Well here's the thing, I lied to my boyfriend and then made it worse by making excuses. I also made promises to him so that I could earn back his trust in me. But, I lied and broke the promises that I made. I didn't intentionally want to hurt him. I just was trying to protect myself from getting in trouble. I don't always make the right decisions, but I genuinely love him I believe we are meant for each other. And now he wants to move on with someone else.

What should I do?

I thought that maybe even though he says it's too late, I want to go through with the promises I made in the first place. I believe it is never too late to right your wrongs. I don't ever want to be with anyone else but I am afraid that while I am doing what I was supposed to in the first place he will be moving on with some one else.

All I wanted was for him to trust me again, but it was too difficult to keep my promises. Now things are not going my way. In fact, he is out with another female right now. All I can do is think that he would be with me if I had followed through with my promises.

Do you think that if I now keep my promises regardless of his actions it would lead to a positive outcome? Or do you see this as a loss cause? I don't want to lose him and especially not to some one else.

How do you fix a broken glass?

Response:

Good intentions are never enough to make a relationship work. Relationships require trust, understanding, and ability to work through problems as a couple (see, healthy relationships).

And when trying to rebuild trust, it is critical to make practical and reasonable promises – promises that can be kept (see, rebuilding trust). If you can’t keep your promises when trying to earn back someone’s trust, it demonstrates that you can’t keep your word even when it matters the most. And without trust, a relationship cannot survive.

So, perhaps it is best that your ex-boyfriend moves on with his life. You’ve repeatedly betrayed his trust; maybe he is better off without you.

With that said, however, it is never too late to make amends for what you've done wrong. But, apologize because it is the right thing to do, not because you want to win your ex-boyfriend back. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason - focusing on what you want and not what you ex-boyfriend wants - is more manipulative than sincere.

Our advice: Do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Let things between you and your ex-boyfriend unfold on their own. Things will probably not turn out perfect, but treating people with respect is more likely to lead to positive outcomes for everyone involved.

Comments (33)

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written by Guest , 05 June, 2006

Hi, I am a 21 year guy. The same thing happened to me. My girlfriend broke my trust in front of my eyes and we sort of broke off at that point of time. She was double dating me with my own friend and it was shocking for me. But somehow we are back together today. But i still feel suspicious at times about her, even though she has been very loving and caring then ever. I trust her now, but only to a certain extent. I still cannot get comfortable with her. So my suggestion for you would be that find a new guy for yourself cause even if you get him back, he won't trust you fully. I know it is hard to do that but I guess that's the way it is. Hope you get what you want. And ya, my girlfriend has become an addiction for me so nor can I leave her neither can I stay away from her. I hope its not the same with you. I hope you get with the right person. Take care.

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written by guest , 17 August, 2007

I'm 29, also a guy, and had the same thing happen to me. My girlfriend had an 'emotional affair' online with another guy and kept it from me. when i found out, i kicked her to the curb. but she begged me back and i gave in. turns out later that she escalated the affair from online chatting to late night phone calls (hours long), and numerous texts messages back and forth. Again, she kept it from me, and after finding out, I confronted her. And then she did the single most stupid thing ever, she told me she wanted to take a break so she could work things out with him. After that, there was simply no way I could trust her fully ever again. I simply cant put my heart in her hands and know that i'm a priority in her life, even if she does indeed place me at the top. Some things, once broken, can never be repaired. You may win back your boyfriend, but you'll never win back his trust. You should move on.

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written by -- , 04 October, 2008

I did the same thing to my bf.. I lied to him about my past.. but since I've been with him I've not lied bout anything else.... I only lied when I was not with him yet... since were together I've been sincere and loving. I don't even feel like looking at other guys coz I love him so much.. but he never wants to forgive me... I promised to him that I will never lie to him ever again ... but he is really hurt that I lied.. I blame myself for lying to him. I did it so I wouldn't loose him... but now I'm lost... he doesn't wanna talk to me and he ended our relationship yesterday giving the reason that I lied - he hates me for that.

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written by jessicairish , 14 October, 2008

I'm going through this too. I lied to my boyfriend a long time ago to protect him and nearly lost him when he found out. We got back together and after a fantastic year, (with some downs) I lied to him last night. I said I wasn't talking online to his friend when I was. And when he questioned me about it instead of saying yes I was but it was just conversation, which it was, I said I wasn't. Turns out he had seen the conversation and so knew I was lying. He went mad. And I dug myself deeper. By the time the row was over he kicked me out. And I said, if you weren't so paranoid I'd feel like I didn't have to hide things from you. That was the truth.
I felt like even though I did nothing wrong, I had to lie to avoid arguments. But no, a bigger one came about and I'm petrified of losing him. what do I do !!!????

