After 19 years of marriage, my husband, who is 41, left our home to live on his own.

I found out he was cheating, but he said that him leaving had nothing to do with that. He said he would leave because he needed to be free, that he was a free spirit, and that he’s not suited to marriage.

I was surprised to hear that because he was always very strict and seemed to know exactly what he wanted when we were together, which was total control over the finances and household.

He expected certain standards and if they were not met, he saw that as a sign that I didn't care about him, especially when I wanted control of my own money.

Anyway, its one year after I caught him cheating and he’s been living on his own for the last 3 months.
He comes back home every weekend behaves impeccably, takes me out, and we sleep together. Last Sunday he took me to see his apartment. I was dumbstruck by how he had furnished it.

He showed me around like you would a friend who visits, the pride etched on his face. We always had problems getting him to buy anything for our home and he always saw this as a chore and a compromise.

I know now that he didn't leave for the other woman, but to be free to have as many women as he wants when he wants.

I told him that I could clearly see that he is well established and that it doesn't look like he will be back in the foreseeable future.

I asked him, what he felt about me? Why did he keep coming back on the weekends?

He said he would rather not answer the first question because words are useless and I should watch what he does, as for the second.

He then changed the subject and we ended up having sex which has now become more wild and explorative.

I really don't know what to make of all this. If it’s a midlife crisis, do people ever recover? Am I fighting a lost cause? Should I just admit that our marriage is over and move on?

When I talk about moving on, he replies that this is entirely up to me and so on, and then we end up in bed.

Sorry too many questions, I know.

Response:

Sorry for the short response, but most of the advice we have to offer can be found in some previous posts.

Specifically, romantic relationships work best when they are based on mutual respect and equality (see, love is driving me crazy and my boyfriend is never home).

From your question, it would seem that you husband is living exactly how he wants with little regard for what you want.

If this is the case, that really isn't much of a relationship. Midlife crisis or not, relationships are about involvement, sharing and equality (see, healthy Relationships and is relationship worth saving).

So, it might help to ask if you are getting what you want from this new arrangement?

If not, then it probably doesn’t hurt to express how you are feeling one more time (see, talk about problems).  And if nothing changes… move on.

And if you do decide to move on, it's wise to stop having sex with him. Having sex will only make things more confusing. Sex is meant to bring people together, not help couples come apart (see, romantic attachments).

We wish we had more encouraging advice to offer.

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