This is my situation... I have been married for 6 years and together for 9 years and we have 2 beautiful girls. For the past couple of years it seems that every time I turn around we are fighting for some little thing, and even more when he drinks. It almost seems that he hates me, even though the next day it is like nothing ever happened. And even though the fights and hurtful words I seem to want to just erase it all and start over the next day.

But there is only so much that one can handle. Isn't there?

But the reason for this e-mail is that I have had a lot of thoughts about ending my marriage. I know I love my husband to death but all the mistreatment and no more affection except in bed once a week... and that to me isn’t enough any more.

Well I was talking to one of his best friends one day on the phone, just a friendly conversation, and out of the nowhere he came on to me, and I let him. Nothing has gone beyond that so far, but I am really thinking about it. His friend really showed me interest and not only that it seems that he has felt like this for almost 2 years ago, but just never said anything. I did have my suspicions but wasn't sure. I know that in my heart I really want to go out with this guy but on the other hand it is my husband’s best friend.

My husband’s friend and I did discuss about meeting but we haven't yet. We did, however, promise each other that the conversation we had would stay between us.

Please help... I just don't know what to do.

Would it even be worth it?

How can I tell if my marriage is just a convenience to stay together as a family for my children? Or to even try to change things to make it better?

Response:

From our perspective, there are at least two separate issues going on.

First, it sounds like you marriage is less than ideal. There is a lot of bickering and your husband sounds like he has a lot of anger and hostility toward you. Typically, this type of fighting between couples usually means that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you related to control, respect, and liking (see, relationship dynamics).

Relationships work the best when they are built on respect, understanding and trust (see, healthy relationships). In fact, for a relationship to work long term there must be a lot more positive than negative interactions (Gottman).

And it is common for people in less than ideal relationships to gloss over problems and pretend that things are ok, when, in fact, there are serious problems that need to be addressed.

Unfortunately, many people deal with such relationship problems in an indirect manner. For the most part, people don’t talk to their spouses directly about the problems they are facing (see, talk about problems). Rather people deal with their problems in a variety of indirect ways: drinking, displaying negativity toward a partner, attraction to others, etc.

Which brings us to the second issue: Are your feelings for husband’s best friends genuine, or is your attraction to him simply a way for you to express your negative feelings that you have for your husband? Our best advice is not to confuse these two issues. Deal directly with the problems you are having with your husband before you even consider whether to explore your feelings for his friend.

If you try to work out the problems you are having with your husband first, in an honest and constructive manner, everything else should become more clear.

But by pursuing your feelings for his friend right now, you will only make things more complicated and confusing for everyone.

Comments (7)

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written by babyrdgz04 , 02 July, 2006

Thank you for your helpful info, but I am still confused about one thing...
How can I tell if for sure I don't love him like I used to and it is just the convenience of still being together?

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written by Expert , 02 July, 2006

Probably the best to think about is this: If you had to pick a person to spend a day with right now, who would it be? And ask yourself the same question about five years from now: If there were only one person you could spend the entire day with, who would it be? If you don't enjoy your husband's company and companionship - that should tell you something. Couples who are happily married and stay in love - try to spend their free time together because they love being around each other.

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written by Ahmad , 11 February, 2007

The only way is to talk about it with your husband. He needs to understand that you are trying to keep your marriage and have your sexual desires fulfilled at the same time. And he shouldn't stop in your way or either you will cheat on him or divorce him...

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written by cinderella , 06 January, 2010

I have almost the same issue only my husband has a terminal illness and has been sick for years After years of caretaking, I am drained, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Although sometimes I feel guilty about it, his friend and I have become close friends and talk everyday via email as we live 7 states away. however, I have noticed that I am becoming more attracted to him every day and I am confused by it.

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written by bina baby , 22 March, 2011

I'm in the same situation. I recently started talking to my husband's best friend. we both want to visit each other so we can get to know each other better. I am starting to develop strong feelings for my husband's best friend and he has strong feelings for me. I've only been married for a year and a few months and I got married when i turned 20. I'm really confused i don't know what to do. Can anyone help????

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written by livka , 23 August, 2011

I too am in the same situation as Cinderella. However there is eighteen years difference and my first marriage and his second. I am drained in every facet, and I have had enough of his abuse on me and our children. He feels sorry for himself because he has terminal cancer, mind you he has had it 5 years and specialists gave him 2 years. He is still here mentally abusive as ever now. I feel our whole marriage of ten years, besides my kids have been a waste. My children are exactly like me respectful and loving. It is our anniversary on Thursday he makes no attempt to organize anything, this year I want to surround myself around positive and lively people, I am going out on my own!!!!

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written by Appalled , 15 November, 2011

**The following is posted as myself being a Christian...people who aren't "religious", please don't feel offended...I only look to extend help, and I feel that I can only grant this kind of help through my beliefs...so I hope no one feels offended**

I'm a Christian... and the messages I read sicken my heart. I would hope to the dearest of my soul that my wife would never do that to me if I were to become terminally ill. If any of you are Christian wives... please read what the bible has to say. Even if your husband is a callous, uncaring tyrant, you must show your warmth and heart as a Christian, and still be submissive and loving. Although it is hard to believe how one can do this, it is a higher calling that the lord has bestowed upon us as his children to be above worldly thinking..

I also, as a Christian husband, have an equal, emotionally sacrificial duty to fulfill from God's hands. If my wife were to have a terminal illness (I pray it never happens), I would give her my heart, soul, and spirit in pursuit of her happiness until the day my human body collapses. This includes if she nagged myself, my family, and berated me (should her condition include mental deterioration); I would still give her all the love my soul and spirit can afford. If you feel completely drained, pray for the energy that God can provide and he will be close to you.

Even if my wife cheated on me.. the bible mentions this as an exception for a "D" (d*v*rc*). I would still unconditionally seek prayer and guidance from the lord to help restore the glory in our relationship. I would fight until my heart gave out. I would go as far as to say I would die from the emotional stress placed on my heart, and from a spiraling depression before I would ever consider "D".

I would hope that there are other Christians out there that share these feelings with me...

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