I am basically sure what’s going on. I can almost bet the farm that my live-in boyfriend is cheating.

I catch him in lies constantly, he’s gone 98% of the time and recently this week alone 3 nights and going on the 4 he’s been gone all night with lame excuses why and also he’s very defensive when I question him about his whereabouts etc. like he'll get mad and yell at me for asking or hell hang up on me if I’m asking when he’s out.

I already know the answer; I just don’t understand why he does this when I give him everything from sex to emotional support, cook, clean, etc.

Response:

Does your boyfriend attend to your needs the same way that you attend to his needs?

If not, then perhaps your boyfriend probably doesn't view you as his equal. Most people want to date someone who is their equal (see, healthy relationships).

Taking care of a partner’s needs is critical in a relationship, but it isn’t enough to make a relationship work. Equality and companionship are just as important (see, my husband is having a midlife crisis and love is driving me crazy).

When inequality exists, the person who has everything given to them starts to feel that they can do better. The implicit reasoning goes something like this: If you do everything for me, but I don’t do the same for you, then I’m better than you, and I should really be with someone who is on my same level. After all, why would I want to date someone who is not my equal?

And relationships work the best when people are best friends. So, while you do everything for your boyfriend, does he enjoy your company? If your boyfriend had to pick one person to spend the day with, would it be you? Companionship, a deep connection and a genuine friendship, is what keeps couples together in the long run (see, romantic attachments and worth saving).

Taking care of a partner’s needs is important, but only when relationships are based on equality and a genuine liking. Otherwise, partners are tempted to stray (see, likely to cheat).

Again, doing everything for a partner doesn't make a relationship work - equality and companionship are much more important factors to consider. And these factors are difficult to fix when they are missing. Equality and companionship are best solved by picking a suitable partner rather than trying to establish equality and companionship in an existing relationship.

We wish we had more encouraging advice to offer.

Comments (7)

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written by ashly , 04 June, 2007

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 years. Up until a few months ago he has changed for the worst. He doesn't call me for hours on end, dosen't answer his phone, treats me with no respect at all, lies to me about every thing. I could go on but I just know in the bottom of my heart that he is cheating, but I need some advice. It's just like he woke up one morning and didn't want to be happy with me. Like he's not even interested in sex any more. A few months ago he wouldn't leave me alone but now its 1 or 2 a week if I'm lucky. Do you think he's cheating or does he not want to be with me?

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written by sal , 19 January, 2008

It seems that he may be cheating. Maybe you should break up so that you can find some peace of mind.

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written by Kaitlyn R. , 28 March, 2009

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 5 months and I just moved away with my grand parent but as I was leaving he told me that he was gonna spend so much time with me, he only spent time with his friends and then he barely calls me anymore and so if I call him we talk for 3 minutes which is bull because he says hes tired or all of a sudden he has to go somewhere and he never does that. I think hes cheating on me, he always says hes sorry and that he loves me but to me I don't think he does. Do you think I should break up with him? or stay with him and talk it over with him?

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written by venus , 15 September, 2009

Boys will be boys, it doesn't matter if your the best looking gal or have more money then the rest...They like to venture in their teen years and adolescent years. Young women find Mr. right and are able to settle for him right away BUT! The young man aint gonna be ready for a relationship till he's been through all the BS first he's gotta go through until they are sick and tired of all the drama that comes with being ventures.or until they lose their looks from all the parting..then they are ready to settle down and be for once a real person, but it might be too late by then and you have moved on.

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written by ~*Heidi*~ , 31 December, 2009

As Women we seem to forget who we are and forget to think about what makes us happy and exactly what we want for ourselves. We are so willing to make someone else happy that we overlook the fact that they may not even care to make us happy or really truely LOVE us. Men will say what we want them to say and tell us what they think we want to hear just to avoid confrontation or to shut us up; but the real truth is in their actions. Whatch him..... what does he do..... do his actions say I Love You? Is he treating you like you treat him? Do you treat your best friends like that? Do you lie to your Best friends? Probably not.... so why take it from him???? The more we stand up for ourselves..... the more we break it off the very first time we are disrespected and the more we start taking care of our needs first... the more the men will come around. I have experienced this first hand many, many times...... Men love the chase and they want to feel like they have the unattainable girl. So be unattainable.... make him feel like he is the one that slipped through the cracks. You do this by being too busy for him.... take up a hobby.... go to the gym.... don't answer his calls all the time...... don't talk on the phone with him for hours.... be busy.... think about what you like to do, what you dream about.... attain your goals and the RIGHT guy for you will come along.... and when you have him... you still can never forget to make yourself happy! Always be honest with yourself and with your man. But DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOURSELF! Then you just make sure that the guy you choose to spend your time with truly Loves, Honors, and Respects you....if not, Choose not to waste anymore of your precious time on him. A womans heart is very very deep...... you can love again and again.... each one more so than the last....... even if you are reading this right now saying yeah right I can never love like this again..... trust me honey I have been in your shoes..... YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN!

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written by oriana , 13 February, 2012

thanks so much heidi! great point brought tears to my eyes been going through soo much with my children's father just seems so hopeless sometimes! it's very true i've definitely been giving to much of myself to him over the years it's like i've lost myself along the way forgot the wonderful smart woman i used to be really needed this tonight thanks for your advice!!

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written by JillN , 02 April, 2012

Wow, heidi you really opened my eyes. Thank you.

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