My wife is having an emotional affair. We got married in April of last year, and have one child together and one that is mine that lives with us.

We just recently moved and I feel that she resents me for that. We had to move for me to pursue my career; I was gone a lot prior to the move because I started my job two months before we had a place to live.

She started talking to him because I wasn't there. She has indicated that she would stop talking to him if she felt like there was a way to fix things between us.

She currently has no feelings for me, and is convinced that we are doomed. I know that we have other issues to work on but I feel like we can't get anywhere as long as he is still in the picture.

How can I get her to see that we can get things to work? Where do I begin to make her fall in love with me again? Should I just give up?

Response:

Sorry to hear about your situation. The benefit of being in a romantic relationship is that it creates intimacy, closeness and understanding. And when couples create a sense of togetherness, it produces a lot of physical, emotional, and tangible rewards.

However, if your wife is having an emotional affair, she is creating that closeness with someone else. Essentially, she is getting the benefits of being in a close relationship outside of your marriage, leaving you with little in return.

When this happens, it is common for a spouse to have “no feelings” for their current partner. Unfortunately, this is not an easy situation to turn around because your wife is currently getting her needs met. Try to see the situation from her perspective: Why does she need you?

The best way to save your marriage is through counseling. If you can work on your issues together as a couple, you can turn things around. But, that won’t happen until the other guy is out of the picture and your wife is willing to give your relationship another chance. Unfortunately, until your wife is ready to give things a second chance, your options are limited (see, recovering from infidelity).

Basically, our best advice is to start counseling on your own (see, emotional support).

Start working on the issues that you know exist and consistently demonstrate to your wife that you are committed to making things work. Hopefully, you can convince her through your actions that you are serious about turning things around.

Eventually, emotional affairs hit a rough spot, and you want to be there to take advantage of that situation, just like he did when you and your wife were going through a rough time.

Finally, emotional affairs are very common, because when couples get together, they rarely discuss the issues that might pull them apart. But, having these conversations early in a relationship can save a lot of grieve and heartache in the long run (see, questions couples should ask…).

Comments (9)

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Dump Her
written by Mo Money Mo Problems , 14 January, 2007

Like the movie Bronx Tale puts it.... " DUMP HER........she's a pig and she can't be trusted." Trust me, this happened for a reason, you probably did something in your past and what comes around goes around. Please, just learn from it and fid someone who loves you for who you are NOT who you aren't!!! Trust me you will be down for a little but just surround yourself with people who truly love you, family & friends and MOVE ON!! Please listen to me. Best wishes.

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Listen to the advice you have been given
written by Nancy12 , 16 January, 2007

Listen to the advice you have been given and please ignore the comment above. I too was in your situation but have refused to give up on 19 years of marriage. I have been patient and understanding, my husband has even moved out, but, we have now turned our relationship around and become closer than we were before. When his relationship with the other woman hit a rough patch, I was there for him and asked no questions. Today, he comes back to our house at weekends and one day during the week. He speaks about decorating our house and going on holiday together. Hopefully, its only a matter of time before he moves back in permanently. How did all this happen you might ask! Because I understood why he did it and how it can happen to anyone, but I refused to give up and still treated him with respect. Thanks to this page I now understand a lot more about relationships and what makes us behave the way we do.

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My Wife No Longer Has Feelings For Me
written by jd , 06 February, 2007

Thanks Nancy12, I'm not ready to just give up anyway I promised to give my wife my best and that is what I intend on doing. I wish I knew exactly how to do it but I'm confident that I will find a way.

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written by boogaboo , 26 September, 2009

im dying inside

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written by heart broken , 02 October, 2009

im in a very similar situation now. She had an emotional affair, is not connected to me at all, and i'm not sure she can again. I go through periods of love and hate. i want to work it out and i want to kick her out. If i give her time to sort out her feelings (shes ended the emotional affair) what should i expect? i'm having a very hard time being patient and fear its the end of our marriage.

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written by Ac , 15 January, 2010

I guess I am in an similar situation. My wife of almost two years is having an emotional affair. We have been fighting a lot before because she wants to limit my life - that I cannot have female friends. Now, after she met this guy, we have been fighting a lot because she said i want to limit hers. She wants to make friends with this guy and said that it is jsut friends. But I found flirtatious SMS's passing on between them and many SMS's a day. And now, she completely doesn't care about where I go or who I meet as long as I leave her alone because she wants her own life back.

Well, I say it is time to take a step back and not care anymore.

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written by neil feb 14 2010 , 14 February, 2010

i too have had too leave a 21 year marriage,i push her away by not being there i chose too drink with so called friends now im living with my parents . sober for 34 days but she tells me she has no feelings for me.i too found out she having emotional affair a guy she could talk too. im hoping time will heel.because we have so much together 3 boys our home for 20 years. my jealousy drove me too the argument that sent me packing i should have seen counseling as option not rage.

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written by Frustrated , 15 February, 2010

I am in the same situation....13 years and 5 children. Been here through thick and thin and will most likely continue being that way. I am tired of being upset and depressed. I guess I just don't understand. I have a great career and have been able to give her more than I ever dreamed, not that that is the answer, because I am also here emotionally and very supportive of her. It just gets to a point where you are so confused and upset that you don't know what to do. I mean 5 small kids and then this crap. I have tried to explain that marriage is a job, not a free ride for 2 people. It takes work, specially when there are 5 children involved and there is no time for one another at times. Just had to get my 2 cents out there...I can only pray she changes and opens her heart and eyes to the situation.

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written by Done1 , 19 March, 2010

Women/wives cheat more often than most people think -it is a common misconception that they don't. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs but these can very quickly turn into physical affairs.

For husbands that are suspicious - don't naively think your wife is incapable of cheating. Has your wife told you this yet: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." It's a common statement made by those having an affair.

Unfortunately, women are more likely to end the marriage to pursue their affair. Something else you should know is that women/wives that "walk away" from marriages are far less likely to come back than men/husbands that walk away.

Do what the response in the article says. Improve yourself and find out what the other man is providing that you are not. If you find yourself in a spot where your wife wants to leave and end the marriage DO NOT beg her to stay and pursue her. This will push her away even more (no female likes a clingy pathetic man). Go out and get a life and work on you. Make yourself more attractive and learn from whatever mistakes you made.

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