Here's my story... I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years now. Before we started dating, I was seeing one of his friends, and he was trying desperately to get me to see him instead. Finally, I realized that I did want to be with him and I left his friend for him.

The first year of our relationship was perfect... everything seemed to be working great for both of us. I never suspected that he was ever lying to me, he was very supportive, reassuring, and I trusted him with all my heart.

We never fought... until after the first year of our relationship. He began getting VERY "annoyed" and acted hostile towards me (but still said that he loved me more than anything). We would fight about the most RIDICULOUS things- and he started being very controlling.

I wasn’t even able to go shopping with a female friend without him accusing me of being with other guys and lying to him, when clearly I wasn’t doing ANYTHING wrong. Issues like this happened every time I even left my house with someone else. However, I never spent time with any other guy besides him. How could he think I was seriously lying/cheating when there is never any proof?

But despite the fact that he didn’t want me hanging out with my friends, he continued to go out with his almost every night. He never wanted to invite me, and when I would call him he almost never answered and would call me back about 20 minutes later. He seemed very sketchy at times and seemed like he was hiding something. He also went to parties without me knowing, and was drinking with other girls. Should I be suspicious? Also, does this seem wrong; he can go out and do whatever he wants, but I can’t even leave my house without being yelled at?

Another issue is smoking and drugs/alcohol. I have had my share of problems with these things, and have permanently quit because of it. He was on probation for a year and just got off 6 months ago. Since then, he has gone back to smoking weed and drinking. I don’t like this, but he won’t stop for me. He says he loves me and will do anything for me, but why is this so important to him? I can’t stand it.

Lately he has been saying he might not be able to stay with me because he can’t trust me. I have never given him any reason not to trust me... how can I do anything behind his back if I never leave my house unless it’s with him?? Problems/fights over this come up probably about 3-5 times a week.

The two of us are of course happy the rest of the time... and are very affectionate and intimate/emotional with each other.

But is it worth being together if we are angry more then we are happy? We have sat down and had MANY "talks" about all of these problems... we will talk, supposedly work things out, but then its the same cycle over and over again and absolutely nothing changes.

He is the first person I’ve been with that I actually have real feelings for and care about… I feel really attached to him and every time I try to break it off with him I can’t do it. I look at him and literally melt/breakdown and just can’t dump him and move on.

Is this relationship worth saving?

Response:

The first year of any romantic relationship is never an indicator of how things will turn out. The start of a relationship tends to be novel, exciting and fun. People are on their best behavior and couples fill in the missing gaps they have about each other with what they want to believe (see, self deception).

Over time, however, people begin to act in more self-serving ways. And the illusions people create about their partners often become challenged by reality. If you had a dollar for every relationship that was perfect during the first year, but ended in misery, you’d be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.

Unfortunately, most couples form a deep attachment to each other at the start of a relationship – when things are easy and fun (see, romantic attachments). But, as time goes on and relationships begin to take a turn for the worse, attachments can still remain strong. Because emotional attachments remain strong, despite whether people are happy or not, it can be extremely painful to leave a bad relationship – doing so is filled with loss, anxiety, and uncertainty. With this in mind, it is always important to be very careful about who you form an attachment to because they are not easily undone.

Furthermore, once negativity and conflict get their foothold in a relationship, they can be difficult to contain. And getting into fights about “ridiculous” issues often indicates that the real issue is not being addressed – that your relationship has become fight over who is in control (see, relationship dynamics).

If this is the case, it is best to talk directly about the issue of control, rather than pick fights in an attempt to show who is in charge. Control issues do not get resolved unless they are directly addressed, and even that may not resolve the problem.

And the use of double standards also suggests that there is a struggle for control. Relationships work best when they are based on respect and equality (see, healthy relationships). Double standards are a means by which people take advantage of someone else – they are exploitative and they demonstrate a lack of respect.

