I’m not sure this is the right place to ask but...

I’ve known this guy for over a year now and when I first met him I felt like I’d been hit by a bus! Being shy and having not dated for years I kept how I felt to myself. I couldn’t wait for group to see him, just to be able to look at him! We met a couple of times a week. When it came time for him to leave group I was stunned when he asked for my number. We started texting each other and he asked had I liked him and how long had I wanted to be with him. We flirted by text for awhile, and then I felt guilty for not admitting I’d liked him for ages, having lied to him so sent an email telling him how I felt, etc.

He replied to say he wanted to stay in touch but wasn’t ready for a relationship now. He said “this is not a no to anything happening between us, just a no to right now.” We kept texting/emailing and started instant messaging (chat), and the flirting continued. I had been asked out by an older man from the group, who I turned down, and when I told him he got jealous and said “good I’d hate to have to start killing” (he was not serious, he is not violent by nature). We had arranged several times to meet, but it always got canceled, due to either me or him having contact with children etc, (always valid reasons). I had resolved that this wasn’t going where I wanted it to go and I decided to end it with him rather than get brokenhearted later.

Around his birthday I sent a message to wish him HB and he started a conversation, in which he mentioned he started to ‘sorta’ see someone and that he did not want me to be too upset! I told him that I was happy, if he was happy. A week or so later in another chat I asked how things were and he said “ok, but I still want you.” We met up 2 weeks (or so) later, this being the first time we’d seen each other in 8 months and he came to my house and we slept together.

We’ve met a few times, sometimes just a couple of blocks from his girlfriend’s house, for a few minutes here or there, sometimes I get hugged or a peck on the cheek. He stunned me 2 weeks ago by inviting me over while he had his child and he introduced me to his kid. He’s been to my place and we slept together several times, but he is still seeing his girlfriend, who does not even know I exist.

I know its cliché but I’m in love with him. I am obsessed by him. I go to sleep thinking about him, wake up thinking about him; I can’t get him out of my thoughts. I’d drop everything if he asks me to and I would do anything for him. I am so desperate for him I even considered getting pregnant just so if I wasn’t with him, I’d have part of him to hold onto. I know this is totally wrong and not sensible but I want him, I need him - I miss him. I want more!

Please help. I feel like I’m going insane - completely crazy.

How can you fall out of love with someone? By the way, I am 36 years old.

Response:

From our perspective, this is probably not going to end very well. Relationships work best when they are based on equality (see, healthy relationships).

Relationships are stable when people are equally attracted to each other, hold similar feelings for each other, and demonstrate equal amounts of respect for each other, and so on (also see, my husband is having a midlife crisis and my boyfriend is never home).

By telling his guy how much you liked him, while being honest, it probably also reflected an asymmetry (you liked him more than he liked you). Such asymmetries often scare people away. The implicit logic goes like this: If you like me so much, but I don’t like you as much, perhaps you are not my equal, and therefore, I can and should date someone better than you.

In such situations, people often say that they are not ready for a relationship, but then they quickly get into a relationship with someone else.

And from your question, it sounds like you might have an anxious style of attachment and perhaps a mania style of love (see, anxious attachment and mania love).

If this is the case, you are extremely vulnerable to others who want to exploit you for their own needs (their sexual needs, their emotional needs, all sorts of favors, etc). While this might sound very cynical, did you consider the possibility that you were introduced to his kid, so that you might be in a position to watch the kid sometime in the future? Unfortunately, people who need love the most, are often exploited.

And going out on the limb even a little further: Is this the first time you’ve found yourself in this situation - being used by someone you love, who does not love you back?

If this is the case, we strongly recommend talking to a professional counselor. This dynamic will most likely repeat itself over and over until you learn how to experience and express your love and affection for others in a different manner (see, emotional support).

And in the meantime, we strongly suggest that you break off all sexual contact with him. In a situation like this, sexual contact will only lead more emotional instability in the long run (see, romantic attachments).

We wish we had something more positive to say.

Comments (24)

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written by StuckinLimbo , 06 October, 2008

I wish you'd given advice on how to fall out of love with someone. Its so easy to say walk away, move on, stop seeing the guy, stop feeding the need. The thing is, being in a similar situation, I can guess that the original poster knows what she has to do, probably knows she is being used, but simply cannot move on.

I know that I cannot move on. I wish I could. I wish I could go for an hour without thinking about him, wanting him, needing to be with him, talk to him.

So I'll continue to trawl the internet, hoping to find advice on how to stop feeling this way...

