My wife has been having a secret intimate friendship with a married man for several years. In May, I discovered (by looking at her cell phone bill) that they were talking several times a day. She admitted that she met him a few times a week at the gym to work out but denies any sexual relationship.

This summer, they worked together in another state. She promised that she was being honest with me about the friendship and that it was now all above-board.

Then, last week, I found that she had purchased a secret phone to talk to him without my knowledge and was lying to me again.

I feel that it is time to tell his wife so that she knows that this is going on as well. I know that if I were in her shoes, I would want to know. I also feel that this will provoke a crisis in my wife and her friend’s relationship and force some resolution.

What do you think?

Response:

Unfortunately, technology makes it much easier for people to maintain a secret relationship than in the past.

And when people have been betrayed by a lying spouse, it is natural to want to expose the relationship. But before you do so, it helps to examine your motivations (see, should I expose the relationship and should I confront the other person).

If you are exposing the relationship because you think it will bring you and your wife closer together, it might be wise to reconsider your plan.

In all likelihood, exposing their relationship may create an even deeper bond between your wife and her “friend.” When two people feel under attack, it often draws them closer together. Having their relationship exposed may give them more to talk about and create an even greater sense of togetherness.

And if your actions get perceived as an attack on their relationship, it may not only bring the two of them closer together, but it can also create more distance between you and your wife.

In the worst case scenario, exposing the relationship may cause his wife to terminate their relationship, leaving him in even greater need of your wife for support.

Again, our best advice is to focus on the outcome you are trying to create. If you are trying to save your relationship, there are much better ways of going about it (see, recovery and repair and relationship Issues).

Comments (10)

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written by Decieved , 16 August, 2007

Don't tell her... get all the proof "on paper". Print off copies of billing statements, emails, etc and also save them to a disc and hide it at your place of work. Then after she goes to work, go to the bank and set up new accounts, call all the creditors you have joint accounts with and cancel yourself if your the secondary or remove her if she is the secondary... then file for divorce and claim adultery. You will have all the proof you need to force her to submit to a no-contest divorce.

P.S. Change the locks and throw her stuff out!

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written by BeenThereAlready , 30 October, 2008

Your wife is long gone. Stop lying to yourself & stop believing her lies. They now belong to each other. Get proof, inform his wife, let it go & don't look back!

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written by bazza , 30 January, 2009

same thing is happening to me. please let me know the solution as it is driving me mad!

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written by 20144 , 06 March, 2009

My advice is to gather as much evidence as you could, present it to her like Chris Hansen would do in his how to catch a... series.

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written by Dommick , 10 June, 2009

If you Really Love Your Wife, Then Seek To save your Marriage I would not expose the relationship so that the man knows, But I would Tell her after you have found solid proof and information. That You are aware that this is going on. Take the axe and cut the tree down.

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written by ojewumi kehinde , 05 September, 2009

Really feel for you. Exposing her might have its negative effect on you too. Do you have kids? In my culture, you have to consider the kids a lot and that is why such things are better resolved between the two of you, Wish you the best.

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written by hennie , 09 November, 2009

My experience is that his wife might not believe you and then you will be the "jealous pig". I did tell and the wife only believed me 10 years later. I was accused of chemical imbalance in my brain and all sorts. Get proof and run my friend!!!

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written by Randyd , 03 December, 2009

We have been married for 18 years. My wife had an affair this March,in May I caught her using facebook to exchange letters.I found her password and read everything in her facebook mailbox. I wish I could unknow all I read. After being caught she said it was over, I caught her again,again she said this time it was really over... I have recently found out she is still having contact with him,phone,email and???
Now my issue is that I know I could have been a better husband, I know that if her needs were being met she would not have looked outside the marriage to fill those needs. So I feel like this is what I deserve. I do love my wife,but being lied to is taking its toll on me. I dont know if I can ever believe her,I don't know how to feel anymore................

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written by Not Me , 15 July, 2010

Please grow up and dump the bitch, cause that is what she is.

Stop blaming yourself. If you were a jackass she should have told you so an moved on herself instead sneaking around.

Someone needs to be a grownup, and the grownup will gather the evidence and kick the other one out the door.

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written by jjolla , 18 August, 2010

telling his wife has a benefit: your wife will know you are going to make a fuss if she ever wants to stray again. her lover's life will be mauled, and she will want to avoid it.

however, this makes sense only if you feel your wife still wants to be with you in the future. you need to establish this -- consider calmly letting your wife know all you know (don't tell her how you found out .. just make it clear she cant lie about facts that you have established). then ask her if she is doing this because she has stopped caring for you ... or is it more of a exciting short-term thing. if the latter you have a chance of a future

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