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written by jayl , 24 October, 2008

I'm in almost the exact same situation. My wife decided years ago that her feeling for me were over, but she didn't bother telling me, just waited in silence and stayed for the kids. I sensed her distance, tried to understand, but ended up just keeping my distance in naive hope that she would eventually come back to me. Of course, my patient waiting just solidified her (lack of) feelings for me. Four years ago she had an affair, which tore me apart and woke me up, and I made major changes in my attitude and behavior to prove that I could be the kind of guy she could love. I was persistent but patient, and four years later (now) she admits she is having another affair, this one just emotional (which I believe), but she finds ways to see him. Now I'm getting frustrated, and my jealously is starting to well up. She finally acceded to counseling, but only to placate me. She stands firm in her belief that there is no future for us whatsoever, and she wants to still stay for the kids, but is impatient to start her 'new life' away from me. I ask, argue, beg and plead for her to give our relationship one last chance, but she'll have nothing to do with it. The counselor suggests separation, but based on what she is saying I don't think that she would ever return if she left, so I'm ready to end it with her. But, I still love her deeply, I really believe that we could work it out, and want for her so much to remain for us, for me, for the kids, and frankly for herself. But she is stubborn, and done. I won't leave because I don't want to be apart - she does. And she won't leave because she can't support herself adequately, and wants to stay for the kids. In the meantime, I sleep next to a woman I love deeply but cannot touch in any manner. My heart is sick, my heart is sad, and I feel like the victim of an attack, but the attacker is my wife. But I really do love her, and cannot even fathom taking my feelings for her the same place she has taken her feelings for me. I am ready for her to leave... it's this limbo we are in now that is driving me crazy. I don't want to leave her or the kids...she want to leave me, but not the kids, and feels a slave to my financial support, which I'm sure adds to her resentment of me. The counselor suggests things, but any that even remotely allow for any degree of reconciliation she rejects out of hand. This is miserable, but I also can't imagine not loving her. I can imagine the immediate future experiencing her rejection every day, but I cannot imagine living and being with her and not loving her.

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written by Chris R , 04 February, 2009

I'm in the same boat!!!

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written by Shaun , 05 February, 2009

I have recently gone through the same thing with my wife. I will tell you that being nice with her will not fix your problem. People that behave like this are not nice people and you can't fix anything by letting them walk all over you.

You have to stand-up for yourself, first she's the one who should move out,(unless there are children) not you, she the one committing adultery. Don't play the victim here,you need to be tough and firm with her and do what's in your best interest. Believe me if you let her, she will walk all over you!

You can't win a women back by letting her abuse you,she will either come to her senses,which you would be better if she doesn't, even though it my not feel that way your right now, you are probably better off without her.

I got my wife back by fighting back, and now I'm the one thinking about a divorce because it has open my eyes to what a horrible person she really is.

You need respect to have love in a relationship,which she is not giving you!

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written by WTF , 22 February, 2009

I too am living and feeling the same. My wife had been cheating on me for a year and it would have gone longer if i did not find out. she said that since i did not meet her womanly needs that she felt in love with a co-worker that was also married and having issues at home. She confessed and she filed for divorced. I still love her and want to make it work but she told me that she had blocked me out from her life a long time ago but she was giving me false hopes about our marriage. Now, I'm dealing with my pain and feeling for myself and accepting the fault of not giving her the attention she needed. I'm trying to be strong but when see her I just want to make it work but i to get the cold shower. I guess, if they have decided to move on without us, we don't have a fighting change of fixing the marriage for both me and my kids.

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written by kman , 28 February, 2009

Me too! My wife is leaving me and I am devastated. I thought we would be together forever - our bond couldn't be broken but it has. This is a tough time - especially since we have two young daughters - but I'm on a ride I don't want to be on and there are no brakes. It makes me very sad.

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written by Sumiati , 04 March, 2009

I'm wife,
I feel I am cheating.
The problem with my married, cos we're married cos i was pregnant not because I love him. When I knew him I was with some one else, which U loved him, but he's far away, I might worried that he will left me alone. So I opened my relation with someone else, but we're going to far. And know we married.
Our life OK,no conflict (I can say too quite) he just not romantic to me, he prefer to spend his time on his hobbies (comp and gardening) rather spend time with me. Romantic for him just if he want to end it in the bed.
I want him treat me as a woman, not as his mom that take care of everything.
He left everything by my self alone. Difficult for us to have long conversation, most of the time it just me talk, and he listen while watching TV give short comment.
Now I met with my ex boy friend through internet. We still love each other.
I feel alive with him. He treat me very well even only by mail.
I don't want to cheat.But I feel very dry in our marriage.
I had talk to my husband, ask him to give more attention and give more romance to me. But he just say he will try, which for me he never really try. Everything just back as usual.
Help me, I love both of them. But If I have to stop my relation with my ex boy friend, I'll be very lonely.

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written by mt1 , 10 March, 2009

My wife left me for another woman. One evening she came home and informed me that "she wasn't very happy the way things were going and that she was going to move in with this woman".
I had known about this woman for about a year but found that I was powerless to stop the situation developing.
During the aftermath I was shocked and crushed by the verbal attacks that my wife made upon virtually every aspect of my life. At the time she left we had known each other for more than thirty years.
I truly believed that our relationship was solid and that we both held the same values.
I always felt that I could rely on her and knew that she could always rely on me.
I was so wrong. It seems that it had really always been a one-way deal.
For weeks I only slept for about two hours each night.
I remember my lowest point was when the pair of them went to Egypt for the longest week of my life.
I fought to get her back.I used all the techniques that this other woman had used - especially email,text and flowers of course.
My problem is that all this happened over six years ago and there's still not a day goes by when I don't re-run the terrible things that my wife said and did to me.
I have also learned many lessons including that when someone deceives you, lies to you and sets out to break your heart - that's exactly what happens.
I have also learned that it makes you question everything that was ever said to you.
Even though we are back together I have come to the conclusion that it will never be the same again.
The truth is that for my wife it never was.
If I had to use a single word to describe how I feel towards my wife - that word would be "disappointment"
I feel empty and see little point to anything except my two sons who mean the world to me. I truly do not know how I would've managed or even survived without them.
I wish you all the best for the future and hope that you can find that the peace of mind that I have lost forever