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written by julz , 25 May, 2009

I know how u feel. i love someone and someone them that i like him, but i don't know what he thinks about it. all i know is he obviously doesn't like me back. although, i am young so i didn't let him know that i am now "in love" with him simply because he isn't mature enough to know what i really mean. i want to hate him. i don't like anything about him, but i can't stop loving him. what should i do? i ask all the time. but get no answers. i just go with what happens each day and that's it. no matter how many tears i cry for no reason. so that is the only advice i have. like i said, it's hard to find advice for that, just go with whatever happens each day and that's that. no matter how bad it is...

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written by ... , 12 June, 2009

i feel the same exact way about someone.

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written by esparza , 17 June, 2009

dear girl, I know how you feel, but let me tell you something that will probably hurt you a little bit, you could have helped all the bad things that happened to you.Loving someone more that yourself is the biggest mistake ever, that is why he doesnt love you, that is why he treats you the way he does, you can`t say that you would do everything for him, specially after all the pain he made you feel, look at yourself in the mirror and stop thinking stupid things.He doesnt want you ,and hew will never do, no matter if you had sex it was the only thing he wanted from you, but it doesnt mean that you dont deserve to be loved by somebody else, como on you are young and must love the live and body god gave you do it for you, and never see that man again I know it will hurt, but believe me if you continue seeing him, he will continue treating yo like garbage,

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written by Eule , 18 September, 2009

I wish you well. I have known the pain of loving someone, being loved by them in return, and then the rejection afterwards. It is so difficult to accept that what had seemed so wonderful and true was, in fact, not so. I loved my ex for a long time after he left me. He even contacted me again after he had embarked on a new relationship. It was the hardest thing in the world to say to myself - no, I deserve better treatment than this. It didn't feel right at the time, but I stuck to it and now I am glad. He was only using me and I think if you read back over your post, you'll see that your guy is similarly inclined. HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND!!! That is all the evidence that you need.

I know you feel heartbroken and desperate right now, but as the saying goes "this too will pass". Give yourself a period of time to mourn him - say 2 months - during which you resolve to try at least ONE thing every day that makes you feel good about yourself. By all means cry for the rest of the day, if that's what you want, but you have to make ONE effort to feel good. And it must be something totally unrelated to this man. (no cheating!!)

Next, if he contacts you, do NOT take his calls, emails, texts or whatever. He is cheating on his girlfriend, so that should tell you something about the kind of guy he is. And if he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, why should you settle to be something less than that?

I promise you - a year down the road, you will look back and wonder what the hell you saw in him. In order to get there, you have to stop thinking that you can't live without him. Tell yourself that, yes, you're hurting, but equally YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS.

Good luck honey.

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written by jllkil , 22 November, 2009

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written by lost n love , 14 December, 2009

Im fighting the same demons. I just trust that theres a lesson to be learned. Cause i love him so much i cant see str8.

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written by Been There , 27 December, 2009

Listen, you must take a leap back into reality, HE DOESN'T WANT YOU! Thinking about him and wanting him will cease with time. You can't help the way you feel and those feelings are valid, however, stop wasting time on someone who doesn't want you. Remember, not every one is "the one". It sounds like maybe you have some underlying issues that you should focus on and get your mind right. I don't mean to sound harsh but why keep playing yourself? Aren't you worth more? Life is to short to want someone or something that you cannot and will not have.

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written by Strength , 29 December, 2009

Learn to deal with reality and accept it. Then pray to God and ask Him to make it go away and He will.

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written by kayla belle , 15 January, 2010

i honestly think you should not get with this guy. i may be young in age but my heart and emotions are way wiser than my age. i am pretty much in the same situation and have been through some bad things with this one guy. but i am trying to forgive him so i can forget him... but it's hard with all the communication technology going on nowadays. i cant go anywhere without hearing his name. and when im not around him im thinking about him... much like your situation. my advice is just to forget him the best you can.

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written by A friendly note , 20 January, 2010

Decide to love you MORE!

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written by stareeid1 , 24 February, 2010

Loving someone who doesn't love you back isn't love at all. Love is the actions of two people within any relationship that show equality and commitment through respect.

What you have is a severe case of Lust... lust makes us want to be in love and that is in no way false, or wrong! Unfortunately those we lust after may lust after us too, but not have the same desire to share in the relationship only making the lines more blurry.

from personal experience the only suggestion I can make is to go out there and do your own thing. You need not explain/keep him updated on your new adventures. You also need not never speak to him or see him again ... just back burner him treat him like a decoration in the back of your mind (it's not about forgetting him it's about distancing yourself). If you still "love" him in a year and you feel the same about him - tell him again. keep telling him until you're sick of telling him, that you love him and you get nothing in return. (You will get sick of it - or meet someone with whom you are equally attracted to him but who will be more interested in your combined futures).

