I recently discovered that my wife had a 4-week affair. The man she was with is 22 years older than her, has a wife and family, and is a co-worker of hers and still remains so even after. He has apparently had several affairs. I originally caught her texting him excessively, but since she deleted the texts before I saw them, I stupidly believed her when she said they were just flirtatious and she fell for his charm and would stop. We then had what I thought were two weeks of a very positive, intimate relationship, which continued throughout all this. I soon found she created a new email account. Then, while visiting my parents, I discovered new texts to her friends talking and joking about the affair still going on. At this point I did not know the extent of what was happening. I confronted her again, and ended up calling the guy and telling him to leave her alone on voicemail. Now my parents know something is up, too. The Monday after, I find a large email from her to him professing her love, telling him he is Mr. Perfect, etc. and that she can’t break it off and almost hopes he will leave his family for her. Now I really start to investigate and find things out: she met him on her days off several times in parking lots; she sent him nude pictures from a photo shoot she did for our anniversary (before I saw them myself); she had oral sex with him at work; she had oral sex with him and sent a love email to him on our wedding anniversary. With the way I found out (not from her), and the extent of deception, I ended up going to the guys house and confronting him (and hitting him) in front of his family.

We’ve discussed the reasons why she did it, and are truly trying to reconcile and make things work. I’m not sure if this is the right decision or not yet, but we are trying. But, I am afraid the amount of lying, deception, imagery, and triggers to the affair will be too much going forward, especially since they still work together. What part of this do we even begin to address first?? No matter what we talk about (work, family, friends, neighbors, etc.) it triggers the affair, and I'm afraid that will ultimately end in me "giving up" and ending the relationship.

Response:

Unfortunately, affairs are more difficult to recover from when they have been 1) discovered by accident and 2) they continue after being discovered. The level of betrayal you experienced definitely makes it more difficult to rebuild trust.

So, where do you begin? As painful as it is, it helps to get all of the facts out in the open (see, surviving infidelity). Otherwise, you’ll always question whether you know everything or not – you need to know that there are no more surprises. And it sounds like you have already done that.

Next, it helps if your wife breaks all contact with him. Unfortunately, their working together only adds uncertainty at a time when you are trying to rebuild trust. Is there any way that he or she can change positions? If not, it will simply be much more difficult to move beyond what has happened.

Finally, it helps to get to the heart of the matter: People have affairs for a variety of reasons – some of those problems can be resolved and some cannot (see, why people cheat). So, it helps to focus on why she betrayed you? What issues came up? Can you resolve those issues?

If you and your wife can work together and makes things better, over time your anger should become more manageable. But, if the issues cannot be solved or your uncertainty is getting the best of you, ending your relationship might be the best thing to do.
 

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