| I do not understand my ex-husband's manipulative ways |
|
In 1996 I found my spouse to be having an affair. For the next four years it was back and forth between attempts to keep the marriage.
Set as favorite
Bookmark
Email this
Hits: 20639 Comments
(42)
been there
written by Ginny , 03 March, 2007
Check the narcissistic disorder known as [NPD] many of my answers were found there it is Sam Vakin has a web page about this disorder and why this disorder has many clues to explain the behavior and why it is hard to pinpoint [NPD] actually it will give you some compassion for them highly unlikely they can be cured {been there lived that}
Votes: +3
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by abby , 05 March, 2007
I would just like to thank you for this site. It has assisted me very much in trying to understand some of the difficult paradox's of some very challenging human behaviors and feelings. I appreciate as well, having a place where my voice (and others) can be heard. Someone once said something like: "People will not be remembered for what they did or for their life accomplishments, what people will remember the most is how you make them feel."
Votes: +2
This particular behavior of "deception" (especially in relationships) can be so damaging to all or any parties involved. Perhaps in talking about such a subject will erase the "taboo" and open a path to truth rather than lies. I appreciate too, hearing others comment back - thank you for letting me know that I am not alone and for sharing your insight. This has all helped "me" get through (a bit further) my own difficulties. So, "Thank-you"  report abuse
vote down
vote up
relationships
written by understanding , 16 March, 2007
What helped me was to get involved with different groups like al-anon, AA, etc. I also read endless books on affairs, it help me understand my situation better and how I dealt with different issues. Thankful...
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by LCfrosty , 19 June, 2007
I can relate to the betrayed one in the relationship. I always wondered how and why he could do the things that he did to me also. It never made sense to me. It still doesn't. I learned though that part is true about how some people approach relationships as a "game" He was one of those and I was sincere. I gave my whole heart and trusted him with it. If he only knew how much that was supposed to mean to him. I thought it meant something, but he was good at reading me and knew what I wanted to hear or actually what I thought he felt. He is still the self centered, manipulative, heart shattering monster he has always been. I thought if he looked good he must be good but then again I was 17 what else do you look for at that age? He begged to marry me and take care of me and took my virginity (oh yeah I had to go there.) I gave him the best years of my life and three beautiful children and have never been respected or treated with any kind of compassion or love from that man and never will. His mind might well be hollow inside because he is. And all I got was 10 years of growing up real fast - learning what this world is really like. He left us in a motel room and never looked back.
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Hurricane Katrina , 19 June, 2007
I understand. I'm just going through something similar, only I have a five year old daughter involved. My ex married the woman he was having an affair with 7 months after our divorce was final. It's hard not to wonder why? why? WHY? No matter what he says, you and your children didn't deserve the pain he put you through. He gave me the same lines (basically - it was all my fault, I didn't make him happy, etc, etc. He left me holding the bag financially and emotionally with our child. He now tries to manipulate her and accuses me of everything he can. It's so tough. My heart goes out to you, and is right there with you. It's "easier said than done" finding what makes you happy, when you spent so much time trying to make someone else happy...
Votes: +9
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by MacNaughton , 29 October, 2007
It is hard to believe that so many people have went through everything I did also. I had such terrible time with it because I am 51 and he fell for the gal down the road from us and there is 13 years different in age. He appeared to be such a wonderful true believer in the marriage and I thought I found my soulmate and the perfect man.
Votes: +4
It just hurts so much to know that you were so wrong and believed so strongly in someone that never existed. Also his family turned on me also and we too were so close. It is so much worse than a death. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by written by Gonzalez, February , 18 February, 2008
Wow, I thought only this kind of stuff could happen to me. My youngest daughter is getting married and my cheating ex-husband, never-been-there-for-our-two-daughters father, thinks he should walk her down the aisle to impress his new girlfriend (5th fiance) still married to his 4th wife. God forbid he look like a bad father. Does this make any sense? Plus, all his failing marriages are his ex-wives fault..go figure. That really gets me mad, but my daughters would rather take the crumbs he throws their way just in case one day he might change. Definitely another issue. Am I bitter, I guess so. I hurt more for my daughters because of their father's neglect. His close friends didn't even know he had two older daughters. Ghee whiz!
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by irishmcg , 20 February, 2008
WOW! I feel like you are reading my life.... I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years legally. At 8.5 years after I paid and supported him to get a degree and certification he left me. Looking back there were so many lies and so many manipulations. I hurt because I truly loved him, even as an alcoholic. He said he never loved me. He is with another woman now and I continue to be the bag of trash he threw away. He is an unreliable father. The kids never come first as he said they would. It is his schedule, his girl and his life. I am content raising the kids practically by myself. I have learned that right now it is my role to be the best mother I can be. Manipulation, lying, alcoholism rocked me to my core. So did divorce. I take one step at a time, one day at a time. I have to. I know he was not in God's plan for me. I recommend keeping a journal about your feelings and his tangible behaviors. Divorce destroys dreams I had. He never understood marriage as a commitment (his dad was married 5 times and mom, 2). He grew up if you didn't like marriage you can get out of it. Amazing.....
