Hi, my girlfriend and I have been dating almost three years and my trust for her is at its low point. When we first started dating, she was lying about everything, not always big issues, but everything.

So we had a talk, and she promised me that she would stop lying to me. Things were good for about a year, but then I caught her in another lie. We had another big talk, and she promised again that she would stop.

Now it's about another year later (last week) and I caught her in another big lie. We sat down and had the biggest talk this time. I asked if she has been lying to me the whole time, and she claims that this was the only time, and once again, she promised that she would never lie to me again.

Right now, I need some help with the following questions:

Should I believe that those are the only lies she’s told me?

If she has lied about these things, how do I know she’s not cheating on me, and just not telling me?

What are steps that she and I can take to rebuild trust again?

Response:

Most people lie from time to time for a variety of reasons – to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, to avoid conflict, to cover one’s mistakes, and so on (see, advantages of lying).

For most people, however, their natural response is to tell the truth, especially in a close relationship. If your girlfriend’s typical response is to lie, you may want to consider the possibility that she has a problem with compulsive lying (see, compulsive lying).

As for your questions, you’ve probably only discovered a small fraction of the lies you’ve been told. As a general rule, most lies never get detected. For a variety of reasons, liars have the advantage when it comes to concealing the truth in a close relationship (see, love is blind).

But, just because your girlfriend has been lying to you, does not necessarily mean that she has been unfaithful to you. While infidelity causes people to lie, lying doesn’t necessarily indicate that a person has been cheating. With that said, chronic lying in a relationship DOES indicate a willingness by your girlfriend to put her needs ahead of yours. Overall, it is probably in your best interest to gather more information before you make any decisions about your girlfriend’s fidelity (see, catch a cheating partner).

Finally, trust is very difficult to rebuild, especially when an issue keeps reemerging. Making matters more complicated, trust is almost impossible to rebuild until you are confident that you’ve been told the truth (see, surviving infidelity).

Confronting the problem and talking to your girlfriend are probably not going to solve the problem (see, confronting a partner). Most likely, she will make promises to change her behavior. Such promises, as you have discovered, rarely result in a change in behavior. Changing one’s behavior requires understanding the reasons underlying one’s actions and taking steps to address those underlying motivations. This, of course, is always easier said than done.

And if you haven't done so already, it might help to read the section on rebuilding trust.

We wish you the best of luck.

Comments (45)

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written by OptimusNeko , 29 September, 2007

Thank You

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written by Richie , 17 January, 2008

Excellent article. It really helped my relationship.

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written by southafrican dude , 01 October, 2008

Run like hell dude, this chick will never stop. Trust me it's just not worth the emotional roller coaster she'll put you on.

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written by Random , 28 October, 2008

Get the hell away from her. This just happened to me. If she lies she'll cheat. That's what mine did.

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written by Mike G. , 12 December, 2008

Get away man, I have been in a two year relationship my self. Same thing happened, I caught her once or twice in a one year period and that is when I started checking everything she does. However, she was really smart and erased all the evidence (call log, txt msgs) but she also underestimated me as she knew I am a computer nerd. So when I had a chance and she wasn't around, I took her phone and hacked it (thanks for windows based cell phones/PDA's) and bam there it was. Txtin and calling a certain person 600 txt/month 100 calls/month. Talking with him at 12:30 at night and then at 4:15am in the morning many times ?
My piece of advice: GET AWAY, CHANGE UR NUMBER AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE so you wont have to remember her.

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written by Mr. P , 04 August, 2009

i asked my girlfriend to come in my apartment for a sleep over. She told me i am tired... then i found out that that night she was with her neighbor drinking... the pity is that i called her that night and she told me that was in bed.... i saw a message saying to her friend that if i asked her not saying that was with her that nigh...

wot can i do....? Keep in mind we are working together and i moved from another country for her....

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written by diamond4087 , 13 December, 2009

mine lied an did the same. she then cheated time an time again an lied to my face. im telling u. please for ur own hearts good. run an never look back.