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written by lisa lowe , 22 March, 2009

its so sad, that these husband leave their wifes of cheater, on them they not real man at all

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written by Dylan Mckay , 27 March, 2009

I truly feel all of your pain. My wife handed me the 'I love you but am not in love with you' line. Soon after I found out about an affair with an old school friend. Its been 6 weeks since this all started and I feel like its a dream. I have already met with Lawyers and am ready for Divorce. She says she has no interest in working on the marriage which I tried to get her to do for weeks.You have to move on quickly... Its so hard to do but if she has cheated and is not truly working on your marriage you have to get out. The work you put in will never be enough and she will have you back in this place within a year. Do not get strung along. It is a big beautiful world out there and we ALL deserve someone to love us and someone to trust!

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written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 16 April, 2009

I'm so glad for these posts. I'm going through the same thing as the rest of you. jted's advice is probably the best. Even though I knew early on the details as she was acting suspiciously; she continues even today that she hasn't cheated on me.

I watched our three boys (6, 4, 1) an entire Saturday for her after a long business trip with her boss, only to find out she had a rendezvous of an unknown nature with him during that time. She claims 'I don't love you anymore', then followed up with abuse allegations, even threatening criminal charges; this after she moved out and left me caring for home and boys.

It moves so fast. She refused repeated pleas to go to marriage counseling since day 3 after I found out. It's been about 25 days and she's moved out, and behind my back, opened a separate bank account, moved her direct deposit, swiped our tax return, hired a lawyer, filed for divorce, and continue to go out on dates. Even during all this deception I held out my hand and kept the door open. Last night she claimed she wasn't cheating, despite ample evidence from texts and e-mails. That was the last straw. LoNe is right. You can't possibly be nice: they've already checked out and are on a different emotional plane. I bought her flowers multiple times to win her back with gentleness only to have her text "Ugh. He's being nice again." or "Great, he bought my flowers. I just said, 'Thanks.'" to her would be Romeo. The cheater will tell themself all sorts of lies to justify their need for a "fresh start".

Move on. The sooner, the better.

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written by neverneverland , 25 April, 2009

I just wanted to say that as a woman, it was very enlightening for me to read these posts, written by men, men who sound not only intelligent and thoughtful, but also very loving and compassionate. I am very touched. I am a divorce statistic. I cheated on my ex...gave myself all sorts of reasons, and they not only seemed valid and overwhelming at the time but were also encouraged and approved by my surrounding friends and family. He was the "bad guy," and i was just the misunderstood black sheep of the family - his (French) family that i would never measure up to.

Truth is, we had major incompatibilities that were complicated with a twin-birth nine months after our honeymoon. And he never truly separated from his first love (his mother) to truly bond with me. He was critical, yes, but i was way over-sensitive and hyper emotional. I was, in fact, the perfect prey for some nice, understanding guy to move in and capitalize on the situation.

Yep, watch out for these guys, and don't become one yourself. He gave me the hours of conversation and attention i was craving. He "got" me whereas my ex was always criticizing or trying to change me. They actually thought they could turn me, an American girl, into a French woman. Impossible.

So, i drank to ease myself into cheating, to escape. And it was horrible. One year of confusion and chaos, involving liaisons with even other men, led to losing not only the privelege of living in my country of birth, but also the privelege of seeing my kids grow up on a day-to-day basis.

This was ten years ago. And now i find myself in another romantic snafu. It has been very eye opening, for i see that i, and i alone, have attracted this into my life. I am the only one responsible for my suffering. I am the only one who can liberate myself from the underlying causes. It helps to be aware of the dynamics. And not blame someone else.

That is why i felt compelled to comment, to say that i was touched by the level of compassion seen here in these posts, and to let men know that it can be quite a revelation to know that your male hearts and minds are not always encumbered by the all-powerful testosterone quotient. I believe now, that by releasing the prejudice that all men are dogs and bastards, that i can release myself from my own b.s. and maybe one day free myself to love, wholely and courageously. If i had had this wholeness before, i would have never caused the destruction to begin with.

We all want to be loved, male or female. Thank you guys, for sharing...it's wonderful to see...i have a son as well as a daughter...love...that is the most important though sometimes difficult lesson to teach.

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written by Gaby33 , 25 April, 2009

Well my situation is pretty similar, the only difference is that I am the one who is not loved anymore and the worst part is that there is not cheating issues between us... He just says that he doesnt see a future together (after seven years. I am devastated, living with him because I can't support myself financially...this is really bad...I can't see my husband turning into my roommate...

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written by Frank , 29 April, 2009

Wow, nothing I can add to this. I'm too distraught. So I guess I just say that this page helped me tonight. So many of you seem to know and understand the same situation that I am going through.

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written by Chad in Ky , 03 May, 2009

My wife too. Told me she isn't in love with me anymore but that she loves/cares for me.
I'd like to know how you find out if she opened up a separate bank account???
I want to be married 50 years to this woman but I can't force her love. I've changed and she says "but for how long?" I feel different. I want to be that man she wants me to be but have gut feeling that won't be enough.