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written by Dejavu , 05 April, 2010

Your letter sounds like something I would have written a while back... I was lonely, and in need of love. Wasted a lot of time asking myself why not me? So not worth it...! The key here is a good support system. If you don't have it, look for it, build it, make new friends, spend time with your family, keep yourself active, and your mind occupied, buy a 2,500 pieces puzzle, but move on, there's someone out there for you with whom you'll experience the mutual love you want and deserve.

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written by samehere , 05 May, 2010

It is SO HARD to just let go! I am currently in this situation of being the one who loves, and getting nothing back in return.
My story is I got involved with a MM. Mistake number one. It began with flirting via e-mail, to texting, chatting, then eventually meeting each other and having sex. I didn't want to for fear of it ending our relationship. Boy was I right! Immediately after we had sex, this HUGE wall went up. In fact, he practically rushed me out of the room! I've never felt so used or humiliated.
I tried through several e-mails just to find out where his mind was at, and why he didn't want to talk anymore, but all I got were answers that made no sense!
I even told him through an e-mail that it was obvious he wasn't interested, and he was free to go, but instead he keeps hanging on, even though I can tell he has no interest.
I get a few texts a day from him (as opposed to around 80 in the beginning!)All involving HIM, or general discussions about HIS life. He NEVER asks about me, where before, I was THE most important person in the world to him! I can't believe it was all a lie. I shared so much of my heart with him, and he has simply smashed it under his foot.
Why does he continue to try to stay in contact? It's obvious he has no interest so is this a guilt type thing? I don't know, but I know I am dying inside because I truly did love him, and the pain of loving and not getting loved back, is unbearable. But what's even HARDER, is the not knowing why! WHAT in the H did I do????

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written by Tell me , 07 May, 2010

He asked me whether I love him. I said yes but he didn't say he love me or not and we kept on smsing. What does that mean?

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written by sueflay , 17 May, 2010

It probably means he doesn't know or doesn't want to hurt you. He probably enjoys very much spending time with you, but hasn't thought past it much further than that. If he doesn't say he loves you, especially if you ask him, then you need to get out of that relationship. If he doesn't know, he won't know. You can't make a man fall in love with you, no matter how hard you wish it, no matter how hard you try, no matter how often or how rarely you contact him, no matter how cute or how plainly you dress. You'll only be wasting your time and your emotions. You'll only be causing yourself heartbreak and throwing yourself into confusion. Regardless of how much you like this guy or love him, if he isn't loving you back, if you are //unsure// of his intentions of of his feelings toward you in even the smallest amount, then you need to get out. Start distancing yourself from him. If you can't ask him how he feels and get the answer you want, then leave. There are millions of men in this world. And, though you may not believe this for a very long time, there is a better man than him out there that you WILL meet.

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written by karma , 10 June, 2010

I love a married man. He also love me.but i know there will be no future n no result. I try to leave him many times.but i still cant leave him. I dont know what to do now.happy= suffering..........

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written by caba waba , 04 July, 2010

I think I know how you feel....
I saw someone on FB that I grew up down the street from. I remember him as being a nice guy. He was also a "hottie" and still is.
Anyhow, we started e-mailing each other, which turned into texting, then talking on the phone.
He said thing's to me like " it means so much to me that we grew up on the same street and we have a history of growing up in the same town". Well, i felt the same way.
Our conversations on the phone would get hot & steamy, practically phone sex...
Anyway, we exchanged some very racy photos and now he rarely calls and rarely answers my texts. The last few times we talked he always says his busy.
I'm not stupid, I know he lost interest. My point is that I really fell for him...and I mean hard. I think about him day & night.
And I can't get him outta my mind and it is driving me crazy. I'm 42 and have been married and been in a few relationships, but I've never felt like this before. I don't know if it's love or obsession.
For me, I think it's more of what could have been... But, realizing that he give up before we even got a chance to get started, well i guess it's better then seeing, touching and feeling him.
BTW: I live in PA and he lives in CA...

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written by Slindile , 20 July, 2010

I understand very well how you feel. I've got the same problem like yours but the only difference is that I am married and he is about to get married to someone else. To me it started with a hug and then he kissed me whilst I was busy on a phone at work and after that we kissed passionately. When I told him that I have feelings for him, he said we must not act on our feelings so as to respect our partners and ourselves. But every week we kissed passionately and it's feels right but he always tells me that we should stop. My problem is that I can't stop now because if we hug we ended up kissing and I don't know what to do. I don't know that whether he loves me but afraid of his partner. I don't know what to do, please can someone give me some advise on how to let him go?