Votes: +1
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by miserable , 11 April, 2008
Reading all of this, it all sounds like my own life. But I am still married to him. He has been out and then manipulates his way back in, usually using the kids. The kids make it so hard to break away. They are desperate for his attention. He gives it only when he feels like it. It is painful to see this. I know he is miserable, yet refuses to seek or accept help. I guess it is the alcohol. It is just so hard to navigate your way out. I feel the guilt for the kids, etc. And I do not understand him. How drinking and friends can be more important than your 2 kids. I know I cannot change him. It hurts to think about how someone you have given so much to can be so self-absorbed. None of it makes any sense.
Votes: +3
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Melia , 01 May, 2008
Yes! I'm not the crazy one my Ex claims that I am, I was getting worried! We have been divorced for a year, and his New girlfriend ( of 6 months) has "issues" with me. She is jealous, and insecure about everything, and though he and I got along,and were able to communicate really well before she came along, she has separated me from the picture entirely, my ex in-laws are even tense around me, when we were always close. My daughter too feels that this woman has disrupted the family, and friendships. I mean I understand her concerns, and feelings, don't get me wrong, I too would worry a little. I don't feel there was any need to hurt and disrespect me because he wanted to impress her. He has hurt our daughter as well, but she has only ever wanted her father to focus solely on her, and so she has made it clear to him that if they spend time together it will be w/ out the new GF. I have tried to relate my hurt to him, because he tells me that I am the one who is being difficult and our daughter's choice of how she spends time w/ her father is my fault, she's 17. I know I am and can be stubborn and difficult, and sometimes I feel very ashamed of it. She, the GF did some really nasty things to me, and now wants to be friends and I am refusing. He tells me that he loves me all the time, and that he misses me. He makes it out like he doesn't really care for her as much as he says, and leads me to believe that he wants to reconcile, Then he "slaps" me back into reality with ("Well I want to be with her, not you! This is really hard for me, to separate how I feel about the 2 of you, and that is why she gets so upset") But then she lashes out at me for it. I have asked her to please never contact me again after the last episode, and I got more crap for it. ("why can't you just forget the past and what she has done, she reached out to you and you rejected her!") What? okay, um.. I don't think I need to have a relationship with her, do I? Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a vicious loop with him, and he is trying to get my approval, though he says he isn't. And there are times when I call him, begging him to just please let me go. I need to move on, like he did, I need to not cry whenever I think of a happy memory that I can never share with the person I had them with, and feel ashamed of having because SHE will get upset. I have been trying to heal, but he ropes me back in, I asked him for closure, he said he didn't know how to give it to me. It has been very stressful, and hard. But, I am learning how to be ME without HIM, I am getting out there and doing things that make ME happy, and one day I hope I will heal. Thanks for letting me know I am not going MAD!
Votes: +2
 report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Lila , 08 August, 2008
My husband did the same thing. I now believe that he is a narcissist and addict. He was never able to show affection or love. He is marrying the woman he left me for and blames me for everything. He too went back and forth . Now he tries to use the kids against me. He is often nasty when I have to talk with him. I cannot believe I was with that man for 25 years. The closure you will get is in realizing that you married a man with a character dis-order. He will never change and he was never the man you thought he was or believed he could be. Closure is accepting this. It was never about you it was always about him. Normal people do not solve their problems with lies and deceptions.
Votes: +15
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by karen42 , 08 February, 2009
My ex of 20 years was and is having an affair with his coworker. When I asked him about it he said I was crazy. I couldn't take the mental abuse and spoke to an atty. I told him to get out or I'll get a court order - he would threaten to leave me but never would. Anyway, one afternoon he went to the police station and told them I pushed him and they arrested me. He gave me $40 and sent his sisters to bring me home to him - when I refused and went to my mom's The following month was hell while I waited for him to dismiss the charges which he did - however, he sat in the courtroom telling me how I was worth nothing that he wasn't going to look bad for me that he knew if he dismissed the charges the ax would fall - what the heck her I am arrested for nothing and he was worried about what he look like. I filed for divorce and he countered for full custody of the kids. I won the custody and am divorced. He is still in the house with his slut who was also married. I've forced the sale but it's taking forever. He also cheated on me 10 years prior with a different co-worker and of course send he'd never do it again. Lesson learned never give narcissistic men any threats because they will plot again you like you can't believe. He has never said was sorry I was with him since I was 18 and I truly believed in him. What a huge mistake. Now I'm alone with 2 kids while he's with the girlfriend, the dog and the house. Life is unfair. Plus he would accuse me of cheating which I never did the whole time he was. Absolutely no remorse what so ever. All I ever hear is that I'm taking to much child support and he can't pay the mortgage (which is in both our name) because of me. Yet I live in an apt with the kids in a lousy neighborhood while he is enjoying the great neighborhood. And when the house sells he gets to live in his girlfriends house. I just hope the cheat on each other and feel the pain they caused me and I hope it is soon. What good can come from two people who betrayed their spouses for each other.