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written by Texas08 , 03 May, 2009

Holidays 08, 12 years of promises of forever and I would never hurt you. She helped me raise my 2 kids. We did everything imaginable. The intimacy was incredible, we both loved to cook, never a night without saying I love you. The spontaneity was there, trips to the hill country, coast, acting like teenagers, I'm 47 she is 44. Paid for her plastic surgery for her 40th, paid for her real estate school, what ever she fancied. She asked for a divorce over the thanksgiving holiday, had me move out on the 20th of Dec haven't heard from her since then, divorce was finalized on the 14 of Jan 09, she had her lawyer rush it through. It was confirmed by some friends that she is in fact involved with one of her clients. 10 years older & more money. You don't realize at the time just how pathetic and shallow some people become. By the way, there were the usual accusations on the way out, none of which were true. These women will do anything in their power to justify their selfishness. All one can do is sincerely hope that one day reality slaps them in the face. We, the innocent, have to remain strong for our well being, throw some prayer in there, read some books, find someone to talk to and keep walking forward. Under no circumstances do anything stupid, much less sink down to their level. I read this somewhere. "there is nothing wonderful about a person who pursues someone that is married, much less a person that is married pursuing someone outside of their marriage" Remember that, it has helped me at moments, there is absolutely nothing wonderful about them.
I could keep writing, but,to keep it simple, it really was a great relationship, she even acknowledged it, "It was something once, just not now" One of her last text msgs.

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written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 16 May, 2009

I wrote earlier and I appreciate the neverneverland's perspective. There's a book called 'how to improve your marriage without talking about it' where there's a chapter detailing what leads to the affair and how rationality is completely out the window at that point. There are a few other books from the woman's perspective concerning oxytocin, the late 20's and early 30's, all confirming the same thing: her mind is out to lunch. I have not seen a single case to the contrary. Whether or not it's entirely the woman's fault is debatable, but the advice is always the same: once she shuts you out and doesn't want to work on it, move on and fast.

In the past month, I read stack of books about relationships, women, and marriage. I feel I know pretty well what went wrong. In contrast, she hasn't put in an ounce of effort and she'll make the same mistakes in the adulterous relationship that she made in ours. Trust me, guys, focus on yourself and make yourself better. It's over. You have to accept that she is no longer the woman you knew or the woman you loved. Constrain your regret to help you with the next relationship instead of focusing on a lost cause. I know this now. I tried everything. If you do the same, you'll just end up being hurt repeatedly.

To illustrate how surreal things can get. My wife is out with her boss, taking our kids to his church while both of them lie to the pastor (technically her boss' boss) about their relationship. When she first moved out, she demands the kids, threatening to bring up a history of battery against her and the kids (playing victim). Then, she doesn't come visit the kids for awhile (she "moved to her mom's"; I'm basically watching all three boys while she's getting laid). Now, she wants the kids again, perhaps because the battery lie she told the pastor probably wouldn't fly since the kids have stayed with me for 2 months now. This is not the person I married 9 years ago. SHUT HER OUT now and prepare to make yourself the most eligible bachelor on the block. My counselor said it best: the battle lines are drawn whether you like it or not. Our settlement is this Wednesday...CA makes filing easy (which sucks for the dumped, the victim, the cuckold), but then the dissolution lasts like six months (which sucks for the dumped, the victim, the cuckold if they are religious and view themselves as still being married and ineligible to date).

Some passing advice:
1. Get a counselor NOW. Some employers have and Employee Assistance Program through benefits which can provide you counseling for free.
2. Consult a lawyer and learn the divorce laws of your state. Do not get screwed or caught unprepared. Wife got a lawyer shortly after moving out; if her best friend didn't tell me, I'd be a sitting duck.
3. In CA, divorce is no-fault. Nonetheless, if there are kids involved, I'd hold off on dating for several reasons. First, the kids aren't ready for new adults to appear in their lives; they're not even ready for their parents to split. Second, it could look bad and your cheating wife could use it against you. She probably won't because she doesn't care, but you never know. Finally, you're not emotionally ready for a relationship.
4. Do positive things to sublimate the depression or anger. Exercise (sports, weight lifting, running) is awesome for this. Get back in shape (if you need to) lose fat, build muscle, work on the six-pack. Take the kids out and enjoy their company. Get in touch with an old friend. Build or fix something that you've put off. Start keeping a journal for the future. Go to church if you haven't been in awhile. Volunteer. Fill the void that she left and get something out of it.

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written by p0k , 23 June, 2009

In the same boat guys! What I take from this is use reverse psychology. Do everything that is counter intuitive. Don't call, don't initiate contact (unless you are in counseling).Act like you don't give a s***t. Even though it hurts and believe me it hurts, those are the only tools we have! Work out to release anger, surf, bike, run, punch bags, whatever it takes..it is so soothing, it makes you tired and you fall asleep a lot better! Drink a glass of wine at night, I find it relaxing...
Play it like you don't care (very hard). Do not pick up phone when they call you. Only return phone calls on your own time and not right away...it shows desperation. Go one day at a time, do not romance, be nice, gift, etc...it will make it worse. In my head I keep saying :"F**K IT"..I know something good will come out of this. I went out with friends and I already had women clinging on me because I acted like i did not give a damn about them. I could have gotten laid but I chose not too. I am becoming stronger and stronger every day and it's only been a few weeks. Same will go with your wife! I know she feels depressed some days just like I do. But in the end I will be a winner. I will beat this life challenge! I am a strong, independent man! I didn't want marriage to begin with...Marriage changed me...but the separation can change me back!
Just like a bad investement, cut you losses and exit and don't look back! Another investment will shows its face and it will be a better one.
I have two awesome, amazing boys (7 and and that is all that matter to me! she is not worth my time, my devotion. She does not deserve me. Have her chase different men around, who gives a crap. Have her chase a fairy tale, who gives a crap. Invest in yourself and no one else!!!!!!!
I will have better sex now than ever and the best part of this is I won't even have a commitment!!!! So who is the winner in all of this? Think about it guys, come on!!!
And when she decides to come back a year from now BE STRONG! Have the upper hand this time. Karma is Bitch!

