did together. I graduated from school after being out of school for more than 20 yrs. He wanted to take me on vacation to jamaica. we went the fourth day there..he drugged me, reaped me then hours later tried to kill me by punching me in the head face and eyes and nose..all the while keeping one thumb on my throat chocking me..all because i confronted him with what had happened hours earlier (i still dont have clear recollection of a 4 hour time frame..only had the proof that ran down my leg)ladies please know you are smart, funny and beautiful..you follow that feeling in your gut.. I didnt and it almost cost me my life!)

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written by Dear Hellp.... , 16 July, 2010

dear hellp......

I read your post and it really resonated with me *( I was in that same type of situation....if you would like to talk email me This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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written by monet , 21 August, 2010

I don't really understand it. Why do I still love a man that has hurt me soooooo much. I knew him in high-school and married him 2 days after my divorce was final after a 23 year marriage. He was persistent and got what he wanted, when he wanted. I wasn't ready, but also didn't want to be alone. Our marriage was shakey and through the good and the hard times, I fell very much in love with him. Depended on him. However, the trade off was not the same. Somehow, he made me feel as if I had a lot to learn and a lot to change. Very controlling. I no longer had the confidence that I once did. Why do I still feel like I need him in my life. I miss him. I want to be loved by him and nobody else. I don't understand this. What is wrong with me?

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written by kimmy , 30 August, 2010

I guess I'm not alone...there are a lot of women going through divorces and raising their children on their own...Sometimes you just feel like you are the only one in this situation, when in fact there are many more

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