Hi, my girlfriend and I have been dating almost three years and my trust for her is at its low point. When we first started dating, she was lying about everything, not always big issues, but everything.

So we had a talk, and she promised me that she would stop lying to me. Things were good for about a year, but then I caught her in another lie. We had another big talk, and she promised again that she would stop.

Now it's about another year later (last week) and I caught her in another big lie. We sat down and had the biggest talk this time. I asked if she has been lying to me the whole time, and she claims that this was the only time, and once again, she promised that she would never lie to me again.

Right now, I need some help with the following questions:

Should I believe that those are the only lies she’s told me?

If she has lied about these things, how do I know she’s not cheating on me, and just not telling me?

What are steps that she and I can take to rebuild trust again?

Response:

Most people lie from time to time for a variety of reasons – to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, to avoid conflict, to cover one’s mistakes, and so on (see, advantages of lying).

For most people, however, their natural response is to tell the truth, especially in a close relationship. If your girlfriend’s typical response is to lie, you may want to consider the possibility that she has a problem with compulsive lying (see, compulsive lying).

As for your questions, you’ve probably only discovered a small fraction of the lies you’ve been told. As a general rule, most lies never get detected. For a variety of reasons, liars have the advantage when it comes to concealing the truth in a close relationship (see, love is blind).

But, just because your girlfriend has been lying to you, does not necessarily mean that she has been unfaithful to you. While infidelity causes people to lie, lying doesn’t necessarily indicate that a person has been cheating. With that said, chronic lying in a relationship DOES indicate a willingness by your girlfriend to put her needs ahead of yours. Overall, it is probably in your best interest to gather more information before you make any decisions about your girlfriend’s fidelity (see, catch a cheating partner).

Finally, trust is very difficult to rebuild, especially when an issue keeps reemerging. Making matters more complicated, trust is almost impossible to rebuild until you are confident that you’ve been told the truth (see, surviving infidelity).

Confronting the problem and talking to your girlfriend are probably not going to solve the problem (see, confronting a partner). Most likely, she will make promises to change her behavior. Such promises, as you have discovered, rarely result in a change in behavior. Changing one’s behavior requires understanding the reasons underlying one’s actions and taking steps to address those underlying motivations. This, of course, is always easier said than done.

And if you haven't done so already, it might help to read the section on rebuilding trust.

We wish you the best of luck.

Comments (18)

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written by Nick , 28 September, 2007

Thank You

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written by Richie , 17 January, 2008

Excellent article. It really helped my relationship.

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written by southafrican dude , 01 October, 2008

Run like hell dude, this chick will never stop. Trust me it's just not worth the emotional roller coaster she'll put you on.

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written by Random , 28 October, 2008

Get the hell away from her. This just happened to me. If she lies she'll cheat. That's what mine did.

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written by Mike G. , 12 December, 2008

Get away man, I have been in a two year relationship my self. Same thing happened, I caught her once or twice in a one year period and that is when I started checking everything she does. However, she was really smart and erased all the evidence (call log, txt msgs) but she also underestimated me as she knew I am a computer nerd. So when I had a chance and she wasn't around, I took her phone and hacked it (thanks for windows based cell phones/PDA's) and bam there it was. Txtin and calling a certain person 600 txt/month 100 calls/month. Talking with him at 12:30 at night and then at 4:15am in the morning many times ?
My piece of advice: GET AWAY, CHANGE UR NUMBER AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE so you wont have to remember her.

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written by Mr. P , 04 August, 2009

i asked my girlfriend to come in my apartment for a sleep over. She told me i am tired... then i found out that that night she was with her neighbor drinking... the pity is that i called her that night and she told me that was in bed.... i saw a message saying to her friend that if i asked her not saying that was with her that nigh...

wot can i do....? Keep in mind we are working together and i moved from another country for her....

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written by diamond4087 , 13 December, 2009

mine lied an did the same. she then cheated time an time again an lied to my face. im telling u. please for ur own hearts good. run an never look back.

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written by victim of lying , 25 December, 2009

i hate liars so much. My gf has been lying to me in the same way yours has, and now i finally got her to open up and she told me so many things she lied to me about, some terrible, i bawled my eyes out in front of her, which is not something i do. So sorry dude, but tell your gf to go f herself and leave her. It will take a while but you'll get over it and find someone better. Promise
F ALL LIARS

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written by Robertolee , 28 February, 2010

Hello, My Girlfriend recently has been telling me a lot of lies, NOT BIG ones BUT little ones for example she was going to go and see a boy mate and lied to make me feel okay about it saying she had been round his once before but she hadn't. She also while she was with me flirted behind my back and I found out by her phone texts. Then she promised things would be and get better then she goes off and does it again with someone else. She now still talks to one of those boys and I asked her if she was alone with that boy that night they was texting stuff would anything else of happened. She said yeah maybe cause we still had feeling for each other.