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written by richy boy , 09 July, 2009

this last guy is right you've got to man up and go on. trying to hang on to someone that's already left you fore someone else doesn't work. They have already been using you and that's not going to stop because you steal love her when someone loves you they dont use you tell they get there ducks in a row and then treat you like shit so thay fill like the victim somethings are our fault but when we give it our all and that's not enuff its time to move on because its never going to be anuff my wife went out with her girlfriend one weekend and didn't come back four 3 weeks left the baby with me and came back when I was a sleep took the baby and didn't tell me till 1 week later what happen I almost pulled all my hair out.And two month's latter she came back asking me to fix the car like nothing happen.there is someone out there for me I no its like he said Ive got to be the best man to find the best women.Its not easy but worth all the effort dont give up there is a lite at the end of tunnel go with and attitude that you just cant Lou's and your going to make it good luck.

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written by Jetdoc , 25 July, 2009

LoNe on 4 Feb and POK 23 June hit the nail on the head, exactly!. Being a victim, allowing ones spouse to walk over them, trying to CHANGE yourself for your spouse will not work. They will only lose more respect for you and realize the man they are cheating with IS the real man, not you! She will walk over you more. However in short order I will 99.9999% promise you this, her affair will end in flames. The problems she has with you will just move over to him.

The problem isn't you, its inside of her and until she realizes that all she is doing is hiding from her own issues she will continue this cycle of trying to find happiness with another man....all the while the happiness she seeks is within herself.

My wife and I have been married 29 years, 2 days ago. Its had its ups and downs, but whenever we would get into a big fight, or had issues similiar to the ones described in here, it was I that had to change. At least thats what my wife had me think. It was I that was wrong, bad, etc, etc.

As our kids got older and became young adults they started to see their mother through the eyes of an adult. They didn't just listen to what she said about me, they saw what was going on and all three started to take my side. They knew I was doing nothing wrong, it was their mom what was whacked.

So I started to feel more confident in myself and realized I am not the bad person here. I did as LoNe and POK said...I stood up and didn't back down. If she isn't happy then SHE can leave. I am doing nothing wrong....I have not and will not, for the past 5 years, back down, say I am sorry over and over, change myself or anything for her or anyone. Now if I did do something wrong I will admit it, but no more backing down or changing, just to make her happy....IT WONT WORK.

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written by ron w , 25 July, 2009

LoNe on 4 Feb and POK 23 June hit the nail on the head, exactly!. Being a victim, allowing ones spouse to walk over them, trying to CHANGE yourself for your spouse will not work. They will only lose more respect for you and realize the man they are cheating with IS the real man, not you! She will walk over you more. However in short order I will 99.9999% promise you this, her affair will end in flames. The problems she has with you will just move over to him.

The problem isn't you, its inside of her and until she realizes that all she is doing is hiding from her own issues she will continue this cycle of trying to find happiness with another man....all the while the happiness she seeks is within herself.

My wife and I have been married 29 years, 2 days ago. Its had its ups and downs, but whenever we would get into a big fight, or had issues similiar to the ones described in here, it was I that had to change. At least thats what my wife had me think. It was I that was wrong, bad, etc, etc.

As our kids got older and became young adults they started to see their mother through the eyes of an adult. They didn't just listen to what she said about me, they saw what was going on and all three started to take my side. They knew I was doing nothing wrong, it was their mom what was wacked.

So I started to feel more confident in myself and realized I am not the bad person here. I did as LoNe and POK said...I stood up and didn't back down. If she isn't happy then SHE can leave. I am doing nothing wrong....I have not and will not, for the past 5 years, back down, say I am sorry over and over, change myself or anything for her or anyone. Now if I did do something wrong I will admit it, but no more backing down or changing, just to make her happy....IT WONT WORK.

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written by Day , 10 August, 2009

i would like to thank every one has posted here. i too am going through the same thing with my wife. she deletes her phone messages and her text like 3 times a day. she says she wants to be apart to clear her head for a few months and she wants ME to move out.well i got into fight with her on the phone(she is out of town right now) and she admitted to seeing some one the past several weeks. will i got news for her i am filing for divorce in the morning. i dont think that this will work out in the end. if she is cheating now....whats to say she wont do it again.

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written by mike in waterloo , 10 September, 2009

Wow-this has been eye opening for me. Thanks everyone. In the same boat-after 22 years and 3 kids (thank God they are older now)my wife has now cheated on me with a professional she used to work with. Of course he is better looking than me, fit and has money. He is married also and it's a friggin mess! His wife just called me and told me some things that just tore my heart out. My problem is, with this economy, my income has plummeted. Between the 2 of us our income is barely enough to survive. She wants to move out and I want her to. However, she doesn't have enough income to do it. So here we are, still living together knowing that she's cheating on me and there's nothing I can do. It's ugly. Any advice out there for this situation?

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written by jasonw , 23 September, 2009

thanks for all the posts, I know how hard it is to tell your feelings to everyone, my wife has had 4 affairs, we have 3 kids. Im not perfect I know, I used beer as a buffer. She is now seeing someone online, lives in another state, long way away. I love her more than anything and try to work things out over and over. She has nothing to do with me besides take my check every week. Im a volunteer coach, have been for years, I coach soccer and baseball and have always taken pride in the youth of our community and my children. She tried with ppl around here, but now its come down to her trying to move my kids off to oregon, and we are in arkansas. Thats something I cant let happen. I dont have the money to get a lawyer cause she works at the bank and takes my money. She wont leave, she wont let me leave , and I think she's bi=polar. different mood everyday. Loves me one, hates me the next. Im not a jealous type person nor can I spell so forgive me. I can see in her eyes she doesnt want anyone else. I can feel it, but she wont talk to me, love me, touch me. Im lost. But im also not gonna take the chance of her taking off with my kids. I just want to know how to deal with it all.

