I'm only 5 days since learning that my husband cheated.

I am not sleeping well and I can’t keep food in despite being hungry (and am getting help for that).

I exercise to try to reduce stress. I've had one session of couples counseling and have an appointment for another.

He has an appointment for individual council and says he is committed to working through this together (I guess he decided the grass wasn't greener).

It seems that all that can be done is being done.

But, I've just looked at your "is the relationship worth saving" bit on this site and my answers are consistently "we used to."

I'm wondering what your thoughts are on relationships that were once very strong that got put on hold to have kids with the understanding that we'd give ourselves to our kids and look forward to reconnecting and travelling together when they weren't quite so tiny and helpless.

My husband and I are both in our early 30's and our kids are very young (2 1/2 and 8 mos.).

Response:

Research consistently shows that having kids puts an enormous strain on a relationship. All the energy and effort that once went into making the relationship work gets spent on taking care of the kids. Couples report having less time for each other and more stress to deal with.

And it is not unusual for people, who are experiencing less satisfaction in their relationship, to turn elsewhere for love and affection (see, who is likely to cheat).

On a positive note, relationships can become stronger after the discovery of infidelity, as long as couples address their problems and are committed to making things work (see, surviving infidelity).

So to answer your question - it is possible for couples regain what was lost. But, it takes a lot of extra energy and effort to turn things around. The loss of trust, feelings of betrayal, and negativity will not go away without a lot of work.

Although this may not help you right now, it is important to work at maintaining a healthy relationship, rather than letting things deteriorate and then trying to save a marriage.

The best way to keep a relationship on track is to spend time doing enjoyable activities together (see, Aron and Aron). This can be hard for couples with young children, but it is important from the perspective of maintaining a healthy relationship (see, healthy relationships).

We hope this helps.

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