That REALLY hurt ME BIG TIME!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I KNOW SHE LOVES ME TOO BUT WHAT CAN I DO??? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!! Thanks

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written by roman , 10 March, 2010

Dude, think about this for a second. She lied to you 3 times, there is no way she will ever stop. Get out of this relationship ASAP and move on, and don't look back. They lie to make them feel better, but at the end they gunna end up by themselves.

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written by MF , 24 March, 2010

Yes. It is a terrible situation when they lie. You must put your "love is blind" mentality behind you. I am fighting through this all right now.

Was engaged. Got dis-engaged, she then made friends with another man. Telling me it was only friends. They kissed once, then she finally told the guy to lose her number...i thought that would be the end. There are still texts....WTF Am i getting played too? possibly and this is where i need to lose the love is blind and man up. Just like you.

While this girl may rock your world, there are other girls. Remember that as hard as it may be. Please.

Lies!!!!

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written by don't worry about it , 04 May, 2010

Dating my girlfriend for 2 days..and the lies have already started..twice. Happened once and I forgave her(stupid me) and same lie happened tonight..I'm done

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written by Jonesy , 14 June, 2010

I been living with my beautiful girlfriend for 2 years and been together for 3 years. she looks me right into my eyes and lies to my face. I ask her about it and she denies all of it. I love her sooo much. i just don't know if i can keep doing it. same shit just a different week.

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written by anon amun , 23 June, 2010

Dude a compulsive liar is fucked any way you look at it. You might have a big heart and think she will change, she won't. You want to know why she's doing fucked up shit to you, you won't. You have to let it go, deal with the pain. Focus on your own shit and be a successful person, which will draw in successful women. Look at it like this people. I was doing pretty well, started dating this girl and everything was looking up. I got seizures, which messed me up mentally. The girl I dated ended up cheating and lying A LOT. I got better 8 months later. Found out she cheated for 5 months straight with some piece of shit dude. I though I would forgive her and she did the same thing. Same process, same patters, you get the point. People like this are sociopaths and will not change and you can at least get satisfaction knowing their bitch ass will be alone in the future. The most important thing is this; if you feel that your partner is being unfaithful/lying then they probably are.

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written by Random , 06 August, 2010

I'm in a similar situation, I have been dating my GF for almost 2 years and i love her so much and im always wanting to be with her which is my down fall. For the first 8-9 months i did lie about stupid things nothing major but little petty things. We ended up taking a break for a few days which in that time i realized real quick what i was doing was wrong and hurtful to her. I know she has lied to me about many little things that i cant say for a fact are true, but people do lie from time to time for a variety of reasons, which isn't an excuse. Anyways my GF went out last night with her friend and said that they were only going to hang out and talk. Well i asked her today on her lunch break so where did you go last night and who all was there, She replies we went to applebees and had one drink and it was just me and my one Girl who is a friend. Well i know her a little better then that, First of all she doesn't go to a bar or wherever and just has one drink she will have more like 3 or 4. Well me and my gf know the bartender there very well good friend. After i talked to my gf i had that feeling that she wasn't telling me the whole truth. Well i have that bartenders number so i texted him today and ask him was my gf being a good girl? He says, Ya she was good nothing to worry about man. So then i asked him who was she their with and he replies two girls, one of which i despite very much for many reason which my gf knows i don't like her and don't want her hanging out with. So she lied tome about a friend who i don't like was there. I also found out she had more then 1 drink which whatever not a big deal, but still a lie. Before she even went out her friend that i do like asked her what we were doing and so my gf told me that her friend asked her that and i was like ok cool lets go out have a few drinks then an hour goes by and she all the sudden tells me shes going by her self and we get into an argument and she said fine you can come and i told her no i dont want to go now thats messed up. Then she keeps telling me you can go, you can go. I then told her no im not going your being rude. Then she said i don't know if im going to even go then a half hour goes by and she said ok well i need to put my son to sleep so just go home and i will call you and then i asked are you going out and she said yes, i said ok so im not invited anymore and she said no its just going to be me and my one friend(the one i like) come to realize she didn't want me going because she invited her friend who i do NOT like. She even told me her self i understand you don't like her so i wont hang out with her anymore. So now that i know the truth its bothering me and if i bring it up to her she will just get mad and throw everything back in my face that happen in the past in our relationship. I feel so sick right now it sucks, but i love her so much. Please help.

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written by Robert4792 , 25 August, 2010

Lies and cheating are gods way of saying, it wasnt meant to be, and there is someone out there better and more Amazing waiting for you!

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written by mj Evans , 27 August, 2010

dump that bitch directly on her ass.

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written by Robby Hopes , 02 September, 2010

If she lied about something that doesn't matter than don't stress over it. No point in arguing over bullshit. But, if the lie affects you then bring it up.

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