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written by victim of lying , 25 December, 2009

i hate liars so much. My gf has been lying to me in the same way yours has, and now i finally got her to open up and she told me so many things she lied to me about, some terrible, i bawled my eyes out in front of her, which is not something i do. So sorry dude, but tell your gf to go f herself and leave her. It will take a while but you'll get over it and find someone better. Promise
F ALL LIARS

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written by Robertolee , 28 February, 2010

Hello, My Girlfriend recently has been telling me a lot of lies, NOT BIG ones BUT little ones for example she was going to go and see a boy mate and lied to make me feel okay about it saying she had been round his once before but she hadn't. She also while she was with me flirted behind my back and I found out by her phone texts. Then she promised things would be and get better then she goes off and does it again with someone else. She now still talks to one of those boys and I asked her if she was alone with that boy that night they was texting stuff would anything else of happened. She said yeah maybe cause we still had feeling for each other.

That REALLY hurt ME BIG TIME!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I KNOW SHE LOVES ME TOO BUT WHAT CAN I DO??? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!! Thanks

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written by roman , 10 March, 2010

Dude, think about this for a second. She lied to you 3 times, there is no way she will ever stop. Get out of this relationship ASAP and move on, and don't look back. They lie to make them feel better, but at the end they gunna end up by themselves.

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written by MF , 25 March, 2010

Yes. It is a terrible situation when they lie. You must put your "love is blind" mentality behind you. I am fighting through this all right now.

Was engaged. Got dis-engaged, she then made friends with another man. Telling me it was only friends. They kissed once, then she finally told the guy to lose her number...i thought that would be the end. There are still texts....WTF Am i getting played too? possibly and this is where i need to lose the love is blind and man up. Just like you.

While this girl may rock your world, there are other girls. Remember that as hard as it may be. Please.

Lies!!!!

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written by don't worry about it , 05 May, 2010

Dating my girlfriend for 2 days..and the lies have already started..twice. Happened once and I forgave her(stupid me) and same lie happened tonight..I'm done

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written by Jonesy , 14 June, 2010

I been living with my beautiful girlfriend for 2 years and been together for 3 years. she looks me right into my eyes and lies to my face. I ask her about it and she denies all of it. I love her sooo much. i just don't know if i can keep doing it. same shit just a different week.

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written by anon amun , 23 June, 2010

Dude a compulsive liar is fucked any way you look at it. You might have a big heart and think she will change, she won't. You want to know why she's doing fucked up shit to you, you won't. You have to let it go, deal with the pain. Focus on your own shit and be a successful person, which will draw in successful women. Look at it like this people. I was doing pretty well, started dating this girl and everything was looking up. I got seizures, which messed me up mentally. The girl I dated ended up cheating and lying A LOT. I got better 8 months later. Found out she cheated for 5 months straight with some piece of shit dude. I though I would forgive her and she did the same thing. Same process, same patters, you get the point. People like this are sociopaths and will not change and you can at least get satisfaction knowing their bitch ass will be alone in the future. The most important thing is this; if you feel that your partner is being unfaithful/lying then they probably are.

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written by Random , 06 August, 2010

I'm in a similar situation, I have been dating my GF for almost 2 years and i love her so much and im always wanting to be with her which is my down fall. For the first 8-9 months i did lie about stupid things nothing major but little petty things. We ended up taking a break for a few days which in that time i realized real quick what i was doing was wrong and hurtful to her. I know she has lied to me about many little things that i cant say for a fact are true, but people do lie from time to time for a variety of reasons, which isn't an excuse. Anyways my GF went out last night with her friend and said that they were only going to hang out and talk. Well i asked her today on her lunch break so where did you go last night and who all was there, She replies we went to applebees and had one drink and it was just me and my one Girl who is a friend. Well i know her a little better then that, First of all she doesn't go to a bar or wherever and just has one drink she will have more like 3 or 4. Well me and my gf know the bartender there very well good friend. After i talked to my gf i had that feeling that she wasn't telling me the whole truth. Well i have that bartenders number so i texted him today and ask him was my gf being a good girl? He says, Ya she was good nothing to worry about man. So then i asked him who was she their with and he replies two girls, one of which i despite very much for many reason which my gf knows i don't like her and don't want her hanging out with. So she lied tome about a friend who i don't like was there. I also found out she had more then 1 drink which whatever not a big deal, but still a lie. Before she even went out her friend that i do like asked her what we were doing and so my gf told me that her friend asked her that and i was like ok cool lets go out have a few drinks then an hour goes by and she all the sudden tells me shes going by her self and we get into an argument and she said fine you can come and i told her no i dont want to go now thats messed up. Then she keeps telling me you can go, you can go. I then told her no im not going your being rude. Then she said i don't know if im going to even go then a half hour goes by and she said ok well i need to put my son to sleep so just go home and i will call you and then i asked are you going out and she said yes, i said ok so im not invited anymore and she said no its just going to be me and my one friend(the one i like) come to realize she didn't want me going because she invited her friend who i do NOT like. She even told me her self i understand you don't like her so i wont hang out with her anymore. So now that i know the truth its bothering me and if i bring it up to her she will just get mad and throw everything back in my face that happen in the past in our relationship. I feel so sick right now it sucks, but i love her so much. Please help.

