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We were together for 13 years; I’m older by 9 years. I was 30 and out of a marriage to a serial cheater for 6 years, I left him and started a life on my own. I then met “F” and he was just going on 21 years old. I told him about my marriage and he said he would never do that to me, that he prided himself on his honesty and I made him promise that if at any one time he found someone else, to just let me know and I’ll let go. So, we were basically happy all those years, we lived together and I paid for everything mostly because he was launching his business. When I hit my 40’s, I was becoming premenopausal and told him so. He suggested that perhaps we should get married and hurry to have children and I was skeptical about it but was hopeful. We tried for a little time but then I started noticing his lack of interest in me once he knew the clock was ticking but I put it down to me being sensitive and the hormones.
Well, my intuition was correct, on Halloween 3 years ago we went out to a party with his friends and my friends and one of my friends reported seeing him kiss “H”, a co-worker. When I asked directly, he said she made the play for him and that my friend didn’t see him pushing her away and that “H” was tipsy. After the party, we went back to my apartment and he brought “H” with him. All my friends saw them together and I was humiliated. I confronted him and with dignity let the relationship go. He went to live with his father and I had to move out of my apartment. He asked me if I could hold his “things” and at that time, I was just so sad I agreed to it.
Here it is 3 years later, he’s still with “H”, they look happy on facebook, and they even went to Paris together though he’s never traveled with me. Also, when I had to move, I suggested we move to a particular area and he didn’t want to, now he has moved there with “H.” I’ve had a new boyfriend since then, we’ve been together a while but I feel like I just can’t give like I use to, I still have too much anger, mistrust and disappointed with life.
I’m so bitter that I can’t have children now, “F’s” business is doing well, he’s with the woman he cheated on me with, and they’ve moved in together and are traveling. He’s been calling me night and day for his “things” which are 2 painting and a candelabra. One of the paintings I’ve had on my walls for the past 3 years and really don’t wish to give to him. I feel if I give him these things that I’m rewarding him for being such a heel. Also, I paid for everything while he was starting up his business. He’s been keeping in contact with me for the past 3 years but I get the distinct feeling that he’s been doing that so that his “things” will be safe. I don’t care if I don’t hear from him again, I’m sure either way, I won’t. If I give him his “things” he has no reason to call me. If I don’t give him his “things” then again, he has no reason to call me.
I always thought what goes around comes around, that it wasn’t my place to judge, but it seems like cheating and lying has done him very good in life. Meanwhile, I will die without any children to care for me. I just feel like life is not fair and I’m very depressed and it’s getting harder and harder to keep a happy face and to be content with my life.
Should I just give him his “things” and forget about it, or should I explain why I don’t wish to? I just feel that I’ve paid for so much while we were together that the least I can have are these paintings that I’ve enjoyed for 3 years.
Response:
Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, it is all too common.
At an unconscious level, men and women get along better in long-term relationships when men are older than the women they date. This is especially true once women hit a certain age. For the most part, men are attracted to women who display signs of fertility (youth), even though they may not be interested in having children. The fact that your younger boyfriend lost interest in you when you hit menopause is not that surprising.
And one of the worst ways to predict what people are going to do is to listen to what people say they are going to do. Few people understand what motivates their behavior or how their motivations and interests may change over time.
The best way to understand relationships is by studying them. Most people act in very predictable ways, even though they have no idea of what they are doing.
Unfortunately, knowing this now is of little use. The damage has already been done.
So, how can you make the best of this situation?
Our best advice is to give him his stuff back (or get rid of it somehow). Keeping it will only serve as a reminder of what happened. And if you can, break off all contact with him - continued contact with him will only bring back all of those feelings of resentment and betrayal.
It will also help if you write him one last letter telling him exactly how you feel. Expressing your feelings will help you move beyond them. If you can find a way to express your feelings and break all contact with him, you will most likely find yourself thinking more about the future and less about the past.
Hope this helps.
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