I have been married for 15 years. My husband and I have always had a great relationship. He is a very gentle, trustworthy, helping man. That's what I have always loved most about him. He is 53 and I am 43.

We had some family friends (mom, dad, & 2 teenagers) for about 5 or so years that we spent quite a bit of time with. With that said my family was dealing with some pretty big issues with one of our daughters that caused a great amount of stress in our family. I also was dealing with significant health issues of my own.

I know that I was probably pretty hard to live with at the time (this past spring) for both my husband and my kids. I'm sure that I neglected to see that my husband needed somebody to talk to about it and I was too busy with my own problems to see it.

My problem is that my best friend, C, took it upon herself to start calling my husband a few times a month and sometimes more to check on him and see if he was okay, so she says, never mentioning to me that she was doing this.

I asked him why he didn't tell me that she was calling before and he said he knew that there was so much going on in our lives with our teenager that he knew I wouldn't understand and it would make things worse and I would jump to the wrong conclusion about talking her. He said he never had any feelings for her other than she was my friend and thought of her like maybe a sister.

He said he finally realized that she was wrong in calling him (she called all the time) behind my back and thanked her for helping him but told her to stop calling.

I feel so betrayed... I am trying to deal with the fact that he didn't tell me to start with (he said he didn't think anything wrong about it to start with or he would have) but more than anything I feel so betrayed by my best friend.

I loved her like a sister and I don't think I would've have ever called her husband without her knowing it no matter what the circumstances would have been. I feel like she was never a friend at all to have kept such secrets about my family to me. Its been really hard to deal with for the last 3 months.

Can it be true that a husband can be faithful to his wife and love her in a situation like this? Was my friend wrong in not telling me about her calling my husband? Was my husband wrong in not telling me about it even though he knew I probably wouldn't understand at the time?

He hasn't hid anything from me - call logs, etc, - he actually showed them all to me. She doesn't feel like she has done anything wrong... then why am I so hurt?

I don't know if I can ever have a female friend anymore that I can trust. Does it sound like I can trust my husband? For some reason I always have. He has apologized for being so naive about her many, many times and even feels embarrassed that he talked to her about anything at all. He actually called her husband and apologized to him because he felt like he had betrayed him for ever talking to her when she called. I respected him for that.

She hasn't even apologized to me or my children for the hurt she helped to create.

Some background history - I grew up with a Dad who always cheated on my mom and still does - we always knew about it and it was a hard pill to swallow - could this be why I am so doubtful about men and truth?

Please help me!

Response:

First, it's not wrong for friends to help each other in times of need. That's what friends are for. In fact, people who have a lot of social connections get through life with a lot less difficulty (e.g., anxiety, stress, loneliness, etc.).

But with that said, keeping their contact hidden from you wasn't the smartest move. Because discovering what happened creates a lot of uncertainty. And uncertainty leads people to question everything that happened, and interpret people's motives in the worst possible light (see, consequences of discovering deception).

And discovering that your husband had developed a special relationship with your friend can also bring forth intense feelings of betrayal. People have expectations about the type of contact a spouse can have with other people. When those expectations are violated, the response is similar in nature to discovering sexual infidelity (see, what counts as cheating).

The feelings you are now experiencing are only made worst because you were betrayed, not only by your husband, but by your friend as well.

But while you have every right to feel betrayed, it is also important to understand that not everyone may share your expectations about how people should behave. So, it is quite possible that your friend saw nothing wrong with contacting your husband when he was in need of someone to talk to. But, the question remains, why did they hide their contact from you?

Typically, people hide things from a spouse when the behavior in question is either inappropriate or their spouse feels that it is inappropriate (see, when lovers lie).

Sometimes people know they are doing something wrong and they hide it. But, it is also possible to hide things, not because people feel they are doing anything wrong, but because their spouse would disapprove. For instance, a friend of ours is married to an environmentalist - an environmentalist who does not think that it is acceptable to read a traditional newspaper when the news can be read online. Our friend, however, likes to read the actual newspaper - so he hides this from his wife. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, but doesn't want to get into a fight over this issue.

Now, the problem facing you is trying to determine if your husband and your friend hid their relationship because it was inappropriate. Or did they hide it from you simply because they feared your reaction. If you are prone to being judgmental, disapproving, or set in your ways - people may be hiding a lot of things from you - not because they feel they are doing anything wrong, but because they don't want to deal with your reaction to the truth (see, getting others to be honest).