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written by Yasha , 07 November, 2008

That happened to me as well when I lost my boyfriend about being pregnant for nine months he was devastated when he found out about it I apologized about but he did not want to hear and he ended our relationship after a year in a have although I love him and I want to get back with him I know it would never be the same again after what I did I was only thinking about my self and how much I didn't want to lose him but I'm still healing but I know its best to just move on with my life as well.

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written by Ashley M , 10 November, 2008

Just recently my boyfriend spent a few days in ny while i stayed back home, the first night he left, i was invited to dinner with some friends in our apt complex, and the day he left we had been fighting really bad, and since i was so mad at him i didn't think he deserved to know what i was doing while he was gone. somehow four days ago he found out about what happened and i cam clean about what i did. he was so mad, we got into the biggest argument ever and he hit him and dragged me by my hair. I know it sounds crazy but after everything HE did to me with the hitting and stuff, i forgave him. only because i know what i did was wrong, but he is telling me we are over and that i have to move out, and that he wants to go our separate ways. i really have no where to go but even if i did i don't think i would because im so afraid this really is it, i love him so much, and yea i lied but i realize i made a HUGE mistake and i just wish he could find it in his heart to forgive just like i have, but part of me tells me it might be too late. we haven't really said much to each other maybe 5 words, and its so awkward cause im still living here. i don know what to do, and i really don't know how to cope.

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written by Tia , 29 November, 2008

This thing happened with me yesterday... one of the guys were after me to get married. He came down to my town and I spent some time with him telling that I am committed to someone else. when my bf came to know about the truth, he could not stay anymore in my life. I wish he were with me today.. because I loved him truly. I never loved anyone like that in my whole life.

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written by guest2 , 28 June, 2009

I had the same thing happen. I lied to my boyfriend about small things 3 times. We worked it out the first 2 times and the third was the break up. I really love him but he won't stay. He wants us to be friends and I am at the time still living with him until he can move out. I just wish we could work things out but I think it might be too late as well.

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written by ashleymayer101 , 01 November, 2009

i have the same problem i lied about the past and now i cant live with out him in my life i just want him and me to start over and i can be very honest and he can trust me

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written by ilovehim , 14 December, 2009

i lied to my bf about sending pictures to a guy way before i even started dating my bf i have now and he asked me if i sent the guy the pictures and i lied and said no i never did, but i really did, later on that very same day i told him the truth about me sending them pictures and i lost his trust we're still together but its hard, because he keeps thinking im gonna lie to him again and he keeps thinking im hiding things from him and i swore i would never lie to him again and i would never hide things from him but he still thinks i lie to him and hide things from him, i just want him to believe me, i want to be with him forever, i love him with all my heart and he says he loves me but cant trust me, what do i do?

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written by Sylvia , 02 January, 2010

it seems we all do the same stupid mistake.. we lie, and we try to think of every excuse why we did it, when in reality there is no reason for lying to our partners. I also lied to my BF, about little things, I never cheated but he thinks I did and just yesterday after trying to get past my mistakes he broke it off. I am heart broken and feel completely lost without him. I truly feel like I lost the love of my life and dont know what I am going to do. I know that I f***ed up, I lied and I have no excuse for it. I tried to make up for it but he just couldnt get over the betrayal and lost of trust. So now, I am left standing here alone and regretting the biggest mistake of my life.. I can only hope and pray that he finds it in his heart to forgive me and realizes that I really do love him and would NEVER lie to him again..

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written by Ugh , 11 January, 2010

And I thought I was the only one in this situation. I feel like such an idiot for ever even lying to my boyfriend about stupid little things. We've been going out for a year until he had it with my third little lie because I said I would stop. I was just so paranoid about him being mad at me, and frankly I thought I could get away with it. I guess not, we broke up for a month, and were so mean to each other. But the talking didn't stop, and at one point we decided that we would try to work things out. We're going back out now and we were doing well a week ago, and now all of a sudden it's different, he gets mad at me all the time, he acts like he doesn't care, and I've been giving him nothing but 110% of my time, I stopped talking to all my guy friends, basically stopped talking to everybody he didn't like, for him. I don't know what to do anymore, I really do try, and put up with all his shit. I do love him, I am in love with him still, but it seems like he feels differently. I know he loves me, but I'm just not quite sure he's still "in love" with me.