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written by JimN , 06 October, 2009

yeah, in in the same boat, My wife says she wants to leave, she tells me I dont't make enough money and wants to find someone who does, we have 1 child together and I have a step-son (hers from a previous). There are other reasons she aays she wants to leave too, but I think its mostly the financial situation, here in the Detroit area it's hard enough to keep a stable job let alone find one!! Believe my I've tried, don't get me wrong I've done some things to make her mad, nothing like cheating on her but, little things that every relationship has.

She has wanted to leave in the past but we worked through it, this time I think it's for real, I'm completely heartbroken to know she wants to leave, she wont even give me the time of day, I tried today to bring up counseling but she does not want to make it work...shes done, we are in the middle of re-modeling our house but had to stop because the economy crash, she works as a bartender, and the bar is not doing so well due to the economy, but money does not buy happiness no matter what anyone says.

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written by mjb63 , 02 January, 2010

My wife and myself have been married 17 years and together 20.

We have always done everything together, gone every where together and she even commented early 09 how strong our marriage was.

I was the highest wage earner, used to clean all the house, top to bottom, do the shopping and have her meals ready every day.
Then she started staying at work longer, new clothes etc etc, you know the signs until End of October when she said it was over and asked me to leave. I haven't challenged anything for the sake of our daughter.

However i have found out she has been having an affair and i know feel like a right Mug !
I now fear i couldn't trust anyone again and angry that someone could do this to another person who has only ever shown kindness.
You live and learn i suppose bit i wont lie down again, live must go on but the damage is now done between us and i could never forgive her. good riddance.

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written by beemer07 , 07 January, 2010

Lots of sad stories here.
I was recently given I love you but i am not in love with you line, she is my best friend and i am her best friend, we do everything together. Our level of intimacy over the years dropped off significantly, when we got to the root cause, (my depression) she said it was too late. She lost the flame or spark.
We were married eleven years and have been doing a lot of things over the past 10 months to get things turned around but she told me her feelings have been dying over the years. I do not think she is seeing everyone as she is crying as much as i am. During the past 10 months i tried everything to show her i was worthy of her love but nothing happened.
looking back i am not sure if chasing her was the best thing to do, sometimes people need time when they get off track and giving them space is the best thing. I do not agree with _uck them attitude, but in my case no one is cheating, i do agree with working on yourself and being strong even though i am still struggling with this. I am very lonely and miss her very much and would love for her to come back.
there a many sad stories here, does anyone have a happy story that there wife did come back and what did you do for this to happen

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written by Tommy Ru , 08 January, 2010

My wife had 3 affairs over the last 4 years, we have 3 young children. I find out later of course. During the Credit Crisis I was made redundant. She waited for the day then slapped false Domestic violence charges against me, I have witnesses to say there was no violence. Just to get me out of the house. She refused to let me see my children. Or even say goodbye. I left the state, then 2 weeks later left the country. I am not coming back. She has taken my kids and lives with her new boyfriend (one she last cheated with). The courts believe anything she says without evidence. Just not worth the trouble, I am enjoying a new life in Europe and have no intention of returning to the misery that woman caused me.

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written by Chris Jones , 19 January, 2010

Wow guys, I did'nt realize how many of us were in the same boat. I received the "I love you but im not in love you" comment just after Christmas, which set the alarm bells ringing. After checking her email and phone records I found she has been having an affair with a younger guy for,as far as im aware, about twelve months. I asked her about the situation and she just spun out a load of lies. Even so, god I still love her and cannot even imagine living without her.

We've been married for 16 years, the majority of which has been good,ups and downs the same as everyone, and have two kids,8 and 16, which I cant bare to think of being away from.We've now become a lot closer due to me being here for them 24/7

Three years ago I gave up my job in construction to look after the kids after my wife had a promotion at work and had to work much longer hours, yeah I know, should of seen that coming!! So financially Im screwed!

I still live in the family home knowing that she is messing around behind my back but I have no one to turn to. The last thing I need is to be living in some hovel of a motel feeling sorry for myself.

I have taken some comfort in reading the comments and solutions from you guys.(jetdoc and pok esp.)but its so hard to know what to do. You think you know someone, only for them to turn around and kick you in the balls.

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written by ron w , 20 January, 2010

Cujo12, ironically for me, 26 Aug, 09 my life changed forever. I had been posting on here not under the perspective of being cheated on, but in a marriage I was trying to be happy in, I posted on 25 July....then on that date above, 26 Aug, I found out my wife had not one but FIVE affairs in the past. They were a long time ago, 21 years ago, but its the same as if they happened 2 months ago.

Needless to say I am devastated, sick, and just freaken unsure of myself or my marriage.

I will say I am STARTING to get better. I found several websites that help with infidelity, but one, marriagebuilders.com has a GREAT forum site. For some reason there seems to be A LOT of men who post on there about their wives cheating on them.

There is very helpful advise on there, just go to the forum area. The guy who runs the site, Dr. Harley, has these programs and such, but you don't have to do that at all, if all you want is advise.

I am my name, jetdoc, but backwards, on there, if you guys come over.

Good luck....I now know what you guys are feeling, and it isn't good.