At this point, our best advice is to share your feelings about what happened with both your husband and your friend. When doing so, it helps if you can focus on how the situation made you feel (i.e., betrayed, left out, hurt), and not their behavior. Rather than trying to force an apology from people, try to get them to understand how it made you feel. Typically, this is the best way to resolve problems in a close relationship (see, talk about problems).

Finally, your reaction to this situation, is most likely influenced by your past history. It is impossible to read a situation exactly as it is. Our thoughts and feelings are constantly influenced by prior events, relationships and experiences (see, attachment styles). The difficult part is learning that one's initial reaction may not always be the best reaction to have.

Hope this helps.

Comments (14)

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written by Nicole1986 , 19 December, 2006

Your friend is definitely wrong to have done this, but don't get mad at your husband for it. He was probably just looking for a comforting shoulder and didn't even think of it as betraying you or being secretive, because he didn't want to worry you. It's her who was doing things behind your back instead of just telling you straight-out that she was "worried" about him and that you should try to talk to him. Men don't usually read into things as much as we do so I doubt he even saw the potential in this being hurtful.

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written by Jan1209 , 20 December, 2006

Thank you for the comment. I really needed that this morning from an outside source looking in - Jan

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written by Dbarbe1235 , 12 January, 2007

I agree with Nicole. Your friend was definitely in the wrong. A similar situation happened to me. She crossed the boundaries of friendship. She would certainly see it that way if you were calling her husband. She knows it was wrong of she would have told you about it. My suspicion is that she probably envies you. I would confront her with the way this has made you feel. She betrayed you and should admit to that, if she doesn't validate your feelings, she not enough of a friend to keep.

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written by M.R. , 16 May, 2007

This happened to me for over 7 months. My husband didn't like my friend up until last summer. Just so happens she got gastric bypass surgery and lost alot of weight. He hurt himself at work and was home for a few months and she decided to talk to him every and it got worse where they were contacting eachother 4-5 times a day. All of this behind my back. I discovered this was happening only 2 months ago. Instead of them letting it rest and leaving eachother alone, I put my differances aside and went on vacation with her and her family and my husband and her could not stop with the game playing with eachother and ruined our vacation. It's so bad, my husband wouldn't even show me any affection in front of her. Honey, I know exactly what your going through. Once you stop giving your husband any attention, he will look for it somewhere else....all men are the same. Knowing I am still hurt about all this, he still wants to keep in contact with her as HIS friend, not mine. Isn't it nice to have friends like this.

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written by Jan1209 , 09 June, 2007

M.R., Thank you for the comment you left in May. Boy are you right "nice to have friends like this." This has changed my life forever. I think thats what people don't really understand until they are in this position. There are no "sorry's, or I forgive you, and lets just let this go" kinda stuff, its a lifelong hurt that will always be in my heart and mind of every minute of everyday. They need to understand that even if we do speak or never speak to them again (either of them that is) it has changed my soul forever. I don't know how people can sleep at night knowing what unrepairable damage has been done to someones life. I will never look at another person on this earth with confidence or trust anymore. Its just too risky to take that chance again and at this point I am not willing to. Even though life goes on the hurt is always there lurking in the back of the heart and mind. That I know will never change and thats really sad.

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written by Eliz , 01 July, 2007

Its scary how many women 'friends' move in on their 'best friends' husbands. The exact same thing happened me as M.R. My friend's marriage was splitting up and she started crying on my husband's shoulder (but neither of them told me this was going on). Then, they starting texting and emailing each other every day as he wanted to "help her get through things". This went on for over two years while she came regularly to my home, often when she knew I would not be there. I don't really know what happened between them at such times. He has admitted kissing her but denies any more sexual contact. Eventually, a mutual friend saw them HOLDING HANDS in a coffee bar and told me. I was as hurt by her actions as by his but she just told me I was making too big a thing of it and that she does not consider what she did a betrayal of our friendship. Yet, after it was discovered, she continued to text and email him but stopped contacting me. Like Jan, this has changed my way of viewing the world forever.