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written by heartbroken d , 18 January, 2010

this happened to me as well. i lied to my bf to avoid arguments. hes a bit insecure and the things i lied about would of only made him more. i thought i was helping. one of the lies i told, was about a guy i had went on dates with and got blown off. he texted me out of the blue one day and i tried to act like i was better or something. like a game. he wanted to meet up with me (which i never would have) so i stated id call him later and never did. blowoff for blowoff. but when my bf found the texts...needless to say he didnt see the innocence in them. I love him so much and have been his 110%. but this last lie hurt too much. now im alone and in love with a man i hurt and cannot have. it feels too much to bear at times. oh my love...im sorry

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written by asughoinoinia , 30 January, 2010

I messed up to, I cant even eat or walk around normally....I feel ill. Hes giving me another chance but i fear at any moment he will decide to break up with me because of a stupid lie. Trust is so important and I would do anything to keep him. I love him so much. I cant lose him...

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written by ..... , 05 February, 2010

Please Please Help Me! I've lied to my boyfriend a lot. We've been dating for about a year now, and I just told him the truth about my past. He got so upset. It's not that what I did was really bad, because it's not like if I cheated on him, but the fact that I lied for about a year kills me inside. And I still have a couple of thing's that I haven't confessed yet. I don't know what to do. I love him more than my own life and I do not want to lose him. I know he loves me, he has proved it many times. But now I do not know what to do. I don't want to let him go, but I feel as if he deserves better than me. I am nothing but a lier.

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written by bittersweet , 14 February, 2010

i know exactly how you all feel, me and my boyfriend broke up a week ago because of lies that i had said i let my insecurities get the best of me i felt that i couldnt measure up to him because the age difference and in comparison to experience so i felt i had to lie. he found out i kept denying it then he broke up with me later on in the week it bugged me i felt that if i really loved him he deserved to know the truth when we broke up he was so mean to me but i took everything that i could all his words he was calling me..it hurt and they cut so deep i know it might be too late at the same time i love him but hate him!..

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written by dashara , 11 March, 2010

I recently lied to my bf about talking to one of my male friends online, he asked me when was the last time i talked to him i was hesitating to say Monday, but i just told him last week, he had already knew the answer. the same night we got into an argument about that and him going to dinner with a female friend. we broke up but i still live with him, I've lied several times with him. but the lies were little, not huge ones like cheating on him. he is my first and i want him to be the only one for me, i cant see myself with other guys. he has to move to Korea for a yr and says if he feels he can trust me he well take me with him the next time he moves. i really hope that he still has feelings of me when he return.

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written by dashara , 11 March, 2010

I recently lied to my bf about talking to one of my male friends online, he asked me when was the last time i talked to him i was hesitating to say Monday, but i just told him last week, he had already knew the answer. the same night we got into an argument about that and him going to dinner with a female friend. we broke up but i still live with him, I've lied several times with him. but the lies were little, not huge ones like cheating on him. he is my first and i want him to be the only one for me, i cant see myself with other guys. he has to move to Korea for a yr and says if he feels he can trust me he well take me with him the next time he moves. i really hope that he still has feelings of me when he return.

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written by guilty... , 16 March, 2010

My boyfriend went through a stage where he felt he needed to know everything about my past - how many guys have you slept with, how many one night stands, how many guys did you leave the bar with and what did you do with them, etc etc. A lot of the time I lied to him about the answers. I dont think its any of his business what I did before I met him. I have been nothing but faithful to him since the day I met him so I dont know why he keeps pushing for these answers. We both love each other very much, and are planning on moving in together. Now I am terrified that he will find out the truth and everything will fall apart. I know he could never forgive me but I feel so guilty - about the lies and about past. I never felt guilty about my past until I met him and he made me feel like if I told him the truth I would be the girl that he wouldnt want to get involved with. Now I have to decide to take these secrets to the grave (hopefully) or come clean and risk losing the guy I thought I was going to marry

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written by KatelynMoran , 17 March, 2010

The same thing happened me last night I lied to my boyfriend to avoid arguing about giving a guy my phone number on myspace and I forgot my bf knew my account information and I tried to deny it but I got caught in a lie he broke up with me and told me I was a compulsive liar I was heart broke. He is the love of my life and today I did everything in my power to get him back all it took was a sincere apology and I told him I loved him and he was the only one I wanted. We are now back together and I will never lie to hI again.