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written by lonleylady , 26 July, 2010

I am in a similar situation. Met a guy back in January. Fell hard fast. And eventually one night I told him I loved him. He said he didn't want a relationship. He liked me but didn't feel we had that sort of connection.Clearly he never had feelings even remotely close to mine. He kept seeing me and we continued to go on dates. I eventually met a couple other guys. I guess in an attempt to distract myself from him. Then one night the guy I am infatuated with (I don't want to say love because I am trying to convince myself it isn't)text me obviously intoxicated and told me he missed me.So I saw that as an opener and lapped it right up.Within 24 hours I was asking to see him. It really messed with me. We went on a date. It went perfectly (well in my mind). Then later that night we started having sex back at his place, and I broke down right in the midst of it. I dont know its hard to admit this. But as women I am sure you might understand. Basically I wanted him to make love to me. And I realized that wasn't going to happen. He just thought I was crazy for saying I loved him. After that he wouldn't sleep with me again. I must say I respect him for that, he did keep talking to me through text and we hung out a couple times after (no sex). Then eventually I just became angry and irrational because I was hurt. I said hurtful things to him. Did stupid things. Now he essential wants pretty much nothing to do with me. Even took me off his facebook. But he doesn't ignore my texts. Clearly its wrong. But I am having a hell of a time letting go. Reading the articles about Ludos and Mania love ect have really helped me put things in a different perspective. Clearly when you make someone feel superior to you naturally they are going to think they can do better if they dont feel the same love for you. Because they never had to work for you. Next time I wont wear my heart on my sleeve. I think I just came on to strong. I need to work on that I guess, also I had just came out of a four and a half year relationship before I met him. My friends and family tell me he was just a rebound.

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written by mint , 26 July, 2010

Make yourself busy and try to go out with friends and family members to keep your mind occupied. It all will pass and you'll get to learn how to be strong and tough, this is the test to better yourself and improve in all areas. Love happens all the time not only once. Nothing is stable, sadness not stable...one day happiness comes, all new amazing and different things comes.I've been there, just have to think positive and be happy and smile to it...It's really easy to get over someone who you fell deeply for. Just give yourself space not him to re-think. Take care of yourself, focus on family, friends and jobs and having fun with the beautiful world around you. Cheer up!! You'll be fine!! Good luck

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written by MissX , 01 August, 2010

Thank God am not alone in this, thought it was just me who had a love for someone who doesn't love them, it's hard to talk about isn't it?

I'm a lot older than most ppl who have posted, therefore should have more life experience and more sense than to carry on loving someone who doesn't love back.

There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of and cry over this man, I think about the promises made and what should have been, internet, phone, text messages etc makes it harder to walk away so it's easier to keep 'track' on someone, I keep thinking one day he'll come back to me, that he'll realize what he gave up. I wish there was a magic pill to take my memory away, that I could wake up one day and he'd be gone, for until that happens I can't move on with my life, am stuck in a loop that I can't get out of. X

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written by MissyS , 05 August, 2010

I honestly don't understand these men who act like they care and then go for days/weeks/months of acting like they never even acted that way. I love someone too who does not feel the same. One day he acts like he cares and is interested, the next he is nowhere to be found. I love him so much! I keep thinking he will see the light one day as long as I don't appear clingy but it's driving me crazy. Maybe if I give him time he will see. It's been going on for 8 months now. It's depleting my energy, controlling my moods. Love is about equality so I'm starting to think maybe I'm not in love maybe I'm just involved with someone who is selfish and prefers to just be by himself rather than get out of the "ME" mode that you have to do when you have a relationship. I am going to try to stop loving him and try loving myself more.

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written by livefreeloveall , 03 September, 2010

I can relate and feel some of your pain - I also am in love with someone who is in love with someone else. As painful as it is - I have to accept the fact and move on...Not easy, but I try to recognize the situation I am in and take in the hard truth and work my way towards the happiness and love that I seek...I had a roommate that once told me why it is so hard sometimes to get over or move on, and that is because I refuse to recognize, ignore the truth/facts and refuse to accept it...Once I have figured that out - it helped me move forward and be more accepting of events that happens in our lifetime...I wish you the best and hope that you find the happiness and love that you seek. There will come a time that we will find someone that we are crazy about as they are crazy about us...

Take care.

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