Votes: +8
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Christy96 , 20 February, 2009
This forum shows one thing, there are a LOT of us in the same boat. It's nice to be able to vent to others who you feel will understand. The worst thing these manipulative types do to us is to make us feel isolate -- like we're crazy or not thinking right or all alone. I look at my son's junior high friends and the cruelty of children that age but some people never seem to outgrow that stage. They are stuck in that mentality and will always be the "mean kids". DO NOT LET THEM STEAL THE JOY FROM YOUR LIFE! Don't try to wrap your mind around what he does because you do NOT deserve this. Sad fact is that some "adults" do lie. Better alone than in bad company! You only have one life to live and none of us know when our time will be up so how do you want to look back on your life at that moment? That's what I tell myself when my ex-husband is raking me over the coals.
Votes: +4
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Loretta55 , 09 March, 2009
Theres a lot of them out there. My husband has lied again and again about a relationship with a woman. I found no end of clues and evidence over the years and each time he convinced me that it was me. I was untrusting. Finally I found text messages confirming my suspicions and I wanted out. He has never told me why. He wouldnt go to counseling. He made life hell for me that I had no choice but to end it. I only hope that he realizes that this woman is only in it for his money and he lives to regret the day that he cheated on me. It would give me huge satisfaction.
Votes: +3
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by the fool , 17 March, 2009
I feel like a big stupid fool. About 2 years ago my husband started being very cold towards me and told me that he did not want to show any signs of affection towards me but he still loved me. I believed him, about two days ago I got a call from a woman he said that she has been texting. phoning and emailing my husband for a year now. He says that it is nothing and that I am just reading into this too much. Everything that she told me she has proof of and he will not show me the messages that he sent her. She has asked to meet with me and show me all the messages he has sent her. I feel like a fool, I see other women at the park or anywhere and I wonder, what do they have that I don't have? Why are their husbands not cheating? What have I done wrong? I have treated this man like a king, I serve him practically hand and foot. He lies and lies, how can I believe him now if he has never told me the truth in the past. It hurts so much, the pain is incredible and he tells me to stop crying and this is what he hates about me, the fact that I cry and have no back bone. I have always been like this and not just now. I am a weak individual but now I seem even weaker. Today I asked him to leave and when he told our three young children they started to cry, so I looked like the bad guy. By the end of the whole thing I took it back and told him that I want to save our relationship. Am I crazy?
Votes: -1
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by SJB , 28 March, 2009
Love is patient, love is kind...I had forgotten this. I divorced my spouse who had been verbally abusive. Well, we have both changed, and I want to reconcile and remarry. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is seeing this woman who helped him over the rough spots... stroked his ego. I just want him to square up with me and say that either we will reconcile or not. That's all. If it's no, then my heart will be broken, but at least I know that I will move on with my single life. If it is yes, then woo hoo! Either way, I thank God for the last 6 months that we've been together...they have been great and just a blessing.
Votes: -2
You are never a fool for loving your spouse...God commands it... I just wished I had remembered all of God's teachings and stuck out my marriage. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by the fool , 30 March, 2009
Thank you SJB, as the days go by I am starting to feel better and he seems to really be trying to save this marriage. He is being nice to me, something I haven't experienced in a long time. It is just really difficult, and I am afraid it will not last.
Votes: -2
Thanks again, you and my other friends have made me feel better. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Please read this , 13 May, 2009
I am in the same boat as you. I am struggling everyday figuring out why this happened to me.. and why I let it happen. When I was in college, I had these beautiful plans and I realize most of all that I am mourning the loss of that dream. I have decided not to waste anymore time. I have lost enough already and this is only hurting me. He is out of my life.. which is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Just forgive your self. Meditate.. think about a higher purpose. Volunteer for the poor and the needy.. I mean.. there are people out there who don't even have a home.. or people old folks who can't care for themselves.. I can't sit at home and feel bad anymore.. You said you left him because it hurt too much.. well your hurting hasn't stopped. Take control of your life and don't let him get to you anymore.
Votes: +3
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by aisha29 , 16 May, 2009
OMG, i feel so much better reading all your stories (not happy that you've been thru so much though). I too am married to a man who lies and lies and lies and cheats and all the rest. My youngest is two now and i found out a few weeks after he was born that my husband had been having an affair with someone for over a year. He'd walked out on me and my eldest son when i was three months pregnant with the youngest and returned when i was seven months pregnant and then left again after two weeks and then returned a few days after i'd given birth. The thing is i got all the proof i needed, text messages, his mobile phone bill which showed he'd ring her at least seven to ten times a day and would text her till 3am each day. Yet my darling husband denied it!! and said he didn't know what the other woman was on about and he used to ring her number because he was getting prank calls from it and i kept on reminding him i am not stupid but it gets so frustrating even now whenever the subject is brought up because he accuses me of being a "psycho"and making it all up. I recently found some photo's of him with a couple of strippers, now you'd think he couldn't worm his way out of this one but he said "the photo was put together using a computer by his mate. I didn't know whether to laugh or push him out of a window. So much more went on but it's not worth the effort going into it. I have now split from him and he continues to abuse me and accuse me of taking the kids away from him. I have never stopped him from seeing the kids but because i am claiming child support he doesn't want to see them. I am 29 years old and have been with him for nearly ten years and wish i had gotten out of this mess sooner. It is hard but you have to take each day as it comes and it's true what they say "time is a healer". Good luck to all of you Mwah x x
Votes: +5
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Stitchy , 09 January, 2010
The big question that was originally posted, was how does one get closure? I am curious as to how all of you are now dealing with the crazy ex and the paramour he left you for?