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written by ASHLOV89 , 23 March, 2010

I WAS WITH MY PARTNER FOR 3 MONTHS AND I GOT PREGNANT AND HAD AN ABORTION AND THEN WHEN HE WANTED 2 BREAK UP WITH ME I LIED AND SAID I DID'NNT GET THE ABORTION TO KEEP HIM AROUND AND EVERYTHING HAS BACKFIRED BECAUSE I KEPT PUTN LIES ON TOP OF LIES AND NOW SINCE HE FOUND OUT HE DONT WANNA HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BUT IN OUR SHORT TIME 2GETHA I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND IT HURTS SO BAD BECAUSE HE NEVA LIED CHEATED OR BETRAYED ME HE WAS A GREAT MAN 2 ME....HOW DO I GET HIM BACK OR SHOULD I JUST LET IT GO.

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written by Gwenny , 12 April, 2010

Hey there, My name is Gwen I'm 19 years old And have been with my Partner for 5 years. Had a beautiful daughter with him too. He's a great man and has done nothing wrong in the 5 years of being with me. But on the other side there's me... I have cheated and told lies upon lies and he has said if I don't go and get help on my lying and my insecurity and don't want to change then he doesn't want to be with me any more. And I really don't want that to happen as I love him so much I couldn't live or be with out him . So I'm going to call my Gp and talk to my doctor in getting me in to group therapy or something to help me as I need it. And don't want to lose the man I care about ..
So I need to change and I will do all it takes to gain trust with my boyfriend as never want to lose him .

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written by KatrinaP , 17 April, 2010

I withheld information from my boyfriend about going to visit my ex because I didn't want him to be mad or give me a hard time. To be honest I didn't care if he broke up with me or not because we had a lot of issues and I wasn't truly happy. I just would have preferred to have broken up because it just wasn't working so that we could be friends. His friendship was more important to me than our romantic relationship. Now I feel sad that I lost my friend.

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written by Shanda , 22 April, 2010

Hi, How are ya? I am not doing good cause I am still love with my ex very much, but it probably too late now he might have new girlfriend now so I lied too much I wish I didn't lied first place stupid So I wish I could called him and make up to him for my every lied I ever had made in past yea so there nothing I can do get him back

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written by regretful , 29 May, 2010

I was with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We've been through so much together. And we have been doing so well lately! Still in love, talking about dreams and marriage and careers. But last week, I told him something that destroyed all of that. Back in 2006, we had broken up. Thinking that it was really over, I fooled around with some guy. Not long into it, I had to get up and tell this guy, "I'm sorry, I don't want to do this" and that was the end of that. I still really wanted to be with my bf and to my surprise, we got back together REALLY soon after that. Since then, throughout the years, he's asked me about my sexual history (who, where, what happened, how many times) and hid this from him. Honestly, I couldn't see him wanting to be with me if I told him the truth. But for the last year, things have gotten so much better. I'll never know why then, just last week, I decided to tell my bf about that sad moment in 2006. He's such a good man that I just had to get it out and be honest. Now my bf(ex) is pissed. He can't stand me. Just last week we were so in love and now he's talking about how he wants to be with someone else and he wants to sleep with other girls. He can't stop saying that I'm such a liar and fake. But I'm not that girl that made that mistake. I've grown up and only want to be with him until God takes me from this earth. But because I hid it, now all of the beauty in our relationship is gone.
And just like all the other posts here, there's no happy ending. He doesn't want to be with me and I'm so heartbroken that its making me sick.

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written by forsaken , 30 May, 2010

I'm in the same boat. I lied about my past as well. and there was one lie in the beginning of the relationship. We've been together for two wonderful years. I got together with him after a terrible break up and I was not ready to share the details of my past. Over the years I've come clean about one thing after the other. But I always felt so horrible about myself because of his reactions and because I was seeing myself through his eyes as a liar and a bad person. I just gave him a letter divulging the last of it. Of course now it is over. I know that I've lost the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me. He says I've destroyed his life. Judging from these other letters, I see there is no hope when breaking someone's trust. I screwed up. Now I'll be one of those people who will live my life alone grieving for the 'one that gt away'. He really always forgave me and he tried very hard to trust me again. But this last straw was too much. I knew what would happen even before I wrote the letter, but I had to do it. I couldn't go on lying to the man I love. God forgive me.

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written by Evee , 04 June, 2010

Hiya
I am in the same spot I have lied to my bf of 8 mos and I hate myself for it. He told me over and over to be honest with him but I couldn't bring myself to do it for fear I would lose him anyway. I don't know if I am still with him or not he will not talk to me and to make things worse I insulted him when we were talking it out. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone before and know he is truly that one person for me. I hate that I messed it up like I did. I wish I could go back and start all over and do things the right way but life doesn't work that way. To all those that still have the chance to work things out just be honest.