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written by Peter Fenttiman , 23 January, 2010

Ok guys, I had been with my wife nine years, married in 2006. Mid 2008 I was getting little signs that were causing me an inquisitive itch. A ripped up letter to a married man who she was seeing for a snatched 10 minutes when on duty (nursing assistant), he a nurse. She said it was her nurse friends letter. She started having lots of text off someone at work in an emergency department, a male nurse. Some of these went on until 3 in the morning and where garbled or blank as he was a drinker. This guy had a Philipino wife and a 1 year old daughter. We have a now 7 year old girl together. She started spending time after work and at weekends with this guy saying that he was a friend in need as he has no one and is going through a separation. Well his wife did remove his sim card at one stage before this. She arrived home an hour late on two occasions in one week too after work. Work is 5 minutes down the road. I came home early from a night shift at 10pm and found her in a black satin nightwear with candles burning, she was surprised and went upstairs to change into her usual warm fluffy pj's, and I could hear her on her mobile phone too. Suffice to say she blew out the candles and said she normally lights them and puts that outfit on when I'm not there. Our daughter was upstairs in bed asleep. I took my wife to dinner for her birthday that september, all nice too, by the end of the month i was in my daughters bedroom on a blow up bed and she had changed the bedroom around. she was out nearly each night until 3am, or out all night some days in the week. She nagged me to move out at the end of January into nurses accommodation (one room in shared flat) two weeks later on valentines night she slept with him (admitted), but I know its gone on longer. she further admitted that she rang the emergency dept to ask for her number six months before i left the house and said to a ward clerk that they had been "shagging" for a year. Anyway, since then he has lost his license for drink driving and smashing his nice jeep up completely. Said it was a suicide attempt to my wife then stated days later he was getting cigarettes (40 a day smoker). Binge drinking most weekends to the point of her nearly calling an ambulance once. on random alcohol checks at work, then wife admitted these little things to me too: he hit his wife twice and is on police record for this, was a member of several swinger clubs and she caught a resub on his computer. found a text from a woman under a mans name, when she rang this the woman stated that he has been ringing her a lot and said my wife was a one night stand. My daughter has told me she sees him drinking, seen his genitalia, him touching mummys breast, also was scared of creaking from mummys room.

She is still with him, but moans to me about him telling her and her mother to F... off and that he hates them (drunk at time). she says he is lovely when sober. Good riddance to her!

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written by hawk , 25 January, 2010

hi im in same boat,got the speech 2months ago,moved out 5 weeks ago with kids,shes got very distant towards me and kids,been going out a lot with friends told kids she wasnt married anymore and will probably start dating soon,has stopped were rings.we still have same bank accounts and her bills are mine as well at her request hasnt taken much furniture and no photos girls hate being at her house and say they want to go home all the time,shes not interested in counseling to save marriage and hasnt hassled me about house.very confused about whats really going on she wont talk.

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written by Lotus , 16 February, 2010

Evil, easy and stupid divorce laws where the woman gets half the assets, regardless of fault and regardless of who earned the money, are the cause of all this misery.
Why do men not unite and campaign against these bad laws?

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written by tommy , 04 March, 2010

we are not alone. My wife of 17 years lost 57 pounds last summer. She was taking care of her dying mom and I was taking care of our two kids. Nov 15 09 she tells me its over she wants out. We agree to fake it through Christmas and then through our two week vacation which followed so the kids would have one more Christmas with a family. We share the bed thats all. So cold just a frigid lump on the other side of the bed.Ouch. So I was nice and would complement her but not ever plea or grovel. On Jan 15 I found evidence of cheating .Since early last summer. Then more. In a sudden horrible rush all the pieces fell into place. She has taken up with her old high school flame. From 35 years ago, he is going through his second divorce and contacted her. Like I was teleported into an alternate universe. I was disemboweled floored. So still shaking I boiled water and made two cups of tea. I sat down with her to make small talk and watched her drink the tea I carefully peed in.
I sat on this knowledge of the affair for 6 weeks hoping she was just going through a phase.I am not a bad man. She told me she wants out but has made no move to leave or tell the kids yet. So on the day her family and friends are visiting I pull her aside for a moment and quietly tell her names and details and dates of the affair. Then I tell her I know that on Christmas morning while I was at work she left the kids at home alone while she went out to see him. Then on boxing day too. You should of seen her face....White and slack eyes dead. Then I went in to serve coffee to our guests.
That was 5 days ago. Now she is in war mode. Women don't like to be wrong. She still has told nobody. I have copies of all emails and many texts even pictures.
I knew everything within a week of discovery. She has become hesitant not sure if she wants to jump. We have a god life we travel a lot we have no debts and several rentals. She wants me to leave the house. No I will not she has to go I tell her. She wants the kids. No my shift allows me twice the time at home with them. I told her three nights ago to spend the weekend with him have another sleepover I don't care. I can not force some one to love me nor do I want to. I continue to be firm and even very kind. I insist she go be with him move in. But he my be getting cold feet. She senses this.I want her out I want to heal . I still love her but want her gone. She's like a tumor that has to be removed. Some days you feel great even some days I go fetal on the floor. We have a no fault divorce law they get half of everything even the properties i owned before we met.this sucks cuse now I am going to be on the freedom 95 plan. She is still here march 5 this weekend I want her to go to her boyfriend and stay. Women her age early 50s age hard and fast she knows this could be a mistake. She may be alone for a long time if this affair fizzles. Be strong guys don't do anything stupid. Don't threaten yell don't don't leave the house. Let her know you are moving on and she is too. Be firm and kind if you can. don't grovel don't beg
Sometimes I want things to be as they were sometimes I want her to drown. Sometimes I don;t care. These things are out of our hands we can only chose how to respond do it with dignity. Don't break things or yell or lash out. Find afriend to talk to. you have to talk a lot there are lots of groups around just for this reason. they are a great help. Write emails that you do not send this helps.If you are unsure buy a keystroke logging program and install it on her computer its a hundred bucks online get the best it pays.. information is power ...
but its also pain be aware.. Picture her alone and lonely this helps me. A lot of affairs end in pain. These last few days she has become friendly with me even intimate, sadly we share a bed. But she is in love and I want her to leave soon. If she screws me two hard I will expose her affair to her family with a few slipped email copies then to her work . Her life will change again at tha moment. But,I need to do over with someone else one day. good luck guys we are not alone ok. tommy

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written by KCS 2090 , 08 March, 2010

My wife of three years told me today we should split up. She has three adult sons (no children of our own) who have had runs in with the law since they were minors now in their late twenties.