Votes: +8
My situation is like many of yours...My husband, my best friend of 14 years, up and left one day. So much deception and lies. He took all of our money, and went on luxury vacations with the whore, who btw, was also still legally married. Leaving my children and me penniless, evicted from our very large home, and my car being repossessed, despite court orders mandating he pay for them. He's since been fired from 5 jobs, 5 attorneys, and filed bankruptcy. It's been four years, and I still can't get him to settle and give me a divorce. He filed for full custody, not because he wants the children, but to hurt me. He has been uninvolved in their lives, has never attended a Parent teacher conference, etc., he has no relationship with my 15 year old daughter, because he emotionally abused her, and gave her the cold shoulder one too many times. Everything I read says I must forgive him and be civil toward him. Not only that, it is expected that I have a kind relationship with him "for the sake of the children." How does this benefit my children? How is it healthy for my children that I, as their stable role model, show that it's okay for someone to stick a knife in my back and pull it down? I don't care to have a relationship with him at all. I do not speak to him any longer. If he needs to communicate with me, it must be via text, email or mail. I have no use for him any longer. He chose to run away from his responsibilities. Why should I feel a responsibility to maintain a "kind" relationship with him? I would love to hear from someone who has been divorced, and has made a decision to cut him off emotionally and physically from their lives. I just want to know why that is so wrong to do. I feel it is the absolute right thing to do. I liken it to someone murdering a loved one, which would certainly ruin one's life, just as he has done to my children's lives and my life. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by 1happygirl , 12 January, 2010
OMG!I too have been through the same thing married young two kids 13 years later he walks out for another woman. I picked my self up filed for divorce moved on . I loved him with my whole heart and soul. I know now he was not worth it at all. I have two beautiful kids and thats all I'm thankful for. These men are lovers of themselves having no natural affection. The funny part is that I look great I feel great
Votes: +1
and I dont miss him anymore i moved on. The divorce is still on going as far as the financial part of it , he is still mean to me for no reason. He wont try to come to any agreement he wants things his way or no way. He is unhappy still living with his whore after two years, his mom says he is depressed . The weird thing is that he still tries to tell me what to do , tries to come into my home, . Why does he have that Jackle and Hyde persona what is up with that ? He was not like that at all he has gone mad ! I stay away from him I went out and got a life , i dont bother him or try to stalk him or her ... like I said I moved on . I have friends I go out with and have great time with . I have been able to do things that I was not able to enjoy being with him. I'm finding me !!! This divorce has been the best thing ever . The only downer is dealing with him when I have to deal with his psycho ass ! Why do they get crazy especially when they wanted the divorce ! I gave him what he wanted what the hell !!! report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Just*Me , 21 January, 2010
My situ is exactly the same, was with my ex 16 years, we split because he became abusive, turns out was because of an affair, he won't let me move on but the affair continues, Thank God I'm now only a few weeks away from the divorce being final, it's taken 2 1/2 years. I talked to my brother about why he still says he loves me wants me back yet continues his affair blah blah and my brother told me this which makes sense, hope it helps; "No matter what front he puts up blaming you and telling lies about you, he knows that what he did to you and those children was despicable and it's eating him up inside"
Votes: +1
I may add that I lost everything through it, home, car etc, he now has a serious heart problem, I'm thinking he's reaping what sowed. God bless x report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by a l l , 25 January, 2010
ive bin feeling really down and out and reading these has made me feel a bit better,i dont get it u give them everything? they cheat on u!!! and then they keep torturing u ,when they know it was them!!!! il never understand??
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Stitchy , 28 January, 2010
all, I'm glad this has helped you. It really does help me to read these blogs. To know that others are going through the same thing I am, helps me to know I am not crazy. Just me, I like your brother's advice, and 1Happy girl, I swear, I thought I was reading my own entry when I read yours!!!
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by strong , 02 February, 2010
i confronted my husband about being a manipulator is there hope from anyone that a person like this can change. Im in a huge debate with my self and strength. I feel he will destroy my children s self-esteem when they are older. He cheated and lied and more. I knew his history and never took it into consideration. The question is should i stick to this marriage counseling and play his game. Will he realize he is a manipulator and if he doesn't make effort he will leave negative impact on his children and him self. Trying to stay strong. Have to give it a try....or i will never know.
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by j saddler , 09 February, 2010
Been there done that! All I can say is your children will never be the same!