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written by Saddest Girl on Earth , 04 June, 2010

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years. Most of the time we were soo happy. I loved him more than anything in this world...and he made me sooo happy. Even when he made me sad, I always forgave him...even for cheating on me with a prostitute. Somehow, he started to suspect something of me. When we first met, I told him I was a virgin...but he thinks that I am not...how he came to this conclusion, I don't know. But he is not speaking to me, and told me how he felt he wasted his time, money, and was foolish about someone who didn't deserve it. I was always honest with him. And he refuses to tell me what he is mad about, just calls me a liar. If I forgave him for cheating...why can't he forgive me for whatever he is angry with me about? I hope that if I give him some time...that I can call him, not to make up...but just be at peace with each other. That's my only wish....I'm completely devastated!

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written by none of yo bizness , 06 June, 2010

oh come on really? Ladies stop lying and men stop being silly bitches. Too many fish in the sea for all this foolishness.

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written by screwed up74 , 15 July, 2010

I am in the same mess as all of you. I lied to my boyfriend about 6 months ago and he forgave me, after saying a lot of terrible things to each other. I swore I'd never do it again. I swore I was done lying to him. We've been together for almost a year and a half now and through this whole thing he's felt like he can't trust me or believe me or anything. I never gained his trust back. And I always said he was crazy for not trusting me because I never do anything (which was 100% true). Then today I lied to him about a guy texting me and I said I swear to god on our relationship and on his life and everything that he and my friend were the only people I had texted today. Apparently, he had set up for that guy to text me and the guy told him the entire conversation which consisted of me trying being short and trying to end it. Seriously. I said I have to go at twice then just stopped answering. There were probably no more than 8 messages from me. But even though there was absolutely nothing to hide, I lied to my boyfriend. I did it because I wanted to avoid an argument and because I didn't want to make it seem like he actually had a reason to think I cheat or talk to and see other guys other than him, which aside from texting this guy this morning, and his best friend looking for him the other day, I don't. Honest. I even went to his house to try and talk to him today. But now he's talking to his ex that he cheated on me with, I forgave him for, and saying they are hanging out ALONE this weekend. And saying that we are over. I have been hysterically crying because I am obviously hurt. I am in love with him and he is the only person I want to be with. Ive never wanted anything more than I do now. And I am absolutely positive. We had plans, were young, but we talked about our future and everything. Now he's saying he was stupid to ever trust me and he never can again. I don't know what to do. I hope we're not over and I don't want to think this, but I think we will be. I've forgiven him tons and tons of times, and I've really only messed up twice before this. But this time, it's bad. I don't know what else I can do. I feel helpless. If anyone has advice I would REALLY appreciate it.

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written by well , 21 July, 2010

my bf of 6 yrs neglected to give me some important information and i had to hear this information from someone else. i feel like he betrayed me and broke the trust. I want to make him feel the way i feel.
He did not cheat or anything. What he did is he did not call me to tell me he was hanging out with this old lady friend he knows her and her husband for many years. She told me and the fact that he didnt tell me is a blow to the gut. I feel like doing something to him but i dont want to change who i am ..i am a good person. I feel betrayed

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written by I feel your pain , 24 July, 2010

I'm so surprised to read so many similar stories. I lied to my boyfriend about my past. After one year he asked me to be honest, I told him most things in this conversation but not everything. Later that same day it all came out and he feels as he gave me that chance to tell him everything and I didn't that he can't trust me any more. I feel stupid for lying but I knew he'd judge me and I didn't feel confident enough with him just to tell the truth in the beginning as I had been with more people than him. I've begged him to stay and I have told him every single thing now but he says he can't believe me. I think he will never be able to trust me and the questions would always continue. I feel heartbroken and so bad for hurting him but his unreasonable need to know every single thing (who, why, how many times) is overbearing. I wonder if the men who need to know all these answers about their partners past have something in common? Because most of my friends boyfriends don't want to know and don't want to hear it so they don't ask!

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written by Jenk , 11 August, 2010

What should you do? Very simple answer sweetheart... STOP LYING!

It doesn't matter if it will do any good with him. If you want anyone to trust you, don't lie... period. You don't just stop lying if it gets you what YOU want. You do it because you care enough about the other person (& yourself) to be real (HONEST).

Of course you want him to trust you. Frankly, if it was too difficult to keep your promises, you are not right for him. He obviously wants someone who is strong enough to be honest. If that's not you, he deserves someone who is.

It's really not that complicated. Tell the truth and people will learn that you tell the truth and they will trust you. Trust is earned. When you lie, trust is broken & it's much more difficult to "fix a broken glass" as you say than it is to keep it from breaking in the first place.

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