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written by Robert4792 , 25 August, 2010

Lies and cheating are gods way of saying, it wasnt meant to be, and there is someone out there better and more Amazing waiting for you!

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written by mj Evans , 27 August, 2010

dump that bitch directly on her ass.

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written by Robby Hopes , 02 September, 2010

If she lied about something that doesn't matter than don't stress over it. No point in arguing over bullshit. But, if the lie affects you then bring it up.

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written by Justin&Tiff , 22 September, 2010

My girlfriend continues to lie to me every single day, I ask her if she wants to hangout, and she says she has to ask first.

So I say, okay go ahead and ask, and she "does" then later comes back and calls and says I asked and they said we can, so I get all excited and then I'm like okay, lets hangout and she is like... I Didn't ask.

I love her more than anything in the world, I think sometimes she cheats, but I don't know, when she gets home from school, she tells me straight away the guys that talked to her, and what they said to her..

So I don't know what I should do, I can't leave her, I love her SOOOO MUCH...

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written by N/A , 04 October, 2010

Well she obviously doesn't love you that much if she is doing that to you. Love is very confusing and it messes you up. You need to look past of how you feel and see the whole picture. Is it really worth the pain and frustration? Is it worth the heart ache? Is it worth it that you are putting more into the relationship then your partner is? Are you getting back what you feel you deserve in the relationship? Relationships are a give and take situation and compromises. When people love each other they will cut out the bad for the other person and the other person will do the same. Well at least that's how I think it should be sometimes.

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written by KmacDaddy , 07 October, 2010

I think it would first off be very appropriate for you to share the "big lies" that have occurred. Once we can see what exactly she's lying about I think we could further help you. Like...does big lie mean she cheated on you and then told you she didn't but you found out anyway? or does it mean she did something stupid that still drives us crazy... you know what i mean? we need a little more info to more accurately assist you in my opinion.

I too am having the same problem though, and am not sure what to do. I leave it up to my own sources to find stuff out...so when she thinks shes pulling off a lie, i already know it and she runs with it. Lucky for me i know the truth..but she doesnt know that. If its something major at least i have the knowledge to be like "...i know this"...

But, if she is continuously lying about important things, or what you find to be important, i would not settle for it. Lying should not occur in any relationship in the first place... you love each other...why have secrets?.. not right. I can completely understand the fact that you want to work things out...what ive been doing. luckily its gotten better after the 3rd or 4th time of getting called out. But i can tell you, if she keeps pulling this shit, ...all those dreams and talks about "what our wedding will be like"...or "what kinda house well get"... will be shot straight to shit.
If you look at it like that...you'll see it more clearly. The future. Look at what you want. If its a wife and family and house taht looks like this.. then alsooo try to picture your wife being there and you coming home from work every day to a lie. You may eventually end up either 1. becoming an alcoholic ...or 2. killing her.

lol, so yea...if they dont stop, do yourself the favor. If calling her out and shit isnt enough...and it consistently happens...not a keeper. YOURE CATCHING HER IN THE LIES THAT YOUUUUUU FIND!!!...THINK OF WHAT ELSE THERE COULD BE THAT YOU ARE NOTTTTTT FINDING THAT SHES STILL HIDING. That, my friend, is a large concern.