Votes: -1
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Moving forward... , 22 February, 2010
My story is the same...narcissist/self-absorbed soon to be ex-husband....started seeking greener pastures when my daughter was 6 months old. She's 2 now and fabulously unfettered by what's happening between ex and me for the following reason. It's not about me being kind or mean (which many associate with weak or strong)...it's about having clearly defined boundaries with him that I have to manage 24/7. As long as he is respectful, I am cordial (almost businesslike). The instant he shifts to the spiteful personality, I tell him the boundary he is crossing (i.e. "I am hanging up the phone now. When you can be respectful, we will continue the conversation." or "I am leaving now - or you are leaving now - when you have control over your emotions, we'll continue dialogue."
Votes: +6
For me, my two most favorite words (which brought back my sanity) are boundaries and consequences. Boundaries for how I expect to be treated, and consequences for not treating me in that fashion. Obviously, I don't have to be like that with everyone in my life - just those who have difficulty respecting boundaries. My hope is that it will teach my daughter how to teach people to treat her...if that makes sense. My other big revelation that has helped me with "closure" is reminding myself to take the high road. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes - like several others have said - I am so angry at him and disappointed that my dreams have been shattered, etc. - that I want him to hurt as badly as I/and all of you have been hurt. I've learned this: If I always take the high road (act in a way that I can be proud of) I'll never end up in the gutter!!! It's tough, I have earned my PhD, written two best-selling books, and I'm filing for divorce, filing for bankruptcy, and turning 40!!!!!!!!! It's going to be okay - how, I don't know yet - but I'm doing the right thing for me and for my daughter and both of our futures. All the other stuff....with "him"....is HIS stuff. I'm not responsible for it anymore - just me and the little one...and the dogs, and the horse...and everything else!! report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by betrayed over and over , 25 February, 2010
My story is the same as everyone else. No matter what people say or do, the pain of cheating and betrayal is at times unbearable. It's interesting of how every situation is all the same. The cheater is blaming the spouse of being pycho or the one that is the problem. They're actually talking about themselves. If you have one finger pointing, you have 4 pointing back. With me the husband is a lawyer so manipulation is part of his nature, sadly. The jokes about lawyers being that way is actually true. He can convince people into believing something that is not there will be there or to say this is blue but its actually red. Scary but true. That's how he convinced everyone (in his family) to believe that his affair is okay because she, the ho, is a supportive good person because she helped out the family. Really, her only motive is to have him and take all the materialistic things that we had established. She is divorce and a grandma (pervert old lady-he younger than him), so what makes her think this one will last with him. Once a cheater will always be a cheater, he said it himself before but at the time it was about someone else. They are just sick they need the help because there is something wrong with them
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Already Gone , 23 March, 2010
Ladies, there is hope... my ex-husband of 9 yrs out of the blue became verbally abusive and told me he didn't love me. I was repetitively left alone with my 6 month old and 2 yr old children and lied to when he denied an affair. I was also told i would find a "doctor" at the hospital where i work and be fine. Well after filing for divorce I did meet someone who is the best gift ever, He loves my children and yes he is a "doctor". My ex spouse and I get along now, and he is miserable and his life is falling apart one piece at a time! I believe my happiness is the sweetest revenge for the hell he put me through.
Votes: +2
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by So sad Wanda , 03 May, 2010
I am in the same situation, my ex husband left me for someone else. 20 years is such a long time to just turn the other way. I am in sooo much pain. He is now living with her and her 2 kids and my son too. I am so devastated, I cry and cry. I just hope that he will realize how good I was to him. And if he does, I hope that's when I have let go and moved on with my life. But right now I am very numb and so sad, cause my son is there too. I can not wait to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Votes: +0
 report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Getting on with life! , 11 May, 2010
I didn't realize my husband was married to all of you, too. I thought I was just his second wife. LOL. Each one of you have described either all or at least a portion of my relationship with my husband. It's difficult living through it and difficult when it ends because that's all you've known for many years, but it gets better as the days, weeks, and months pass. LIFE IS GOOD! Go out and make the best of it. Don't let him control and manipulate any more of your life. I whole heartedly agree with "Already Gone". Your happiness is the sweetest revenge.