We do not talk about them very much because, I have a problem of what her sons are doing being in and out of jail and still using her for their beck and needs.

I know she has been wanting them to stay with us between their stints being incarcerated, but I will not allow this because, I could not put up with the drama of having parole or probation kicking down my door at night not to mention the friends they keep.Keep in mind they were not living at home when we got married and nor did they live with her. We or should I say, I bought the house we are living in now and rented my old house and her old house out which are rented now. Her sons were given the opportunity of renting her house but always got put back in jail and did not pay rent, that went on for almost two years. She was working them and footed the mortgage payment for them.

She talks a lot to her friends text, phone calls in regards to her sons like she is plotting things with them to funnel them money three way phone call to their friends from prison and tries to hide the fact and play it off like nothing is going on.

I am lucky to get time of day if asked from my wife When, I ask her questions, on any subject, I must repeat myself several times before I get a reply or an answer by then I am usually upset. When a friend (female)is over they talk about anything and everything until she or they walk out the door.

We have many physical things in our marriage and I make good money and try hard to manage for our future and retirement. She was laid off last year and I have and had been paying for all the expenses in our marriage.

I was married at a young age in the military the marriage did not last long at all just too young I guess. I waited for 30 years to remarry and I married her. Make a long story short I believe marriage is very sacred and waited to find the right one to spend the rest of my live with so, I married my current wife who I am in love with very much.

Whenever we have disagreement it always seems to get to the subject about her sons and that I will always have a problem with them the issue at hand seems to not get addressed.


About six months we were at the same cross road by say she thinks we should split up. Well not to be too proud to say after begging her not to leave she stayed.

She waits until I get to work to tell me this so I would drive me crazy all night thinking about it ( work rotating shiftwork) so I tell her okay if thats what she wanted to do.

I know a lot of these posting a probably the husbands fault a much a the wifes but what I have written down here in this comment is the truth.

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written by sheisscrewingme , 22 May, 2010

I can't believe there are this many people with the same problem as I have. I have been married only two years but with her for about five years. Everything was fine until we got married. After we did she started to try to change me, saying I was not giving her enough attention, which had not changed from before we were married. One month ago I found out she had cheated on me, this tore me up inside. We decide to try to work on our problems, which I don't feel are to big to resolve. She on the other hand refuses to go to see a counselor with me and as of recently she does not even want to be in the same room with me. She claims it is because the dogs make it too dirty but it is her job to vacuum and dust, I do the dishes, laundry take care of the trash, the yard work and the car maintenance. She doesn't really have to do much around the house but rather than help out a little she just complains about what doesn't get done. Is there any salvation in this marriage or should I try getting things in order for a divorce?

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written by 3rdtimesacharm , 29 May, 2010

I have been married for 17 years.2 years into our marriage my wife wasn't sure she wanted to be married,she came back crying,I took her back,8 years into our marriage same thing,my dumb ass took her back. Now we have a 3 1/2 year son,guess what,she doesn't know if she wants to be married. Third time is a charm for me,I have to take care of my son and myself,I will not be letting her come back this time. Story here is though She got a pretty good paying job about 2 years ago and I lost mine. She didn't want strangers or day care watching our child.She wanted me to stay home with our son because of this and her hours are so long and she is basically on call. We agreed and now 2 years later,she wants me to sign a dissolution that my son and I get nothing and she is moving to a new place she just got this week,never told me, and isn't paying any of the bills including our present rent,she says we have to move out by the end of June and will not compromise. 2 weeks ago is when she brought up dissolution and that week was rough,but she had her mind set,but was willing to help get a vehicle,wait for me to at least find a job to cover rent and help out just like normal till I got back on my feet and into the work force.But as I said above, now she dropped all the moving out and I have to leave on me and trying to force me to accept some crazy dissolution. It's crazy. I tried to compromise with her again today,nothing,it's like she is someone I have never met and Is total evil. I have no choice but to file divorce for everything my son and I can get. She will be served probably by Wednesday or Thursday of next week. At this point you know,I still feel for her,but not love,only pity. I can't imagine doing this to someone.let alone a 3 1/2 year old little boy. When I handed those divorce papers over to the clerk at the courthouse,I felt so bad and ashamed It came to this after 17 years of marriage. I feel I let my son down and god. I feel like I could have and should have seen this coming, but I have a large close family and they maybe at a distance from me,but have been on the phone with me every day praying and hoping for my son and I. She on the other hand is moving into a farm house with her welfare step sister. Writing about this and talking it through with family has go me through each day. I feel like my whole life is over sometimes,but I know it's just beginning AGAIN!

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written by ribbon123 , 09 June, 2010

Same boat as nearly all of the above, but my advice is this: When the wife finally tells you that it's over and she no longer wants to be married to you anymore, you can bet that she has given it long and careful consideration, and so one must accept that it is over. Don't demean yourselves by begging her to change her mind. The best way to cope is through treating her with kindness and understanding, and while not accepting 100% of the blame, look at things from her point of view; believe me after a couple of weeks of adopting this attitude, you will begin to feel a whole lot better about things. Time is a great healer (cliche, but true), and as Mr Springsteen once wrote "The scars we carry remain, but the pain slips away"

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written by waryork , 17 June, 2010

Its day 4 since ive been served divorce papers....cant sleep a minute,a true walking zombie.
Ive cried, begged, pleaded to work things out after 11 years we know each other just she cant forgive herself for cheating on me multiple times with our church leader........funny thing is she got mad i didnt want to go back to church to be next to the man preaching honesty.
i truly forgave her for cheating....didnt talk about it at all.
Her friends just got divorced and been partying it up truly telling her about the green grass.....i couldn't stand what was happening she was my rock my soulmate my love.
..........i got real stupid and hanged myself with a belt....knocked out and woke up on the floor with a real bad sore throat and broken blood vessels all over my face....somehow the belt broke i truly need help my mind cant make up what to do i see mist around my vision and blurry images. never throw diamonds to swine is what im thinking i just need time to heal or go mad best wishes all.