Hope this at all helps with your decision.

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written by ChristianBok , 08 October, 2010

I've been dating this girl for two years. And in the beginning she lied to me three different times told one guy she was single when she wasn't. And talked and liked another guy behind my back. And then liked and talked to another guy behind my back. I had to find all this out on my own. And I've been having these strong gut feelings that maybe she's lying to me again but she swears on everything that she would never lie to me again. But I'm so worried that she will. And that maybe I won't be able to find someone as pretty as her. And I love her so much. What should I do???

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written by lost and lonely , 13 October, 2010

I'm a girl in a relationship with a man who lies...promises they won't lie...and lies again and just to be exciting decides to cheat. I am a happy beautiful mother of three girls why do I stay?

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written by fuck love , 17 October, 2010

man its sucks when you love someone and they lie to you but thats how girlfriend and boyfriend its just a puppy love and its a skills that you learning about girls...
when you get married thats reall love

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written by get big , 25 October, 2010

thanks

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written by Peter Maskin , 10 December, 2010

When a girl lies to you about little stuff and big stuff, or has too many inconsistencies in the things she tells you, she PROBABLY is not for you.

When you catch her in a lie and confront her about it, but she refuses to fess up and insists she is telling the truth, she DEFINITELY isn't for you.

When you sit down with her and talk about her lying habit, and she promises not to lie again, but still looks you in the face afterward and lies, she SURE AS HELL isn't for you. You deserve someone better. Just dump her b**th arse and find the one for you.

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written by jacobian , 10 December, 2010

If she lies, she will cheat. If she will cheat, you know to do now.

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written by williamsNor , 24 December, 2010

I've been with my girlfriend now for almost one and a half year, and I found out she had been lying to me from the beginning about a previous pregnancy she terminated with another guy when she found out I was interested in her. I asked her once, about how many times she had been pregnant, she lied to my face, I never knew this until a few days ago when she told me this after I demanded to know what her family had on her to make them all be so repulsive and irrational around me or her. Also, her family hates me (for reasons they themselves are not free from, and even worse; I smoke grass (that's it), they're alcoholics, pill abusers, liars and the sister took the family dog to her bed (!) in her earlier years). I have been truthful about my past as a teenager and the things I did as an adult. I wanted her to know everything about me on that issue especially. Her sister is strongly motivated to rip me another a-hole at every chance, and I do not, for the love of god know why this has been set in action. I do good things (in a fairly manner), I leave straight from work to home every night. I keep my hobbies intact and at great length involve her in my life, along with her two kids as much as I can. She also allowed her girlfriend bring the guy who is responsible for my last relationship shattering, into her home and put him on the sofa, not even considering how I would feel about that issue. When I asked why she would do such a thing, she replied "don't know". However, it is this first statement, the pregnancy thing when I was in the picture, that bothers me. She decided to never tell me in the beginning when she found out, and kept me in the dark with her family constantly pushing me. Am I wrong to feel I had a right to know this, before one and half year into this? I am really torn out about this, and I've been having her back against everything they've been throwing at us. I can't help but feel disappointed, and cheated on, deceived. And some part of me feels it was all for nothing. One hard lie, and a decision that didn't feel right. And a family that deserves no more than how they act themselves. Not even on Christmas day will they apologize to me. I am confused... sigh.

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written by DumpALiar , 05 January, 2011

I wonder what happened with the guy who posted his dilemma. For others looking for sample experiences:

I lived with a guy for a little over a year and he lied about EVERYTHING, big and small. It was a nightmare and it turned me into a skeptical person, someone I didn't like. He lied knowing I knew he was lying but he still could look into my face and keep lying! My advice for people in this situation is BREAK UP, it doesn't get better.

After I broke up with my guy he went on to lie to mutual friends about me and now there are people who won't even talk to me. He cheated on me with his friend's gf then turned the guy against me when I confronted him about the cheating. But he still told me he loved me and after the break up said he wanted to be friends. I wish he'd drop dead, I really really do.