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by happy again , 27 May, 2010
I am still going through a divorce from a verbally abusive, manipulative man for almost 4 years now in New York State. He lies to my sons (I have two sons 21 and 1
Votes: +1
 about me. He tries to turn them against me. But hasn't because he is never there for his sons and I am and they believe in me and see his ways and how his behavior is totally bizarre. My sons even told the judge on my case how they want to live with me not him. They see his ways. Children and young adults are very perceptive to these things even though you think they aren't. He is very manipulative, verbally & emotionally abusive and I consider him a very good con artist. Husband came to me about 6 years ago that his business wasn't doing well and that he needed to refinance the house to help his business stay afloat. I believed him and refinanced to help us keep the business and our home, but it turned out that he was plotting to con me out of my half of the house and now that I am divorcing him, after many years of him threatening to divorce me, I have discovered through forensic reports and documents that have been court ordered from the court that husband has been hiding money, not paying payroll taxes to where the IRS is even after him to pay back taxes and have at times frozen his accounts. I have taken the initiative and am in the middle of a divorce battle. He has even tried to con the judge into thinking he has no money. But yet takes expensive cruises, vacations etc with one girlfriend after another but lies to the judge and says he doesn't have any thing. The guy is messed up but can be a really good con artist. Six months after I filed for divorce he suffered a bad heart attack and has been having to deal with the affects of that. Funny how life has a way of coming full circle to an abuser. Ladies if you are in an abusive relationship use all your resources that are available to you (family, friends, support groups etc). Go out and get yourself on your feet again if you have given up your job etc for the bum. Independence is key to surviving an abusive relationship and with the help of family and friends and some strength in taking that step you will see that you will be much happier and glad you did. Good Luck to all in this endeavor but it is well worth knowing that you will not have to endure the abuse and manipulative ways again and can live your life without fear. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by justlikeme , 05 June, 2010
Just hearing what all of you ladies went through makes me feel that I am not alone. My ex-husband and I were married for nearly 13 yrs. We separated at the end of 2008-it was mutual, yet I begged him to go to counseling for years and even while we were separated. He even moved me out and though I was crying and telling him I want to stay, he told me that "we just need some time apart". We saw each other all during the separation. Spending weekends together (we have a small child), I constantly asked him all the time what was going on, etc. Finally, he told me it was his "goal" to work things out. I was so happy that he had told me this. Yet, here was the start of the end-he was saying one thing, but doing another.
Votes: +1
He began to be verbally abusive and he was so mean to me, I didn't understand it. He left our child alone in the house while he was passed out on the bed. He was going out to bars. He would follow me around our house to make sure I wouldn't check the computer for emails, etc. He told me had lots of "female friends" and not to be jealous, yet he would sleep with his cell phone attached to his shorts. I kept asking him if it was over or if he was seeing someone to please tell me-he kept assuring me it was his "goal" to work things out, blah blah blah. Finally, Halloween weekend 2009 was so horrible. He spoke to me maybe 10 words all weekend. A short time later I confronted him and basically forced him to tell me what was going on. You know what he said? "I don't love you like a wife and haven't loved you since our child was born"..."Life is too short to be this miserable"..."I want a divorce because we don't like the same kind of music"..."I am done with you" He didn't even have the guts to end it-I had make him tell me. I did my own little background investigation, and the girl I suspected was the one he was seeing. I found pictures of her and him together. Yes, my UPS driver husband was cheating on me with a girl 11 yrs. younger than him who already has 2 kids and is divorced. She knew he was married and seeing me. She didn't care. He didn't care. I found out through obtaining phone records (all utilities were in my name) that he had been talking to her for months-I mean sometimes it was 8 times a day-and this doesn't even include cell phone, texts, emails, etc. The worst was that he allowed this slut to sleep overnight in our house with our child there just a few weeks after I was there all weekend. My shampoo was upstairs, my clothes, etc. all there. We were still married, she is spending the night, and my husband says "her car broke down". He denied having a girlfriend forever. Then I found out on Facebook she says she is in a relationship with MY HUSBAND!! Had his picture there, pictures of her and him at our house, you wouldn't believe it. That is how I finally found out. I feel so cheap, used, and violated. I feel so absolutely disgusting; I wish I had better judgment. I trusted him so much-I have known him for 17 yrs. Anyhow I have been divorced for the past 2 months. We are still in dispute over some of the mediation and property issues. He is SO mean to me-it has gotten so bad that I cannot even talk to him on the phone. He wants to make everything into an argument on purpose. He is not even civil with me, even though this is what he wants. He is still with the slut, and I put $ on it that they will be married (or she will be pregnant) by the end of the year. I can't stand that she is around our child. Anyhow, I also so desperately want closure. I think of all the times I literally begged him to work things out. Little did I know he was already with someone else. I thought I knew his character, but I didn't know him at all. I have been told by professionals that he is passive-aggressive, and he is very superficial. I never saw it, but looking back, there were definite signs. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It hurts so bad that someone you were faithful and honest with could hurt you so bad with absolutely NO remorse. I used to cry to him and say "as the mother of your child, as a human being, don't I deserve to be treated with respect?" and I would get no response. It feels like being punched in the back from someone sneaking up behind. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by unknown , 06 June, 2010
I typed in "husband abuse husband having affair marriage bankruptcy" and came across this site.