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written by Jlb , 29 June, 2010

I went through this same problem. Marriage had become stagnant, my wife (who's 30) started hanging out with a 22 year old guy from work. He was calling and texting her several times a day, then she started leaving the house 2 -3 night a week. Said she needed alone time. Found out later she had been going to that guys house, and on 2 nights she left, she rented hotel rooms (I assume to be with him cause she couldn't bring him home, and he still lived with his parents and couldn't take her there).
My world fell apart. She said they were just friends, but couldn't stop and wouldn't stop messing around with him. For her birthday, she let him take her and 2 of my children to Seaworld for the day, after I asked/begged her not to. Things have progressively got worse, we are separated now, and that guy is no longer in the picture. She tries to call and text me, not really committing to our marriage, but not ruling it out either. Me, being stupid, have been letting her jerk me around, and of course, send her money anytime she needs it.
Yesterday, I was done. I told her if our relationship had any value to her, she had 7 days to show me. If she didn't want me, there were plenty of other beautiful women out there who would love to spend time with me. I am handsome, well built, make a lot of money, and have always taken care of my family of the 10 years we have been married. I asked her for 3 things: Pictures of herself, list herself as married on her facebook, and make her profile picture of her and I together for all to see. They are small things to do, but starting small is good. I also told her she is very close to losing me, and I'm ok with it. I think I got her attention.
She of course got angry, the tried to make me feel guilty, then said I would never find someone better than her. I didn't respond to any of it, nor am I going to for 7 days. She needs to realize I'm serious.
No one wants to lose a long term investment like a marriage, but I also don't want to go back to being used and not appreciated, it would only lead to another affair later on. She needs to feel loss, like me and the kids did, and she needs to have a good fear of losing me for good so she doesn't repeat the behavior. As for me, I am getting my dignity and self value back.

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written by lb64 , 08 July, 2010

Wow! I never realized how often this happens! I'm in the same boat. My wife tells me she gave up on us over a year ago... right about the time she started talking to another man. 1200+ text messages in a month and 120 phone calls! Now she is divorcing me because she doesn't feel that I was meeting her emotional needs and the kids fight too much and we fight with the kids... all the usual excuses. We have been married for almost 6 years and together for 10. A blended family is never an easy thing but she just gave up! Now I come to find she is taking vacations with our 5 year old son along with this new man. She has broken the land speed record for filing for divorce and got me to pay for it! I did all the wrong things when she told me she wanted a divorce... I begged, I promised to change, I swore I would be a better man. But I have finally realized that this is HER choice and what SHE wants and I have to respect her wants and needs. But she also has to accept the consequences of that. She has no job, no place to live and is going to lose her financed vehicle soon. She is currently living with friends but cannot get a job due to lack of skills. I don't know what she will do but she has told me in no uncertain terms that its not my problem. But I worry for our sons sake. This isn't his fault and I am afraid that he will pay the price... *Sigh* I have to let it play out and give her the freedom to make her own choices right or wrong...

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written by SamP , 25 July, 2010

26 yers together married 15 4 kids and ive just had the i love you but im not in love with you.I love her to bits and i do everything for her,we re still living in the home together but she said that we will never make love again .Iam devastated and dont know what to do.She refuses to see a counselor,and i dont think theres anyone else involved.This is totally out of character .she always told me she hated the lovey dovey stuff such as flowers and romance.Why,she craves attention from other men,but shuns mine .Iam really confused

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written by Chase it Dad , 28 July, 2010

A different perspective: Well boys, I too am going through the same thing. It happened with a stable, secure co-worker. She strayed for security and positive attention. She ended the affair quickly (she says), and returned to our marriage for a while. But lied about it when confronted, (I knew the second it happened) - she says she lied because it was done and nothing good could have come from admitting it, whatever. Then, 2 weeks ago, in a fight over nothing she dropped it like a lead balloon . . . My stagnant status quo attitude brought it on. All the symptoms were present, years of declining communication, connection, etc. Add a recession, layoff and short-sale of our home so she could go back to work and I became the "primary caregiver" after having plans to be a stay at home mom for our now soon to be 4 year old son. It's not surprising, and It certainly doesn't look promising now, but after 14 days of no sleep or food (hey - I lost that 15lbs I've been meaning to lose, and that can't hurt ;-) This is what I finally decided to say to myself: If I want her, and I do, then I do what it takes NOW, not what I needed to do before it happened. Don't act victimized, it will get you nowhere. You're now just another single guy competing for her affection. And you've won this game before. So shut up, be strong, be happy, be sexy, be funny, be fun, show concern for the stress *she* is under, keep it private, expect more of the same anger and attitude from her and be ready to fight yourself, not her. You have to stand tall, look good, show stability and never, ever be weak again. Once you do this, and have her feeling truly safe in your arms, she will tell you everything, and it will be okay. It won't be easy emotionally, but you have to do this for your son's sake. He deserves the happy, spunky, fun, glowing mother that is within her. If you lose her, or let the same crap go on, your son will never have that. Not the way it was meant to be. Yes you got hurt, you are still hurting, and you will continue to hurt worse still. Be the man she wants. Cry about it alone. It's yours to lose. She will not leave you if you turn this corner and show some balls. Up to now you’ve been groveling for an apology, an explanation, a handout. Don't ask for anything, be mysterious and relentlessly improving and her head will spin. Then, and only then, you can expect her to care, be accountable, and give assurance. Build from there.