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written by Jan1209 , 04 August, 2007

The only good thing that has come out of this since October 2006 and after comments from other real women, is that I am beginning to think that maybe.... just maybe there are still some good women on this earth. That doesn't mean I will EVER trust anyone again and this definitely has changed my life and my way of viewing the world, but surely to goodness all women aren't like these that we have encountered. I guess what I'm saying is "look at us, we would NEVER do the things like the women have done to us" and we should be proud of ourselves! They obviously have some BIG ISSUES with themselves to lower their standards to such a level. How sad for them. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around but a whole lot harder. Glad its them and not us

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written by Cain , 29 October, 2007

Or maybe your friend was trying to help you by ensuring that your husband wasn't so lonely while you were in your anti-social mood?

There's a thought.

Did they talk about anything more exciting than the weather? Did they even really conspire to keep it away from you or did that just happen and you interpreted it as such. Storm in a teacup is what this is.

The worst possible scenario here could be that your friend was just looking for a bit of gossip by pumping your hubbie for info. e.g. "Has she gone crazy yet?", "Is she paranoid?", "Is her skin really that flawless or does she use some sort of mask?"

Then again, you might be the paranoid type that believes that any communication between your hubbie and anyone else you know, must be vetted and chaperoned by you. Personally, if they weren't cheating and/or having an emotional affair, then they can talk as much as they want. Who knows, he might be able to get that secret recipe you never could get out of her.

You made your hubbie feel like a heel for something that wasn't really his fault and never really happened. That's sad. And in time he might come to resent the fact that you made him feel like a criminal... and dislike you for it.

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written by M.B. , 05 November, 2007

Would you like to hear the other side? I had an emotional affair with my husband's best friend that led to one sexual encounter. I was friends with his wife as well. Not best friends, but close. I have had a rocky marriage since day one, where incidentally the best man was the one I had the relationship with. I never, ever intended for things to go this way. I tried to keep things platonic, but as time went on, I developed intense feelings for this man. He was kind, gentle and understanding. He was the opposite of my verbally abusive husband and I fell in love. I should have ended the friendship. I actually would at times limit our time together and go months without seeing the couple. Then over the summer things just escalated out of control. It felt good to be heard and to have a pleasant place of peace when I was in turmoil at home. The affair was very quickly discovered and the relationship terminated. I am beyond sad and remorseful. I can't believe I would hurt my friend that way. She now hates me of course. I don't blame her. But it is sad that you don't trust anyone anymore. One bad experience is not the gauge for how safe friendships can be. Life happens. People make mistakes. Big ones. Be careful how you judge or it just may come back to you. Forgive her and him for your own sake. See if you can grow from this experience. Life is hard, but the hard parts make us stronger.

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written by Janet , 17 November, 2007

Thanks for the two comments below my last one! I guess everybody has their own opinions - sounds like you two guys are just like all the other people who give no regard to anyone's feelings but your own - how sad for you! P.S. and yes your right - better be careful about who you hurt because TRUST ME if you were the one who did the hurt to someone that affects them for the rest of their life it WILL come back to you - four-fold! Thats one thing you can count on! Good luck.

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written by Jan1209 , 04 December, 2007

P.S. Cain - If my hubbie starts to resent me I really could care less!! That is the very least of my concerns...and he is quite aware of that too.

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written by Hwgamelissa , 22 September, 2009

I really don't see the major problem here. You said at the beginning that you and your husband were close friends with she and her husband. My husband and I have another couple we are very close to. We vacation together, spend holidays together, etc. My husband and the girl were like brother and sister long before her husband and I ever entered the picture. She and I have gotten to be very close over the years as well. Our husbands are not that close, but get along pretty good. For years I wasn't really close to her husband either, but over the years he and I have really gotten to know each other and developed quite a bond. I will often call him at work and text him frequently. Sometimes she knows about the conversations, sometimes she doesn't. Just like my husband, sometimes I'll tell him I spoke with the guy/ texted him today sometimes I won't. NOT because either of us are hiding anything, but they know we talk, they know we text and I don't feel that every conversation needs to be monitored. Sometimes something will come up in conversation days/ weeks/ months later when I'm talking to my husband or his wife and I'll bring up the conversation or text we had. Neither of them may not have known about it when it happened, but it obviously isn't a big deal. If you were going through a troubled spot and she was truly your friend, quite honestly I believe she did the 100% right thing. She was helping you by being there for him when you couldn't be; nothing sexual or emotional affair related, just being an objective ear when one was needed. Had you have rather he befriended someone you didn't know at such a low point? Or had you rather him had all his feelings build up inside with no outlet and cause him to lose control later? It sounds to me like their are some major trust issues that you haven't dealt with. The fact that you turned against your husband and your friend over what appears to be nothing doesn't seem right to me.