A person who lies to you DOESN'T respect you and there's no way you can have a relationship without respect. You gotta treat yourself at least as well as you expect others to treat you and putting up with a liar is no way to treat yourself.

On the other hand (rather selfishly), after reading the comments it's a bit of a relief to know that it's not just men who are horrible liars - and to be reminded that nice guys are still out there

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written by Gabs , 27 February, 2011

wtf? i thought i was the only stupid guy in the world.. i got the same problem. my girlfriend lied to me all the time about her ex and other guy she is texting with..i thought that she would change but hell, i was so stupid. weve been like over a year now and nothing's really change. everything she says are nothing but bullcrap. and to make matters worse i love her soooo freaking much..i dont know how to let go of her..but fuck. i dont care if she's sick of what, im done with her..

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written by MarkF , 28 February, 2011

Liars lie. It doesn't get better and they will NEVER change unless they go to intense counseling. I agree with the poster who said that finding out a few lies only scratches the surface of the immense tangled lies that we don't find out. Those that can deceive the ones they love will betray you without a second thought. RUN, DON'T walk. It took me a long time to learn that there are healthy, honest women out there who won't treat you like shit.

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written by TheBeast , 02 March, 2011

My girlfriend on and off for 3 years....the past 6 months we made it official..I had asked her multiple times if she had any STDS,since im always as careful as possible...she promised me she didnt..Jann 4 2011, she calls me crying to tell me she has herpes, has had it for 20 years...she only told me because she had an outbreak,the first in 5 years...3 doc visits and 2 bloodwork later, im fine....despite the fact she proved she had it for many years, she never told me until she HAD to.....she broke up with ME after she found out I was negative....cant trust people on so many levels

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written by TheBeast , 02 March, 2011

1 more thing....if you catch your girl in bullshit lies, and then a decent one, a liar will accuse you of being controlling and possessive, if she calls you an abuser or stalker cause you raise you voice...she is twisting it and you better RUN....a lot of woman dont get 'bold' like that unless they have someone in the shadows telling them what to do...imagine? someone is controlling them, and they call YOU a controller...

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written by kyler , 08 March, 2011

what if shes lying about wanting to be with me and she lies alllllll the time what do i do to tell her HEY TELL ME THE TRUTH. grrrr plz help

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written by dt , 12 March, 2011

My ex girlfriend whom i recently started speaking to again, has had major problems with lying which i came aware of after dating for 6 months. At that point seeing the severity of it i had a big sit down talk to put everything on the table and explain to her telling the truth no matter how bad she thinks it may be is always better to me then to lie or hide it. Well after going through a rough period and dating for 1 yrs 1 month the girl who "loved me more than anything" ended up sleeping with a supposed close friend of mine during an 11 day break. Only to come back to me (since my friend just wanted to use her not date her) and lie lie lie to me at the time i was unaware of which. After alot of bull and pain 5 1/2 months after i dumped her for that im talking to her again...At this point i know for a fact she must be a compulsive liar to a pretty extreme degree for example she told me truth eventually in line of undeniable evidence then week after we break and she admitted it she decides to change her story and act like she lied when admitting to it. Obviously i know she lying but i cant impress upon her she has no reason to, and that i know what happened and lying trying to change my mind is only making matters worse. Worse yet is first time i see her since breakup and decide to speak, she still cannot let go of the lie and lying in general to my face atw she has another "rebound bf" while trying to talk to me again n get me back and trying to convince me shes "changed" and not the same... As i cared for her much through relationship i thought i could break through to her lying and help her get help, see all the damage lying does to her life as a whole, but at this point im of the opinion there is no help for a compulsive liar of her degree. Im only reassured that there is no help for her due to the fact she will believe her own lies, stigmatize/refuse any therapy for lying, gets angered if the idea of gettin help is even brought up, and just her overall commitment to lying and staying in same habits.

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written by 789 , 13 March, 2011

i thought i was alone. ive caught mine in so many lies. so many. and so many of them are just like whats on this page. from saying shes sleeping, but really spending time with her babies daddy, to saying she would die with out me, but then not knowing if she wants me. emotional roller coaster indeed. they know how to make a good guy that would be a great family man hate his own life. thanks girls! doing a great job ruining life!

