I recently discovered that my husband of 14 years was having an affair for 7 years with a former client.

I love my husband, we have raised 4 children together and I don't know if I should divorce him.

He's apologized and told me that he loves me and wants to make our marriage work.

I feel hurt, humiliated and angry by his betrayal and deceit.

I have so many questions I want answered:

• Can I trust him again or is a 7 year affair totally unforgiveable?
• How or when will I know if the damage is too much to recover?
• Should I ask for a a divorce?

I feel so desperate for answers.

Please help me.

Response:

Romantic relationships provide us with our most basic sense of security and comfort. This confidence, which comes through being physically and emotionally intimate with a spouse, helps us function in other areas of our life (see, forming attachments).

Discovering a spouse’s infidelity is so painful because it shatters this basic sense of security. Discovering infidelity creates nothing but uncertainty. People begin to question everything they know. Nothing feels familiar, safe or certain. Discovering infidelity creates the feeling of being out of control (see, surviving infidelity).

No one likes to feel so helpless.

So, in such situations, people do a lot of things to try to regain control. Victims of infidelity often ask a lot of questions, they attempt to control their spouse’s behavior, and they try to make rash decisions (e.g., should we get divorced?).

Although it is normal to want quick answers, the more you can take your time in reaching a decision, the better that decision will be. When people rush decisions in an attempt to calm their anxiety, they often make decisions they later regret.

Talking to someone, who will listen to your feelings, is a more effective way of dealing with your feelings right now. In fact, making important decisions when you are anxious often leads to nothing but more uncertainty (i.e., did I make the right decision?).

As difficult as it may be, it is in your best interest to let the process unfold on its own. When you are less anxious, you’ll have a better sense of what’s best for you.

And the following issues are things you might want to consider about forgiveness when dealing with a spouse's long-term affair:

• Nature of the discovery
  Did your husband confess or did you discover his infidelity on your own? Relationships have the best chance of success when cheating spouses decide to tell the truth on their own – it signals a genuine willingness to want to change (see, will the truth come out).

• Severity of the betrayal
  The more severe the betrayal, the more difficult it is for couples to save their relationship (see, consequences of discovering deception).

• Quality of your relationship
  The more satisfied you were with the relationship, before your husband’s infidelity was discovered, the easier it will be to work things out (see, is relationship worth saving).

• Husband’s willingness to repair your trust
  Making promises to change is easy. Working to create meaningful change is much more difficult. Does your husband have the motivation and ability it takes to change his behavior (see, once a cheater, always a cheater).

Related information and resources:

• rebuilding trust
• surviving infidelity
• more resources on infidelity.com

Comments (5)

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written by ang_ei12 , 15 April, 2008

I agree that you should take your time over this before you make a decision. It is not going to be easy because as the experts rightly say, your sense of security has been shattered. Also, its coming to terms with the deceit that is very difficult to do. I have been and to some extent still am, in a similar situation to yours. I accidentally discovered my husband's affair over 2 years ago now. A lot of words have been spoken since then, a lot of tears have been shed on my part, a lot of mistakes have been made, but I decided not to rush into things and take my time before making a decision. I didn't do this conscientiously, more because I was so shocked and afraid of what to do next. Anyway, during this time I have discovered things about myself that I had forgotten, I am seeing my husband in a different light and generally have come to terms with the fact that I had somehow lost sight of who I was and had never really known my husband for who he really is, but for who I wanted him to be. I will never really know the reason why my husband has had this affair and most probably neither will you about your husband. The truth might be quite simple or perhaps very complicated. I think in my husband's case, he did it because she works with him, paid him lots of attention and he kind of created another life outside our home, to help him cope with the fact that he lives an ordinary life with me and yes, thats all there is to life, for some people anyway. I think a lot of men do it for the variety and in their opinion, to relieve the "boredom" of living an ordinary life. Women perhaps accept their life for what it is and don't look to make it more exciting by having affairs, or perhaps they are more aware of the consequences. There are always exceptions of course. I am sure that your husband does love you, like I am sure my husband loves me, but I don't know whether it is enough to stop them straying again. The bottom line rests with you. Given time, one day you will know what kind of life you want to live, whether its a life wondering what your husband is doing when he is not with you, or whether you learn to trust and rely on yourself for your well being and security, but still have your husband in your life but in a way, on your own different terms, as you are now aware of what he is capable of, so, if you want to, you can create a completely different marriage. It has taken me 2 years to start getting over the shock, but, now that I don't expect anything from him and in a way I am more in charge of my life, things seem a lot better. Hope this helps. Good luck.

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written by sanda pru , 29 May, 2008

I had the same story like you. I'm married for 18 years with 3 children and just discovered my husband is having an affair for more than 10 years with a same lady. He works and stays mostly another country.

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written by sonrisa , 30 January, 2009

I'm really sorry to hear your story. I just found out that the person I said I do to has been having a affair for four years. (I wasn't surprised, thought so but could not prove it) None the less it hurts. I married and older man is retired and has spent all and I do mean all of his money on her. (he said the she was black mailing him)that she would tell me, and she did when he had no more money to give her. Do I feel sorry for him HELL NO he got what he ask for when you pick up trash that is what you get. He has no money and a good thing we did not share accounts. It will make me feel so good to leave him when he is at a low. If you think you guys can make it work I say go for it, will you ever trust him NO! there is no way possible. Even if you do not say anything out loud you will say it in your heart and mind. If you stay with him you will have to lay down rules and show him that you mean it if he steps a half inch out of place. I'm not a very tolerant person and I know if I stay it would only be to make him unhappy. (it is not worth it for me. I'm still young thin and sexy with no children. I will not look back. I did not deserve what he did to me.

What ever choice you make I pray for your happiness.

GOOD LUCK

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written by Sacramento , 23 November, 2009

Same story different outcome. I discovered my husband cheating and guess what, there is a child involved. This really hurt because we have 2 children together and he has 1 outside child that was conceived during our relationship. I forgave him and 10 years later here we go again. I'm so confused and hurt and just don't know what to do. Help!

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written by vern , 29 January, 2010

It's sad to hear your story, but only you can make that decision if you plan to stay. it's very hard to forgive, and do it twice. My Husband told me this year also that he had an affair with a lady for 8years on & off that he met in a bar. I was so mad i felt like I was having a panic attack. I want him gone right away , but i want to know when,how,and why. I cheated on him years ago , do you think thats the reason why he cheated on me? I always bitch at him all the time I dont let him have any friends. What should I do

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