Votes: +1
My thoughts were that "I know that I am not the only one out there" "what can I do?" So I Google'd it! I have been with my husband for 20 years last month. Married for 13 out of the 20. Anyhow, when we first got together he did coke and was abusive and then he straightened up and got off the stuff and just drank beer. After 3 years of him not doing drugs, we got married.. I had 2 children from a previous (stupid-young marriage) and we had a daughter that was around 2. He was a really good father. Life was good. We were living the "American Dream". His mom passed away in 2000 and he started blaming the world and everyone in it and stopped going to Church. Got abusive, change, got abusive again, changed back, abusive... on and on He even taught our daughters how to manipulate and hate mom. "Worse mom in the world" "She doesn't make enough money" Even though I sacrificed everything to help our children along the way. I was not planning on my dignity to be included in the sacrifice either. Anyhow, fast forward to today.. Hubby had a few problems with his back and had a stroke a few years ago (noticed that heart problems were indicated on the site). Doctors start issuing all sorts of narcotic pain medications. Hydracordone, Lora tab, Oxycontin, etc. We go back to the above scenario. I am an independent contractor/worker that does office admin, internet marketing and advertising and get paid anywhere from $15-40 an hour. Not a lot, but enough to have a decent monthly income. Anyhow, he can't even pay a lousy $1,500 mortgage bill and he makes over $40K a year. So, I am suppose to pay that as well??? He seems to want to live free and die hard! Literally, last night I asked him where all his money is going, he says "the kids". I ask the kids and they tell me that "I work 50 hours a week" and "I have two jobs" because they don't want to ask dad for money. (They are just as afraid of him) So my question was "where is the money going?" He couldn't answer and decided to pop me in the temple because that was easier. The police remove him from the house for the night and he comes back in the morning and tells me that he stayed with his girl friend last night and it has been going on for 2 years. I NEVER HAD A CLUE! When we got married, we made an agreement- that if he ever slept with someone else (or I) to at least tell about it and we can go do what we need to do. He didn't even tell me until I called the cops on him for hitting me. The reason why? We are trying to sell our house and I spent almost 2 months of fixing, repairing and painting the house so we could move to our next goal. HE USED ME! Who else was going to do all that work? I lost a lot of money because I was working on the house and not my job. In my opinion, these guys are me.me type of guys and in realty- they can't even like or love who they are. If you can't like or love yourself- my question to you is.. How can you like or love someone else and pay it forward? So, now I am the devastated "wife" that never had a clue because I didn't see how it could have happened. Now, I took a drive for 3 hours today to try and clear my head and I came to the following conclusion.. We have sex every 4-6 months, he "lost" his wedding band 2 months ago while cleaning up the yard, and we had a friend offering us a free vacation on the Cape to get away from it all and he didn't want to go. Just so you know.. We have been going to the Cape for 20 years. Last question? Why would you not want to go? Answer: Infidelity! These are all clues that I should have paid attention to and didn't even realize. I hope this will help some of you out there that are wondering "what is going on?" And, I do understand how this pain (other than death) is one of the worst emotions that we will ever have to experience in our lifetime. In reflection to death- it is an experience of an end to a relationship. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by --------- , 01 July, 2010
Wow, I am thrilled to have found this site! The stories on here are all so similar and mine is absolutely no different. I am having a very difficult time of letting go of the idea of what I thought I had. There are days when I think it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Those days are the most difficult. When you are given lies, when you are faced with deception...it's so difficult to see the reality of the situation. On the day my ex and I separated, he moved into her home. After 2 years, he still calls to say I love you, I don't know what I'm doing, I'd do anything for you...and then he never does anything about it. For awhile I would allow myself to actually believe that after telling me those lovely manipulative words that he would actually change. Not anymore. I'm trying to learn not to be emotionally invested in that anymore. Encouraging communication through text and email only also helps. If it weren't for our children I'd never have to speak to him at all. Having to communicate makes it hard to always keep boundaries. I'm not perfect and occasionally listen longer than I should. But at least now I can recognize the manipulation and see it as that. Thanks for sharing your stories. All of you have helped me feel not so alone!
Votes: +1
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by *** , 11 July, 2010
Same story. Married young. Had children young. He became unhappy after I encouraged and helped him to get a college degree after 19 years. Yes, the other woman was a co-worker whom he claims was just friends. Now years later, we are divorced. He is remarried to the "just friend" with two children. He hadn't been involved in our children lives but has decided it is time. My children have welcome him with open arms. I know this says a lot about the kind of mother and woman that I am to have raised children like this, but I feel betrayed by my own. Okay, I wish he would crawl back into the hole where he can from for the past 10 years!!!!
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by Kiwi Angie , 15 July, 2010
Hello ladies
Votes: +1
 so so common I cannot believe it. Same story; with him for 23 years married for 17, two great children. Everyone (including me) thought we had the perfect life; he was my soul mate. But one day just after his 40th birthday, he became emotionally detached to me and unbeknown to me, he somehow decided grass might be greener if he were with my best friend (mid life crisis? probably). I was devastated and just wanted to die. He moved out for a week but then a took him back. He then proceeded to yo-yo between his family and her and after about a year, I couldn't take it any more, so had to leave. Now 2.5 years later, he is still with her and tells me he is happy but also feels sad about what he's had to give up to be with her. I've been with the really nice guy for about 2 years who I have leaned on heavily during this time and who loves me and treats me like a princess. So I guess I am lucky to have found someone like that - however the separation from my husband still hurts like crazy and just this week she has opened up a Facebook page and posted photos of MY husband, MY daughter with her and her 2 daughters... and I gotta tell ya, that absolutely gutted me and I kept waking up last night and seeing it. So do you ever really really get over the betrayal of losing your gorgeous husband to someone else?... well for me, I'm beginning to seriously doubt it. report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by stuck in wisconsin , 24 July, 2010
Same song...married 28 years 3 kids, 3 cats. My ex spent 18 years living a double life with his secretary or the HO as we call her. he worked in Atlanta during the week for the last 8 years and bought the HO a awesome and expensive townhouse, lived there with her during the week and then came home to his fake happy family on the weekends. got caught by my accessing his phone records and figuring out he spent time with her at our second house. has shoved her in my face and my kids face over the years. Brought her to our houses, had her go shopping with us, she has been to my kids basketball games...and the whole time she was having sex with my husband. He said she was just a friend, not attracted to her, loved me. found her clothes all over my bedroom in our vacation home on new years and threw all of it, suade boots, purse, clothes and luggage in the swimming pool. Gosh it felt really good. he acted like he didn't care, had no feelings for me and just moved on. now that i no longer want to be married to him and am not, he is sorry and feels bad. wants to take care of me and the kids as his MO in life...to make up for how he treated me and destroyed our family. Has paid for everything and says he will continue to do that until the day he dies.