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written by happened to me , 16 March, 2011

She will NEVER stop, just move on.

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written by dumb guy , 16 April, 2011

Yup me too. Why do we keep thinking there gonna change? My girl lies to me about everything! Last week she told me the cat scratched her leg. When I saw it I was like that's no cat scratch. Then after two days of lying she said she did it with a razor! Umm no kidding it was such a wide long cut didn't look anything like a" cat scratch" but she ran with it. When I confronted her she can't tell me why she would lie about something so stupid. Just makes me think she can lie about anything.

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written by cucuy , 22 April, 2011

MY GIRLFRIEND LIED TO ME MANY TIME IN LITTLE TINGS I ASK MY BEST FRIEND TO HELP ME OUT WITH THIS SITUATION ..MY BEST FRIEND 42 YEARS OLD MARRIED.. I'M 26 SHE'S 23...
I ASKED HIM AND HER WAS BEHIND ALL THIS END UP ... SHE'S GOING OUT WITH HIM
AND HE WAS FEEDING HER WITH ALL THE INFO SO SHE WILL GET RID OF ME

SHE TOLL ME SHE WAS CONFUSED AND BRINGING BAD STUFF FROM PASS TIME
THEN I ASKED MY BEST FRIEND AND HE DENIED ..
I FEEL LIKE TELLING HIS WIFE .. WOULD IT BE A GOOD IDEA ???

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written by MugGins , 09 June, 2011

I've been with a single mother for nearly a year and a half now,
I knew from the start she lied. Over and over again she promised to change.
I did everything for her, she has no job not many friends and I treated her like a queen.
I would pick up she was lying very easy and when I confronted her she would continue
To lie till she was blue in the face. She could have it all with a nice bloke like me
But she would rather throw it away for her self and her son because she can't tell the truth!

I don't understand some people they choose to hurt the ones who love them the most!

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written by petey , 29 June, 2011

straight up i just broke up with my girlfriend because of the exact same reason like straight up your story is identical to what i went through and honestly its heartache its not worth it i lost all trust in my girlfriend, and then ... a couple weeks ago i broke up with her cause she lied again .. and the lie was about where she was ...
so i dumped her .. and ive never felt happier in my life .. and honestly when uve lost that much trust in a person ... its a lot easier after u broke up with them, i thought itd be hard because i thought i loved her ... but through all the lies ... i began to hate her .. and now ... im happy without her dont let that shit happen or bring you down because you cant change the person .. they can only change themselves if they think its worth it .. haha theirs plenty of fishes in the seas and monkeys in the trees bro ! lol dont worry about it

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written by Ghost of Roissy , 18 July, 2011

Where there's incentives, there are lies.

Gentlemen, all women lie. All of them. Just find the one who's lies impact you the least, and deal with it. Never marry. EVER.

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written by atul , 27 August, 2011

You know guys... we have to behave like them.

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written by nicenthic , 15 October, 2011

I would love to blank the hell out of a girl who lets other guys, gay or not, lick shots off her chest. But date her? Not in a million years.

Guys, we have been born with the innate ability to keep sex separate from our emotions. Most girls do not have this ability. Once you have sex with a girl, she starts heavily investing herself in you. But it's up to you to keep your emotions well guarded when dealing with sluts. For most semi-intelligent blokes who've had at least some action in his life, this is quite easy to do. But it's not so easy for a young guy with his first few lays. This is when he might put his heart and soul into a bad apple (read: slut). He will get burned and then learn from it.

The real morons are the guys who don't learn and invest themselves again in a another slut and possibly marry her. Then they lose a lot more than their hurt feelings - they could be stuck with alimony, child support and even a lost house. Now that's a lesson they wont forget!

Learn some game theory and see how your mindset changes completely. You will be in power and every girl will just be another social experiment and possibly another conquest when you get good at it. You will understand women better than you can possibly imagine and use this new-found power to your benefit socially and in your personal life.

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written by Wayne P , 18 October, 2011

"Once a liar, always a liar!" This statement always proves to be true. There is nothing that you can do to get her to stop lying.

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