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written by lm09 , 06 December, 2009

Sounds to me like the last long winded comment was more about herself than for the person that was asking for advice - they're trying to justify their own relationship with a person that is not their spouse. Plus the person asking for advice knows her friend and husband were seen sitting together holding hands - that is not innocent. It's obvious the friend and husband kept their connection a secret for a reason - they felt what they were doing was somehow wrong. People do not keep secrets for no reason.

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written by cia , 04 February, 2010

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this emotional torment,my friend's husband remarried and has a son with his new wife while my friend spent 7 years in terrible relationships. She is a single mother to her and her exhusband's daughter who never came first next to his new son. I got back in touch with her online after years, Just a catch up really as I saw her on facebook and got curious. What a massive mistake!But I loved having my old friend back and hubby was pleased to see me happy after a tough year. He said he saw her as a little sister and we had her and daughter over for christmas. All she did was go on about the past and cry about what a tough time she's had. Hubby felt terrible that we hadn't been there for them when they needed us. I felt that way at first but soon felt differently. I got bored of her poor me stories. She started talking to Hubby more than me. Texting him about feeling low. She would always sound bored talking to me on the phone and only ever want to talk about herself. Anyway basically they started an affair. She would txt him asking how he's doing, joking with him, basically it ended up with her convincing him of what he feared most, that I didn't really love him, that we were both lovely people but just not right for each other. He started referring to her as HIS best friend. Not long after the affair started. It went on for three weeks before we separated. She was the first person I called when he moved out. She was full of practical guidance but very unemotional. She would phone to see how I was doing,come round and offer to babysit my daughter for weekends should I need some time out! He eventually saw her for the psycho she is and dropped her like a stone confessing everything to me tearfully. She was completely unremorseful and denied everything when I phoned her. She didn't know hubby and I had communicated. She basically told him a whole pack of vicious lies. She phoned me at 3am telling me what a terrible friend I was. She was very abusive. I was actually quite scared. She was like a complete stranger and very unhinged. We are now trying to rebuild our marriage but how this will work I truly don't know. My hubby is desperate to make me happy and is begging for us to try for another baby and wants to renew our vows. He cannot understand how he did what he did to me and he gets very emotional when he talks about it. He answers every question I ask with all the brutal details that I request. He holds nothing back from me, which is what I need. I don't know how you are doing now but I pray that you have come through this and are happy be it together or apart. I am a year down the line things have healed in a way far more than I ever thought possible but there is still a long way to go. I have really learnt that you must always listen to your instincts. Never ignore them. I wish I had acted on mine so much sooner, but they did a good job of making me believe I was this jealous, neurotic and paranoid person. I like you would never have phoned her husband should he have still been around, the way she had phoned/texted mine. I would have thought it highly inappropriate. The whole time I was telling her what a wonderful father and husband he is and how much I am in love with him she told him I felt the exact opposite. It's difficult to comprehend how evil people can be. I now have great difficulty trusting myself when judging people as potential friends now. I made such a bad choice in her and sometimes wish I had never married my husband. I struggle so much with my own judgment of character now but I know now what female instinct feels like and boy is it strong! Always listen to it, if you feel uncomfortable with someone or a relationship then you are more than likely right to. Especially if like me you are naturally a very trusting and non jealous person. I still prefer to see the best in people and battle not to let that evil person change me for the worst, else it makes me no better a person than her and that is something I could never allow! Never allow other people to make you bitter or isolate you. That way they win and even if they don't get your man you make them important enough to trash you as a person forever, why should they get that satisfaction. These people tend to blame everyone but themselves for their misery and use it as an excuse to be the people they are. We are so much better than that, which is exactly why our men chose us over them. People rarely stay for the children as everyone knows that never works. The other women may try and convince themselves of that in a desperate bid to save face. These other women, in my experience, are generally very envious and threatened by the person they are deceiving.Good luck and I wish you much happiness.

Cia.

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