Votes: +0
Hope he doesn't think i will take him back ever...so not happening. my girls think he is disgusting and embarrassing and my son things its no big deal and just thinks he is a great guy. i say its what you teach them that counts and he taught them nothing. will he continue to be nice or does he just want something...i will leave the state when our youngest is out of high school next year.... other women have ex husbands that don't want to give them money and hate them. mine wants to talk to me and give me money. whats up with that report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by too much drama , 02 August, 2010
MY SOON TO BE EX HUSBAND HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A BURDEN TO ME I GAVE HIM EVERYTHING AND DID EVERYTHING AND HE STILL CHEATED WITH THIS LOW LIFE THAT SMOKE AND DRINKS WEED WITH HIM I FINALLY GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER AND GOT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW HE SAYS I PUT HIM OUT AND HES BEING VERY HATEFUL TO ME AND OUR DAUGHTER WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 18 YEARS NOW HE ACTS LIKE WE NEVER EXISTED I TEXT HIM AND ASK FOR MONEY AND HE SAYS HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY BEING NOW THAT HE HAS TO PAY BILLS HE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT WHILE HE WAS OUT THERE LIVING THE SINGLE LIFE HANGING OUT ALL NIGHT SCREWING WHAT I CALL #$##$. I KNOW SHELL NEVER BE ABLE TO EVEN STAND IN MY PLACE IF THATS WHAT HE WNTS A LIFE OF SMOKING WEED AND DRINKING HE CAN HAVE IT IM NOT BEING A PART OF THAT I TOLD HIM DIVORCE ME I HAVE DID ENOUGH FOR HIM NOW ITS HIS TIME TO PAY I NEVER REALLY KNEW HIM HES THE DEVIL ACCUSING OF TRYING TO KILL HIM HES REALLY LOST HIS MIND I NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD GO ON LIKE THIS I HOPE HE FINDS PEACE CAUSE HES NOT ACTING RIGHT DO YOU THINK HES JUST ACTING THAT WAY SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO PAY OR HE HAS SO MUCH HATRED FOR ME FOR PUTTING HIM OUT DONT BLAME ME HE NEEDS TO STOP BEING HIGH FOR A DAY AND THINK OVER HIS LIFE I HAVE LOOKED AFTER HIS SONS LIKE THEY WHERE MIND THEY STILL COME OVER HE HAS ISOLATED HIMSELF FROM EVERYONE BUT AS FOR ME IM COPING WITH IT IN TIME ITLL GET BETTER CAUSE I SERVE GOD AND HE MAKES ME STRONG SO HANG ON TO GOD HELL PULL YOU THROUGH
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by yes, i too married a psycho!!! , 21 August, 2010
well, my ex-psycho husband is harassing me for the million and tenth time tonight...i was at a loss on how to keep him from upsetting me...he also uses my 7 year old son to try and manipulate me, tries to brainwash him when he sees him..blamed me for the divorce (even though he was having an affair with a co worker who he married months after our divorce was final!) anyway, just wanted to say that reading these other stories made me feel better and not alone!! good luck, ladies..tomorrow is another day (:
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
...
written by vl , 27 August, 2010
Wow - I had really begin to believe I was really this horrible person, and each of you have a little of my story. My husband walked out 2 1/2 years ago - they day before my 40th birthday as he had met someone else. We had been married 21 1/2 years at the time. Didn't keep in touch with our to daughters, one in high school & the other in college. Now they don't want him in their lives. In February of this year he called me needing a place to stay as they were having problems. So since February I have had him at my house on & off. We have divorced since then, but I can't let go. He thinks I should feel sorry for this other woman as he says she has problems & is sick. Her problem is they do drugs together & how do you have any compassion for the woman that new he was married & broke up his family. I pray that I can find closure & go on with my life. It just makes me feel good to know - maybe it really wasn't all me.
Votes: +0
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Tags
Subscribe to this comment's feed
| < I just discovered by husband is cheating and I confronted him | I just confessed to cheating and want to rebuild trust > |
| Prev Question | Next Question |
 |
 |