It is also essential that couples share important goals and priorities. So, if you have given up drugs and alcohol and your boyfriend has not, this issue will be constant source of irritation and frustration, for both of you.

Your boyfriend’s lack of trust is also problematic. It is impossible to have a close, healthy relationship without trust (see, rebuilding trust). And if you have not done anything to raise doubts, your boyfriend’s lack trust could be part of his personality (see, attachment styles) or it could stem from his own behavior. People, who betray their partner’s trust, often have a difficult time trusting their partners. Distrusting individuals often assume that their partner’s behavior must be similar to their own.

Taking everything together – control issues, double standards, important differences, a lack of trust - it is no wonder that your relationship is marked by constant fighting and negativity. And although you mention that there are good times in your relationship, for a relationship to work, the good times must far outweigh the bad times. Research shows that there has to be a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions for a relationship to succeed (see, Gottman). In other words, for every negative incident, there must be 5 equally positive events, otherwise, couples end up being miserable.

You say that you and your boyfriend talk about problems, but they keep reoccurring. Generally, this indicates that 1) the real issues are not being addressed, 2) that there is no real commitment to change, 3) that you are not effectively dealing with the problems you have, 4) or that it just wasn’t meant to be.

Is your relationship worth saving? Only you can answer that question, but we have provided some issues to consider as you work through that decision (see, relationship worth saving).

Finally, some people are willing to stay in a bad relationship because they are so afraid of being alone (see, anxious attachment). If that describes you, then we suggest talking to a counselor (see, emotional support). Fear of being alone often leads to people being repeatedly exploited and used when it comes to love. If you suspect that may be part of the problem, addressing that issue now will help you in the long run.

Hope this helps.

Comments (11)

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YOU DESERVE BETTER!
written by beyza , 01 February, 2007

What initially attracts to another is our ability to bond and connect with that individual on a spiritual level. Sometimes a look can tell our partner that we are hurt,sad,angry, happy and "naughty".. Think of all the reasons you are with this person. What is that he offers you that you think another man cannot? Do you wake up in the morning thinking I am happy or what can I do not to trigger an argument or a fight. If the relation lacks honesty, then there is something missing in this relationship puzzle and unless all the pieces are there, it is not a complete picture. Write the pros and cons with being with him, if the cons outweigh the pros, then you have nothing to loose - just get out. What would you say to your mother if your father was abusing her, or your sister or friend was in the same situation? Don't forget you are someones loved one too. You do not need anyone to tell you you are a human being AND deserves romance and happiness laughter all that is good, not a relationship that is heading towards a dead end. YOU DESERVE BETTER! Love is magic not tolerance and heartache!

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written by mimi , 24 April, 2007

I think you should bail out from the relationship. you both are not growing... sometimes you need to let go to give yourself a chance to grow. Be fair to yourself. I think you really deserve better.

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written by eddie , 13 June, 2007

Control issues can be very degrading and ruin love. His issue may be his personal issue, and if he cant see that its hurting you/love, he may lose you. Try spending some time apart (if you're not living together), and let him see what his life is like without you. Or, if living together, let him know you are at your wits end and are seriously considering moving out/ending the relationship. It is important that he feels this is a true resolve, and not another control game. If he regrets and comes back towards you, you can do something... if he is going to sulk hoping you'll come back on your words... this situation will just continue. Do yourself a favour and stop it now, so the rest of your time isn't wasted - spent either resolving to love better together from this point forward if he comes back toward you, or you making an earlier recovery of yourself and your self-esteem sooner than later i.e. ending this relationship.

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written by Ange. , 17 December, 2007

I wouldn't lie to yourself anymore. You are in love with a control freak, and a person who sounds like he has some serious addictions. Unless he gets help and proves to you he is, you will carry on this way.
If you love yourself enough then you must leave this relationship.

