I find myself attracted to men who are married or seriously attached. I guess you could say that I am the "other woman." At times, I often try to convince myself that we are just "friends with benefits," but I know that is just a line I feed myself to keep from feeling guilty.

For most of my life I’ve been single. In fact, at 32, I can say I have had only one serious relationship and that was when I was eighteen years old.

I recently have met someone I feel for deeply. He is not married and we are quite compatible together.

I fear that if I disclose to him my past relationships with married men, I may lose him forever.

I do not have any intentions on continuing the "friend with benefits" relationships.

Is this something I should tell him?

Response:

While the past is important, relationships are more about the present and the future.

And one of the most common things that couples lie about is their past sexual experiences and relational histories (see, lies lovers tell). People lie about these issues for a good reason. Telling the truth about such matters often leads to hurt feelings (see, lied about sexual history).

To make matters even more complicated, even when people aren’t telling outright lies about their past, the truth still gets distorted. When it comes to love and romance, memories tend to change in a very predictable manner: Over time our memories tend to make us look better (see, self deception). People forget their own flaws, while exaggerating their ex’s mistakes.

So, a little distortion about one’s past is the norm.

But, in your case, the fact that you’ve always been the “other woman” raises some issues. Such behavior often indicates a discomfort with having a romantic partner who is dependent on you for their everyday needs and concerns. Dating someone who is not really available is a strategy people who have a fear of commitment use (see, dismissing attachment).

Based on what you’ve said, it might be wise for you to consider whether you really want be in a committed relationship. For everyone involved, if you have doubts about your willingness to be close and committed, then at the very least, this is what you may want to disclose (lying limits choice).

Comments (8)

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why should people be grilled about their romantic
written by RightToPrivacy , 08 November, 2006

As long as couples have learned form their past mistakes and are working on not repeating them in their present relationship, I don't think they need to know EVERYTHING about each other.

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written by damman , 02 March, 2007

I think if you are asked by your partner about your past then you have a responsibility to share as much as you can remember. True intimacy is sharing your past. You don't have to boast over it, explain your mistakes that is how someone comes to know a person.

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written by HOPEFUL GUY , 26 June, 2007

I think that's good not to tell at all since the past, even the richest man, cannot be brought back again. The important thing is the present and the present controls the future. About the guilt. Just think its only the body that was involved not the spirit of a true lover. Godbless

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written by DiRK MENSINK , 02 October, 2007

My wife has a dismissing attachment style, but we are still 20 year's together. But many times I went to an ex girl-friend for sex. This is the result of a dismissing attachment style, I think, because my wife does not like sex within the marriage. The last 3 year's we go to swinger-clubs and I see that my wife can give her sexually completely to totally strange men, while having sex-problems within marriage. It is rather strange to see how a frigid woman becomes a nymphomaniac woman with anonymous men. Anyway this is the result of a dismissing attachment style!!
I am a rather attractive man, but this does not matter. The attachment style is most important, I conclude.

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written by quest , 12 August, 2008

Good for you that your not getting involved with married men anymore!! Your past is really your business and if someone really loves you they will accept all of you.

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written by Alisa , 01 February, 2009

I think a potential partner has the right to know about your past relationships and about your past in general. These experiences have shaped who you are and they have a right to know who it is they may be getting so intimate with. If you feel you have to lie to someone or hide something about your past in order for someone to like you only based on the exclusion of that information then you shouldn't be getting involved in relationship with that person (or likely with anyone) because clearly you are not ready to be loved for who you are rather than for who you want people to think you are. If you lie to people, they will eventually find out the truth and if that truth is so horrible that they would not have liked you to begin with had they known it from the start then this knowledge about you will most likely end the relationship anyway. It is always best to be as completely honest as you can be and then it will ensure that the person truly knows you and cares about the person you are and not the person they merely think you are. Also, if your partner knows your past history and experiences you've had then it can help them understand the basis for your behavior and can make a relationship go more smoothly with that underlying understanding.

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written by Bruce58 , 28 June, 2009

Alisa, at face value, I absolutely agree with your sentiments about being completely and totally honest with your lover or spouse about your past. So much do I agree with that, that I made that very mistake with my now ex-wife. Our relationship was never the same from that moment forward. My point is, the idea of being totally and completely honest about your past only works if the person who "demands" the truth is big enough to handle whatever that truth is. And if they can't handle the truth, then they shouldn't be asking for it in the first place. IMHO.

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written by Betrayal Hurts , 18 August, 2010

My sincere hope is that when you find someone you wish to commit yourself to that he finds a 'friend with benefits'.

I cannot forgive those like this poster whose belief and value systems are so flawed.

Always do unto others....it is a great philosophy to live by.

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