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My husband just continues to cheat

I found out my current husband was cheating on me during dating. We dated 2 1/2 years and then married. Four months after marriage, I found he cheated with different women (via the internet) all the while he didn't tell me.

He swears he hasn't cheated since marrying.

I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow because it's been 3 yrs and 4 counselors later since I found out about his cheating and I can't get past it.

Do you think I am making a wise decision to call it quits? Do you find that more people can get past the cheating if it is a one-time instance? Or it is more likely to work if the cheater comes clean himself as opposed to "being caught"?

Thanks

Response:

It can be very difficult for couples to work past a partner’s infidelity.

If you’ve tried counseling and can’t move beyond what happened, than perhaps other solutions should be considered.

But, before you contact an attorney, it might help to keep this in mind: How is your relationship other than what happened? Are there other problems or is this the main one? Are you relatively happy, despite what happened (see, is my relationship worth saving)?

Keep in mind that everyone is driven by their self-interest. Divorce attorneys making a living by helping couples come apart. So, talking to a divorce attorney will most likely make it more difficult for you to reconcile, which it sounds like part of you wants to do.

Also, sometimes individual counseling can be helpful, when couples counseling has not worked. It is not uncommon for people to focus on trying to change or punish a partner during couples counseling rather than dealing with one’s own feelings. So, if you haven’t tried individual counseling, it be worth a try. 

Finally, on- time cheating is easier to forgive, and fix, than chronic cheating (see, once a cheater). And the method of discovery is also important when it comes to forgiveness. It can be especially difficult to forgive a spouse for infidelity when he or she was not the one to disclose what happened (see, will a partner find out).

We wish you the best of luck.

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cheating husband |  worth saving | 

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written by Guest , 12 June, 2006
When you ask if we were relatively happy otherwise - I was, but I guess he wasn't. Why else would he be cheating? I was totally blind to what was going on. He "seemed" to be in love with me but in reality I guess he wasn't. He says he's sorry. But is he sorry for what he did or sorry he got caught? I could probably deal with a one time cheating "mistake" where he went out and then knew it was wrong and was regretful. But to go out again and again, where's his conscience? At least if he didn't love me, he could have respected me and let me go. But I feel he's a coward and only cares about himself.
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written by brittnie , 04 February, 2007
I have read this article and I'm going through the same situation its only been a month or so but I can't get over it. He didn't do it till way before but we were married at the times he did it. Reading this has helped me a little bit. But, I'm depressed and I don't know what to do.
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written by shawanna , 17 August, 2009
Ive been married for three years and my husband has been cheating on me for almost 8 months now off and on with the same young women she just wont stop and neither will he I want to move on but i am not strong enough to move on. He tells me the same lie that he ended his relationship with her but he calls her and she calls him while he is at work and they meet up every Friday and he tells me that he is doing something to make him happy but he isn't considering me and his family I have one son and he has two but we have none together and Im just confused and dont know what to do and every time i get the strength to leave he comes back into my life and make me love him even more he uses his charm and the fact that we are a family to make things better then two weeks hes back to cheatn again with the same female she calls my phone saying he is her man and things like that and how he is going to move with her and all those things and i dont believe her but i dont put it pass him because he already hurt me before. I am so hurt and its like i am the only one who is hurting in this marriage and hes gettn the satisfaction of having two women in his life one who is his wife and another who is a wanna be wife i just think i am so stupid for still being here with him what should i do
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written by nancym , 25 November, 2009
Shawanna, you are not stupid, he just gives you enough hope to hang in there, but has no intention of giving up the other woman. I read that often cheating spouses respond to intense pleasure or intense pain. If you are making things at home comfortable for him (laundry, cooking, chores, sex) why would he give you up? I am in the same situation and have decided to end my marriage. He is begging me to stay, but hasn't cut off contact with the other woman. I have been through this scene on three previous occasions and am finally done. I hope I am strong enough to stand my ground and hope that you are too. Good Luck
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written by lisey , 27 December, 2009
my husband verbally cheats on me (for the last 5 years)and gets caught all the time. i recently asked him for a divorce but changed my mind a few days later as i want to go to counseling to work things out.. he says he will go by him self as he has depression , but he dosent seem to understand that hurt and pain i have gone through for the last 5 years. he says to me he will try to work it out but he treats me like im not there. im so confused,, he is a nice man (bar the cheating) ad a good father.... just dont know how to get through to him
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written by thalia , 14 June, 2010
i have been through 13 years of infidelity from my husband.. started with phone sex then text sex then he saw somebody behind my back for a couple of months now he has gone and fucked a prostitute... all of which he has been caught out for.. i am totally at my wits end.he has absolutely no need for this as he is not denied anything at home and gets all his sexual needs met.. He has broken my heart time after time and yet i stay therefore feeling like a idiot.. each time he tells me that he will never do it again and he will never hurt me again and he doesnt want to loose me yada yada yada all words ive heard a thousand times over. but after his last betrayal i cannot find it within myself to forgive. we have a 20 month old daughter and i believe she deserves to have a father in her life.. very very hard. we are separated at the moment but am really unsure about the future.
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written by againstallodd , 14 June, 2010
Cheating is consider as talent, if you you can cheat means you are talented... hmmmm smilies/cheesy.gif

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written by kudai , 05 May, 2011
i have been married for 7years, My husband has been going out with two different women for the past 7years s, since i was married to him, Last year he has a child with this other women. What pains me most now he has 6 other women he is going out with. What shall i do, i have no way to go.i am giving up on life what will happen to me and m kids.Please help me if anyone can help.
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written by Guyanese Wife , 19 January, 2012
Wow, well I've been with my husband for 6 years and it seems like he continue to cheat and won't take ownership of his actions. I love him and don't want to raise our children without him being in our home, but sometimes I sit back and wonder how happy I could be without the feeling of my husband being with other women. It is truly heart breaking knowing that my husband cheats, but he will not admit to it. Whats the use of holding on if we can't be friends.
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