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written by Vanessa C , 05 June, 2008

Oh my god. Reading this was like reading about my own relationship that I am just now finally ending. After two years I realized that even though I never do anything to not be trusted, he will never trust me. He will always be controlling, irrationally jealous and pick fights with me over petty things. The only thing different about my situation was that he never went out with his friends and just stayed at home all the time. Every single thing he did was a manipulation or a mind game of some kind. He eventually made it so that I turned my back on all my friends, family, and things I enjoy doing so that all of my focus was on him. And even once it was, and I lived just for contact and time with him, he still suspected me constantly, broke into my facebook account, always acting in ways that were quizzical and borderline shady. But when things were good, it was the most loving, intimate, supportive and amazing relationship I'd ever been in. I tried to leave him about 10 different times in the past two years, I even left him for 4 months last year and then got back together with him because I loved him and missed him so much. Anyways one of the things you will notice is that if you do decide to leave him, you will gradually start to feel like yourself again, and any time you have to deal with him or have any contact, you will feel so much stress and anxiety and realize that was how you constantly felt when you were together. This heightened state of fear and anxiety you are kept in from their unpredictability is what makes you so easy to control and manipulate and feel weak so that you do not leave. Once you leave and you start feeling naturally well and happy all the time, and that is a much happier way to live. I know how hard it is to leave as it feels like the hardest thing ive ever done in my entire life, but it is mostly infatuation.

One last thing: Close your eyes and picture him.

Was he smiling or did he look angry/intimidating?

Run girl! run!

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written by coccinelle , 25 January, 2009

I cannot believe - that's exactly what was happening to me for the past 6 months. We just broke up. He made me not talk to my friends, quit my job cuz he was jealous of it. He made me turn against everyone so that I'd be submissive only to him. Truth is I was so scared of him in the end, I lost my self esteem and self confidence whereas I'm very sociable, have a great career, and love art and other things, he forbid me to perform my contemporary dance shows and kept on demeaning me saying I'm a bad dancer or that I'm fat), and I believed everything he said. In the end, he blamed me for everything HE did. Picked up fights every 3 days to tell me he can't trust me even tho I'm home or with a girlfriend and her family having lunch and HE KNOWS it cuz I asked him previously if I could go. Black mailing me to leave me cuz I broke his trust when I'm or at work or simply waiting for his call when he's not answering mine back!!! Always trying to show he's on top and controlling me. But the truth is when I was on top and working and not caring he loved me more or cuz he couldn't have power over me. And when I became nice and scared and obeying to his capricious desires that's when he started telling me that he has problems with my past and that he's not sure whether he can go through with this or not.. and every time I left him he did everything to get me back, from love messages to hatred ones saying I'm the meanest person and people have warned him against me and it made me feel guilty all the time getting back to him and saying sorry!!! It was a vicious circle.. horrible feeling of constant guilt, never secure of his unpredictable trust issues that appeared suddenly to scare me. I wasn't happy I was scared all the time but I loved him so much and I miss him, but I have to b strong because he's not good for me. He even makes me feel like I'm not a good girl because I had someone before him.. he hurt me too much.. AND HE was also into drugs!! I went down the drains with him, losing my job, friends, my self esteem, taking drugs, being treated like a carpet and accepting it.. LEAVE HIMMMM

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written by helenita , 15 June, 2009

this relationship won't working out, i don't feel sorry for you because we have choice!!!! be honest with yourself - move on for good and you will not regret it in the future. love your self girl!!!!!

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written by kingster , 17 September, 2011

hiya reading all these have helped me massively. im thinking of leaving my bf although i would feel better he cheated on me cos he is so controlling and jealous of everything. he is always accusing me of cheating through text and verbal abuse. i cant take it anymore but i cant seem to leave cos he wont let me go when i want to. i have tried everything such as telling him i cheated on him when i havent but nothing works i just want to be on own as life atm is shit. i want to live my life for me not anyone else. we dont live together although i stay at his flat and pretty much do everything for him except cooking lol. i need help? any ideas how i can get him to end it.

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written by destiny415 , 16 November, 2011

Reading this helps me feel better, like I am not the only one. I was with my ex boyfriend for four years. The first year was fine, we were happy and we both thought we were perfect for each other. Then I started to notice his personality changing. He started to get jealous of my guy friends, but I could not understand why because he had met all of them. He would get mad at me when I went out, so I stopped. But it was ok for him to go out with his family and friends. He also kept changing his mind. One day he misses me and wants me to spend time with him and when I do, he turns around and wants his space. When I was not working he would complain about me just going to school and not doing anything. That I should get a job, but when I did he complained about me not being able to see him and that I work to much. He also did not like the fact that I was making more money than him. He would always put me down and made me feel like I was not good enough for him, and he would compare me to his ex. I did everything for him just to get his approval. I cooked, cleaned, did his homework, let him use my car to go to work. But no matter what I did, it was wrong. I changed myself just so I can make him happy, and I did everything he said. Every time he was upset with someone or something he would that it out on me. We were fighting everyday about everything. Even when I try to talk to him calmly and nicely, he would just start bringing up stuff from the past. When he say something hurtful to me it was ok, but when I do it to him it was like the end of the world. He always kept a grudge about every single thing I did wrong. It seem to me that he liked to see me cry and hurt my feelings. I have tried to walk away many times, but he always says I'm sorry or manipulates me to come back. He also cheated on me with his coworker. He said it was my fault because I was complaining to much and that I was not paying enough attention to him anymore. So I left, but when I did he came crawling back saying he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But we started to get worst because he started to physical. But it was only 2-3 times at different times through out the four years. He would hit me with pillows, push me and grab my wrist. But when he realize what he did he would hug me and say he was sorry and that it was my fault because I made him mad and I believed him. One night when he and his family were drinking they decided to wrestle. His brother thought it would be fun if my ex and I wrestle too. He is 6 ft and 200 something pounds and I am 5 ft and 110lb. So we did I was winning, and I guess he couldn't handle it because he picked me up and slammed me to the floor. His brother and nephews were like why would you do that, one of his nephew ran to the living room and told everyone what he did and when they asked him he proudly said yea. I did not know what happened. I could not walk away from him anymore. He broke me down I like my self esteem, my body figure, my friends, and my happiness. The last straw was the second time he cheated on me. This time he said I was cheating on him and that I complain so much and that he was not happy in the relationship. He was drunk at the time when I asked him about him cheating one me, he punched me. Then he made the comment "O I was suppose to hit you in the eye". I was so scared that I broke up with him and left. A week after I broke up with him he already has a new girl friend. (The girl he cheated on me with the 2nd time) This killed me inside, because I felt like I was nothing to him. I did everything for him and he just threw me away like I was trash.

It's been 3 months now and I am happy. I found myself again. I still miss him, but I think it is more like I miss having a "boyfriend" than him. He is still with the new girl friend but a month or two ago he text me and told me "he feels bad talking to her because all his feelings are with me. And that she is sort of like me and that she can not get upset with him talking to me because they are just talking and not official". I am happy that I finally broke away from him and now I realize I deserved so much better. I am stronger now and will not let a man change me or abuse me ever again.

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written by Khalidd , 21 January, 2012

I would like just to comment on this sentence, which I am against. "Control issues do not get resolved unless they are directly addressed, and even that may not resolve the problem."

I believe any problem is solvable, maybe not in this way, but am sure it would be solved in other ways too.
This sentence may make others pessimistic, its better to say it in other ways

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written by dennise , 28 April, 2012

I have learned a lot by reading this I use to be in a relationship with this girl that was really jealous an controlling. But know it seems like I'm like that with my gf right now I just have a very hard time trusting her. I work I go to school I pay the rent I do everything for her but she tell is me I'm controlling her that she's not herself I feel like she likes some one else i don't know if its me or if she really is doing something bad I need help

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